going back to partial for a couple of weeks

for those of you that don't know, complic8d is in the same hospital that I go to for partial. We see each other every day, give each other hugs and send good thoughts to all of you. She misses being here and is looking forward to going home so she can be here again. She hopes that all of you are well and she sends hugs to you all!

all of (((Jewels)))

Stay strong and know we are here waiting for you to check in and tell us about your day. You are doing so much hard work!

Please tell Comp that we love & miss her.

Day 7

Well, today was another difficult day. We had group in the morning on Locus of Control Shift, and then we did a group on the benefits/negatives of both being ill and being healthy, and then this afternoon we had a girl work with Dr. Ross. It was during this most difficult session group that we associated too much with the one doing the session with Dr. Ross, and felt like we were being torn in two. Of course, I shared it with Marilyn (trauma head honcho) as she was taking us back to our own area of partial, and got quite choked up. We didn't want to cry in front of the other people in the group, so we choked back the tears. It feels like it is tearing us apart and leaving these huge gaping wounds rather than putting us together. We are unsure as to whether we should go inpatient or not, but hopefully another couple of days will help to put us a little bit more together. We don't like the feeling that we have right now, so please pray for us. Thanks for checking in!

PS...Comp is getting out Thursday, so she will be back online after she gets home and settled. She thanks everyone for their warm thoughts and the many hugs she has been getting.

(((Jewels))) and (((comp)))

Day 8

Well, the classes seem to be getting more under our skin as the days go by. Today we did classes on Shame, and Grief and Loss. Both were really triggering for me, and I felt like a walking wounded person for much of the day. I am home now and feel like all I can do is sleep. I have not done any dishes, or even cleaning this week. It is all I can do to sit and type, and then go to lay down and rest. While my first time at partial was ok in that I could do things when I got home, such as wash dishes, take the trash out, and even cook, now I find my strength is gone and I am running on fumes. How did I get to this position I will never know. I am just very tired and out of steam. Plus I have a conference to go to on Friday through Sunday, and have to work at it as well. So I will get no rest which is what I really need. Hopefully I will be ok because I have to go back to partial on Monday. Today was my last day with Comp. She leaves tomorrow. I will miss her but will have her online to help cheer me on. Right now I think I will be going home after Monday, but that is subject to change as well. I just need to get things done and don't have a thing I can do right now. I didn't know trauma work could be so gut-wrenching, exhausting work. Now I am finding it to be the truth. Next time I can do any work is next Tuesday. I hope I will feel up to working in the house. It really has to be done. And right now I just don't give a dam* about it. For now, it has to wait.

(((((((Jewels)))))).

It it was an easy thing you went through & could be delt with easily, it wouldn't have been a trauma that needs to be delt with. It was as emotionally damaging when it happened as it is now, only at the time, we are just trying to survive, not sort through what is happening.....but the only way to resolve these things is to be able to resolve the things that happened & put them into a proper perspective so that we can live NOW more easily & (maybe more normally).

The dishes can wait.....nothing is going to happen if they don't get washed. YOu went back to partial to deal with some issues that needed to be delt with.....it's good that is your focus...it is what you need to be working on right now & nothing else is really important other than yourself.

When we deal with emotional issues, they are exhausting...just the way it is. Resting the way you are doing is a good thing as it allows your mind in the subconscious to process all that you have learned & experienced in the healing process during the day at partial.

I think that going to partial for as long as you can to process as much as you possibly can is a great thing & each day is a step in your healing....right now, this is the work you need to be doing & everything else will wait.

If the conference this weekend seems like it might be more than you can handle, maybe you need to think about cancell going to it. No need to push yourself beyond your limits, it may only end up hurting you more than helping. I am sure there will be another opportunity when you are in a better place with your own life. Sometimes we need to put everything on hold while we are trying to get over a specific hurdle & then we can get back to our normal functioning after that point.

Take care of yourself.....praying for you to be able to resolve the issues you went into partial to deal with (& maybe a few more toward your healing process)

All my prayers are with you,
Debbie

Day 9

Well, the good thing is we are going to a conference this weekend so we won't be going to partial. The bad thing is we are going to a conference this weekend so we won't be in partial. At least one of us is sui****l right now, with perhaps 2 or 3 being in such pain they don't want to live either. Please pray that we get through the weekend unscathed and safe. We have Partial on Monday again, and then will see if we need to go again, or will be done. I hope we are done, because I am quite behind the 8 ball, and I so need to get things under control here at home. But if not, then I will deal with things as they come. Today was very difficult because of so many being actively sui****l, but believe that as we go on in T we can be safe outside of the hospital setting. More prayers are asked for as well as something encouraging. I have struggled to ask for this because there are so many that need to be encouraged right now. Just know that I wish I could offer hope to others, it just isn't there right now. Thanks for keeping updated. Your reading is inspiring to me.

(((( (((( (((( ((((Jewels)))) )))) )))) ))))

Have been reading and sending silent support to you. Your strength in doing this is inspiring. How hard it is to face so many things but you started it and are continuing Thank you so much

(((((((((Jewels )))))you are in my thoughts and prayers...wish you get better soon, I know how hard is all of these.

love you
genn

Day 10

Well, today was the final day of partial for me. It was hard just knowing that I wouldn't be back for a while, but at the same time there was something empowering in it. We are still a little sui, but we have Bert on Friday and our case manager is coming on Thursday. We have to be strong, even though we feel so weak right now. The classes were on Attachment, Boundaries and Anger Management. Because I couldn't participate in Anger Management, I just watched. I was very much in tune to my anger, but it didn't seem that I could access the pain enough to be able to deal with it. Maybe I am not strong enough to be able to deal with anger now. I don't know. All I know is that I felt like I was being shoved out the door. I know that isn't how it was, but it felt like that. And as I sit home today, I feel like I have failed to accomplish what I went in there for. Except that we did meet an alter that we really didn't know before. We knew her name but she usually didn't venture out of her room, so we didn't get to know her before. I am very frightened right now, because I feel I have let myself be in a position of vulnerability and am powerless to stop it right now. I am very scared, and unable to hang on to keep my head above water. I don't know which way to turn. I am feeling as if whatever I do will be the wrong thing. Oh why did I even go in the first place? Now things are cracked, open and bleeding. I definitely did NOT need this to happen. It feels as though I am going crazy. And that is not a good place to be. Tears seem to be non-existent at this point in time. I just don't know where or what to do to tap into those things that are buried within. Do I even want to be cognizant of that? Right now the answer is NO. I don't even want to start. There is too much that needs to be recovered, too much that needs to be uncovered. I am not strong, and too needy. I am too scared right now, so I will write more later.

(((Jewels)))
We will sit with you and hold your hand if ok. We're so sorry everything is scary, but please know you are safe and we're all with you.

(((((Jewels))))),

I am sorry that your partial is over. It seems as though you were progressing in so many ways, I am surprised that they decided to have it end right now for you. Like you said......cracking something open & then leaving it in that state doesn't seem like the wisest thing they could have chosen to do. Guess that may be why the trauma program is more for inpatient....in a longer term setting?

Giving you gentle hugs to let you know how much I care & how much I want you to feel better, at least to get the stable with the point you have arrived at now. Maybe that is their theory......treatment to open up a little more each time......a new level of healing.

Praying for you to find some peace with where you are now in your healing process.

Much love,
Debbie