[krazy_phoenix]

I have been dx w PTSD, BPD, DDNOS, Bipolar II...blah,blah,blah...

I guess for me, the most daunting and haunting part is that I don't remember what the trauma was... I mean, I have had things happen to me that I have survived, sure, but I remember them - like extreme domestic violence and relationship rape for 4 yrs, but that was in my early 20's, long after my symptoms began; like witnessing 2 separate fatal road accidents, one involving my friend; like finding another good friend who cut her wrists then spending hours cleaning her blood off the bathroom walls/ceiling/windows/ shower/floor etc; like selling myself for drugs and the hell that comes with that life - and I could go on but I'm sure you get the picture so I digress... my point is, I started taking drugs at 10 and was drinking solidly by 13, and I don't remember most of my childhood. Apparently my issues that I'm currently having (now mid-30's) are reflective of a childhood trauma that I don't remember. I think I've got enough to work out without digging for stuff that may or may not exist.
Yeah, I've read the info, and yeah, I have to agree, I fit the profiles, but what does it all mean?? I don't remember...I don't remember...I just don't remember so so much, even my kids growing up. Why do I remember yuky stuff, but not the good stuff?
I'm rambling. Sorry. Had intense session w 2 x T's today...feeling a bit shell-shocked. Thanx for listening....

[multipixie9]

Dear Phoenix,

You do not have to go digging for past trauma, as you are more ready the memories will start to trickle back into place - some of them anyway. The drug and alcohol use may have interfered with your memory also.

You have plenty to process and deal with first and then the rest will come along afterward. Eventually, as healing comes you will recover some good memories and good feelings.

It took me a long time to even begin to get past the trauma, but I stuck it out and it is always worth it - getting well I mean is worth it.

Also, you DO NOT have to DIG UP all the old bad stuff to get over it. Sometimes we healed without getting all "nitty gritty" on it. We mistakenly thought we all had to remember all the bad stuff and that was not true for us. Thankfully!!!

Hang in there and be gentle with yourself and take some time and take good care of yourself - (or learn how if you need to learn first)

Leslie and Pixies

[JudeeB]

Leslie is absolutely right, we don't need to dig for the trauma of the past. When the time is right it will start to surface. It could be in dreams, or just flashes of feelings or perhaps even body memories.

I had no clue at all until I was 44 years old. And then I had over nine years of retrieving the memories and processing them and being healed of the trauma. I had no sense of being dissociative until a few years before that. Different ones would serve as host for years at a time. I never understood why I couldn't remember certain things etc. Anyway, when the times comes it will surface and the painful work begins. I'm not convinced I am the same host that went through those nine years but it's OK. I am functioning and learning who I am right now and doing life and relationships better all the time.

Sometime during the years before it started coming out I was praying to be shown my truth. I was tired of the depression and feeling like a phony and always hiding. I believe that prayer was answered. I now know my truth.

One day you will too.

[krazy_phoenix]

Thanx Judee and Leslie, I so appreciate your feedback...and yeah, I agree to re alcohol/drugs. I know that some of my psychosis is due to acid, but its fairly benign and easy to live with, just get used to it really. Was chatting to Porceline Doll the other night and a huge penny dropped for me, and I finally understand clearly that I have at least three others in here, including their names etc and since then, I've found a tiny bit of calm in my current storm. It funny because I think that that awareness should scare the hell out of me, but there is actually a bit of relief...anyway, I guess time will tell...
Just wanted to say thanx for listening and your support.
kp

[Hunny]

With PTSD, DDNOS etc we searched and found our earliest trauma, after many, many years.

[DLHsSystm]

There are so many 's in this thread. I needed to hear them.
Thanks

[krazy_phoenix]

Remembering.

Sigh.

Was warned.

Didn't think it would be like this.

Don't really know what I thought it would be like.

Hell.