[kimmydawn]

come out of a really hard and dissociative time and as you're coming out, realize just how badly you were doing and didn't know it? i've done that many times and it scares me.

for instance, i'm just coming out of a BAD time. now that i'm coming around, when i look back it's shocking to see that didn't know it just HOW badly i was doing. i've done that many times before as well.

i've learned enough in t to know that i was pretty dissociated alot, and that i was feeling alot of pain, pulling away because of pain and fear, etc. but i had no clue just how badly i was doing. i think all resources are drawn inside to protect from further pain and hurt, but also to aid in getting me/us past this time. i used to call that "meltdowns". i used to go to bed for days to "restore" my depleted resources.

i am doing better now. i am "back". it was very hard and i know that i haven't been my usual self here and in my life, but it was taking all of our energies to maintain from one hour to the next.

can you relate?

kd

[allthegirls6]

Kimmy,

I know exactly what you are saying. Like you I have been switching to avoid something and only after the event can I see what was going on. Kast weekend was awful for me and i switched betwen the 5 of us and got into all sorts of bother. I cried, I followed compulsions, i wished I was dead, bla, bla, bla. We hid under the bed and.......... well i dont mean to but in on your thread.

But I fully know and understand what you are saying. Its not until afterwards that I am able to look back and appreciate how bad things were, and like you I take to bed for days to recover and my energy is all gone.

Audrey

((((((((((((((((((((((((((kimmydawn))))))))))))))))))))))))

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((audrey))))))))))))))))))))) thank you so much for relating. though, i'm sorry you can.

i don't feel so alone when ppl relate that i'm not the only one in the world this way.

thank you again. i'm glad you're doing better too!

kd

[__zh]

we think that is part of the dissociative protection.......the inability to fully grasp just how bad or separate things are until AFTER they're over.

we're glad to hear your meltdowns are not requiring days of bedrest to recover from.

it is quite the leap to go from realizing that one dissociates a lot to realizing when that dissociation is actually happening....and why.

relate all too well and wish we knew nothing of such things (personal feeling........nothing to do with any here)

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((zh))))))))))))))))

i SO understand your last sentences. i wish the same for us all.

thank you for sharing what you feel here. you opinion is always so appreciated.

thank for the kind words and relation.

kd

[prism]

just wanted to comment that I too feel good to know I'm not alone in these experiences. I think what blows my mind as well is that none of the "normal" people can even fathom what this whole ordeal is all about. I mean, they have noOOO idea what it means to truely not be in control of your own life. To not even kNow what's even going on- to not remember....not relate, even to yourself. I used to think it was like waking up in a foreign country everytday. Or multiple times a day. thanks for listening and sharing... prism.

[misty]

(((((((kimmy))))))))))))) yes, I can relate.
larks

no not really. when I dissociate I am mentally not here in the real world. what I am seeing and experiencing is a mental place I call la la land. for example the day my son was placed back into foster care to go through a residential treatment program I had no warning. the case worker showed up and said he's not coming home from school that afternoon and she needed his meds and some clothes. Mentally the moment she said he wasn't coming home the static in my head got louder, my vision faded and narrowed. I call this area my tunnel area. I stayed there long enough to pack my sons suitcase and give it to the caseworker without yelling, crying and so on. I watched her drive away and reached for the phone and called my counselors office - she had just gone in with someone so I asked the receptionist to have her call me back. But after a bit I knew if I didnt get to her office I would kill myself and succeed. My counselor and I had a strong trust and so on and I had promised I would never act without talking to her first. By this time I was more into the tunnel I could barely see and the static was still really loud but I could also hear my music inside my la la land getting louder as I floated towards it. So I called my counselors office and told them to tell my counselor I was on my way in. I have no memory of the real world of getting dressed, or walking to the nearest bus stop, or boarding the bus. Mentally I was curled up on a cloud wrapped in my sky collored comforter listening to my music songs by crystal gayle and lorretta lynn - until I gain control again, keeping power, the woman in me, ready for the times to get better and so on. I do vaguely remember getting off the 2nd bus at the stop across from my counselors office. my music was really loud and I could just barely make out the street, crossing the road, and entering the building and asking the receptionist if my counselor was still busy. It wasn't the dissociating that was a problem for me. The problem I had was it took alot of energy to pull myself back out to see my counselor. The next thing I remember is my therapist sitting next to me in the waiting room trying to get me to focus on her and what she was saying. again I wasn't afraid of what I had done while I wasn't physically aware. I was tired from pulling myself out of my clouds and music to focus on her asking me if I would talk to another counselor because she may not get to me for a bit. I remember looking for but I couldnt see the other counselor who was standing somewhere near us, I ended up telling my counselor no I can wait. I remember my counselor saying she knew I could wait for I had my la la land but it was a matter of if I should wait. I told her I will wait and went back to my clouds and music. I later found out from the minute I walked in the door the receptionist got on the phone and started calling my counselors clients trying to catch someone at home so she could reschedule that person and put me in their tiem slot with my therapist. I stayed there in the waiting room from 10:30-4:30 floating in my clouds and listening to my music. When I pulled myself back to reality again I was in my counselors office with her and she was trying to get me to focus on her and her voice and answer her questions. I spent the next 9 months mostly floating in my clouds and listening to my music. Whenever I did come back to reality, I wasn't afraid of what I had done while in my clouds and music. I found loads of evidence of grocery shopping food I don't usually buy, logging into and participating on a website I had never heard of, paintings, drawings, poetry, rooms in new arrangements from what I remembered, plans of the calendar I didn't remember making, being places I didn't remember why I was there, and so on but none of this ever scared me. for you see I have always been like this as far back as I can remember. All this stuff was normal to me. for me what was not normal was actively working to remain mentally aware at all times. For me it was scarey staying mentally aware when normal life situations happened - in this situation staying mentally aware and allow myself to feel all the feelings associated with my sons removal and not knowing if and when I would see him again and if and when he would ever come home to me. Even now it scares me more to remain aware and experience a wide range of emotions and feelings than it does my going into my la la land of clouds and music. The way I see it I dissociated before I recieved the diagnosis and Im alive and have been fully functioning in a wide variety of jobs such as - librarian, store clerk, secretary, janitorial assistant, college work study program, day care provider, guest speaker in schools prisons and community agencies, testified before the states governors task force, and so on there's no reason why I should be afraid of what happens on the rare occasions that I now am mentally unaware just because I now know my diagnosis. in fact now when I do dissociate and come back I consider it a change to find out more about myself by being on the lookout for those new drawings, poetry, food, clothes and so on. AS for resting for days after no I don't for when I come back since I did not mentally experience the stress, pain and so on while dissociated (mentally experiencing floating on my clouds and listening to music)I come back more rested than when I left.

[Zorah]

Oh, kimmydawn,

You have exactly described what is happening to us now !!!!!



We wish none of the rest of you had to know what that feels like!!!!!!

"We should be rolling down the skyway on our cosmic wheels,
Instead of stumbling down this highway on our boots of steel." Donovan.