Will the nightmare ever really end?????????

Sometimes it is so hard to say what is running deep within. Sometimes there are no words for what are circling around ones head and yet though there are words they cannot seem to come down to the place where they can be relieved. And sometimes you try so hard to hold them back for a reason, so that time can pass and then you can open up even if a little at a time.

What happens when you move forward and something steps in and stops you right in your tracks. You take two steps forward to be pushed back three. You try to get back up but it pushes you down hard and you feel so much that you just cannot put into words. And no matter how hard you try it feels as though the very words get stuck in your throat and will not let go. It feels as though you will choke and there is no air getting in or out.

You push yourself to the point that you are trying so hard to move forward and taking the risk to reach out to be slammed back just as fast. Something inside is terrified but you try to hide this from the world or just from those who seem to care. But you wonder if they will keep holding on or will they too walk away, never turning back. How many times can you bounce back and keep moving forward? How many times will it knock you back again?

Colors we have worn before we see. Threats ringing out with a vengeance and you are so afraid to turn away for fear they could turn on you at any given moment. All this for finding one’s self beneath the rumble where she was suppose to stay buried where no one would fine her not even yourself. Time came to end it all and it passed without taking place and somehow it is not okay or not with those who are hiding. Something is not right and somehow we pay the cost. Silence fills us and we have not spoken a single word without since two nights ago. Silence, is it worth it or is it just a way to injure more? Silence, we cry in silence.

Guilt fills me as I am trying to hold onto something deep within myself that even time will not allow to be freed. Me. I am just one of many within trying to understand and to reach out from a depth of ourselves that no one knows. But how could anyone outside of our self understand, for those within are hiding and to fight our strength runs low and almost empty. We are afraid, afraid of what we hold and no one has any idea, and we wonder if they ever will? How can words convey what lies within the heart of unspoken truth?

So many questions and there seems to be no answers. For answers come and seem to walk away almost leaving no trail of where it went. Sometimes feeling so lost and alone. The feelings you touch for the moment seem to erase into thin air. And all you are trying to do is to reach out and somehow go on. Quiet has come over us not a word spoken to anyone outside of your self, feeling like a yo-yo going up and down constantly. Will you ever really grasp what you are trying to hold onto? Will the world stop before you can get off or will it continue without you?

Silence fills all within and me as we are trying to find a way, someway, just anyway to reach once again. And you wonder does anyone understand what we cannot say or what we will not say? And really it is the first choice, for right now we cannot say anything. But what our thoughts are not saying our heart is screaming out in silence. Will this nightmare ever end and will we ever really be free?

((((((((((dps))))))))))

the words will come again. Do not worry that they will stay away forever. Because once again you are writing, you are giving voice to what is going on inside you. You are stopping only to regroup and then again you will write the pain on your heart. Do not be discouraged because you haven't written in two days. It is ok NOT to write, and it is ok to hide. Knowing within that something is happening is good. You don't always have to say what you are really feeling, because then you would be compromising your safety. Allow yourself time to be alone with those within, and search out that one who is so pushed down that you cannot see her. Know that she too needs to be heard. She has pain and sorrow and strength that needs to be listened to and accepted. Allow her the time to come out of that grave that she is in and give voice to her suffering.

Know that we will be right here, sitting quietly beside you, waiting for you to come and realize that there are those who truly care about you, who take the time to find out what the pain is about, who accept you for who you are.

Sending gentle hugs, our pookiebear, and our hand to hold should you need or want to hold it. We are here for you. Together it may not look so overwhelming.

Jewels

(((DPS))) We are sending you gentle hugs.
Please give your self time and love.
Even though we are a part of a whole each of us within need to grow and learn what safety is.
For those that never had it , it comes even more slowly.
until then may the angels rock you until you feel safe.

(((((((((((((((dps))))))))))))))))))

I have no words either, but I am here with you.

Yes, I have to believe it will, DPS...as tears fall from eyes. There is that hope and when I lose my hope, some one will be there to offer it to me. This has been proven here at PC over and over. Take what hope you need for now Dark and I know you have been generously sharing yours.

Here is hoping and praying that you will be able to get a decent sleep soon.

Cheerio,
Hunny

(((((((((((((dps))))))))))))))

(((((DPS)))))

You're words move my heart to break and my tears to fall. There is such strength and beauty in your words and they express the darkness, heaviness, and sadness and destruction so well.

I want you to know that we hear you. We know of what you speak of. We are not able to put it so eloquently as you are...but it's more than just reading your words. They get into the place inside us where the knowing goes. They find the cracks and crevices and the words leak down like tears and find us where we hide. Yes, it is all familiar.

I am sorry you experience this silent and horrific pain. I feel deeply for you.

Please know that I am right there with you. I'm in that place where only the knowing can survive but cannot seem to be found.

If I could make it better, I would. But know that you help me...you can't make me better, only I can do that, but you help me to know I'm not alone....despite what it feels like...despite what it looks like.

I'm sorry you hurt, but thank you for the strength you have within to help others who are hurting too. You have an amazing strength.

dps, youir words nearly brought me to tears too. So much pain....and the fear of talking..it is amazing how talking helps when we are in a safe place though.Kasva

((((jewels))))

Thank you our dear friend for caring and for the support you give. You do not know what that means to me and all within. Writing comes from within our heart where nothing makes sense yet it all lies waiting to be said. Sometimes being alone with all that is within feels as though a time bomb waiting to explode at any given moment.

Tears fill my eyes just knowing that you are here with us and I feel honored that you care. Thank you for sitting with me during this time. And I welcome pookiebear that means more than you will ever know. Your hand reaching is felt and I want you to know that we are reaching back the best we can. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((anderson))))

Thank you our friend for caring and for reaching back. Thank you for reminding me to give us time and the love is harder for we are just now beginning to look at and understand love. It scares us as love aways had a price and one that we paid. All within myself are struggling but are finding feelings we have never been able to find. Words fill our head as we try to bring them down outslde of ourself.

Thank you for your love and hugs they do not go unnoticed or unappreciated. We feel so thankful for you and for you caring. It means more than you know. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((comp))))

Your no words mean so much as we know you are here with us. Thank you for caring and for sending the hugs. We appreciate you our friend and thank you for being you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((Hunny))))

Thnak you my dear friend for giving us hope as sometimes it feels like it is all but present. Your caring and friendship means so much. I love pc as it has been my place of refuge when the tears flow and when all feels so lost. You all give me strength and courage to keep walking and reaching. Thank you .

Sleep still does not come but in time hopefully as we empty out what fills us we will find a way to rest. Here's wiping your tears that fall. Thank you for caring and for walking here with us. We all walk this road together and reaching out we help one another. I hope I can give back even 1/3 of what you all give to us. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((krazy_phoenix))))

Thank you our friend for the hug for it meant more than you know. Thank you for caring and for being here with us. Knowing you care gives us strength to walk on. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((Elysium))))

Thank you my friend for your words. Tears fill my eyes as I read them and I am touched deeply. Sometimes I wonder if what I say or any of those within say makes sense or can help someone along the way. So many words and feelings fill our head right now needing to find someway out and someway to convey what is going on within.

We never want to hurt anyone. If somehow what we say helps anyone even in one word then it has been worth it all. We are all walking this road together and when one cries we all feel the pain somewhere. In that we can reach out giving one another hope and support knowing we are not alone.

I am so sorry that you know these feelings and that it runs so deep within. It was not right what we all have had to endure. If anything I can say helps you then somehow saying it makes it okay. As hard as it is and the many tears that fall they say it cleanses the heart.

I know that if you could make it better you would. Like you I know that no one can do this for me as I have to do this work, but knowing you and everyone are there gives me strength to keep walking and keep reaching within myself to listen to the others and our heart. The pain cuts deep and like a knife but in order to clean it out we have to go through it.

Thank you for saying I have strength for so many times we feel so weak. This is not easy walking back through that which we never knew existed and feeling all these feelings we never knew we had. How do you feel something you know nothing of? How do we know it is okay now when it never was okay?

Only time will heal as we walk on sometimes falling under but never giving up. They have taken enough and to work through this is to take back what never was allowed. Thank you hon for caring and for your strength you show me. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((kasva))))

Thank you my friend for your words and for caring. Yes, it is amazing how talking can help especially when we realize we can. Maybe for the first time reaching within the depths of where it all was hidden for so long. Thank you for walking here with us and for reaching out. It means more than you will ever know. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((DPS))))
As always your words give peace to our wounded heart.
The amazing thing is that PC world has given all of us a means to communicate with each other. The best gift of all is finding others that understand the pain within when few others in real life understand us. Safe and gentle hugs from all of us to all of you.