Dissociative Disorders and Embarrassment

I haven't had my diagnosis long (Dissociative Amnesia and Depersonalization Disorder) but recently it had a big negative impact on my life. I had numerous episodes previously but it was only "mental checkout", I wasn't moving, I wasn't physically doing anything.

The last one though, the one that put me on my leave from work, was a physical action but one where my body was moving/doing while my mental state (my then reality) was watching from a distance. In other words, my body was doing something but *I* wasn't there. It was very dream like, surreal. This has proven to be extremely embarrassing to me. I have to go back to where it happened and explain it to others. I don't know how. I know all the rationalizations of mental illness, that's it is no different then physical disabilities and I should hold my head up, but I can't. I'm ashamed and embarrassed.

So how do I go on? How do I answer questions or explain this? I'm in therapy and on medications but am terrified of it happening again. I don't know what the exact trigger was so I'm not confident I can avoid it.

(((((((((((( mrsnacho ))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you are feeling so embarrassed over this situation. I don't think anyone "needs" to know the details of your illness at all. I would think a simple "I'm suffering from a disorder in which I'm being currently treated for" would be enough.

Take good care!

Have you checked with your doctors about your medications. sometimes medications can make dissociation problems worse. thats one of the reasons I was taken off one of my meds and put on another. the one medication made my dissociation problems of not being totally aware so much worse. Im now on an extremely low dosage so that my depression and anxety are held as in check as possible so as not to create dissociation problems or worsen what dissociation problems that I have, and I am working with my doctors on other non medicated means of survival. so that hopefully in the near future I will not need any medications at all for my depression/anxiety problems.

I agree with Sabby...you don't owe anybody anything.

Dissociating can be quite disturbing to our lives and, yes, can lead to embarrassing situations once in a while.

Would you expect someone who had Diabetes and became weak, lightheaded, and foggy minded due to a low blood sugar, while at work, to feel embarrassed though...or would you expect them to need to explain why or what happened, or just take care of themselves and get better.

You're okay...you owe them nothing.

Mrsnacho- I feel for you. I dont know how to explain it to others, especially people who dont know you well, but I am of the belief that you dont owe anyone an explanation for anything. What I quoted from you is exactly what happens to me. Watching from a distance, sometimes remembering bits and pieces, sometimes remembering more or none. I only really do the explaining to my family, and others I dont bother. I was upset tonight and had a terrible tantrum. I know what I did from what I thinki I did, but the actual truth is that I dont actually recall doing all the mess. And a finger is badly bruised. I know I had the tantrum, but I cant say how I hurt my finger. I must have banged it hard b/c it is so purple. How could i not recall how I did that?

These are things that I wouldnt have thought anything about b/c I am used to doing doing things and not recalling very much. But I am not trying to notice when I dont remember what i did or what is going on.

Is it dissociation if I recall some of it? And other bits I dont know what happened?

Anyway, Mrsnacho, I understand your terror about it happeneing again b/c you dont know the trigger. Usually I dont know the trigger, but this time I have a good idea what it was. Still, it is very scary to not be in control.

I wish I felt that answer (which is good) will be sufficient but I'm expecting worse. I don't defend or explain myself well at all. I'm trying to prepare myself to deal with the anxiety (which has been overwhelming). Maybe I just need to rehearse that response until I feel confident?

I haven't been on meds for years. I've been able to cope and deal with issues with therapy on an "as needed" basis. There have been too many problems in recent months though (death of a loved one, found out I have an aggressive form of skin cancer, stress from work, etc) and they pushed me over the edge. I'm glad to have the DA & DD identified though, in a way my worst day was my best day because of finding out what is really going on with me.

You said exactly what my husband and friends have said. I know in my heart that you're all right and I should accept that. I am struggling to deal with it in that light. I'm seeing my therapist again tomorrow, hopefully that will change.

As it was explained to me, DA is the loss of the memories, blank pages in your time (which I have a lot of), especially around traumatic events. DD is the feeling that you're out of body/watching yourself from a distance, can't really tell if it's a dream or reality, if something just happened or you imagined it. I found some good info on the Mayo Clinic website, that probably explains it as well as my medical professionals explained it to me.

(((((((((( mrsnacho ))))))))))

I can understand the anxiety you are going through. I think when we feel guilty about something we automatically think we need to explain ourselves. We have to understand where that guilt comes from though. Does it come strictly from embarrassment, or from feeling that you have done something wrong? (there could be many other reasons as well)

I'll share with you a situation I was in and how I handled inquiring minds in the work place (and this will work anywhere). Something had happened that was embarrassing to me as well. I was quite upset about it and was having difficulty with the idea of going back to work and worrying about all the questions I would get from people, many of them well-meaning and some of them just plain nosy. I realized that I did NOT have to give anyone an explanation as it truly was none of their business. So I went to work, just like any other day. I was my usual self, held my head high and walked in. Of course, all eyes were on me and that felt a little uncomfy, but I brushed it off and went to my desk. Through the day, many people came to me asking me if I was alright. I told them I was fine, and thanked them for asking. Many of them would then ask me, "What the heck happened?". I answered with the following - "Why do you need to know?". 99% of the people who asked that, stammered and said they really didn't need to know and then walked away. The 1% who pushed it were told that the issue was not up for discussion. And I thanked each one for their concern (whether they truly were concerned or not LOL).

It's scary at first to do this, but what a great feeling of control it can give you in the long run. And it will get easier for you as you move forward and use that question...."Why do you need to know?".

Another option with that same question is to put it in the form of a little joke with a smile - "That info is given on a need to know basis and you don't need to know" and then wink at them LOL. It breaks the seriousness and anxiety you may be feeling but let's folks know they stepped over the line.

Wishing you well!

Interesting. I have both of those. But it isnt something that happens all the time. Some days more than others, some days only for moments and sometimes longer. Do you know if there is any criteria on how often it happens?

I am going through a similiar situation.My strongest alter is five and she has MANY triggers which are my biggest concern.Sometimes it Mcdonalds,a park,someone with a icecream or even another kid.It is a struggle but for me,finding out my triggers help alot.Sometimes,I even have my husband show me picures from a magazine or items around the house.It has helped to identify some.I am new to the forum but would welcome any correspondance and wish you well.

I LOVED Sabby's response to you mrsnacho! Wow. I am going to copy and paste it into my "need to remember" file!