[cutlife]

Hi,

I started this post as a reply in another section of this forum, but then realized that this was probably a more appropriate place for it.

My Girlfriend has DID. I typed this originally as a response to someone asking if she was recently diagnosed.

No, she's not recently diagnosed. She's had this for a long time. We dated mopre than 18 years ago and she hinted at it then, but I never understood. We had a gap thwere we didn't see each other for over 18 years, then recently reconnected. Funny how life works sometimes. Our reconnection was instant once we found each other, as she was the one that I compared all of my relationships too, and I found that I was the same for her. We have a strong bond / connection.

Now I have gotten to know her much better than I did even before. She had mentioned her alters, and I realize now that they had come out before, but yesterday, her alter "Lisa" called me. It was not her (my GF Melissa). Melissa plans to leave her job, and basically her whole life, to move to my city to move in with me. Her alter (Lisa) told me that this was to much stress and it's killing her. The alter said that my GF is "hellbent" on making this work and making this move, but she is weak. The alter said she's the strong one that picks up all the pieces and all it'll take is putting doubt in her (my GF's) mind. Then the alter said if she moves to be with me, the stress will kill my GF, and if that happened, she (the alter) would die too. The alter was tough and mean, but the last part she broke down and cried just before she hung up. An hour later my GF called and had zero memory of the conversation.

My GF had mentioned the alters name to me before, but I don't think I really understood. I realize Lisa is part of my Melissa. A part that has helped her survive the horrible abuse she's endured as a child. I want to make peace with this Lisa. Altough she's the tough, strong one, I can tell she's scared about the changes in their lives. Lisa has told me that she doesn't like me and tells me I need to just walk away.

Another part of this situation is they are living in an abusive situation with a very abusive person, but this person provides for them financially. If she quits her job to move in with me, she feels she will have nothing. I have told her I will take care of everything financially if she needs me to. I'm not as wealthy as this abusive person, but I do well and we will be fine. However, she says she won't accept any financial help from me. The alter Lisa says this abusive person is stable and things should stay the same as they have been and I'm the one that is hurting Melissa, but I see the pain in Melissa's eyes and the things she's told me are horrific about her current situation.

Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to know if anyone has any suggestions on how to approach this. I want to make peace with Lisa and assure her that there's a place for her too. I know this move will happen, but not for a few more months. But, those doubts from Lisa are causing a lot of stress. I mentioned to Melissa what Lisa had told me onc time, and that did not go well. I was told telling her would do more harm to her than good.

Is that the right thing to do? Make peace with her alter Lisa? At least try? If so, how would anyone suggest I go about it?

Is there anything I should avoid? For example, telling my GF Melissa about my conversation with alter Lisa, went very badly. I don't want to go through that or put her through that again.

I don't want to say something that might be a trigger.

Any advise would be helpful. I love this woman very much.

[wanttoheal]

Wow, hard situation. I am still connected to abuse through other parts because of similar things. When all parts aren't on the same page, it doesn't work for me, and I rarely seem to be on the same page with other parts...

Does your girlfriend have a therapist? In therapy, T and I are working on getting communication so we can be on the same page so we can get out of a few situations. Outside of that, I'm just not sure. Hopefully someone else has some good advice.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this though. I hope you will find hope and answers that you are looking for.

[Nupoet64]

Cutlife, I do not have the answers for you, but I can relate and only share my experience and maybe there is something you can use.
I have not been diagnosed with DID. My therapist said she is "cautious" to give that Dx. But she did say "splintered personality". I sleepwalk. I have "dreams of three of me".
I am currently married to the best man I have ever known. He is wonderful. When we first started seeing each other, I was scared to death. I had been divorced for 3 years and had been married 10 yrs prior to divorce. My 1st husband was very abusive. I was terrified of falling in love with my current husband. It did cause some stress, but nothing I could not handle.
Shortly after we moved in together one of my "splinters" confronted him. I call her Tiger Lady...idk her name. He told me about waking in the night and moving across the bed like a "big cat", very seductive and sexy...but i have no memory...still. She was very aggressive and tried to scare him. I think she was trying to get rid of him. He laughed at her. She went back into hiding. As far as I know he has not seen her since. But she was trying to protect me. I had not told him about the three of me...he told me. I had never told ANYONE about Tiger Lady...she lived only in my "dreams".
What i think is Lisa is scared to death and trying to "protect" Melissa. But it is a decision for Melissa to make.
Does Melissa ever communicate with Lisa? Maybe that is what is needed? Please do not give up. Melissa deserves to be happy and Lisa is just terrified that she will be hurt. And if Melissa gets into a safe relationship, she may not need Lisa as much and that is where Lisa is coming from. As long as Melissa is in an abusive relationship, then Lisa is her protection. If she has someone safe adn protective, other than Lisa, this threatens Lisa's role.
I am not sure if my rambling helps, but there it is, lol. I wish you guys the best and much happiness. Oh, there is probably no way to win Lisa over. Not at this time. That will only come with time....probably. But no matter what resolution you guys come to, Melissa needs you love and support. When we have been in traumatic situations and abuse for a long time, it is what we know and "normal" is scarey and confusing. But it is a beautiful thing when we adjust...
Mush support and hugz...good luck...

[Lillyleaf]

I think that it is wonderfull for you to try to make piece with Lisa but I want you to know that she might be very hard and even be willing to lie for you to do what she wants if in her mind it will save them. In her mind I think it is servival still the abuse is still a thret and it will make everything she does more... more... derect and in her mind it is still a life and death. Keep letting them know that you will take care of them no matter what becauce you love them. Just keep reashuring. I think that you should be carfull about not telling milissa about your convos becuase it could be in her eyes like keeping secreats maybe you should simply tell her that you talked to one then only do into detail if she asks. I would think make it seem to you like an ok thing and nothing to out of the ordenary because she might be scared you couldnt handle this a go away because of it,
I wish you the best,
Lavender

[cutlife]

Thank you all for the responses. They really do help me. I'm trying to absorb this all in to understand better.

She is flying to see me today. Her flight gets here in 7 1/2 hours and she'll be here until Monday.

As far as telling Mellisa about conversations with Lisa, she has made it very very clear that I need to not do that and that it does more harm than good to do so.

I also want to say that I'm really glad I found this place. I think I would have lost it over the last few days if not for some of the supportive people here.

[LivingMiracle]

Hey Life,

I don't know if this will help you any or not but I figured I would share too. I'm in a relationship right now and I have DID. My mate does the best he can to help me out. I recently was kicked out of an bad living situation and moved in with my mate. I sorta know what your GF is going through. Its a rough road and especially hard when you have more than one opinion to deal with. My mate told me that one of my littles, Molli, came out and had a similar discussion with him as Lisa did with you. My reaction was don't listen to her, just don't communicate with her, it will be fine. Well, it wasn't. Molli got upset that I wasn't listening to her once we moved and she took off. We weren't missing for long since he came looking for us but that fact was I didn't want to deal with other feelings that I essentially had. After Molli and him sat down and talked things have been better between all of us. She still gets upset at him but its FAR better than what it was before now that Molli knows that he is on our side and not like the ones we were being hurt by. Safety is essential for her.

Maybe you should sit down with your GF and tell her maybe you all, including Lisa, need to discuss this move and Lisa's feelings towards you. Don't push the subject though to much with your GF cause sometimes it has the opposite effect (I'm not saying you would by no means but just that happens with my mate and I when he doesn't mean too.) I feel like in order to make my recent move continually working there needs to be open communication between my mate, my littles, and I. That might be the key for your GF, her littles, and yourself.

If you ever need to talk we are here for you.

[cutlife]

Thank you so much LivingMiracle.

I want to eventually at least come to an understanding with Lisa that I care about all of them. And that I'll be there. One thing Lisa told me repeatedly was the Mellisa was wrong, they can't depend on me.

For now I have to respect Melissa's desire to not have me discuss any interactions with Lisa with her. I know when Lisa came out, they were dealing with some very stressful situations, which I just found out about last night.

I am with this woman for the long haul. There is a lot to work out with her DID, eating disorders, severe childhood sexual abuse, and other stuff.

I'm also realizing I have my own issues. I just read a thread here about ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics), which was shocking to me. I knew I had very self destructive tendencies, but I've been working on not and been fairly successful at it, on my own for many years. After reading the thread about ACOA, it suddenly hit me, that is me.

I will be there for her 100% in any way I can, but I am starting to realize I haven't dealt with all of my issues, even if they aren't as bad as hers. When I get insurance, I am planning on seeking some sort of therapy myself.

I also just want to learn as much as I can about the things that affect her life and the best way for me to be supportive.

Again, Thank You.

[50guy]

Hi,
I have had DID for over 40 years and it takes a special person to deal with someone that is DID. My wife has been with me for 37 years and she know my alter, yes, I only have one, and she does not get along with him. She does know who she is dealing with and does well with it but, sometimes she just wants to "make peace".
In all these years she has learned the triggers and she has learned what will work and not work in dealing with me when I "feel one of my turns coming on". Usually she just lets it pass...redirects and mostly helps me get past the episode. It will take time to make peace with the alter(s) and you might not ever be successful, but you can learn how to deal with the "other" in a loving and non-confrontational way.
Best of luck to you and your girlfriend.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by cutlife

Hi,

I started this post as a reply in another section of this forum, but then realized that this was probably a more appropriate place for it.

My Girlfriend has DID. I typed this originally as a response to someone asking if she was recently diagnosed.

No, she's not recently diagnosed. She's had this for a long time. We dated mopre than 18 years ago and she hinted at it then, but I never understood. We had a gap thwere we didn't see each other for over 18 years, then recently reconnected. Funny how life works sometimes. Our reconnection was instant once we found each other, as she was the one that I compared all of my relationships too, and I found that I was the same for her. We have a strong bond / connection.

Now I have gotten to know her much better than I did even before. She had mentioned her alters, and I realize now that they had come out before, but yesterday, her alter "Lisa" called me. It was not her (my GF Melissa). Melissa plans to leave her job, and basically her whole life, to move to my city to move in with me. Her alter (Lisa) told me that this was to much stress and it's killing her. The alter said that my GF is "hellbent" on making this work and making this move, but she is weak. The alter said she's the strong one that picks up all the pieces and all it'll take is putting doubt in her (my GF's) mind. Then the alter said if she moves to be with me, the stress will kill my GF, and if that happened, she (the alter) would die too. The alter was tough and mean, but the last part she broke down and cried just before she hung up. An hour later my GF called and had zero memory of the conversation.

My GF had mentioned the alters name to me before, but I don't think I really understood. I realize Lisa is part of my Melissa. A part that has helped her survive the horrible abuse she's endured as a child. I want to make peace with this Lisa. Altough she's the tough, strong one, I can tell she's scared about the changes in their lives. Lisa has told me that she doesn't like me and tells me I need to just walk away.

Another part of this situation is they are living in an abusive situation with a very abusive person, but this person provides for them financially. If she quits her job to move in with me, she feels she will have nothing. I have told her I will take care of everything financially if she needs me to. I'm not as wealthy as this abusive person, but I do well and we will be fine. However, she says she won't accept any financial help from me. The alter Lisa says this abusive person is stable and things should stay the same as they have been and I'm the one that is hurting Melissa, but I see the pain in Melissa's eyes and the things she's told me are horrific about her current situation.

Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to know if anyone has any suggestions on how to approach this. I want to make peace with Lisa and assure her that there's a place for her too. I know this move will happen, but not for a few more months. But, those doubts from Lisa are causing a lot of stress. I mentioned to Melissa what Lisa had told me onc time, and that did not go well. I was told telling her would do more harm to her than good.

Is that the right thing to do? Make peace with her alter Lisa? At least try? If so, how would anyone suggest I go about it?

Is there anything I should avoid? For example, telling my GF Melissa about my conversation with alter Lisa, went very badly. I don't want to go through that or put her through that again.

I don't want to say something that might be a trigger.

Any advise would be helpful. I love this woman very much.

To me -

[QUOTE=cutlife;1452038Then the alter said if she moves to be with me, the stress will kill my GF, and if that happened, she (the alter) would die too.[/QUOTE]

says things are moving way way tooooo fast. I cant tell you what to do but if this was my partner and I before I was integrated, and an alter came to her saying all that is in your post my partner out of love and caring for not only me but for the relationship and the health and wellbeing for herself too, would instantly sit down and talk to me and tell me flat out we are not going to move in together. one day we meet, break up 18 years go by and we find each other and in short time suddenly we are moving in together, hey we need to slow down for your sake and for the sake of your other parts and also for my mental and physical health. I don't want to move into a relationship where we start out living with someone who hates me. in accepting you I accept all your parts but before we live together you on all levels and parts have to decide on your/their own to accept me or long term this is not going to work out anyway. lets slow down here and take our time getting reacquainted. It doesn't matter how long we stay at dating level, If we are meant to move in together we will later on down the road when its right for everyone involved.

[silentwhisper]

thinking of you and hoping your time together is going well

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((cutlife))))

Thank you for posting. I hope that your GF will open up to seeing someone for the help that she needs. Those within have always been there to protect and to do for us what we could not do ourselves. Many times they have had to protect--to step in for us. They need to be heard and to be accepted for themselves.

It takes time to build that trust for so many of them and ourselves trust never existed. To be there for her is important and to respect others within is important too. Forcing the trust issue can do more damage and can retraumatize. Being in continued abused makes it so hard to move forward. The protectors are continuing to protect and react to what they know. Or that is the way it is for us.

I am sorry you are both going through this. Not sure what to tell you. I know that there are those within myself that push others away out of fear and their meanness is what kept us safe for so long. They are a part of her and an important part. Take your time and listen. I hope she will get the help that she needs. She deserves to be heard and to be supported.

Thank you for reaching out and I hope you will keep posting. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[Eriksplus]

Hello, I hope all is well for you.

In my experience, "alters" (I am one) need the people in their core's (Melissa in your case) lives to be accepting of them; after all we did help them in the long run, and we have feelings too!

(Webber)Erik

[Nupoet64]

It will take alot of time for Lias to accept. She needs hard proof....that it is not another lie and hurtful situation.