I'm hating myself
really don't feel i am coping well
sure i keep up appearances at home and my family have no idea how bad i feel
they have no idea that every night i am scratching myself with a pin, or that increasingly i am wanting to do myself more serious damage. i need to hurt physically in order to distract myself from my mental pain.
i don't know who i am any more
i am scared because my t is away and because this absence feels like a preparation for stopping sessions with her
i hate not being able to see the next step, and at the moment it is out ofmy hands and i ahve to wait to see if i get an appointment for an assessment. then i have to wait to see if i get offered any kind of therapy.
i am struggling with the fact that i have been used by someone else. i am also struggling with the fact that someone i care deeply about hates me because i was used to hurt her. i am finding it really difficult knowing that there are people out there who hate me and i wonder if they are right to see me as an evil unkind person.
i am dreading going back to work on monday
and i hate myself for being so feeble right now.
c

[CedarS]

Can you try some of the wonderful ideas on the thread:

Things to Do Instead of Hurting Yourself

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((caroline)))))))))))))))

one thing that helps me when my therapist is not available is talking to that person on a cassette recording or journalling a letter to them.

((((((((caroline))))))))
if my mind wasn't so foggy, i'd be able to respond. but all i can say right now is you are much thought of.
w_i

Thank you Sarah. I have read the thread before and will turn to it again. I'm trying to make a bit more ditsance between me & this computer because I find I slip even further here. Maybe when I finish the quilts I am making I will post pics of them - the sewing helps a lot especially in the early evenings. But evenings are the worst.

Thank you kimmy dawn. Hugs are very helpful and much appreciated when I feel such a lousy worthless person as I do at the moment.
c

thank you w_i. I know you are having tough times at the moment too. Positive thoughts and hugs are much appreciated by this lousy excuse for a human being.
c

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((Caroline))))))))))))))))))

Caroline,

I join with the offering of safe and healing hugs.

Also, you wrote,
I find I slip even further here

I understand that. I used to look at it like slipping.

Now I look at it as healing. I come here and let out whatever parts and pieces of my past that I need to, so I can get on with the present.

Petunia

Thank you fuzzy.

I am so so scared right now. Don't know who I can turn to or who can stand it if i do turn to them. Losing it in inappropriate ways of coping.
C

I hear you.

I am so used to hidingmy true feelings that it scares me to let them out, I think.

Thank you for the hugs.
C

[Fuzzybear]

Sigh.... from what you and others in the UK have told me, and from my own experience, the UK National "Health" System thrives on people hiding their true feelings.
Then they can shove pills at us and we continue to stuff our feelings as the therapeutic support available is TOTALLY INADEQUATE!!!!!

Unless you are swimming in cash. I am currently saving up........................

I hear you...
c

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( C ))))))))))