What can I do? Ideas, Please?

I found out that I was pregnant with my second child in November 1999. My husband had a job, no job, has a job, no job, and so on. He is normally very stable in that situation. We also didn't have insurance with all the job changes. My husband was very stressed out at the time. I also was threatened to have a miscarriage early on, but got that fixed with hormone supplements. I became more stressed, too, because I could tell he wasn't happy about the baby (his initial reaction to the news was happy and big smile, though--that didn't last but a few minutes probably). I tried to tell myself that it was just because he was stressed from the job situation. He is always more sensitive when under stress. Fast forward to January when I was about three months along, we were not doing well together at all. He admitted (he doesn't remember any of this now) then that he wished the baby would die. He also said that people with disabilities (down's, etc) should never be born because "they couldn't possibly ever have any quality of life". I have never been able to forgive these statements by him. It has really affected my sexual interest in him. I still like him, but now I admit that I am probably afraid to have any sexual relations. I really don't care if I get any or not. And to tell the truth, it's a very rare thing these days. I know he wants it. But how do I overcome these feelings? By the way, he does love our two kids. He also blames me for getting pregnant in the first place with them both. I learned much much too late that he never even wanted kids to begin with. Sorry this is so long.

Ann

Ann,

It's no easy thing to repair or mend a situation like that, since what he has said is basically unforgiveable to you. Understandable. But he probably knows none of this, and so the first thing is that the two of you need to begin to learn to communicate more openly with one another.

If that doesn't work on your own -- because you're afraid of how he might react, because he won't listen, because he won't change, etc. -- then it would be appropriate to seek out a marriage counselor to help you two talk this through. You can't just let an issue of this importance continue to simmer and cause a permanent, unfixable rift in your relationship. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

If he doesn't want to go into counseling, that's a sign that he's not willing to work on the relationship with you and you should think very long and hard about what it means when your partner no longer wants to be your partner in every thing. Sometimes people say that because they are scared, or insecure, and are afraid that counseling will somehow show they are weak or not the person the other person thought they were marrying. Well, that may be, but eventually he's going to have to get over those fears and enter into a dialogue with you in a way that allows you both to be open and honest with one another and not feel like you're hurting one another's feelings.

None of this is easy, but if the marriage and relationship is worth saving, you should give it a try.

Good luck!
John

Thanks. He does know how much those statements bothered me. He doesn't see any problem in what he said. So, thus, (according to him), no problem. Our daughter's psychologist recommended that he and I come in together, but he won't do it. I've been compared to a single-parent by the her psychologist and many other people. And I really am. It took almost 10 months for my husband to take our baby out--and in the car even! But he came to where I work two miles from home because there was a special activity my daughter was attending. That was the first and probably last time for quite a while yet. I know sooner or later we'll get divorced. I'm actually surprised that we've lasted this long. He just doesn't see things my way. His way is always right. Thanks for your help.

Ann