[Nupoet64]

I had something happen today in T. She said it was "very diagnostic and therapeutic" but would not elaberate, "for now". She also told me I did a great job, but I did not feel like it was a great job. I felt like everyday, except this time I let someone see it. I did not cover it up or try to hide it.

My question is this....How was it when you all became aware of the alters adn began communicating? How did it happen? What was it like for you?

I am sitting confused. Any input would be greatly appreciated. TY.

[Eriksplus]

I was the first 'alter' here. I arrived in early '04, but it wasn't untill late '04 that I made myself known. Brittany (core) was a little frightened at first, but after I explained the situation she seemed a little better, and within a couple of months I became a father to her (something I am very honored to be ). Soon after my wife arrived, fallowed by a deseced pet, (Kay)Erik and his wife, (Yeston)Erik and his wife...then I lost count *laughs*

We think of ourselves as being a (mostly) happy family. Being the leader as it may, I will say that is a very stressful job that has its rewards.

I do hope this has helped some.

(Webber)Erik

[reg12]

Hello Nupoet,
Alters sometime communicate with suttle hints, but may also just cause a headache, stomach ache, backache, etc. That is the only way they may know to signal you. They can pass along feelings or dreams. Some may be a playmate that a person has. We are all individuals and so are they, so there is no certain way they communicate. At time they may even communicate with others first. Some can hear you but do not know how to "talk" to you. The host and an alter can learn to think to each other as well as share feelings.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Nupoet64

I had something happen today in T. She said it was "very diagnostic and therapeutic" but would not elaberate, "for now". She also told me I did a great job, but I did not feel like it was a great job. I felt like everyday, except this time I let someone see it. I did not cover it up or try to hide it.

My question is this....How was it when you all became aware of the alters adn began communicating? How did it happen? What was it like for you?

I am sitting confused. Any input would be greatly appreciated. TY.

I see you have over 500 posts but i havent read back on them, so pardon me if Im telling you something you already know and have tried.

communication with alters begins with recognizing you are hearing voices. being able to hear the voices is a sign of co consciousness with which ever alter you can hear. all my life on the rare occasions when I heard and could make out what the voices were saying I thought or talked back to them.

example -

I want froot loops, no I want corm pops, but I want froot loops, too bad Im having corm pops, your no fun.

look at the rainbow, yea its pretty, I dont see the gold, I dont neither.

why do we have to go to grandmas, cause grandma is sick, she sticks, hold your nose and breath thats what I do I dont want to go to grandmas me neither.

those I couldnt hear the voices of, I couldnt respond back to them of course. just like if my mom and dad were in another room talking, I couldnt hear them so I couldnt respond to them.

my therapy stuff was all things like grounding, and finding triggers so we didnt focus a lot on trying to get me to talk with my alters that I couldnt hear and didnt know they were there. we didnt worry about all that stuff. we just took things day by day one known problem that I was having at a time. and let the rest fall into place as things got better.

[Nupoet64]

We were dealing with my dad and the abuse. T told me to sit back and close my eyes and think of my dad and tell him all the things that I REALLY wanted to say.
I age regressed and was in a panic and could not speak...my mouth would not open except to cry adn tell her i couln't because his eyes would change.
Then I saw me standing on the right side os the "Little Girl" (she was in the chair)and Tiger Lady standing on the left. Tiger Lady was mad ( as always) and yelling at the little girl to "suck it up! Shut up! You are not supposed to let anyone see"
I told her to leave the little girl alone, she needed to do this, she needs to heal.
I did not tell T that I saw it, I told her there was "like an arguement inside me".
I have never seen Tiger Lady & Little Girl when I was awake. They would argue in my dreams. They would come out after I went to bed...I would be sleepwalking, but never when I was awake a concious of them being there.
It was a very hard session...my dad had PTSD and would have complete dissociation with homocidal rage adn his eyes would change...I KNEW when he was "The Monster" and not my Dad.
I am confused and terrified, I am trembling just writing this.
Thank you for the responses.

[reg12]

Hello Nupoet,

First of all, thanks for sharing. This is important in your healing process. If we keep these things inside, then they keep us locked in the past. It was a big step you took by allowing it to come out.

Your T may return you to what you were seeing again. Each time we go there, we may see something new, which allows us to better understand. You are dealing face to face with T, which can be a hard thing to do at times. You will share with your T when you feel like its the right time. Take care.

[AtreyuFreak]

Hmm, lets see...sense of time is a bit fuzzy, so forgive me if events aren't quite in order.

Okay, so like 3 years ago I was seeing an AODA (alcohol and other drug abuse) counselor. We were talking about these notes, dozens of them, that had been hidden in a dresser drawer, in like 5 different handwritings. She told me a story of a woman with MPD who had kidnapped herself. I didn't know what this meant, but I'm guessing my subconscious or someone inside did.

Somewhere around that time frame, after one of my "lost-time" episodes, I "awoke" to find that someone had written "Koda did this" on my arm, across my scars. I thought it was some kind of prank, until my friends told me how weird I'd been acting when "I" wrote it on my arm. They couldn't put their finger on it exactly; they thought I was messing around. Apparently I'd been talking and acting completely out of character.

Right after I saw the words on my arm, my teacher accused me of plagiarizing a paper (which REALLY ticks us off), I was aware of this...darkness, this rage, come over me, control me; like I was suddenly shoved in the backseat, watching a car thief drive (lame metaphor, I know). I could "hear" her thoughts, see what she saw (tho it was very...dark--I know now that it was tunnel vision)...it was freaky.

That was probably the first time I "knew" what we were, but I denied it as much as I could until like 6 months ago.

Sorry for the book!

[Nupoet64]

This only lasted for a few seconds, it was black, nothing in the "room" but I knew I was in my head. For the few seconds I was not in the chair and the little girl was there, I was defending her right to heal and feel and be.
Then I returned to the chair with her and could see through the eyes again. But i have only ever seen them in my dreams...for about 25 years now.
Talked to T at length today and told her everythign, including a dream I had last night that woke me in a panic. We discussed it and I feel alot better now.
I am healing as it comes and processing as I go. But there is a repeating thing in my dream that i have no idea what it means, but T said she does, but better for me to let it come as it will...when I am ready to see it.
One day at a time, I guess, lol.
She said that there were a few things that should make me feel better, less afraid.
1) on a scale of 0 - 100: 0 = normal without dissociation & 100 being full MPD, that I fall about 75.
2) Full MPD ALWAYS has an opposite sex alter. ( she said that is criteria for diagnosis) w/ lost time and out of character behaviour reported for lost time.

I do not fully fit these criteria, but close. She said now we watch and feel and heal and see what comes.
There have only ever been three, and they are all female and she said that I "compatmentalized" my ego....self...to survive the trauma. And that the concious awareness was a good thing. I sure hope she is right...
Thank you all for the support and info. It really does help. Thanks for caring.... And for sharing, I know it is not easy...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Nupoet64

2) Full MPD ALWAYS has an opposite sex alter. ( she said that is criteria for diagnosis) w/ lost time and out of character behaviour reported for lost time.

suggestion talk to your therapist again she might have mis understood something or you might have misunderstood something because there are a lot of people with full blown DID who do not have opposite sex alters. and there is no diagnostic criteria that says you have to have oposite sexed alters.

the following is the diagnostic criteria in the USA for having DID I found it on http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/did.htm

Diagnostic criteria for 300.14 Dissociative Identity Disorder
(cautionary statement)

A. The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self).

B. At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person's behavior.

C. Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

D. The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., blackouts or chaotic behavior during Alcohol Intoxication) or a general medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures). Note: In children, the symptoms are not attributable to imaginary playmates or other fantasy play.

Reprinted with permission from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision. Copyright 2000 American Psychiatric Association

[Eriksplus]

I was going to say what Amandalouise already said *laughs*, that people with DID don't have to have 'alters' of the oppistie sex. It's sort of like assuming all people with DID have to have younger 'alters' (ages seven or younger). Although commen, I'm sure there are systems out there (like ours ) who do not have anyone younger than 10. I suppose, sadly, everything has to be Steryo-typed.

(Webber)Erik

[pegasus]

Sorry but there will ALWAYS be young alters due to the nature of abuse that happens to people who are diagnosed with DID. The splitting happens as a child and much of the abuse will have occured before the age of five. FACT!

Also the information that all alters will have an alter of the opposite sex is rubbish. There MAY be alters of the opposite sex but it is not one of the criteria for DID.

[Nupoet64]

I will chk the link, ty. She may have just been trying to keep me from freaking out worse than I was, idk. I was pretty shaken, I have never been awake and aware of them before. I have always seen the in my dreams and had at one time ( shorlty after mom's death) been unable to use the word "I"...it always came out "we" and "us".
I know I have had lost time, but it is only for a few mins , never longer. Idk, it is all so confusing.
But I really do appreciate the info and comments, they really help...this is very new ground for me.
I think it scares me so badly because my mom had a thing for scarey movies when I was a kid. I was taken to see Jaws when I was very little. (We never went to walk in theaters) and I spent half the time in the bathroom. She loved the movies Carrie & Sybil. Sybil really scared me, I was quite young.
But hugs to all and all within...I am grateful.
I no very little about DID, except for the little I ahve delt with in my dreams and the dissociation I have been through.
Another reason I may be terrified of this is my Dad. He is someone that could kill and not remember....I have SEEN his eyes change when he disscociates. He terrifies me, even now. It is like a switch in his head goes adn my dad instantly becomes something else....the boggie man/the monster.( he is not my bio father, so there is no genetic componant). But it still scares me.
I guess to sum it up, I am afraid of becoming my parents.

[pegasus]

Hugs (((((((( Nupoet ))))))))

Sounds like you are making great progress in therapy.

[Nupoet64]

Ty Amanda, I did chk the link and of course that led me into a rabbit chasing online research, lol.
I have learned alot this morning.
Not sure where it goes from here, but there are three of me. I have alot to process this morning...ty all for the help.
Lol, I think there has been a change, lol, I feel no fear now..just accepting and a need to know more.

[Nupoet64]

Originally Posted by Nupoet64

Ty Amanda, I did chk the link and of course that led me into a rabbit chasing online research, lol.
I have learned alot this morning.
Not sure where it goes from here, but there are three of me. I have alot to process this morning...ty all for the help.
Lol, I think there has been a change, lol, I feel no fear now..just accepting and a need to know more.

I do have so many of the symptoms, maybe I need to disclose more with T. I am a professional, so "looking" normal is one of my strongest abilities and my biggest downfalls.

I had an awareness of this several years ago. I was working in the ER. We had a terrible wreck happen in the area and we had several people in truama rooms and some where children. Things were moving very quickly and everythign was chaos. One nurse looked at me and said something I will never forget. She said, "I wish I was more like you!" I froze, puzzled...asking what she meant. She said, "You are always so calm and collected, nothing makes gets to you." I had to laugh. I asked her if that was really what she saw and she said yes. I told her it was only a mask...that on the inside I was screaming and running in circles with my hands flaying in the air! Then she laughed and said, "Wow, really? That makes me feel so much better." Go figure, lol.....boggles my mind.

[Eriksplus]

[quote=pegasus;1473659]Sorry but there will ALWAYS be young alters due to the nature of abuse that happens to people who are diagnosed with DID. The splitting happens as a child and much of the abuse will have occured before the age of five. FACT!
quote]

I didn't say there weren't young ones, I just specified a certin age.
May I ask where you got the evedence for this, please?

(Webber)Erik

[Eriksplus]

Originally Posted by Nupoet64

I guess to sum it up, I am afraid of becoming my parents.

I think we all are, if our parents had a hand in the ab*se....I know I'll catch myself acting like my father, then I'll stop myself before it's too late; I'll sit/stand there thinking, "what on earth happened? Was I really going to do that?

(Webber)Erik

[Nupoet64]

Another thing came to mind looking at all of this. I ahve another question, forgive me, this is all so new to my conciousness.
Can the scared little girl completely change her attitude or feelings for a little while? Or was it a fourth? Let me explain...
I was in the truck with my husband, we were going to town for a part for his tractor. I was telling him about the progress I was making and I was talking about a new memory that had surfaced, ...I get panic attacks when I go to town, or stay away from home too long....I got to the statement about KNOWING to look at Dad's eyes when I was very young, to know if it was Dad or The Monster...then sudddenly I had a squeezing in my chest, like a giant hand stopping my heart for an instant then releasing and immediately I felt an explosion in my head, without pain, a bright white light and it did not matter if my eyes were open or closed and I could see things in the "real world" on the outside edges fo the light, but not in it. I was very dizzy adn had to lay the seat back and lean over on the door. When this all cleared I was calm, and mellow. I had the feeling of a child sitting on a river bank letting the cool water rush over their bare feet, I saw a tree and head birds and felt the singing of some, "lalala..la..lala..lala.." song, very childlike, but pleasant and calm. For the entire time at the store, my husband held my hand gettign me inside and I found a huge wooden rocking chair on display. I sat there and felt glee at the huge chair. I told him, "I will just sit here while you look around". He knew this was out of character for me, I love the store we were in, I love the horse tact, etc. I alsway roam around looking at everything. He would come by and ask if i was ok, I could see the worry in him eyes...But all I could say was, "I am fine, just tired" and I felt like I was being silenced. When the explosion happened, I distinctly heard the words, "SILENCE!! Not another word!" Then I felt like a hostage in my own body. I was aware of what was going on outside of me. But I was numb from the neck down. I could feel my face, but everthing else was dulled.
Was that the scared Little Girl that I am aware of, or maybe another one I have yet to see? I am puzzled. It did not have the feel of the little girl I know.
Just wondering. She felt a little older too...not as young as Little Girl. None of them will tell me theri names, I ahve asked in my dreams...I think/feel the little girl's name is Jeanie. But not certain.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Nupoet64

Another thing came to mind looking at all of this. I ahve another question, forgive me, this is all so new to my conciousness.
Can the scared little girl completely change her attitude or feelings for a little while? Or was it a fourth? Let me explain...
I was in the truck with my husband, we were going to town for a part for his tractor. I was telling him about the progress I was making and I was talking about a new memory that had surfaced, ...I get panic attacks when I go to town, or stay away from home too long....I got to the statement about KNOWING to look at Dad's eyes when I was very young, to know if it was Dad or The Monster...then sudddenly I had a squeezing in my chest, like a giant hand stopping my heart for an instant then releasing and immediately I felt an explosion in my head, without pain, a bright white light and it did not matter if my eyes were open or closed and I could see things in the "real world" on the outside edges fo the light, but not in it. I was very dizzy adn had to lay the seat back and lean over on the door. When this all cleared I was calm, and mellow. I had the feeling of a child sitting on a river bank letting the cool water rush over their bare feet, I saw a tree and head birds and felt the singing of some, "lalala..la..lala..lala.." song, very childlike, but pleasant and calm. For the entire time at the store, my husband held my hand gettign me inside and I found a huge wooden rocking chair on display. I sat there and felt glee at the huge chair. I told him, "I will just sit here while you look around". He knew this was out of character for me, I love the store we were in, I love the horse tact, etc. I alsway roam around looking at everything. He would come by and ask if i was ok, I could see the worry in him eyes...But all I could say was, "I am fine, just tired" and I felt like I was being silenced. When the explosion happened, I distinctly heard the words, "SILENCE!! Not another word!" Then I felt like a hostage in my own body. I was aware of what was going on outside of me. But I was numb from the neck down. I could feel my face, but everthing else was dulled.
Was that the scared Little Girl that I am aware of, or maybe another one I have yet to see? I am puzzled. It did not have the feel of the little girl I know.
Just wondering. She felt a little older too...not as young as Little Girl. None of them will tell me theri names, I ahve asked in my dreams...I think/feel the little girl's name is Jeanie. But not certain.

Ive never experienced "explosions" preceding switching into my alters. I have experienced the feeling of explosions, black and white lights but my doctor told me they were part of my having panic and anxiety attacks. in me what happened was during the panic/anxiety attacks I tend to hold my breath or breath very shallowly. this results in my brain being oxygen deprived which causes me to experience white and black spots. similar to those that people get with having migraine headaches. after I was put on antidepressants/anti anxiety meds the explosions of black and white spots stopped.

your main question can alters change their feelings, yes they can if their job is to take care of more than one emotion or situation. I had an alter that could both laugh and cry.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Sorry but there will ALWAYS be young alters due to the nature of abuse that happens to people who are diagnosed with DID. The splitting happens as a child and much of the abuse will have occured before the age of five. FACT!

Also the information that all alters will have an alter of the opposite sex is rubbish. There MAY be alters of the opposite sex but it is not one of the criteria for DID.

no there will not always be young alters. even though it is documented that splitting happens before the age of five some people have alters that grow up along with their biological age. I know a few DID people who have alters no younger than 13, others with alters no younger than 10, some no younger than 7.

each persons system of alters is what each person needed to survive. some people needed their alters to grow with them, some needed alters to remain young, others needed alters older than their biological ages,

[Nupoet64]

Learned of 2 more today. One is gone tho...I saw her evaporate like a puff of smoke in a breeze, last Thurs when I stood up to her and stop letting her bully the Little Gilr. She was not a very nice one, got us in alot of trouble. We are no longer scared of her and she left, I think. I no longer feel her.

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

no there will not always be young alters. even though it is documented that splitting happens before the age of five some people have alters that grow up along with their biological age. I know a few DID people who have alters no younger than 13, others with alters no younger than 10, some no younger than 7.

Wrong!

It's possible that the DID people you know are not aware of their younger alters.

There is plenty of information in this forum in the sticky threads if you doubt me.

For DID to come about the abuse has had to have happened at a very young age and to have continued through out childhood. We are talking about the most horrendous abuse possible for the child to have dissociated through out the abuse. If the abuse continues on the same level through out childhood the child will have more alters. It's a survival mechanism for the child.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Wrong!

It's possible that the DID people you know are not aware of their younger alters.

There is plenty of information in this forum in the sticky threads if you doubt me.

For DID to come about the abuse has had to have happened at a very young age and to have continued through out childhood. We are talking about the most horrendous abuse possible for the child to have dissociated through out the abuse. If the abuse continues on the same level through out childhood the child will have more alters. It's a survival mechanism for the child.

you are talking about sub alters (alters of alters) not everyone needs to split to the point of their alters splitting into alters. I know one person in my DID therapy group who has only 4 alters who were able to manage the abuse she underwent from the ages of 3-19, those alters had more than one job and they aged along with her. when she entered therapy she and her alters were 25. they still had times when they acted out childishly but their ages were 25.

there is a man in our group who only has 2 alters he was abused in a religious cult from the time he was 4 until he was 13. he was trained by the cult and his 2 alters were trained by the cult to handle what he was going through through systematic ritualistic ceremony's where the cult would trigger one or the other alter into being during the ceremonies. his two alters grew along with him and each alter had multiple jobs of which things they took care of.

just because someone goes through extreme abuse does not mean they keep on splitting time after time after time. they only split as many times as their own individual system needs in order to survive.

alters can be anything the person needs to survive. some people only need two alters some people need hundreds, and some people have sub alters and some people don't. some people have alters that age some people don't some people have a variety of different alters that each perform one job some people only have a couple or 3 alters that perform multiple jobs.

not every person with DID has the same type of internal system of alters and there is no set criteria of how a persons internal system of alters must be comprised of. even here on psych central no two persons internal system of alters is identical. some have only a couple alters some here have more, some here even have animalistic alters like wolves, bears, hawks, instead of child like alters because that is what they needed to survive.

no one has to have the same kind of alters that you have. if your system is made up of alters that are young and have never aged with you then thats what you needed in order to survive.

please dont judge other peoples systems of alters by how you are and what you believe. whether or not people have child alters, or animal alters, or what ever kind of alters they needed to survive it is not wrong and is perfectly acceptable the way they are. there are many counties, races and religions here not everyone is going to have the same kind of alters or same make up of internal system of alters as everyone else.

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

you are talking about sub alters (alters of alters) not everyone needs to split to the point of their alters splitting into alters. I know one person in my DID therapy group who has only 4 alters who were able to manage the abuse she underwent from the ages of 3-19, those alters had more than one job and they aged along with her. when she entered therapy she and her alters were 25. they still had times when they acted out childishly but their ages were 25.

there is a man in our group who only has 2 alters he was abused in a religious cult from the time he was 4 until he was 13. he was trained by the cult and his 2 alters were trained by the cult to handle what he was going through through systematic ritualistic ceremony's where the cult would trigger one or the other alter into being during the ceremonies. his two alters grew along with him and each alter had multiple jobs of which things they took care of.

just because someone goes through extreme abuse does not mean they keep on splitting time after time after time. they only split as many times as their own individual system needs in order to survive.

alters can be anything the person needs to survive. some people only need two alters some people need hundreds, and some people have sub alters and some people don't. some people have alters that age some people don't some people have a variety of different alters that each perform one job some people only have a couple or 3 alters that perform multiple jobs.

not every person with DID has the same type of internal system of alters and there is no set criteria of how a persons internal system of alters must be comprised of. even here on psych central no two persons internal system of alters is identical. some have only a couple alters some here have more, some here even have animalistic alters like wolves, bears, hawks, instead of child like alters because that is what they needed to survive.

no one has to have the same kind of alters that you have. if your system is made up of alters that are young and have never aged with you then thats what you needed in order to survive.

please dont judge other peoples systems of alters by how you are and what you believe. whether or not people have child alters, or animal alters, or what ever kind of alters they needed to survive it is not wrong and is perfectly acceptable the way they are. there are many counties, races and religions here not everyone is going to have the same kind of alters or same make up of internal system of alters as everyone else.

I did not say that everyone has to have the same system. I said everyone will have young alters and that is a fact due to the abuse that someone with DID is diagnosed with. I've been in this business for a real long time and when someone asks a question they need the correct answer.

[Nupoet64]

Sorry, did not mean to get anything heated, just trying to sort this out a bit. I have just recently become ware of them on a waking concious level. They have been in my dreams for years. I can now see whne they were out, during my life and who was doing what. I now understand the black out spells and the odd behaviours adn the out of character times for me. It is making some sense finally. I always thought I was just plain crazy.
I get some images when I think back....
IMPACT
explosion
shattered like glass
splinters (glass feel to it)
terror of falling
the impact point is on my head and begins to swell and hurt
head
a window with small panes in it
(the glass shattered, but so did we)