[darkpurplesecrets]

I hope this makes some sort of sense as our heart is very heavy today and it is all we can do to reach out right now. It is not easy to write for we never know who is reading this from our own real life that is still haunting us. But it is a chance we take with every post we make. We write in purple trying to find safety within yet reach without.

As I sit here this morning words seem to retract and my thoughts seem to back away almost in a fear to be heard. I fight inside to allow anything to be written and maybe with good intentions as they are afraid. The words we write are here for a way out and they are our words. They come from deep within, from somewhere that I am not even sure of. Every word that comes is sometimes a fight to put out here for in putting them out here we become vulnerable, as we have never shared these feelings with anyone.

We have never taken any kind of a writing class so we are not writing except from a raw place that still hides behind the darkest crevices within. Our threads are not meant to sound great or to impress anyone for they come at a price that within is great as our fear is real and allowing anyone to see our heart on black and white is anything but easy.

Sometimes when we write we post it without reading it for we know that it is all we can do to push that send button, especially when that delete button seems to loom huge in the background almost screaming to push me. And many times it almost seems it could push itself.

Sometimes when I write or another writes we go over and over it making sure we have not said something we shouldn’t or maybe something we should but are terrified to put out there. Our words are all we have and all that were not taken from us. Even though we have said that over and over again it is true.

They in a way taught us to write, for we used to write out of punishment in utter quiet for we were not allowed to say anything but write what we were told to write. So the quiet seemed to be the only safe place for at least awhile. So now in quiet we write many times for hours trying to find a way out of this silence that holds us.

When we write it many times takes hours and hours to put down our feelings. Each word we sometimes wonder if someone can hear our very thoughts that many times swirl within. The thought that they are within myself so far that I am unsure of where they end and I begin is real.

Knowing that the very ones who were supposed to love you and care and who you would turn to because there was no one else to turn to even in abuse, become part of you and almost as you in a way. They feel all en-messed within you and you wonder if you are of yourself or do they know your every thought and every move.
Maybe that seems crazy to others and does not make any sense but when that is all you have known it screams at a volume you cannot turn down or even turn away from. Yes, they say a lot of things that you asked over and over if they are real or true, or are they just lies----of which many we are figuring out for the first time.

And it is terrifying to learn this almost as terrifying as what you are not sure of yet. For when you have lived your life believing that what they said was true and you have always found ways to be safe by those threats then to figure out the lies it leaves you an open target as you try hard to find someplace to hide until you can figure out “what now”?

For so long we were told over and over that spiders and radio tower lights hear your very thoughts and words spoken and report back to them what you think or say. We are told that is not true. Does anyone have any idea what that does to someone who for forty some years believed it was true?

When you become silent when a spider seems to come out of nowhere, especially when you are talking about anything or writing your deepest thoughts in the silence of the night when no one is around. The many times you can be driving along thoughts and feelings in your head and a radio tower lights blink in the distance, your heart screams be quiet and your words seem to scatter to where nothing makes sense.

Knowing that to tell others it sounds crazy and you fear saying it because you do not want to sound crazy. To us it is what we learned and what was brainwashed into our being from a very early age, maybe earlier than we even remember. The other day my friend come over and brought us a can of Raid bug spray. It meant the world to us that someone would take what we feel and believe seriously enough to care enough to do that for us.

Whether that is the real reason or the fact that she had seen some spiders when she had been here before really does not matter. To have someone care enough to try to help us stop that very terror that fills us meant more than all the money or anything in the world.

Yesterday, sitting at my friends outside watching the ants and hornets up in the roof of the screen that covers the sitting area of her deck, wondering how the little ants crawl upon the canvas and do not fall as they crawl upside-down. There was a spider web in the corner and the hornet nest just above that.

They seemed to not bother each other and it was interesting to watch them working away or just seeming to run around the canvas. The little ants could fly and one of them flew into the spider web and out came a huge spider. My heart stopped and I no longer could find words to say anything, as we had been talking prior.

The very thought of the spider sitting there listening and as crazy as that may sound and knowing in my adult mind that it cannot be logic, the child inside me screamed so loud that it shut down talking and words disappeared. And a fear came over me one I cannot describe but that was so real to all within. My friend knew that the spider was there but she never told me to try to keep me safe from those thoughts and feelings that she knows are real.

We moved into the house at that point but my words never came back. I shut down and felt so afraid. Maybe this sounds crazy but it is real for us. And the fact that even though it is something we need to work to change our friend believed us and did not ridicule or think different because we fear something greatly. That someone believes us means so much.

Feelings right now are so deep and terrified to be heard. Thoughts to not post again hit hard and tears have fallen all last night and today. A silence has come over me and I feel so utterly alone not wanting to leave the four walls that surround myself. I sit here trying to write something that would make sense and tell someone where we are.

These words are not meant to be great or to sound great. The threads we write are not meant to sound great for it is hard and takes all we have to reach out. Many days the fight to open up is greater than the need to be quiet. To keep these words within tears us up and allows the roots of the lies and threats to grow deeper within but to uproot them and put them in black and white is work.

When we write many times it is to allow ourselves to see our own truths. Many times we can say something but to have to look at it is when we then have to face it and look at it and see it for what it is. We write this for ourselves so that someone will know we are here and that we really hurt.

Sometimes pulling a word from within hurts so much, many times making them come together seems a chore but always they come from within ourselves not from anywhere else. Maybe we do say too much and maybe we do avoid facing things but at times I think everyone avoids looking too closely at things that hurt or were threatened.

But right now we are not avoiding. No one sees us when we are alone and silent. When we write into the dark of night when the world is sleeping and no one even knows we exist. For it is there in the darkness outside our window that we feel the safest to allow the very thoughts and truths to surface little by little and put them down in black on white.

When sleep does not come for what seems like days at a time and sporadic at that. When the tears fall like sheets of rain and we cannot catch our very breath. When we cry out to those we trust with words that they may never hear. And many they never have to.

Those we talk to when they are not here that know so much more than they even know they know because it is here alone we can open up and tell but they never know. The fear to talk is great sometimes greater than anyone knows. To hide away within the walls of this place crying out words that no one hears in the silence of the night. We write to allow the feelings to somehow surface. Sometimes we post many times we hide them away safe or at least we think their safe.

What would others think if they knew what we hold so deep and close for fear of being heard or known? And does it really matter? It is our heart that is shattered and it is our hell no one else’s. We reach as we can with our words that come from within ourselves. And all we know is it is real and it hurts more than anyone knows. We can only write what we know or what we feel and we can only share as we can.

Tears right now are streaming down our face once again and we are afraid to post this. Maybe because this comes from a place that feels so vulnerable and maybe no one will understand what we are saying or trying to say. Maybe it does not matter but to us it does. We are trying to reach out the only way we know how and we are trying to look at things for the first time.

We are trying to face the memories that are anything but easy. This is not fun nor is it taken lightly. Each step we take is a major hurdle for us for we never thought anyone would hear us or believe us. Each time we reach is another time they do not stop us. And maybe each time we reach we begin to believe more in ourselves for the first time.

We never thought we would ever get to this place but then again neither did they. The things taking place within right now would not be taking place if we were not making progress somewhere and doing something we were never supposed to do.

Somehow we have to hang on to that knowing that with each step we take and each time within we are pulled away feeling we need to end, we must be doing something right or those thoughts and feelings would not be there. Some days we feel like we are drowning, some days we feel we are standing still, but everyday when the feelings come that turn upon myself I know I need to keep going.

All we have is our words to allow you into our internal world, but they are our words.

dps

[silentandscared]

((((((((((((((( Dps )))))))))))))))

My dearest dps......................WE HERE YOU and we here you loud and clear. The words the thoughts the gentle steps forward are as you say you moving forward, slowly forward , facing the pain and trauma locked away in silence. Its so so hard to keep taking the steps, reliving the times over and over in the belief and knowledge that to heal we need to do this so that eventually we will finally be free from the darkness that is locked within the silence.
Thank you so much for your words, your sharing, your writings because even though they are your words, thoughts and feelings, over and over again you are saying things that many cant or dont know how to. To be able to put your deepest darkest feelings onto paper is a skill you may not see it as one but my dear friend it so is. Many times for us over and over words wont come, we cant find them we dont know what we feel and then yes we read something that has been posted and realise that this describes it perfectly. Keep writing and keep reaching out.
We are here................ we sit with you at your side............. and we give to you the knowledge that we are there with you, understanding, listening and holding your words in our heart. You are not alone even in the deep of night because we are at your side my friend

Sas
hugs for all inside who may need one xx

[silentwhisper]

We are listening and feel so deeply for you. This may sound funny but our mom always told us that peanut butter is made from hair. Tho as an adult I know better, I cannot eat it. I am glad you are using such powerful words to express yourself here. Take care.

((((((((((((((((dps)))))))))))))) dealing with out own overwhelming devastation and rejection today hope youre doing better

[Gus1234U]

Dearest Beloved DPS~!!! Thank you sooooo Much for sharing all of that much of you~! It only makes you more lovable, more admirable, more respectable, and more human~! Your ability to describe that reality is just awesome~~ and you must be well on the way to healing, to be able to do what you just did,,, Thank you again, for letting me in, us in, into your inner world. i'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places, all the old familiar faces, all nite thru~~~~

~~~D.P.S~~~I am glad you have reached out.(((you are safe))).We turn to our abusers often though we are their victims....because this was what was required to survive.And at times; because in their presence, we regress.It is not 'crazy sounding'.It is a typical factor in the life of the abused.Once you have 'believed them ,you have suffered twice.Because you then feel that you cannot trust your own judgement.I am so sorry for your deep purple terror and scars,that ran so deep as to rob your freedom of thought too.I am pleased that you have this friend,and that you have the courage and the outlet of the written word.You matter,your feelings matter,your kindness to so many here matters,how far you have come matters,how you keep going matters,and little you matters....to so many here at p.c who may never see your face.But......does a blind child not love their mum just because they can't see her?You are growing,expanding,hurting,healing,helping,and.....you matter!....~WOolf~

[Lillyleaf]

Thank you for everything you do keep holding on!

[AtreyuFreak]

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

Sometimes when we write we post it without reading it for we know that it is all we can do to push that send button, especially when that delete button seems to loom huge in the background almost screaming to push me. And many times it almost seems it could push itself.

Sometimes when I write or another writes we go over and over it making sure we have not said something we shouldn’t or maybe something we should but are terrified to put out there. Our words are all we have and all that were not taken from us. Even though we have said that over and over again it is true.

I so identify with this. It almost feels impulsive at times; I'll go back and reread what I wrote and regret being so honest...It feels like if people see us for what we really are, they'll be repulsed (us meaning my system, not you lol).

Knowing that the very ones who were supposed to love you and care and who you would turn to because there was no one else to turn to even in abuse, become part of you and almost as you in a way. They feel all en-messed within you and you wonder if you are of yourself or do they know your every thought and every move.
Maybe that seems crazy to others and does not make any sense but when that is all you have known it screams at a volume you cannot turn down or even turn away from. Yes, they say a lot of things that you asked over and over if they are real or true, or are they just lies----of which many we are figuring out for the first time.

I think a lot of people can identify with this. My own fear of having kids undoubtably stems from the belief that, like it or not, I carry a part of my mother with me, and I don't want to subject any child to that.

It meant the world to us that someone would take what we feel and believe seriously enough to care enough to do that for us...To have someone care enough to try to help us stop that very terror that fills us meant more than all the money or anything in the world.

Even if people don't understand what's going on in our heads or don't know why we act or feel a certain way, they can reach out in any way they know how. And to know that someone cares, even if they don't understand, means the world. It makes the hard parts of life seem bearable, so long as we get those little gestures once in a while to remind us that the good guys aren't all gone.

When we write many times it is to allow ourselves to see our own truths. Many times we can say something but to have to look at it is when we then have to face it and look at it and see it for what it is. We write this for ourselves so that someone will know we are here and that we really hurt.

This statement is SO amazingly wise...we sit in awe that despite how much hurt you're clearly dealing with, you're still able to reach out and help the little people like us (Tre's system). And I feel the same way. For the last year (minus this past week), when we had a horrible writers block, it felt like someone had cut out our tongue. Without writing, we couldn't express ourselves; couldn't make sense of our own thoughts; it was literally as if we'd lost our only real voice. And the worst part? If we can't write, then no one else can be helped or guided by our writing. That was always the most amazing thing to me; I'd write to sort out my own feelings, and other people would find my words inspiring, helpful.

What would others think if they knew what we hold so deep and close for fear of being heard or known? And does it really matter? It is our heart that is shattered and it is our hell no one else’s. We reach as we can with our words that come from within ourselves. And all we know is it is real and it hurts more than anyone knows. We can only write what we know or what we feel and we can only share as we can.

I've thought this exact thing so many times...That if the people that care about me were to know my darkest thoughts, they'd reject me, run screaming and never speak to me again. But that isn't my fault, nor is it yours. These feelings are here for a reason; we can't be faulted for having them. I think it's how we deal with them, how we overcome them that matters more. So many times I think I'm alone in my emotions; then I'll write, or read someone else's writing, and I'll discover I'm not nearly as alone as I think. Just like with this post.

Some days we feel like we are drowning, some days we feel we are standing still, but everyday when the feelings come that turn upon myself I know I need to keep going.

This statement reflects how infinitely wise you are. You are very strong, for even realizing this. You only win if you keep going. You're winning every day by doing what you are

Thank you for posting this. I know it's hard, but we are here, we know how you feel. Sending you lots of safe hugs.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((((DPS)))))))))))))))))))))) I so understand what you are writing. I was told my words would come through the wind and the animals. I know. And every time I say something that even skirts information, there is evidence that it's been heard by them. And so I shut up. Even as an adult.

I'm so glad you are able to reach out and speak regardless. You are safe here with us. We care about you. Keep writing.

[DancingAlone]

Originally posted by darkpurplesecrets:

Each step we take is a major hurdle for us for we never thought anyone would hear us or believe us. Each time we reach is another time they do not stop us. And maybe each time we reach we begin to believe more in ourselves for the first time.

Dear, wonderful dps, you have found the key to unlocking your heart and soul to the promise of a beautiful and safe tomorrow where you find truth for yourself and understanding from others. Everybody is here for you. I have already learned so much from your courage. You are amazing.

...maybe remember this little saying "it is better to send than to delete"

[Nupoet64]

((((((DPS)))))) My tears fall on your behalf....I am proud that you are making baby steps and sharing the deep inner thoughts of turmoil. The can of Raid was a wonderful gift...a perfect gift of validation and acceptance of your feelings!!

Please continue to share as you are able and know that we are here and listening/reading. I would sit quietly and listen or give safe hugs and kill ALL the spiders I could, if I were able. please know that your feelings are very important adn belived and there is much love and support here...

((((((((D.P.S..,Nupoet,Silent,Gush,Lilly,Atreyu,Wantoheal,Dancing...))))))))

[anderson]

(((( DPS )))) and ((((everyone))))
each time we come here and read that we are not alone it helps us overcome our for too long we have been isolated by our abusers being told that no matter what they know what we do even when no one is around us. But now we are not yet free but we are taken steps to take back our power.

To be a slave to a body and mind that was trained to keep us servents to the very people that on record was helping us but instead using that programing to hurt us and making us their servents. Please know that we do understand that we do read and are greatfull for those within you also taken the chance to break the code of silence that was installed into us from early childhood.

Just know that we are learning from all here. How to be free again and how to feel again. Be safe knowing that we are so greatfull for all those here that even with out knowing it at times help us fill in the missing peaces that lets us heal.

[Crew]

(((((((((((((dps))))))))))))))))

Please keep reaching deep within and pull those feelings out. What you can do in writing, we do in drawing.

we hope that you will continue to write for we know it helps you yet it helps a lot other people as well, how could you not write? Yet, always write for You first.

I wish you peace and a grounding feeling as you work like ever to get those binds that have held you down finally off. Imo

Well spoken as usual....Know we care and know were here for you dps.

Be well and SAFE, Crew

PS--Oh and when breathing isn't working close eyes and meditate on something extremely positive and focus until your in control...we did it today and it worked, we focused on dolphins...

(((dps)))
Your words seem to come from the depth of your injured soul. Never lose that. It can be a salvation. The beauty your words convey, brings peace to many. Your hurt is anothers gift.
We hear and understand the place from which you speak. We are always here for you. <3
C

(((((((((calista,crew,anderson)))))))....wow theres loving ppl here ...see DPS?...look.((((((( hugs)))))

[LostSavant]

We all have a right to think and we all have a right to be heard, and we all have a right to be treated with love and respect.........We were given a gifts of speech, of the ability to think, to love and to feel......We owe it to ourselves to be able to use these gifts freely, and no one has the right to take these things from us, or use them against us.......((((((((((((((DPS))))))))))))))

[lynn09]

(((((dps))))) The truths about your abusers and your true self are in your words, and “SEND” sets you free - “SEND” says, “I AM” and “I CHOOSE.” Use the “DELETE” key to erase your abusers' lies, NOT to silence your words and erase yourself.

Keep the can of Raid handy, but also use those spider-spies to deliver your declarations of freedom and autonomy to your abusers, and SHOUT those same declarations at the radio tower lights to rupture the eardrums of those who have convinced you that they are listening. The TRUTH is that your abusers possess NO power or authority over you whatsoever unless YOU give it to them – and your abusers had to force you to give them that power and authority over you because they knew those were not theirs by right. They abused you because THEY FEARED YOU in the first place; feared your innocence and potential; feared that you were better than them; feared you would become more than them. They infected you with their own fears; they programmed you to perceive yourself as being less than them, no better than them, to validate their self-delusions of superior worthiness to exist – to compensate for their own self-doubts and feelings of inferiority so they wouldn't be consumed by their own malignant fears. Their greatest FEAR is you knowing and embracing the truths about them and yourself; so, know those truths, dps – embrace them, be your true self and, by doing so, become your abusers' worst nightmare!

When confronting your memories, try to objectify them as much as possible - “Just the facts, Ma'am” - just the “what happened.” Your memories are valuable information resources, but they do NOT define your identity. Do not pass judgment on yourself; you are not personally responsible for anything that your abusers forced you to believe, say, write, witness, do, and/or refrain from because you were not free to choose for yourself. Even in the present, any time you unconsciously act/react according to the corrupted programming your abusers implanted in your subconscious (conditioning), you are not responsible because you are not freely choosing your behavior – your abusers carry the burden of guilt alone. Try not to waste your time and energy debating whether the things your abusers said about you were/are true or not; everything they have ever done and everything they have ever said to you and about you to others was intended to inflict pain and damage on you. Period. If they lied to you about anything then you can safely assume that they have lied about everything, so you have no reason to respect their opinions about anything. Your abusers were, are, and will be according to their own choices. You alone have the right, power, and authority to define your identity in the past, present, and future realities.

You know that I am not being cavalier about your situation or in what I'm saying to you and others, dps, since I am fighting the same battles and have plenty of my own “ghosts” to exorcise. The same psychological damage is inflicted on all victims of abuse (physical, sexual, verbal, and/or emotional) varying only in degree, but not in kind, because all abuse is intended to distort the victim's perception of reality – especially to adversely influence the victim's perception of their own identity in service to the abuser's self-interests. All bullies and tyrants are abusers, and all abusers are cowards hopelessly enslaved to their own fears and seeking only to control how others perceive reality – to forcibly impose their will on others by ANY means necessary (deception, manipulation, defamation, coercion, intimidation, destruction) and at ANY cost to anyone other than themselves to prove their self-worth – or so they delude themselves. The truth is that in trying to save themselves by abusing others, abusers victimize themselves – they are nothing more than smoke and mist – fear and self-doubt – wasted lives achieving only appearance rather than substance – white-washed tombs filled with dead men's bones – never truly alive, they are the walking dead. Even now, dps, in your pain, grief, trepidation, and vulnerability, you are more alive than your abusers can ever hope to be unless they get the help they so desperately need.

Tend your little garden of words well, dps; good soil and light to create the proper environment to maximize growth; treat it with weed killer to destroy the roots of your abusers' lies that try to choke the tender little shoots of your words, your vulnerable true self that is struggling to reach the light and life; destroy the lies so you can see/know the truth, and create the life you desire. Fertilize well with the love of your friends and caring support team, and water generously with your tears so your garden can be healthy and produce vividly-colored, fragrant blossoms to attract and delight those who draw near, the butterflies, bees, and hummingbirds who feed on the blossoms' nectar and spread their seeds throughout and beyond the garden walls.

Your Friend lynn09