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Old Nov 10, 2010, 01:27 AM
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DancingAlone DancingAlone is offline
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so many thoughts racing through this mind tonight. very very difficult to stay focused on the “now”. memories flood back and fear takes hold as the memories try to revisit the agony that was inflicted. the excruciating pain that never ends. the battle is with family now. evil cruel people who's only desire is to inflict pain. but it is mixed crazy with the other memories, and the fear is ten-fold tonight.

to defend, also thoughts of cleaning a gun, but only a scary fleeting thought, we are incapable of what was easy for the other that started the hurt. out of great fear to defend at all costs what has been preserved, the little bit of life that has been allowed to remain to try and find a semblance of peace within the memories. we are taught this is wrong, that it is more blessed to forgive. but we cannot forgive. they took something precious and even though we know we cannot have it back ever, we want for them to suffer what we suffered at their hands. but this is wrong. justice must come from a higher hand.

why do the memories still cling like sweat on skin boiled in the summer heat and continues to form, never wiped away completely. will it ever not exist, this place it has become so entrenched in in this brain? will the memories ever go away?

it is said that to face it to turn and stare the monster in the face, to beg God for the courage, to beg God for the strength. to tell the monster it has no power here. but it does. ohh it does.

giving up is not an option. i feel the pain but i feel the glory. i will not ever let it win. they won’t take that away. not ever again.

i am a coward through and through tonight. i am allowing my dear sis to fight this old battle for me that i lost so many times over the years and finally hid away, or so i thought. but i took the pain from this other hurt and put it inside along with the other pains. it has been hidden deep away. another held it but now it is in my face. last night *I* went “away” again. happening more and more now. but in a strange way am glad there is this option. an escape within from the hurt where I can be safe and protected and watched over and sanity is preserved, tested, but staying strong.

the “others” aren’t whole entities but pieces, or are they so hidden i cannot see them? yet they take hold and allow the numbness to blur the memories. always the memories. they are closer now than ever before. i feel them lapping at my feet, crawling up my legs. i scream as they advance. then blessed “sleep” returns to take me away.

but the tears, oh the tears. where do so many tears come from? therapist said today: “you have hidden inside for so long, staying numb to stay strong. now you are allowing the feelings, the emotions to be felt. facing the pain will be hard. maybe harder than anything you have ever done. but being whole again is on the other side. don’t ever give up.”

am so tired. am so weary. this new/old battle about family is consuming me, threatening to destroy again the wall that i built. cruel evil family. never told, never shared. now sis knows and is facing them to stop them. am so scared. but it’s time. *i* know that now. it is time. once the feelings started, it was assured that obstacles would appear and they have.

am waiting to hear. a meeting has been set. she is so strong. she has God with her and my spirit as much as can be allowed.

reaching towards the light, sis and i will hold hands and be strong. the evil will not win this time. not ever ever again.


Last edited by DancingAlone; Nov 10, 2010 at 01:53 AM. Reason: wording
Thanks for this!
darkpurplesecrets

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  #2  
Old Nov 10, 2010, 02:20 AM
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Hunny Hunny is offline
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Dancing

You are not alone in these things. Take strength in knowing you have others here who have been there and understand and say going through is hard and necessary and it will pass, who know of the weariness and fear. Hoping for continued strength for you Dancing and for you keeping the light. Thanking your therapist for being so comforting with words of wisdom and hope. Whatever is happening with your sister we are grateful you have a hand to hold.


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“Science without religion is lame.
Religion without science is blind.”
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Thanks for this!
DancingAlone
  #3  
Old Nov 10, 2010, 09:54 AM
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darkpurplesecrets darkpurplesecrets is offline
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Location: within another world not seen. built and silenced behind a wall of fear based strength......
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((((DancingAlone))))

Thank you for posting. I know that it was hard to write and post, and that you are feeling so many things right now. But know that you are not alone even though I know it feels alone. You are where you need to be right now and even though it is feeling so painful and hard you will make it. You survived when it happened and you will survive the memories.

I understand the very things you are talking about and how the memories engulf you and feel as though you are right back there once again. But it will let up with time and as you face this. Hold onto what you know that the memories cannot kill you for you already have gone through it. I know that is hard hon, I do get that for when we walk through those very memories and feelings that we once blocked out it seems anything but like memories. Almost as if it is happening once again but it is not.

As far as forgiveness, the forgiveness you give is to release yourself. What happened is unforgiveable but to forgive is to allow yourself to release it's hold on you. So many times we hold things so close that it ends up retraumatizing us and we punish ourselves for what was never own fault and what belongs on them. Forgiveness is allowing yourself the freedom from blaming yourself and freeing you not those that are responsible. (I know this is hard as I am trying to find this within myself).

Each time you face something you take back your power and a piece of yourself that they stole that never was theirs to take in the first place. They have already lost as you are standing and facing those things that hold you. Releasing yourself from their hold and allowing yourself to feel for the first time what is yours to feel. As hard as it is it will release you from that hold. You deserve to heal and to feel free from those things. It was never your fault.

I hear the fear you are talking about and I can say that in many ways I do get that fear. That underlying fear that drapes everything and holds us hostage. Facing that fear releases its hold. I do know that it is hard and it feels as though it will last forever but as you face it, it loses its power little by little. Each time you look it in the face as hard as it is it loses a little more of its grip that seems at times to choke and devour you.

I hope this makes some kind of sense for I know what I am trying to say but sometimes my words seem to be afar off away from myself right now. What you said makes sense and maybe because I can relate and connect to so much of what you said right now it feels so close. Sometimes knowing what to do and doing it is so hard but I believe in you and know that even as hard as it is you will be okay.

Keep reaching hon and posting as you can. You are doing a great job. I know it is hard and I know it takes so much out of you. Try to allow yourself breaks and give yourself extra care as you are going through this. Remember to breath and know that you are not alone and are so cared for and loved. We are listening and hearing you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps
Thanks for this!
DancingAlone
  #4  
Old Nov 11, 2010, 08:15 PM
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DancingAlone DancingAlone is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2009
Posts: 583
thank you both for your support. it means more than i can say.

for better or for worse, my wonderful sis has sent emails in an effort to hold accountable past hurts with family. she is so brave. i am synical as i know these people too well and don't expect them to ever change. but maybe i will finally have a legal closure at best, a written guarantee they will forever leave me alone is what she is asking, as i found out they spent over $5,000 in their cruel attempts to destroy me. i have pages of certified letters filled with venom, greed, oh it hurts. but in the end it was all for nothing. they couldn't do a thing. the lawyer i hired charged me $zero, told them they had no case and said if i ever needed his help again to call.

but the flashbacks this caused from them and mixed with the past others did me great damage, which miraculously has led to great joy.

i made it thru this awful awful week thanks to friends and sis. ohh, i love all of you! am getting ready to sleep. tomorrow am going to the casino and HAVE FUN! (they sent me $95 free money 'cause i only go once-twice a year and it builds up, and i have a free room too).

and the most important thing. i had an alter appear early wednesday morning. her name is Bonnie and she is a "no nonsense" type of woman. no smiles, no heavy emotions, a firm countenance, just gently "it's time to sleep now." she covered me with my grounding blanket as i lay weak, lifeless and crying. it was like i fell into a coma and she was distant but there and i clung to her "image"? like a wounded animal, desperate. she used my hands to write sis a very short note "P---- is asleep now. She will be alright. We will take care of her." i watched her write it, but i couldn't hardly lift my hands "myself", how did she? wow wow wow.

when i woke up i felt "free" somehow and like coming out of a dream into the light.

(this is to my savior here at PC) to darkpurplesecrets, my wonderful wonderful friend and mentor, you have allowed me to see this person because i am not hiding much anymore. your groups are allowing those within to "be". i heard them talking too before i drifted off to sleep yesterday. weak and broken, i finally "allowed" them to help me.

i knew. i knew. but my damned stubborn hypervigilance stopped them. stopped ME from seeing them and knowing i am protected!!!!! but the pain was so intense and i think was why i let her "take over". just couldn't do it myself anymore. pdoc knows i was deathly afraid of "letting go" inside, afraid *I* would never come back. but it didn't happen that way! i didn't know.

i know this rare sense of peace won't last, and i will be hearing too soon answers to my dear brave sis from her communication with evil family. but for now i will smile while i can.

it is supposed to be a beautiful day friday here in the southeast. i plan on enjoying the getting away "for real, in my car" lol and having a bit of fun.

...and now, laundry, packing, good things!


Last edited by DancingAlone; Nov 11, 2010 at 08:39 PM. Reason: wording
Thanks for this!
darkpurplesecrets
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