[Fox]

I wanted to thank everyone in the DD forum for the support I've received these past few weeks since joining. Everyone's been helping me learn so much about DDs and myself.

Three times now a little has been in the chats. I'm not aware so I hope they're behaving well and following the rules. I don't know if I have DDNOS or DID or maybe I'm just making this all up for who knows what reasons, which is a real thought I've been playing with the past few days. If it weren't for you guys I would have never known that I have alts, I would've kept believing that I just had a couple imaginary friends.

I do have an imaginary friend he's a ninja and has been with me since I was reaaaally little. I came up with him after watching The Three Ninjas with my cousin. He's rocky except he looks like a smily face ninja and has a very simple shape. . .kinda chibi-ish. So yeah he's most definitely imaginary lol!

You guys have given me the courage to talk to my T about what I've been going through and I'm realizing I'm not crazy for hearing people in my head or losing time or co-existing with a 15 year old boy in my head at work to get through it. So thank you.

Thank you everyone for your personal experiences you've shared, please don't stop as it helps me see that I'm not alone in what I'm going through even though I'm still pretty much in denial. I keep finding myself coming back to this forum time and time again because I understand and everything sounds so much like what I've been going through.

I don't understand how to communicate with my insiders. But I've started thinking to myself conscientiously as if I were talking to someone else hoping that'll start some line of communication. The first distinct voice I heard and was able to communicate was a toddler girl who was scared to go to sleep because of a movie we watched. The second was an angry man who I've never heard before. He cussed me out then ended the conversation with "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" That really upsetted me but more than being upset I was curious about who this was and why he would hate me if he's part of me, does that mean he hates myself? Does he want to hurt me?

So yeah this is a long post for an even longer journey to come. I hope to continue to learn as much as I can and gain a better understanding of what's been happening and why I didn't know about them for over 20 years now? And most importantly maybe I'll find myself. Thank you everyone.

I don't know if this will help you any...I hope it does but, when I was first dx'd with DID and I was in total denial to the point of openly hating any sign of alters, a person who was a friend, who also had DID gave me an example. She told me, yes it IS scary & confusing but imagine a lttle one who doesn't understand why no one speaks to her or speaks cruelly. That little one may be afraid and alone and crying. If any of us saw a child in that state, we'd do anything we could to help. My friend said to treat ourselves the same way we'd treat a scared stranger who is lost & alone.
That made so much sense to me and brought me to tears. I still have moments of denial & self hate, but it helps to remember what she told me.
I hope you continue to talk with us here and are able to find peace. and I hope this made sense...

[Fox]

Thank you Calista I'm hoping that if I do get an official label of DID or DDNOS that it'll help me get past the denial. Some days I think DID fits me perfectly. Some days it doesn't sound like me at all. Same with DDNOS. I just wish that my T could see me here where it seems that it's really obvious when I've switched to a younger personality. Then maybe she'll be able to help me heal whatever trauma they're holding. Everything seems so magnified these past couple weeks since my T agreed that I have a DD of some sort though it's a mystery yet to what it is. Maybe someday my littles will feel safe and let her meet them. Only time will tell.

[kris9999]

Fox, I think the reason you are starting to be able to communicate and "co exist" is because you are starting to notice your own signs. I remember when I met you, you were dead set on believing that they were all imaginary. I was the same way when I came in this forum. I refused to admit I had DID, even though I was diagnosed but it scared me, so any blackout and anything that fell along the lines of DID, I would make up an excuse. But once I met people in here with DID and realized it's not that scary, I started accepting the fact that I too have it. From there pieces of my life started getting put together. I don't remember my blackouts but at least I know why they happened now, and I know whatever is going on inside of this head is not nearly as scary as I originally thought it to be.

I'm happy you're starting to see that this all may not be imaginary after all! I'm not saying it is in fact DID, I think it very well could be, but I am pretty sure it's some form of DD. I wish you the best in discovering who you are, what is in you and accepting what you find!


Kris

[Fox]

Thanks Kris I feel though like everything's moving so fast. But not fast enough at the same time. I want to know everything about me all at once. I know that won't happen. I know that's probably why I've started hearing voices and having panic attacks when before I didn't have either. Only voice in this head used to be my own or what I perceived as my own, except when chewing gum for some reason lol. But at least that's my view in this state, whatever this state is lol. Thanks for your kind words and support.