I haven't written here in a long time. I haven't given support to anyone. So I may not have the right to do so now.
I can't even articulate this..... over the years, my birth family has slowly pushed me out of their lives. This culminated with my fathers death a few years ago. I always told my mother that I was afraid I would get pushed out and not belong any more. I'm not a young kid...I supposidly have my own family and husband. I am not privy to my mother's medical issues or anything "family related" The birth family does not validate that I feel this. I am alone.I want to belong.
Lately the husband has been acting a lot like birth family and blaming me, sayng very hurtful things and offering no emotional support. We will not ask for anything because that is just a set up for pain and hurt. We did not ask the husband to do research for us tonight, yet he did. We said thank you. Yet when we didn't think we'd have a way to persue this resurch because of the birth family and them not wanting us to know anythng, he got very angry. We are accused of making excuses. Husband knows the situation, he knows that the children now repeat exact derogatory phrases from the birth family....HE should KNOW and they are not true.
Now he seems to be of the same mind as birth family. Now it seems that we are totally alone in reality. We will not let his cruel words hurt. No one will ever see us cry again. We will never need of want from anyone. It isNOT SAFE TO NEED. He used to see our hurt but now, he uses it against us. There is no reason to be..."raison d'etre" (the French is rusty)
We cannot continue to pretend all is well...that we feel nothing...that we can't be hurt. There is no more safe place to fall. Once or twice we believed there were those safe places only to be tricked. There wiLL BE NO MORE PAIN

[Gr3tta]

Thank you for sharing this, Calista et all. We are very sorry for the pain you are going through right now. It is not right for your husband to "use your pain against you" as you feel he is doing. A spouse should always be there for emotional support, and we are very sorry you are not being provided it by him.
Maybe he is feeling weak, or confused, or hurt himself right now? That might be understandable, but it is still no excuse for him to be hurtful towards you!
We encourage you to NOT pretend that all is well. When you are struggling, you should let him know. You should let others know whenever it is safe to do so. We are very glad you were able to share your feelings here, if no where else.
Please do not feel bad about not posting here lately. We all give support as we are able to, and are free to seek support here when we need it!
All of us will be thinking about you, and sending you caring thoughts. Safest 's if you are able to recieve them.
~Emma & Gretta

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Calista+12))))

Thank you for posting and for reaching out. I am glad that you are back and that you are letting us know how you are. Please never feel that you do not deserve support or care. There is no set posts or support you have to give for so many times we are all in different places and may not be able to post.

Our support is always here for you and it does not matter how long you have been away. I know that you are not okay and hurting, and I am so glad you could reach out and tell us that. Being who and what you are is important for so many of us could never be who we were. To be honest we are not okay either so we hear you loud and clear.

I am sorry that your family has pushed you out of their lives. I do hear you. What your husband is doing is not supportive and I know it hurts. I went through that too and it is so hard. I am so sorry that he uses your hurt against you. It is not okay for him to do that.

You have a right to your feelings and you also have a right to be heard and cared about. For so long we had no right to our feelings but now you do. (And even back then we had a right they just did not let us know that and we had to believe to survive.)

I want you to know that we are here for you to support, listen, encourage, walk, believe, and give you as many safe hugs as you can take. We do hear you and are so sorry that you are being treated this way.

I do understand that feeling that it is not safe to need. But if we do not take the risk to reach then we shut ourself off from those that do care and are here for you. I know when we have been hurt so many times it is hard and feelings of not being worth it rise within.

But we do care and we are listening. We get what you are saying and we do understand. For so long we did not allow anyone to see our hurt except through our words. Tears did not exist and feelings were smashed to almost non-existance.

We were ready to give up totally, but we took the chance to reach one more time and in that reach we found belief and support that we did not know existed. Sometimes still we try to push that support away from feelings of non-deserving and from fear. Fear that it will eventually leave like it always did.

But something inside keeps holding on and hoping that it is okay. You took that chance and reached and we are reaching back. Take our hand as you can. It is okay to feel what you feel and to have the emotions you have. They are your emotions and feelings and no one has the right to take them away----ever.

We accept you for who you are, where you are, and we believe and validate how you are feeling. Please keep postng and reaching out. Love you. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[anderson]

(((celesta)))
we be here for you to.

[Miracle1986]

(((Calista and all)))

Thank you all for the support. I didn't expect it. I don't mean that you all aren't supportive, cause you are, but I didn't deserve it. If I could cry, I would; and hold this computer screen as I did for I am so afraid to need warmth yet you gave it freely. You are the closest I have been to warmth in so long.

oh God, Thank you....

Trying to stay out of our head and engage with outdside. It's hard....played with pets and that helped. T is going on vacation soon. but he's available by phone or email. If we don't see him, he doesn't exist. so we worry....
Not too many people understand us /me (Raven) like he does.

[shattered_angel]

am thinking of you safe hugs from us Calista
Caressa

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((Calista, Raven))))))))

You helped me today a lot. I was feeling stupid and embarrassed and thinking that people would look at my post and say "oh it's her shes crazy ignore her". You didn't ignore me and you made me feel comfortable enough to if not admit there is an issue, then at least to look at what is happening with me and how to handle it if it is real. You deserve hugs and love and friendship and support, and just as you freely gave it to me I give it to you.

My family fell apart when my dad died and I had to walk away from my family and their toxic ways recently because they were making me toxic too. I didn't want that so I told them off really badly and will never speak to them again. It hurts at times, but I also think that I am addicted to being hurt because I kept going back for it again and again...anything so that they would accept me as one of them...but looking at them from where I am now, they are not nice people to want to be like.

Husband is frustrated and scared sometimes; he likes to help but doesn't feel that he can do enough to make things better so he feels inadequate, that makes him annoyed. Just as you are afraid and hurt so is husband because he tries like you do..

(((((((())))))))

[Jewels]

((((((((((Calista et all))))))))))

you are loved, appreciated, and wanted here...don't worry about you not posting a lot...there is no law that says you can't come if you don't post so many per day. I am just glad you came back.

Do some good things for YOU, my dear. And know that we are glad you came. So snuggle in, you are wanted here. We will give you hugs, and more hugs, and more hugs...and even share our pookiebear with you...

welcome back Calista!!!

Jewels

Thank you all for the kind words....I don't know what or even IF I feel anything today. Since most "family members" are away on vacation, I am now "good enough" to keep an eye on my mother. I don't have any idea how I should feel. I know this "right" to be with my mother will disappear once the others come home, so I can't get comfortable with it.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Calista+12 ))))))))))))))))

Feel so awfully scared all afternoon and I can't figure out why. I want to cancel my appoints. for tomorrow but I need my scripts....I feel afraid to leave the house. I feel like this when husband is away but he is at home now. I can't understand what I'm afraid of and it's making me frustrated. I want to hide but there is nowhere safe enough.
Any ideas on what this could be?? Please?/

[Gr3tta]

Hi to Calista+12, we are sorry you have become scared. we are not sure to why it has happened but we hope you can keep your appointments remember you are in now not in past you are safe and capable of keeping self safe now. we getting easily confused tonight not sure if making sense but just wanted to try because we appreciate your sharing.