Need to talk about this to someone

...and considering T isn't around, you guys are the lucky winners.

From the time I was young, I have had a part of me that I have been at odds with since it's conception. This part, seems to have a fascination with tormenting me and causing me pain. This is on top of being a satanist.

Now, I'm not exactly a religious person, but I'm also not the type of person to risk these things either. It's distressful (which is the point I suppose). One night I was thinking to myself that these thoughts (that deal with satanism at least)...may not be a part at all, but rather a very well ingrained intrusive thought. Such freedom I felt, like a river flowing through my body. It was comforting to think that way. And who knows...? Either way it could very well be true.

The relationship is mostly built on hate and distrust. I know it's not a good thing, but I'm not exactly going to love someone who is constantly wanting to cause pain. (she has in fact stated that is her very purpose) Nor do I want to ignore her, intrusive thought or not...those are some pretty dangerous thoughts being spewed spiritually speaking. After so many years...I am just so sick of it, all the fighting in what seems to be a battle for both my soul and my sanity. I have been driven to the point of near madness before with this one. On a level, I think it'd be best if we were integrated so to speak...but at the same time I think if god and heaven and hell really exist out there then my fate wouldn't be a pleasant one.

She's not pure evil though...at least I don't think so. Expressing that the reason why she does well, what she does, is because she hates herself and wishes to suffer, and is pretty desperate to be loved by me. How can I possibly bring myself to love a part of me who desires to hurt herself and everyone else here?! My compassion has it's limits, I'm only human here.

Just...gah

(((((((((((( Kaika ))))))))))))

This paragraph, that you have written here. This is the key. She is not evil but hates herself and wishes to suffer but desperate to be loved. This would be good to share with the T and hopefully T and can work with this part.

I have a sense of what you are talking about.
It is against our human nature to want to love and be available to someone who wishes us/herself harm. My reaction would be less than pleasant--as in wanting to yell "don't you know what you are doing to me and yourself???????!!!!!!!!!!!!"

learning to listen to that voice---part or not----is a process. Listening is always first. Real listening. Not just hearing with one ear and already knowing what you want to say or yell back.
Let this voice write what she is thinking or tape record the thoughts and the process. Be there wholly for this voice. Accept what she says as HERS and come part way. NO judging, no retaliation......

It's not easy, I know--been in similar places. Feeling accepted, not judged, not hated---first steps to sharing.....

My thoughts

Kaika ,, in as much as I can read you from your writtings and posts ,,,[?] ,,,
Could this be your total opposite ? and if so ,,, Your choice is going to be yours ,,, I figure you will choose good ,, that may for a bit cause conflict ,,, but in time , it will become the norm . The Good in You .

WMD.

((((Kaika))))

First I want to send you a hug and let you know you are supported and loved. I can say I really understand where you are coming from and what you are saying. I too have parts that I feel are destructive and I was unsure where or why they were created. One that I am thinking of is very young. It seemed she was created for destruction by them. It felt as though she could be brought on by a simple call or something.

But I have tried to accept her as part of me that is really scared and damaged. It is hard to reach to her for I am unsure of what she is and what she may do. But knowing this, I also see her fear and her pain. I have not been able to reach out to her as of yet, but I am trying. Knowing that she is so afraid and needs to know she is accepted is part of it.

It takes time and willingness on both parts to accept one another. To realize she had a job and sometimes I think they are unsure that their job is over. Mine live in such a concrete place and they do not understand that time has changed. They still live in the moment at which they were--and everything to them still feels as in the "yesterday" place.

It is hard to explain--but I feel bad calling them evil knowing they went through so much. But with that said--I do understand how you feel. Take your time with her. Let her know that you are there to listen and to hear her. It takes alot of time and patience. Sometimes that is not easy--but just remember she is a part of you that is with you and is you.

It is hard to fully understand that as it is sometimes more than we can comprehend. Whether she is intrusive as a thought or a part--there is a reason for her. I also have a part that wants to hurt and feels death is sometimes the only way out. She also hurts and is so afraid. I know I need to reach out to her and hold her and let her know that I love her but I am also afraid to do that. It scares me a lot.

But each day I try to accept her a little more. She has at least now began to reach out which is something she has not done before. As scared as we both are--she had a role within and she did her job. Sometimes, she still feels she has to step in and do her job. It is sad but I am thankful for her and the job she did.

I agree with what was said about first step is to listen. She may just want to be heard--to be accepted for her. Just be kind to yourself and patient. What you are dealing with is not easy but possible. Letting your t know what is going on so she can help you is important. Keep reaching out. Know we are here and are listening to you.

Take care of you. We care.

dps

hey there

I've gone through some kind of similar thing recently. With me it was more of a part. But I guess I've gone through different levels of dissociation. I used to have a voice that would try to get me to do harm to myself... later it was even able to take over body at times. And it was violent. HORRIBLE experience, and it was very scary. It wasn't what I'd call a "complete" part - it was more emotions or a certain view on things that I couldn't and wouldn't accept. Hating everything I saw coming from it I fought and fought and fought. At different points I think it was the right thing to do because it was completely unreasonable. But eventually as it came into more perspective and I began to understand WHY it existed, I came to accept that yes that was part of me, yes it was ugly but it didn't have to be. If I could learn to accept the feelings it held, the reasons it was there, and the desires stemming from these things... with the acceptance it was a part of me it BECAME part of me again. I guess it was a dislodged piece of me that just kind of slipped back into place. Now it's still there but as a part of me, and only rarely separates. I dislike so much of what that part of me does but I understand it now better, and it's much more manageable.

In my case, part of its reason for existence was protection. In its own way it was protecting me. In addition it held emotions and thoughts that I couldn't handle.


I know your case is different. But I guess I just wanted you to know that it can happen that a part or voice inside can indeed seem really evil. Act really evil. But be important and need to be understood. Maybe it's not so much of love, as of acceptance and understanding, which takes time.

Sending hugs, hope my ramble wasn't just completely confusing