[Hunny]

"I want to reconcile my life to this healing but I am struggling with all the major decisions made between the age 20 or so to 30 or so. I am not 30 to 40 or 40 to 50 or 50 to 60, I am 20 to 30 and I don't know how I got well and I don't know how I can live with those major life decisions I made between 20 and 30 without being healed from my traumas. My attention to my goals and decisions made in those years were based on me being traumatized. I am seriously feeling 'crazy' based on this healing. How can I look at the decsions and choices I made and be happy? The choices were all based on fears, escape, being and looking acceptable, denying traumas, abuses and neglect. These were not small decisions. These were major life decisions, like life partner, school and career decisions, choices of where to live and most important what spiritual path I chose (the only decision that sort of seems to be on firm ground to this day). These decisions were made with the broken-ness of who I was not on the restored-ness of who I am. How do I reconcile this? Even the small details as to the foods I ate to the foods she is now accepting to eat, the places she goes, the way she lives, the clothes and shape and age she is. This seems too 'huge' to overcome. I had made good and bad decsions but the consequences of those decisions she lives with to this day!? I feel responsible and unclean. To what end was I healed? To what purpose, so I can look at all those choices and feel like crap? I am sorry but I just need to get this out. I don't know who I am and she doesn't know who I am either. This is making me quite frantic and she said if I could speak about it maybe we could get some relief."

People this is who and what I am working on right now. I think this is my most dissociated part to date. I don't know how to comfort her and we dialogued a lot this past week. I think she was more or less put on shelf until about a month ago when she started to appear again. I think she has been in therapy at times but needed to be asked to wait while we helped the children. Who knew??? She is so alert and I am so fuzzy and sick and I am trying to dialogue with her and as you can tell she is quite upset. I told our therapist and the therapist said we are doing all the right things by discussing everything but I am feeling weak/sick or is it her or someone else who is sick and I am just looking after things in not such a good way. All in all it's been quite a time. I am really wanting to be in denial and so does she or maybe she is just used to being in the background and now that she is coming forward, well, it is all too much. My therapist said she thinks that I can handle her/this just like I did Wish but I don't know?! I know how painful that all was as some of you know too. Wish did not have to make life decisions like she did. By the way Wish has been helping too and I thank her too.

Any light you might be able to shed on this will be eternally appreciated. Oh and speaking of eternally she is not sure how we chose the spiritual path we did. Oh my goodness this is so daunting. And on top of it all, this appears to be only one age group and both ends are a bit unclear and overlapping.

Hunny
The Hive

[anderson]

(((((Hunny))))
We all have had to make choices in the past as well as the futures. Just know no matter what we did the best we could with what we had to work with. Even when we sound off on our Golden cage the truth is if it had not been for that cage we probaly would have been hurt more then we had been.
The good guys made us take space because they thought we were just in recall. But the truth was is that people had came to enjoy the fact that they could hurt us and not fully remember what happen to us. The gross part is that some of them are tring to be friendly with us and are skin crawls when they are near us. But now we are able to speak up and tell others who we want near us and who we don't. No matter what each one of has done in the past it was to the best of her/our ability with what we had to work with.
From all of us to all of you

[susan888]

(((Hunny)))

[Hunny]

Originally Posted by anderson

(((((Hunny))))
We all have had to make choices in the past as well as the futures. Just know no matter what we did the best we could with what we had to work with. Even when we sound off on our Golden cage the truth is if it had not been for that cage we probaly would have been hurt more then we had been.
The good guys made us take space because they thought we were just in recall. But the truth was is that people had came to enjoy the fact that they could hurt us and not fully remember what happen to us. The gross part is that some of them are tring to be friendly with us and are skin crawls when they are near us. But now we are able to speak up and tell others who we want near us and who we don't. No matter what each one of has done in the past it was to the best of her/our ability with what we had to work with.
From all of us to all of you

(((( Anderson ))))
Thank you, I knew we could count on you to understand and bring some kind of sense to this splitting. I think it may be a long journey to ease her fears and her self abuse. Her best was good enough for me but she feels so responsible and icky about some of those choices and feels horrified at the external abuses, even rapes she had no idea were that at the time and having a spouse who was in a way an acquaintance to one of the original main abusers makes her be even more disgusted. I have no way of consoling her. It will probably come from somewhere but at this time she wants to dissolve or do her old (poor) coping mechanisms. They just never worked, we know that. Sorry to go on and on about these specifics.

But, yes, the baddies are kept at bay with this healing of traumas with the raising of boundaries and feelings and listening to our body reaction. Like the other day I was sitting in a coffee house and some guy asked us for a ride home, out of the blue! In the past people like him could read our vulnerability but this time I said: "No". Too bad he had heart condition this or that! It was a great feeling of power. I even went to the staff and told them how inappropriate that was for a stranger to ask another customer and a lone female at that for a ride home! Stupid, stupid.

I then told her (inside) how proud of her it was that we stood together (no matter how small an incident). So, yes, keeping the skincrawlers away is major! Geez who would have thought at this body's age!!! Darkness is waiting on the sidelines for its opportunity for sure. But I stand with my buddies here on PC against the dam creeps.

Please thank all of you for your inside kindness as I know you are waiting and even struggling to be free.


Hunny

.

[Hunny]

Susan888

Thank you for stopping by with your hummingbird to reassure.

Your hugs are very welcomed right now.

Hunny

[susan888]

Be OK sweetie. My thoughts will be with you tonight.

[anderson]

((((Hunny))))
We all have bad guys we want to in half. But until then we need to have and to watch over us. They let us know that even we are afried of the and feel like we are stranded on an that someone still cares for us.
May you all know that we are with all of you from all of us.

[Hunny]

Originally Posted by susan888

Be OK sweetie. My thoughts will be with you tonight.

Hey Susan, you count in my books. Please take care too and thanks for your thoughts this evening.

It does feel good to have a few things out around all this.

Hunny

[Hunny]

[QUOTE=anderson;1363750]

((((Hunny))))
We all have bad guys we want to in half. But until then we need to have and to watch over us. They let us know that even we are afried of the and feel like we are stranded on an that someone still cares for us.
May you all know that we are with all of you from all of us.

[/QUOTE

Anderson, this started to be such a serious day for me as I am unraveling things again and I am glad that the night has ended on a bit of a lighter note with these little icons that carry a lot of visual weight. That little dragon is me, not big, striving to learn strength and sometimes a bit more smoke than fire but feisty all the same.

I pray those tender hearted, really big and strong male angels all around us all here on DD/PC Forum as we all set about our days doing what we need to do to get better.

Blessings to all over your way.

Hunny

this is all we have left to offer after yesterday be well

[Hunny]

Originally Posted by TrinityDancer

this is all we have left to offer after yesterday be well

(((((( TrinityDancer ))))))

Thank you for coming alongside. Thank you for sharing your hearts.

Here is hoping some help comes to you quickly.

Hunny

[krazy_phoenix]

Dearest Hunny & Hive,
We too struggle with life decisions made in this particular time line in our life - between the ages of 20 and 30. We struggle with our teen decisions too but there seems to be more of an acceptance of these decisions being part of the learning of life, than the decisions of the 'adult' years. Our body is mid-30's & is still reeling from physical traumas, let alone the mental and emotional scars, incurred during that decade of our life as results of those decisions. Some of the shared memories that have come to light in the last month or so have been shattering - and her words, "The choices were all based on fears, escape, being and looking acceptable, denying traumas, abuses and neglect." and "These decisions were made with the broken-ness of who I was not on the restored-ness of who I am. How do I reconcile this?" We so feel these sentiments for our crew. The decisions made by those of us who were not capable of making appropriate life choices at that time have shocked us and rocked us, endangered our life, hurt us terribly. How do we reconcile this? We haven't yet entirely, as we haven't reconciled with any of the traumas of this existence. The conclusion however we have come to, which may be temporary, is that those decisions were made because we were repeating a pattern laid down in our subconscious by outsiders. We didn't know the pattern was there, we didn't know we were 'programmed' to go off the rails before we even left the station. Yet as anderson says, we did the best we could with what we had. We are still alive, we are still here, we survived yet another period of trauma. It is unfortunate that not only do we have the 'early' trauma to reconcile, but we have 'side-effect' traumas from repeating our negative unaware patterning to reconcile as well. I wonder if it will ever end. Just when I think things are going ok, I discover we have a new case of SI to deal with (from teen alt). Another (albeit mini) trauma to heal - another hiccough slowing progress - another direction to look.
I just wanted you to know Hunny that I'm thinking of you, that I'm hearing you, that I'm hurting for you too. And I hope that the meaning of reconciliation is one that you can mold to best allow you peace.
kp

[anderson]

((((KP)))) and ((((Hunny))))

At times we feel like we have the world on our backs and still trying to learn to wondering when we will be able to walk free from all this ****. But knowing for the first time in a long time someone hears those within. that we are not alone. WE all need to be held and told that but those here have become the people that rock us to sleep safetly and play with to thank you both so much.

......

[Hunny]

Krazy_Phoenix,

In your reply I find the words you have given me begin to capture the feelings of 'pure unadulterated serious frustration' that I am feeling: "shattering" is very, very good! "Shocked and rocked" also comes super close. "Programed patterning" hits the nail on the head as far as description. Thank you for hearing and hurting for me, although I pray the hurt is buffered for you. I know I am healed in the long run, I am hoping to have her know that I acknowledge these feelings.

Thank you for giving me very good words to attach to them.

She says: "It seems that I am feeling all these feelings and they are to be put in the context of: "I did the best I could" and I pray that I will believe this statement. I will, I will."

There is a pull both directions and it is making me so crazy...so split, so argh, grrrrr.

It's helping though, so many, many thanks. At least the tears are starting to drip slowly out of eyes, from the frustration of it all.

Hunny

Originally Posted by krazy_phoenix

Dearest Hunny & Hive,
We too struggle with life decisions made in this particular time line in our life - between the ages of 20 and 30. We struggle with our teen decisions too but there seems to be more of an acceptance of these decisions being part of the learning of life, than the decisions of the 'adult' years. Our body is mid-30's & is still reeling from physical traumas, let alone the mental and emotional scars, incurred during that decade of our life as results of those decisions. Some of the shared memories that have come to light in the last month or so have been shattering - and her words, "The choices were all based on fears, escape, being and looking acceptable, denying traumas, abuses and neglect." and "These decisions were made with the broken-ness of who I was not on the restored-ness of who I am. How do I reconcile this?" We so feel these sentiments for our crew. The decisions made by those of us who were not capable of making appropriate life choices at that time have shocked us and rocked us, endangered our life, hurt us terribly. How do we reconcile this? We haven't yet entirely, as we haven't reconciled with any of the traumas of this existence. The conclusion however we have come to, which may be temporary, is that those decisions were made because we were repeating a pattern laid down in our subconscious by outsiders. We didn't know the pattern was there, we didn't know we were 'programmed' to go off the rails before we even left the station. Yet as anderson says, we did the best we could with what we had. We are still alive, we are still here, we survived yet another period of trauma. It is unfortunate that not only do we have the 'early' trauma to reconcile, but we have 'side-effect' traumas from repeating our negative unaware patterning to reconcile as well. I wonder if it will ever end. Just when I think things are going ok, I discover we have a new case of SI to deal with (from teen alt). Another (albeit mini) trauma to heal - another hiccough slowing progress - another direction to look.
I just wanted you to know Hunny that I'm thinking of you, that I'm hearing you, that I'm hurting for you too. And I hope that the meaning of reconciliation is one that you can mold to best allow you peace.
kp

[Hunny]

Okay we talked briefly this morning and there was the scream inside our head that went off in the far, far distance. It's that scream that is strong, not lacking in power in any way.

Then...we communicated. She seems to be wanting compassion not resignation over decisions made, is what I got. For all the horrid things happened that led to these decisions she needed to make she is trying to make the connection to healing and change or not change. She is trying to find the silver lining. It's connection between the two that she is making a bridge to.

So, I say to her and this can be for others in communication with their parts too. Thank you for keeping on talking to me. I am so sorry your body, mind and spirit had to endure such atrocities, no matter how huge or how hidden, no matter how accepted or denied. You did not deserve such horrors. You are best of the best!

You are (a) valued member/s of the universe by just who you are. There are no expectations put upon you anymore. You are wonderful! You are amazing! You ARE the best!

I am sorry all of these things happened to you (all) and you have my support whenever you need it to make the connections, one at a time to the past and to the future.

She says: "I shall read this upon my return".

Hunny
The Hive

[michelle421]

Originally Posted by Hunny

I am so sorry your body, mind and spirit had to endure such atrocities, no matter how huge or how hidden, no matter how accepted or denied. You did not deserve such horrors. You are best of the best!

You are (a) valued member/s of the universe by just who you are. There are no expectations put upon you anymore. You are wonderful! You are amazing! You ARE the best!

thank you for this!!

you are all beautiful and important and special and strong. you are all good people. you all deserve peace. everyone has their own path to wellness, and healing is not easy. but we are all strong. i'm so glad that there is a community like this to share support and encouragement and love.

[Hunny]

Dear oh, dear, this was at the beginning of the month!

Can I explain. I will explain, I will find the words and explain. I have been through a time warp tunnel. I find myself having been helped with an outstanding flashback memory she was carrying. Seems like so many left

NOT going to deal with them now...need rest...

Want to update but don't want to say it with words.

GRATITUDE

Will paint you a gigantic heart with places there for your favourite sweet and a word that means a genuine and meaningful THANKS but only a word that would be for your heart of hearts. The colour of the heart is your choice and the word is your choice and the candy is your choice. It is though a gratitude heart.

Thank you all for helping to make this possible to be able to work through