[kimmydawn]

Alot of you know some of the much that I've been through with the mother. I've completely limited any discussion/interaction we have to being about the little man. T and I feel the continuing contact was retraumatizing to parts of me.

She's not helping out much with the little man right now. She's been angry with me because I haven't been "all" to her since getting him and beginning to do what I need to do for myself. She'd only gotten him once in two weeks. She refused to get him again last Friday. I explained to her that if there was any way that she could, I really needed the break. She was livid that I could say that to her, instead of great concern as to why she wasn't getting him.

Well, I called the baby's parents (which made her extremely angry). He's been going over there and staying the night for a few weeks now and doing wonderfully! He's a much more complete little man. In fact, he cries because he don't want to leave! Anyhow, they came and got him for not just an overnight, but for three days! We kept in close contact and they just couldn't have done better. I was so proud of them!

She needs to control. She thought she was "showing me something" by not getting him. She wanted things to be hard for me. When I figured out a solution, and it was better than anything she could offer, then it went so perfectly, she went over the edge.

The mother was livid. I refused to feel bad for taking care of myself. She called me out of the blue on Tuesday, and simply nuked me. She pulled out all of the stops, including lumping me with the main abuser and telling me how wrong that I was for caring when the father died. She actually said that. I should NOT have cared. She brought up so many ugly things for me that it's been hard.

How easy it was to compare, then lump, me with the abuser. It's still so amazing to me that she totally neglected my pain then too? She literally said I shouldn't have cared when my father died, and asked me how I could, then told me that I shouldn't have. That was wrong of me. She said I didn't have a father. She said that also three weeks after his death...that's when I began our second "no contact".

It wouldn't have been nearly as damaging, because I've set up some pretty good, strong boundaries, but during those three days I did alot of work and alot of me was up front and very vulnerable. She caused damage inside.

I'd set up so many protective barriers and boundaries but she still did it. This happened Tuesday afternoon and all of me is still dealing with it. It's caused some active PTSD too... When she finally made me angry and emotional, she literally said, "Ah, there's that anger..." It was the only time her voice had any tone to it during the entire conversation...a satisfied lilt.

Wild. Just wild.

KD

[wi_fighter]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
She needs to control. She thought she was "showing me something"....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Argh! What is it with people like that, that always think they're doing things for everyone's own good? "I was just trying to prove a point" seems to be a common thing for the controller that my kids have to deal with.

KD, repeat after me "supreme ultimate being"

[allthegirls6]

Im sad that all this has happened and you are left feeling upset and angry.

At the end of the day it seems like you are standing firm and also making sure the little man is OK.

I hope things get better

atg

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((wi)))))))))))))))))))))

DANG, I NEEDED THAT! I'm still smiling! You know, she's always had her "beliefs" as well. T and I were talking about that, and about how good she is...dang. It feels like I can't build up enough protection from her.

I do kinda do the "supreme being" thing with her as well. It's more like, "all-knowing prima donna(sp?)" hehe.

thank you so much.

kd

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((girls))))))))))))))))))))

thank you. i needed to hear that, because you're right...at the end of the day i can lay my head down knowing that i'm doing the best i can and it's pretty dang good, even if i do need help sometimes. that's ok! i wonder why i've always had trouble asking for it? not!

thank you again,

kd

(((((Kimmy)))))
Just here listening and sending our support.
w_i and all.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((w_i and all))))))))))))))))

thank you. that means alot. there was no way of predicting this or acting differenty. it just happened. now the work on healing has started. support means so much through that.

kd

[CedarS]

Oh mama. I so hear you and I so feel for you.

My mother was my main abuser and I've even had to stop all contact with her for quite awhile now.

So glad that you are able to hear what your own mother is doing, that you trust your instincts and senses. I know it can be hell, to be aware of the damage done. Yet that awareness also gives us tools to freedom.

That satisfied lilt in her voice.........I know exactly what you are talking about.

I honor and respect you for choosing your own rights and existence. For choosing self determination and awareness.

Sarah

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((sarah)))))))))))))))))) thank you so much. for over a year now, i've been working the no contact. we had/have to speak because of this little man that i'm raising. it keeps it pretty hopeless to avoid the "nuking". However, i've greatly reduced contact and not spoken for long periods. that was her main complaint..."you don't even speak to me, and haven't for years, usless it's about the baby". well, ok, you're right. i've gone months at a time and had a complete break until we had to work together for this little life. in that sense, i feel kinda stuck. it's another reason that i'm extremely excited to see his mama and daddy stepping back up to the plate a bit now that he's older and they're in a better place. i'm hoping to sever (again) all contact with her.

I'm so sorry that you relate so well. it can be so hard. i keep saying that i'm past it and she doesn't have the power to hurt me anymore...i've come so far there. however, i was very open after doing three days of "inside work". i was in a light, happy, trusting place. i think somehow she sensed that, and resented it.

i'm so sorry to read about your mother. i'm thankful, and sorry for, the kinship there.

kd

[Overcastbutclearing]

KimmyDawn,
I just wanted to let you know that I care about you.
((KD))
Sorry you are having some overbearing triggers @ the moment.

Keep safe!

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((Suz)))))))))))))))))))))

That means so much to me that you can reach out of your own hell on earth to say kind words to me.

I've come to appreciate you so much as a person, and a survivor.

KD

[kimmydawn]

OK. I just talked to little man's daddy. I told him that I was having no further contact with the mother. I explained that they're more involved now, and they can figure out when she wants to see him and for how long. They can take him over there after an all night with mama and daddy and hubby will pick him up.

She's backed way away from the baby anyhow, so the reason I made myself keep contact (not to allow this little man hurt) really isn't an issue for me anymore...nor my responsibility. Everyone else that claims to love this baby so much can take on the responsibility necessary or he'll be just fine here. I'm not making sure that everyone is all they can be for him anymore. It's taking a bit of me away from him every day.

RELIEF.

[CedarS]

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kimmydawn said:
i keep saying that i'm past it and she doesn't have the power to hurt me anymore...i've come so far there. however, i was very open after doing three days of "inside work". i was in a light, happy, trusting place. i think somehow she sensed that, and resented it.

kd

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Isn't it wild how they somehow know? I've experienced this also. Those who installed our buttons and then push them at the exact right/wrong moment seem to have an uncanny hellishly perfect timing.

A friend of mine has a grandmother who does this, who will even do it til my friend ends up in the hospital. Then eventually the abuse cycle starts all over again. A honeymoon period where everything is rosy, then a build up of tension with little sniping remarks, until a big blow out.

My friend then is blamed, bashed, and her grandmother acts all sparkly and vindicated. Yuck.

[kimmydawn]

yep, sarah. it's amazing. t said that the setup was similar to the scenario in the movie "the perfect storm" for everything to be set up perfectly for the worst to happen. ugh. i'm sorry about friend.

i'm so excited that i've set this final boundary. the baby, our family, his family, etc., are now at a place that i can finally do what i need to in order to protect myself completely. that's sad to think, but it's true.

thank you again for understanding sarah.

Sounds like you are recognising what you need to do to feel safe, and doing it. I can understand the need to reduce contact, but also appreciate how hard that can be. Good for you for doing it.

Caroline

[kimmydawn]

Thank you, Caroline. I've had the reduced contact for quite a while. It's just made her more angry, attacking and vengeful. I have to do "no contact". It's sad, but necessary. I think I've already grieved this alot, so the sad isn't even great anymore.

thank you again. I hope you're doing ok.

KD

Hi Kimmy

If the reduced contact is hurtful then clearly you need to stop it.

I'm not doing so great, but I'm getting by. The tiredness I feel is making it really hard right now.

Caroline

[Overcastbutclearing]

KimmyDawn,
Sometimes we learn that boundaries are healthy but not always pleasing.
I am sure that is what is going on with your little man.
I can only send good wishes to the little man and to those who are investing in him and his childhood.
Sometimes we feel like we have not done enough but in essence we have done more then was ever expected.
Keep yourself together...
Keep yourself Safe.
Keep yourself hugged!
((((KD)))

[kimmydawn]

Thank you, Caroline.

I hope you feel better soon physically...emotional + physical = exhaustion.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((suz))))))))))))))) alot of wisdom in those words.

Thank you again,

KD

((((((((((Kimmydawn)))))))))))) by the way I love the new picture.

Parents can be a p[ain in the you know where. I too had to cut off contact. Total cut off lasted for 3 years. Then I allowed limited contact with my mother after my abuser died and we are just beginning 12 years later to have some sort of respectful relationship. When my step father was dying I had the choice to go to him or not. I decided not because at that point her was not lucid, he would not have recognized me and I didn't want my last memories of him to be all the hospital tube, monitors and so on, so even though a relative said she would be right there holding on to me so I wouldn't have my hospital fear panics I didnt go. For years I thought about and hoped he would die before my mom because I knew if she was first he would come after me again. I thought I would be cartwheel happy that he was gone. Then when it actually happened first I was happy. He was gone and I was finally truely free forever. But then guilt snuck in - I should have gone to him, I shouldnt have gone public for that added to his heart problems.. So many illogical thoughts of guilt then one day I was sitting in a restraunt with a friend and started crying. At first I didnt realize I was crying. I became aware of it when a friend took her napkin and wiped my face saying she wondered when it was going to hit. and it did big time for I had in the past few months been gaining the memories of the good times we had and that day in the restraunt all the love that I felt for those good times was there and I knew I would never have those good times with him ever again. I still bounce between loving and hating him. I still don't have contact with most of my family but my mother and I did talk about him and my feelings of his death. Most of the time now she accepts that I both love and hate him. and thats because one day I told her when she got upset about how I felt that these are my feelings just like her feelings are hers and her opinion of my feelings was not up for discussion then I got up from my chair and went for a long walk when I came back we didn't discuss what happened and still haven't but that doesn't matter because she now knows to keep her opinions to her self on what SHE thinks I should be feeling. Im feeling what I am feeling and thats that.

You have every right to feel however you feel about your dads death. and no one can take that from you.

(((((((KD)))))))

[kimmydawn]

thank you for sharing (((((((((((((((((((myself))))))))))))))))))

i'm glad that you're mother is able to respect your requests. my mother can't see another...only as how they affect/help/are of use to her. i know that's her illness. however, i've spoken to an illness my entire life. i never had a mother really. i can't speak to this illness anymore because i fear infection. she really can't see me, except as a reflection of herself. she can't hear me. she can't accept me. she just can't. she resents me because i had the audacity to live, and to now begin to live for me.

how sad that was to write...

thank you again,

kd

[kimmydawn]

Also, thanks for commenting on the new pic! Hubby said this one looks just like me. I'd just given myself a new haircut too. Hubby told me that I needed to replace the other one because it didn't look like me. LOL. I guess he's happy now.

Have a great one!

KD

[wisewoman]

Kimmy, you know where I stand. i would be dead if I had to have contact with those people who hurt me so. No contact works for me.

[Mahali]

(((((( kd )))))))

You have come so far since I have known you. Grown so strong and able to see the manipulating for what it really is. To be able to pick up on the satisfaction in the voice when the mother knows she has hit the right button and then be able to shut the button off and head back down the road to wellness by making healthy decisions. Have I told you that I am so very impressed by you and proud of you? Look at what you have done in this short year.

Keep tough kd. You are going to make it.

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