[kimmydawn]

unexpectedly and surprisingly, it's just happened. i don't know what IT is, though.

a few days ago, in journaling, a pretty large period of time was given to me (my first courtship and marriage), from one perspective and only regarding this part (i would assume) because it's only about certain aspects of this particular relationship.

anyhow, t read the entry aloud. it was amazingly difficult. i was listening in a type of disbelief that this was my life, a part of it that i wasn't fully aware of, and now it had been put together in one not so pretty picture. i felt as if i was viewing a detailed documentary and t was the narrator. i came home upset and angry and exhausted.

after coming home, more realizations hit me. ppl now remind me of ppl then. i look at my oldest and i see her then, etc. it's like i have one foot there and one foot here. anyhow, i wasn't bombarded with anymore memories or thoughts or feelings. i kept what i had seen at t. after that i was journaling more thoughts and it was ALL here...here with me. it wasn't "over there". it was in me. now, everything is just here for me to view, grab hold of and experience. it's overwhelming. i feel so full that i feel heavy...physically heavy...like my body has almost doubled in weight.

i see and know all of these things. they're not all ugly. i have alot about my daughter as a baby and that's quite beautiful. i have alot of ugly though about her father. i have to see him saturday at her wedding. how am i supposed to do that? it never bothered me to see him before. i didn't know these horrible things, escpecially at the same time.

i've never, ever experienced anything even similar to this. i've been "given" things such as memories, information, facts and even emotion, but nothing like this. she went away a long time ago because she lost her faith and couldn't go on anymore. however, she isn't a she anymore because she's not there anymore. how do i know that? i don't know. there's just no more she. i'm assuming everything that was hers is now mine. also, last nite and today, i'm alone inside. at first it was just me and her, and now it's just me and all of this. i can't sense anyone else close right now.

i feel that i'm in PTSD because i close my eyes and it's there, ppl i see that were there are the ages, etc that they were at the time. i play with the baby and i see my daughter at that age. i also feel that defeat and hopelessness that she felt before she went away. however, i have my life today so i can reason with it.

does any of this make any type of sense?

thanks,

(((((((kimmy)))))))))

I can't reply right now, I'm sorry that I can't.

I am too low and lost and fumbling in the pit.

Just know that I hear you and I care. A lot.

Petunia

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((petunia))))))))))))))) i hope how soon the pit is a memory.

kd

[Gemstone]

(((((((((((Kimmy)))))))))

I am sorry it's so hard. Hang in there.

[h0kie]

(((((((((((((kd))))))))))))))

You're such a strong lady. I have faith that whatever happens this weekend, you will come through with flying colors. My only advice is to ignore your ex husband. It's your daughter's day. Focus on her. You'll be ok. I know it in my heart.

I'll be thinking of you.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((((Kim)))))))))))))) My dear friend. You are truly amazing. You never fail to amaze me more each time I hear your words.

This is a heavy load. And it's an amazing gift (how many times can I say amazing in one post ).

I would love to have memories of my babies. Wow. I know there are some yuck stuffs that you got too. I am so sorry for that and that you are getting so much at one time. I can only imagine how overwhelming it is.

I wish I had some sage advice that would make it all better. The right words to make you feel better. I'm so sorry and so glad for you and so ... yes, amazed... at your progress in life.

Thank you for sharing you with us Kim. As we travel along our journeys, it gives us hope to see people like you.

Many Hugs,
Wantto

[kimmydawn]

i just saw my daughter and her fiance at the mall. we had just been there together yesterday. but seeing her today after all of this, i bawled. so much emotion. i have alot of her as a baby now, and now she's getting married to a wonderful young man. i just couldn't help myself...right in the middle of the mall i'm fanning my face and bawling. my dauther just smiled and said, "awww, mom." and hugged me. they both did. they told me that they placed pretty boxes on kleenex's on the front pew for me and his mom! LOL. if she knew just HOW much emotion was behind that cry. i looked at her and i saw my baby. i saw pictures of my baby that i hadn't had in 18 yrs. my sweet, precious girl. despite it all, i was a good mom.

thanks,

[kimmydawn]

thank you for always being kind and caring ((((((((((((gem))))))))))))))

[kimmydawn]

thank you (((((((((((((((((susan))))))))))))))))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i was a good mom

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You were, are, will always be a good mom.

You adopted me and seem to be doing just fine.



Petunia, virtual adopted daughter of Kimmy.



(Is it a problem, do you think, if the mother is younger than the daughter?)

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((1day)))))))))))))))))))))

thank you for your confidence in me. i need it

kd

[kimmydawn]

thank you ((((((((((((((((((wantto)))))))))))))))))))

even with everything going on in your life right now, you're moving mountains compared to what i was doing at your stage in t.

it won't be long before you're where i'm at. it's cool, scary, foreign...everything.

thank you again,

kd

[kimmydawn]

thank you so much (((((((((((((((petunia)))))))))))))))))

yep, you're officially adopted. age plays no role

kd

[Mahali]

((( kd )))

Believe it or not it all makes perfect sense. It sounds like "she" integrated. Do you think? Her stuff then became yours. It is wonderfull that you got back these precious memories of your daughter. It was obviously time for that to happen. I am not suprised there was a big change for you with all that has been happening. I would have been more suprised if it hadn't.

You will go to the wedding and face your daughter's father the same as you would have before...with your head held high.

You are very strong...more than I think you know.

Take care kd.

place

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((place))))))))))))))))

thank you for letting me know my strength again. you're right. i am strong. i have to be, ya know? i wouldn't be here if i weren't. i will choose not to look at her father, even though we'll have pictures, etc. i will not look at him. i may look his direction, but i choose not to see him.

as for integration, do you think? i would think it would be this monumental, almost spiritual, earth shattering type experience. you know, like when two comets collide in outer space? lol. if this is it. WOW.

as always, place ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) and ty

kd

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((((((((((((( Kimmy )))))))))))))))))))))))))

[kimmydawn]

thank you so much (((((((((((((((((silver)))))))))))))))))

kd

[misty]

(((((((((((((((kimmy)))))))))))))))))))) What a wonderful time to have memories of your daughter. I have no doubt you were and are a wonderful mom!!!!!
lrks

((((((((((((((kimmy)))))))))))))))
your experience is awesome!!! how i wish for memories of my sons. all i have of their childhood are photos but very few memories.
you will do wonderful at your daughter's wedding. with the memories of beginnings you will be able to tie in this new beginning. congrats on getting a "son".
w_i

[wisewoman]

Kimmy, it sounds amazing to me and makes tons of sense and it's like a doubled edged sword. That you can have this now as you see your daughter marry and celebrate her life, but that you also have the pain. I will say what we all know, that pain is in the past. It is not happening now. Be with yourself and be the mom you are. Pretty great posting.