[krazy_phoenix]

My T that visits me at home has been off sick for two months now (poor thing is very ill, I hope she is better soon), so I haven't been able to discuss stuff for a while now and its building up inside. I haven't journalled for a fortnight because, I dunno, because I can't/won't/blocked/whinging. Had a bit going on for the past couple of months. My other T concentrates on more nuts and bolts stuff like DBT work which I'm trying hard with. But I'm finding it harder to let words pass my lips about things I need to say. I feel the words in my throat, and then my stomach is there too and I feel like I'm going to throw up. So I say nothing, and keep my lunch. I'm feeling like such a fake at the mo. Mask on. Thicker than usual. Even hiding from myself?? Don't know who it is out front most these days...but not unfamiliar. Have co-con but no co-communication. I can see and hear but not communicate, impenetrable glass wall up. Spend a lot of time lately in my inside room behind my eyes kicking my shins, wanting mouth to stop verbal diarrhoea niceties, stop smiling/laughing, stop agreeing and organising stuff I want no part of. Feeling nauseous just writing, but still not saying anything!!! Going to bed. Hopefully will sleep. What I would give for a little sleepytime helper. Choosing our daughter instead, still breastfeeding. Its for such a short time, a dot in time, in the end. Meds can wait, haven't had any for years and years now and they didn't work back then anyway. Just would be nice to sleep nightmare free for one night, just drop off and wake up rested, lay my head on my pillow and feel safe, feel safe - just for one night. That would be nice.

[Bmee2]

Good morning sleepy phoenix,
i have such a problem too...smiling and hiding and faking. Also feeling like a volatile crap cannot spell the word i mean....i feel like i am going to burst....alas i am searching for a t. so ....i just wanted you to know i am thinking of you and wishing you dreamless sleep for at least four hours...eight would be even better.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way Phoenix! I wish I had some advice to give you, how to stop the dreams and how to handle the things that are weighing you down so drastically. You are a very strong woman for enduring so much pain to keep your daughter healthy and safe. It's a hard thing to do and takes a very strong person to endure all of this without any meds. You are one of a kind and you will crawl out of this a little beaten and battered but in the end a much stronger and much more powerful woman and mother than you ever could have imagined. I applaud your courage and your love for your daughter and only wish others would love their children as much as it appears you love yours.

Again I wish I had many kind words and deep life changing advice. I guess if I had those I wouldn't be here. I am so sorry you are in pain and I will keep you in my thoughts.

Gentle hugs if ok!

[krazy_phoenix]

Thank you so much for your replies ((((((((((Bmee2))))))))) and ((((((((((purpleflyingmonkeys)))))))))). I know you are both struggling in the moment too, and am grateful for the support you have shared.

I can't tell you how much I needed to hear your words PFM. I cried when I read them, and felt awed that my friends here at PC know me better than my irl family. I am currently struggling with decisions my irl family have made that go against every fibre of my being, every cell in body rejects what they want me to accept. And I reject their decision because, and for, my children. I have learned steeply about 'easy' decisions and 'right' decisions. My family believe I am making a 'hard' decision, when I believe it is simply the 'right' one. Protection of my children, their safety and well being, comes before all else. They didn't ask to be here, and I will never blindly allow a situation to occur which would make them not want to be here. Like what was done to me. My family, through their 'easy' decision, are permitting the potential grooming of a second generation of pain. I have to tell my family goodbye. For my children.

Such betrayal of late. First husband, then mother and sister. No one left to hurt me so deeply now. I guess that is looking on bright side. No one will be so close to me again. Ever.

Thank you my friends.

[disguise123]

oh phoniex, heart goes out to u. You are being amazing and strong. I know how hard it is to communicate. and its good that you are expressing some of it here. You need to know you are being heard, dont keep it all in too long. But hearing your current situation , its obviously a hard time to find the right people to talk to, could your nuts and bolts T refer u to someone while your normal T is unwell?
If u want someone to help you that way?
Your doing the very best for your children, dont forget it.

[hobbittmom]

Originally Posted by krazy_phoenix

My T that visits me at home has been off sick for two months now (poor thing is very ill, I hope she is better soon), so I haven't been able to discuss stuff for a while now and its building up inside. I haven't journalled for a fortnight because, I dunno, because I can't/won't/blocked/whinging. Had a bit going on for the past couple of months. My other T concentrates on more nuts and bolts stuff like DBT work which I'm trying hard with. But I'm finding it harder to let words pass my lips about things I need to say. I feel the words in my throat, and then my stomach is there too and I feel like I'm going to throw up. So I say nothing, and keep my lunch. I'm feeling like such a fake at the mo. Mask on. Thicker than usual. Even hiding from myself?? Don't know who it is out front most these days...but not unfamiliar. Have co-con but no co-communication. I can see and hear but not communicate, impenetrable glass wall up. Spend a lot of time lately in my inside room behind my eyes kicking my shins, wanting mouth to stop verbal diarrhoea niceties, stop smiling/laughing, stop agreeing and organising stuff I want no part of. Feeling nauseous just writing, but still not saying anything!!! Going to bed. Hopefully will sleep. What I would give for a little sleepytime helper. Choosing our daughter instead, still breastfeeding. Its for such a short time, a dot in time, in the end. Meds can wait, haven't had any for years and years now and they didn't work back then anyway. Just would be nice to sleep nightmare free for one night, just drop off and wake up rested, lay my head on my pillow and feel safe, feel safe - just for one night. That would be nice.

Dear Phoenix, I'm a phoenix too and I can relate. I have an alter that keeps me up at night and won't let me write. Congratulations on your daughter and good luck. I know you're having a tough time right now and you need sleep. Get cat naps when you're daughter sleeps. That might help. I sleep when I need to and like to stay up at night. I'm autistic and can go a long time without sleep. It doesn't bother me. I hope you get some rest, ready to be with your daughter. I'm glad you have and keep thinking of her. I'm thinking of you and wish you well.
Love,
Hobbittmom