Scared to go to T's

I'm really scared right now. I have to leave in less than two hours to go to my T. I'm mostly afraid of the drive. I've never driven this far by myself before. Usually my dad takes me. (my step-dad not bio dad bio dad lives in California and never calls let alone do anything for me).

I wrote out the directions and looked at the map I have a photographic memory of shapes like maps though I don't remember the words on it but with the directions written out I can use that to add the names to the streets in my head. I'm scared that I'll get lost and I don't have a cell phone right now because of family being in a financial crisis. I'm scared that I'll be late but I'll be in the city at about noon if I leave at 10:30 and my appointment's at one. . .I'm thinking of leaving at 10 so I'll be there at 11:30 so I'll be able to eat mcdonalds with my dad (since he's going to be in the city already which is why he can't take me since he took my mom to the airport this morning) and not feel too rushed. I'm scared that I'll get a speeding ticket or a too slow traffic ticket thing. I'm scared that I'll dissociate while I'm driving and hit a deer. Or once i get into the city get all confused by the one way streets and millions of cars. . .okay so hundreds of cars.

I don't know what to do to make this any less stressful. I'm at least not feeling switchy . . .well a little. . . I have 10 memo pad pages (you know a cheap flip book pad of paper 3"x5") of just different things that happened this week which worried me and behavioral stuff since my T is exploring the idea of DDNOS since I feel better with a name for what's going on with me. Sometimes it seems like DID fits me to a T. I even printed out a page that explained DID in a way that I was like "OMG that's me!" and now that I look at it again I'm thinking "no, that's not me, well maybe, I dunno not really I guess". Then I found something that explained DDNOS from a person who has the dx's view point and now I have that "OMG that's totally me!" feeling again. So I highlighted the things that are me in case my view changes again and wrote out some specific experiences. I'm scared that 45 minutes isn't enough time to figure me out.

I'm glad I wrote stuff down because now I don't remember any of it happening. Or it feels like it happened ages ago. Logic says "this happened just this week" but the memory is so distant. I don't understand why that would be. I rarely read books twice because I remember them in detail after reading them the first time so it's boring to read again. Why is this not the same for my own experiences?

I'm just so scared that this is all just for attention like my aunt insists. That I have to try to do something different or be someone special. I'm scared that I don't have a DD and it's just my overactive imagination I've always had. I wish that my T wasn't so insistent that DID is sooooo rare that none of her clients could possibly have. She won't even consider the idea. But now that I'm getting comfortable with it possibly could be DDNOS I'm not so worried that she's not accepting as much as maybe I really don't fit the DID criteria and have DDNOS. Or maybe it's all in my head and just want a name for something that's not even there.

Thank you anyone who takes time to read my wall o'text which feels like it's mostly babbling. I think I'll be okay driving I just worry that there could be something else for me to do to ensure a safe trip without my step-dad giving me weird looks. I still want to buckle up my stuffed bunny I sleep with so I'm not alone but I know when he sees me at McDonalds he's going to give a look and say "oooookay". And I'll reply "What? Doesn't everyone take a stuffed rabbit with them to the city?" And he'll just shake his head and laugh at me. Any advice anybody. It's 8:40 now and I'll be leaving at . .. 10 I think. . . It takes about an hour and fifteen minutes to get to mcdonalds and about twenty minutes to get to my T's from McDonalds. . .that'll give me plenty of time since my appointment's at one and I can be there early and just draw or color while I wait. Depending on how I'm feeling. I just hope that hidden scared little person that was trying to come out Saturday doesn't decide to drive it's a toddler whatever it is. THAT would be scary lolz.

I leave in twenty minutes. I'm so nervous I feel like I'm going to throw up

((((((((( Fox )))))))))))

You have prepared for the journey so well, you are going to be just fine!

I hope your therapy goes well, try not to get hung up on the diagnosis your T's job is to help you with all the trauma you have been through and help you live the best life you can.

Fox, safe

Fox, we hope this response gets to you in time...but if not, then you will know we were thinking of you...

Hunny
The Hive

Thanks pegasus and hunny. I don't know why I put so much weight on a dx. I'm just tired of doctors saying "you're depressed, you're anxious, etc." They'd be depressed if their family was torn apart too! And I've never felt depressed a day in my life until they told me I was lol! I take comfort in having a name for everything. I'm still scared of the drive and don't feel prepared enough. All I can do is dive in and do it. I don't like that. Okay I'm leaving now. Wish me luck! I'll let you know how it goes <3

Dearest Fox

Have I missed you? I hope not, I will be thinking of you and await your return to hear how you got along, which I am sure will be brilliant knowing how aritculate you are. Safe journey and deep breaths

PAddy

understanding how you feel

I made it home safely! And I did "zone out" but at least it was on the way home where I can figure out how to get back easily enough. I was listening to some song that was about Summer breezes. I think it's a sixties or seventies song. Anyways when the song was over I realized that I didn't recognize anything and figured "okay well I'll just keep going till I do recognize something" then I saw the county line sign and realized okay I totally missed my exit. I live in a rural area. This was the cost of missing my exit. . . 41 extra miles on the road xD. I just kept going until I recognized a sign figuring if I totally miss my town I know the interstate goes to the next one over where we go sometimes for vet appointments and CAP office. Fortunately I saw the national park sign and thought "Okay, well since I'm over here I might as well go through the park." it's one of my favorite national parks I've been to <333. Well when I got off I saw the signs and arrows one to a small town inside the park, one that pointed back to the town before mine, and another to a tiny town population 12 that is between my town and the other town. I was like "yay! I know that town and it's on the highway that I need to be on ^__^" so that was the longest 9 miles of gravel road I've been on since I wasn't sure when it would reach the paved highway. I do have a map in the car but I figured the worse that could happen would be that I'd REALLY get lost and totally miss the highway xD. Which of course didn't happen. It was a fun trip home. I didn't realize how much I really LOVE to drive. I'm always the passenger except for when I drive myself back and forth to work and usually just sleep the whole time. This was a great experience. It made me glad actually that I missed my off ramp. I always wondered as I merged from the interstate to the highway what would happen if I missed it. Now I know! Oh and the first sign that I recognized I wasn't sure where it went well I knew eventually it led back to the town that my bank is at but I wasn't sure if it'd take me to the highway or not. Found out that it does when I got home. I was thinking it did as I passed it. Too bad I couldn't formulate my map in my head fast enough.

Driving IN the city wasn't too bad though I think I cut a couple people off but I kept being in the wrong lane. Not going to my counselor's but when I went to Target, I was going to go to Wal Mart but passed it before I could switch lanes. It worked out really well. Target had virtually no people it was great ^__^.

Okay so enough about my driving. I printed out a page about DDNOS and the symptoms that many DDNOS people (sorries not meaning to offend but I dunno what to call them/us I know we're people and not just a disorder but for the sake of separation I often call people by their dx's like MD kids, CP kids, autistic people, etc.) have. I highlighted the descriptions that I feel fit me and what I'm going through and when appropriate or reminded me of specific examples wrote a brief comment. She's going to go through it when she has time since I also gave her the notes of events that happened to me this week. I told her I don't think I'll do that again because it kind of stressed me out but I wanted to see if there was a connection in anything that I found substantial. We both are really in tuned with our dreams she thinks that dreams relate to our personal lives in an abstract way. The weird thing is that if I didn't write them down I would have never remembered half of the things that really bothered me. She said it sounds like I'm almost in a trance state where there's a fine line between dreaming and reality. We also talked about possibly trying an anti-anxiety medicine but I have to make an appointment with the psychiatrist she works under to discuss my options. She thinks that could really help with my energy levels since I'm never relaxed. Even when I'm having fun I'm constantly on my guard. I didn't tell her this but I'm starting to think it goes back to my abandonment fear of mom leaving or sending me away if I'm not living up to her expectations. She also said there's meds to make my imaginary friends go away and that really upset me. I don't want them to go away. I like them there. I can't live without them. She thinks if I had more energy and would be more "out there" with people that I wouldn't need them anymore. But they help me with everyday life including outside friendships. I wish she would stop talking about integration or disappearing. Maybe in time she'll accept that they've been here a long time and aren't going anywhere and that I'm excited to find out that there's at least one other that's in me hiding and scared, I don't know what she's doing for me or the boy that's hiding even deeper but I can sort of make out but is always shrouded in darkness. But it's an adventure and I'm curious what develops now that I know they're there.

My T also thinks that if I saw my psychiatrist he'll adjust my dx since he knew about Rocky but didn't know about the others that are so much part of my life. But hey in 45 minutes you don't exactly tell someone everything about you all at once. It takes time. Which is why I'm glad that I see my T once a week even though I really can't afford it. I spend $40 on gas alone!

I did give my T the pictures and she looked through them but the session was too near to being done and she didn't have time to ask questions so she said she has questions about what I wrote about my online sister's DD specialist which sorries I don't remember what I said but something about how since he can't be dxing people he didn't see he had hinted around that what I'm going through sounds like DDNOS to him. I dunno what kinds of questions she has but I hope she's not upset that I talk to people about it and try to seek answers.

I don't get to see her next week since I think I'll be out of town and don't remember if we were leaving Thursday or Friday so I didn't want to schedule if I wasn't going to be here. So I'll see her in two weeks.

Oh yeah I found out my file says I'm basically avoidant...something dependant, have PTSD (didn't know that lol), and dysthymia. I think there was something else but I forget. Also I think it bugs my T that I never look at her. I do look at her though when she's reading something I glance at her. But when I came in today she told me that she loves my hair and to look up so she can see it better so I did look up but I guess she was trying to get me to look at her cause she said "fine don't look at me!" and we both laughed. I like it when she makes me laugh.

I met my step-dad at McDonalds and he had me follow him to my T's office which I'm glad he did or I would have been wondering around trying to find it. I knew what street it was off of but wasn't sure how to get to that street. I would've found it eventually but I was scared to be late. Was in the parking lot an hour before my appointment. It was fine though. I figured out how a straight line can still be straight but also curve at the same time but still be a straight line. See this is why I get bored in my job. I like figuring things out not doing the same thing every day for the rest of my boring life lolz!

Sorry things are chronological in reverse order.

Uncle Paddy! Great to see you ^^ ha ha you know me well ^__^ <33333

We're glad it went well for you, Fox, and that you are safe and sound!

"She thinks if I had more energy and would be more "out there" with people that I wouldn't need them anymore."

EVERYone we know irl thinks this about US! Annoying, is it not?

Back on topic, we are glad you are safe and hope you are well!
(Webber)Erik

Thank you Erik It was quite the adventure for sure ^__^ I can use more adventures in my life to boost my mood. I don't know what brought my friends to me but I'm glad they're here and if they ever leave me I dunno how I'll feel. I know Caleb left and I tell people online who ask about him (outside of PC my "alts" or whatever they are, are separate from me and call me their cousin to keep us separate so they can be them and I can be me without preconceived ideas of us) that he's in uni becoming a pediatrician. But I don't actually miss him except when Nakai misses him. Then I just feel bad for Nakai cause they were best friends. But if anything I feel like he's become part of me, the solemn depressed soul part that has been traumatized but for some reason refusing to curl up and die. I can be depressed and happy go lucky at the same time now when before I couldn't be both. Maybe that's part of why I'm depressed when I'm with happy people and almost hyper when I'm with depressed people? Nah. . . I'm over thinking this one lolz.