what am I doing?

We are here...
we will help hold you up...

i dont feel worthy of help right now

but you are... everyone is

sigh...wish i could feel good about myself

Silentwhisper,

Sorry, to just blurt this out but dear one but who is talkin'? You are amazing for holding it all together so far. Who throws this doubt out on you? Let's give credit where credit is due.

The system is strong and until help comes we need to remind you that the girl is alive and yes, struggling but trying to find a way for help. Is there someone within who is better with money?

(((SilentWhisper)))

(((((((((((Silentwhisper))))))))))))) and many more, safe and warm.

I don't know...I don't let anyone else out now that we have no t or pdoc...except for dc who sneaks out on her own...but I must say I got a check in the mail today for some extra work I did. It was unexpected but covered my gambling last night and then some.

Wow, this is good news. A days work pays off again!

I know you mentioned you went out last night. I hate gambling so I guess I'm pretty lucky! Hey, I never thought of it that way before. I just never found it fun and I didn't like the dirt and machines and stuff. Did you mean the one who gambles is good with money. Sorry, I'm probably confusing issues here.

God Bless and Good Luck

((((((((((((( silentwhisper )))))))))))))

I used to hate it myself but a friend took me and I guess we now equate it with good times except that friend is long gone so idk...hmmmm

(((((((((((((silentwhisper))))))))))))))

I really do not want to go to work today. Don't feel like being around people.

Don't make me come over there!

You've felt like this many times before and got through. This is another that I encourage you to push through.

It's never easy not for any of us, we all push our way on each day, knowing that there are so many of us feeling the same and wanting to just sleep rather than face a world that fractured us in the first place.

We have all made huge mistakes with our kids; not enough discipline, too much discipline, too much freedom, not enough freedom.

It is how they turn out as adults that really matters, as people; how they treat others and if they show care and concern for others than just themselves.

There are so many things that contribute to the positive & the negative, don't blame your self entirely for anything. Dads have more impact than we realise,

Breathe and focus. And tell the principal you have your list, ask for a cheque and go shopping, you deserve a shopping spree.

I got observed yesterday from the area not from the school. I was on task and all but did not have all my lesson plans printed. I make so many changes I don't print them out ahead of time. I felt like such a screw up. She said nothing good or bad. It goes in her report tho so I am afraid I will hear about it. I hate making mistakes. ty for caring

I have to have a place to write. I am hurting and anxious and about to lose it inside and out. I just finished a nonviolent crisis intervention class tonight. I was told to pull my partners hair so she could practice the release move. I did...it did not work. So the trainer had me pull her hair and she could not get me to release either. She said I was thinking about it too much or else I would release when she did the maneuver. I told her I wasn't. She insisted I was. I told her I have ptsd and maybe that because I was so aware of potential trauma that is why it did not work. She said some kindergarteners will instinctively do what I did. Then when I did the grab I was told very few people grab with their thumbs down. I felt so inadequate. What comes so naturally to others does not to me. Can I help that? I cried and of course everyone was trying to reassure me. If they only knew. Maybe I should tell them. Tell them about the beatings and rape and torture and desensitization to pain or the threat of pain. I am crying. I am no good to anyone.

aaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

noone can hear my screams

[quote=silentwhisper;1546443]I have to have a place to write. I am hurting and anxious and about to lose it inside and out. I just finished a nonviolent crisis intervention class tonight. I was told to pull my partners hair so she could practice the release move. I did...it did not work. So the trainer had me pull her hair and she could not get me to release either. She said I was thinking about it too much or else I would release when she did the maneuver. I told her I wasn't. She insisted I was. I told her I have ptsd and maybe that because I was so aware of potential trauma that is why it did not work. She said some kindergarteners will instinctively do what I did. Then when I did the grab I was told very few people grab with their thumbs down. I felt so inadequate. What comes so naturally to others does not to me. Can I help that? I cried and of course everyone was trying to reassure me. If they only knew. Maybe I should tell them. Tell them about the beatings and rape and torture and desensitization to pain or the threat of pain. I am crying. I am no good to anyone.[/quote]
In so many ways and times I have dealt with this question for as a child we were not treated as children should have been treated. The simple fact that each time we are put into a situation that shows just how different we are just puts a spot light on our pain.
~
when we are dealing with the pain we find it so hard to seperate then look at the situation to find out how we can change, to heal from the abuse of the past.
~
Please know that even though we have not responed we have been reading your post you are not alone we are here just like those here that have responded to you.
~
sending safe thoughts and hugs from all of us to all of you>

Thanks, anderson for reading and even taken the time to reply. I almost dread going to work tomorrow. Like I said to the group I have ptsd but I did not say what from. If I told, well...I don't want pity just a glimpse of empathy and understanding. I wish sometimes I could just react normally.

Dear, do they have to know what from? As long as they know why you might have a difficult time now and then, then what else has happened is not their business until you decide it is.
You are not inadequate. You are alive. You are functioning. You are also trying to deal with what most people can't even dream of encountering in their lives, and all of this at once. Dear silent. It sunds like you think you owe them the whole story. You certainly do not owe them anything. An explanation is nice, but you do not owe them anything, certainly nothing you are not comfortable with.
Many safe and warm HHUUUUGGGGSSS.

i always feel i am needing to explain myself

I cannot take anymore...my legs are shaking so badly I had to sit...have to try and clean before church starts...noone respects me or my stuff...they are playing while I work but the hassle of listening to their excuses makes the alternatives even worse

Have a sit. Church will come and go, but if you need to rest, rest. You don't need to explain yourself, dear. You don't need to apologize if noone was hurt. Your things are your things, your life is your life, and you don''t have to let other people mess with it if you don't think they should. Only when and if you think it's OK. Just like you don't have to listen to anyone's excuses. Just sit now. You are good enough just as you are, dear, just breathing now. I think it's wonderful that you are here, and writing, and alive, even though you don't feel so well right now. I hope it does get better. HUGGGGGSSSSSSSS.

whatever I am doing, it is not enough. One son brought home 1 F and my daughter brought home 2 Fs plus 2 Ns and 1U for conduct...like what I hold important is not carrying over. And really why should anyone listen to me: I am just a sub, not good enough to be a real teacher anymore. I suck bigtime!!!!!! I'll fix it.

The way they treat you silent is just awful and the reflection is not on you but on your husband who does not lift his head unless it is to insult you in some way.

The children will mirror his treatment of you that is basic psychology. I really hope that they understand their mistake before they grow into full blown replicas of him.

Sending you a hug and hoping that your incredible strength sees you through

I needed that encouragement. Thanks so very much.