[Amanda1960]

This may sound bizarre but sometimes Im not sure about wether Im really dissociative or not. I mean I got the diagnosis many years ago but I cant help but wonder if some of the stuff that happens to me isint just me making it all up. How do I know if all the reading Ive done on the subject hasnt influenced the way I behave?

Then I think to myself about the lost time, switching in front of my daughter and really freaking her out, finding debits on my debit card for purchases I dont remember making? Could it be anything else? Absent-mindedness, perhaps? Ive been called dingbat more n once. Maybe thats all it is.

Anyway, getting to a loss for words and train of thought is nearing an end.

[WePow]

((((( Amanda1960 ))))) for us, a very big part of the DID is the denial. Me personally - I don't like to admit that the h3ll on earth I went through as a child could ever happen to any child - much less to me!!! Yes, I would like to think of myself as a mentally strong person with an iron will. So "accepting" that I was "fractured" due to the abuse of others - well it is indeed a tough pill to swallow.

So in the past, I liked to tell myself that the other people in my head were just people I put there and that I had control over them all the time. I tried to tell myself that I WANTED to be the others sometimes- so I was acting like that when I wanted to do it. I wanted nothing more in the world than to just believe that this "type of thing" happened to "others" but I was somehow "stronger" and it did not happen to me.

.... Now that is honesty for you from me to you ....

A trained therapist can give a DX. Trust the expert first.

[anderson]

Now lets see the answer to your question can be an interesting one. How can you accept yourself when those around you can not feel it ,taste it , or live it. Those with DID have had to learn to live normal lives to be able to survive as an adult. But does it change who we are? How can you ex-plane what you are if every time you try others look at you in disbelief. Yes there will be days when all is calm, when all your alters will sit back and relax while you carry all the weight yet like you describe it. Wham ! they come out let the outsiders know that they are still there. You can not change what you are. You can only accept that you are different. And not in a bad way, you survived something as a child that few adult could. but now you have to help heal all those that have been hurt with in so that you can be one again if that is your choice. Lost time and non-joint decisions come from fear and no communications. Don't doubt your self be there for yourself is the best thing you can give yourself and your alters. We send safe hugs to all of you and may you find peace within.

Originally Posted by Amanda1960

This may sound bizarre but sometimes Im not sure about wether Im really dissociative or not. I mean I got the diagnosis many years ago but I cant help but wonder if some of the stuff that happens to me isint just me making it all up. How do I know if all the reading Ive done on the subject hasnt influenced the way I behave?

Then I think to myself about the lost time, switching in front of my daughter and really freaking her out, finding debits on my debit card for purchases I dont remember making? Could it be anything else? Absent-mindedness, perhaps? Ive been called dingbat more n once. Maybe thats all it is.

Anyway, getting to a loss for words and train of thought is nearing an end.

[kasva]

hi amanda.....i don't think i know anyone who has did that doesn't have denial about the diagnosis. it happened with me alot in the first couple years after diagnosis. and it happens when i ignore my parts for any significant amount of time. I really do believe though that it takes very strong people to survive our abuse in this manner. take care of yourself........kasva

[just2b]

I love this post, because it is something that i am currently dealing with now. I have just recently been diagnosed with it, and when my t told me that she is not entirely a DID trained, I lost it. I told her I made everything up. When she tells me to ask inside and all, I go along with it and tell her whatever she is wanting to hear. that after I have said something it is not the truth. i hate it! She and my pdoc says that the symptoms have been very defined over the past two years. i sometimes feel that it is not denial because I just out right dont have it, and other times its like okay let me figure this out. I often tell myself that I dont have it because my trauma wasnt that bad, nothing like Sybil or Eve in the Three Faces of Eve. I just dont get it at times.
Maybe with more journaling and t it will come together.

[Hunny]

Just reading this post wants to make me go elsewhere. I so feel your frustration and pain and just really feel that we have to keep going forward because to stop or to go backward is to let the * win.

Arrrgh!!!

We breathe
We look around room at items
We take more breaths
We take a cup of cool tea
We look at the tv show.

It's going to be okay, yes, it is, everyone of us is going to be okay, yes, learning of inner parts, talking to inner parts and outside peoples. We do have a purpose and I know I will get better and am getting better everyday, we work hard to this end.

Please know you are not alone Amanda and everyone here.

[Amanda1960]

I sorry if made you wanna go elsewhere, Hunny. I did not mean to offend anyone. In T we are treating this like DID and i gotta trust our t on this. Just sometimes i not sure. I feel it then i dont, ya know? anyway i not doubt DID exists cause i know it do. Just not sure it do to me.

[Hunny]

No, no Amanda, not at all, we just remember about how we hated to have this thing and how we truly wanted to escape (go elsewhere) mentioned above. We wrote once it was like having hives and we just wanted out of this body.

We just wanted to come along-side you with our understanding and show you compassion. So, we be okay.

Also, we transitioned to our other work and were a bit on edge about it probably.

Amanda, you are doing a good thing and wondering is just part and parcel.

[Amanda1960]

Not hate the dx so much. lived and dealth with it so long its like company. Hope ur other work got better for ya. them 40 hours at work seem like they go soooo slow and boss man no help. U a good girl to go on and be strong. i am strong too and will do same. Nice to know others know the same thing we do just not happy why it so.

[Hunny]

Yeah...

but, at least we can be here together, all of us on this journey of the healing.

...we been thinking it would be nice to have something like a big present for say after two years of therapy and an even bigger one after four and an even bigger one after six, and so on and so on, you know like they do with other peoples with long term conditions.

okay...we dreamin about this and thinking what dream would you be liking...other than being well, which we know is a given...but say going to Disneyland, or the moon, or maybe for me a drive across my country, or go to where the sun is, or have a special visit from a admired person, or a party with streamers, or you know any things that make us happy. Kind of like they do with cancer patients...send them to the spa...or a special camp, or a retreat, how about a bag of jubejubes or some baloons, you know, it's just like keep fightin' the fight, sort of... Well we can dream, right?

[Hunny]

Helped me to read this,...so nuturing and gived me that sprinkle of love to read.

*******

It's in the jar on the shelf marked with sparkled letters called Be for Self. Instructions, shake generously on self and anyones else around who is in same condition. we shake generously all around.

Originally Posted by anderson

Now lets see the answer to your question can be an interesting one. How can you accept yourself when those around you can not feel it ,taste it , or live it. Those with DID have had to learn to live normal lives to be able to survive as an adult. But does it change who we are? How can you ex-plane what you are if every time you try others look at you in disbelief. Yes there will be days when all is calm, when all your alters will sit back and relax while you carry all the weight yet like you describe it. Wham ! they come out let the outsiders know that they are still there. You can not change what you are. You can only accept that you are different. And not in a bad way, you survived something as a child that few adult could. but now you have to help heal all those that have been hurt with in so that you can be one again if that is your choice. Lost time and non-joint decisions come from fear and no communications. Don't doubt your self be there for yourself is the best thing you can give yourself and your alters. We send safe hugs to all of you and may you find peace within.