Need ideas

I don't even know where to post - I could post in any number of the other forums probably, but this one is familiar to me, so I hope it's okay.

I feel SO PENT UP. I made myself go sit and be quiet for a while to see what the hell I'm feeling. I keep thinking that what I'm feeling is the years and years of screaming, and crying, and fighting back, and hitting, and running that I could never do. Is that even possible? That's it's all just IN THERE? I feel like nothing I can do will ever ever ever make me feel better. I just want to do something really really bad to make the feeling go away.

Does anyone else feel like this? What can I do to feel better? I really need help. I really do.

(I edited to add the trigger icon. I don't know what's triggering and what's not. I'm sorry)

I can relate to feelings of being pent up, but can't offer you any advice on how to deal with it.

So... (((earthmama))))

Maybe go do something physical (run, go to the gym, yoga, etc.)? Sometimes just getting outside your head, and being consumed with the physical rather than the mental, can be a nice break.

Hope you find something soothing to do.

earthmama, I spent years of childhood and many years of marriage not feeling hurt or pain or anger or sadness. I was really good at not feeling those things. Now, I am starting to feel the pain of all those years. A current event can recall past events and then the wall of pain will hit--all the feeling from yesteryear combined with a much more minor event today. I guess this is what they call transference, although in my case there's not necessarily a "person" onto whom I'm transferring. It's really, really hard. The feelings are to me sometimes intolerable. I wonder if that is because I don't know how to feel properly because I didn't do much of it when young? I am sorry I have no suggestions for how to deal with the pain. It just feels awful and I can understand why I hid from it for so long. I will read this thread with interest for suggestions.

Just thought of one possible suggestion. My T always tell me to go THROUGH the pain. Don't look for ways to avoid it or go around it, because then you are just putting it away again, and it will return one day to be felt.

(((earthmama)))),
Yes, I absolutely know how you feel. Just sitting and observing these emotions is a great idea - you can then describe them to T. I know they are intensely painful. If yours are like mine, they will pass. Like someone above suggested, go outside for a walk and do something like count the number of yellow flowers you see. It keeps your mind off of your feelings. Take Care

my T tells me when i feel this way to go for a walk and look as far away as i can. not to think of anything in general, just observe ur surroundings. it really helps in making the feeling go away. hope that helps. best of luck.

(((((((((((earthmama))))))))
like everyone else, i too know that place way too well (was there last night and wanted to break every dish in the kitchen). I don't know how to deal with it either.
Today i fet the saddness coming on and went out and cleaned the deck of all the dead plants and debris from the past 3 seasons.
Now i feel good that i accomplished something. But i got in there and cut that feeling off before it really took hold, you know?
Best to you =(
hugs!!

I really appreciate everyone's responses. It feels good to feel heard.

I feel even worse now than I did before, if that's possible. T's voice mail has disappeared from his office phone and it's sent me over the edge, which I was way too close to anyhow.

Earthmama, sometimes I feel that way too and the one thing that seems to help me is to flip through magazines and without thinking about it too much I rip (the act of ripping vs cutting for some reason is therapeutic for me) pictures/words out. Then I put the pieces together in a collage. It's amazing how a certain mood comes through in the collage even though I may not know exactly what I'm literally feeling. By creating I feel like I'm releasing it. I'm not much of an artist but it really helps. I did one yesterday and although it didn't make sense yesterday today it makes tons of sense. I'm planning on bringing it to my next T session. Just an idea...I hope you find peace soon.

I might try that. Thanks, Kessa. It would feel good to have something to DO.

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earthmama said: T's voice mail has disappeared from his office phone and it's sent me over the edge, which I was way too close to anyhow.

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Aw honey - you know, sometimes i think we are living the same lives... like some weird time warp or space/time continuum. My MD is out of town - I didn't know it until i called in with my weekly update - and not only is she not there, but (like you said) her voice mail is not there either. It is her assistant's voice. So i don't even get to HEAR her voice for 2 weeks. Sometimes i call it just to hear it because she, to me, is like my therapist. Even more than my therapist. I hated myself for it, but it put me over the edge. I though "how much more pathetic can i possibly be?!?!"
In other words - PM any time you want and we'll talk ourselves through this.
kiya

((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))))))))))))