Hiya all,

I know none of you can diagnose me. I don't want that. I want understanding and support and help in understanding what I am experiencing. Having said that, here goes...

A little background. My father was a drug dealer and my mom divorced him when I was two and a half. She remarried my step-dad when I was five and by the age of six he began doing his pedophile thing. I also had twelve surgeries from the age of three months all the way to seventeen for bilateral cleft lip and palate. I never wanted any of these surgeries but because I was under the age of consent I had no say in the matter. Also, when I went to university I was raped the first year. Needless to say, I've had quite a lot of trauma and it makes sense that I would have developed d.i.d. I can honestly remember what I call "checking out" when I was going through the abuse. For instance, staring out the window at a particular star and losing myself in that star. Or staring at the furniture in the room and losing myself in that. It's only because I used to get "lost" in the furniture that I'm able to recall which house I was in during whatever memory I get back. I think, if it was that furniture then it was that house and if it was that house I was x years old.

Back seven years ago I was in treatment for anorexia/bulimia. I had to write my first step of how my illness came about. When I started writing I came out with this story about what it is like inside my head. I wrote that inside my head exists the little girl that used to be me. Inside my head it is a big warehouse full of boxes that are stored full of memories. It is the little girls job to make sure the warehouse stays tidy. Some times boxes fall down and memories spill out. Normally she puts these away and restacks the boxes. However, there are times where she doesn't know what to do and so pics up the memory and shoves it in my face. I experience this mainly as flashbacks and nightmares. It is when the little girl does this that I turn my back on her and turn to the anorexia/bulimia.

At the time I thought I was just being creative in trying to explain what it was like to be me, but now, after having my pdoc tell me I have mild d.i.d. I'm looking back at times where this may have come up into my conscious being. I mean why do I see other people inside my head. Like, there is a crossing guard inside my head. When my thoughts start racing out of control I force her to go into the intersection of my mind and hold up her hand and yell stop. The thoughts will then stop and she can direct them to come one at a time, which makes it easier for me to cope.

Sorry this is so long, I'm just trying to make sense of what I'm experiencing. I'm terrified right now especially because I'm starting to get new memories. Before now I had practically no memories before the age of ten. Now I'm starting to get those memories back. So far they have been either positive or neutral but that is just an indicator that the negative ones are coming.

HELP! Please please please please please help me. I feel like I'm losing it!

Love and hugs,
Tara

[Xeneon]

I don't have alot I can say, So I'm sorry for that. You have had you guard up for so long. Your brain is saying you can deal with the memories but part of you says your not ready for it. They will come slowly at least mine come slowly. Last night i had flashback to my childhood. I'm so sorry to hear about your college experience. I hope for you they come slowly so you can take, one memory at a time. Take Care!!!

[Elysium]

Well Hun,

I can tell you what it sounds like to me, as a reading bystander who also has DID, but it's certainly not a professional opinion...just a personal one.

You speak of the little girl who keeps the warehouse tidy. To me, this sounds a lot like my "Operator". I have an alter.....I don't perceive this alter as human necessarily....more like a process; a process of someone sitting at an old fashioned switchboard pulling out and plugging in lines. This Operator is responsible for sending current, in the moment, experiences to the alter that's supposed to hold that experience. The Operator also is responsible for filing memories away and hiding them out of reach within certain alters who hold them and protect the "me" from them.

I have heard of several other "We's" who have similar types of alters who keep their systems tidy. So your warehouse girl does not sound over the top to me; it's just the way your system has learned to function to cope, and not one person's system will operate the way another's will.

As for the memory recall, the good ones, for me that come back are bittersweet and few and far between. I appreciate the good ones, but it also depresses me because usually when things were good it was just one of my Abuser's ways of building me up to tear me down. It seems that, ultimately a negative memory rides high on the coat-tails of the good ones too....it just kind of breezes on in and cancels out any goodness remaining. It's depressing and very irritating.

My T tells me that these memories will only begin to surface as our core parts become able to cope, but able to cope doesn't necessarily equal ready to cope. The sad and difficult thing is, to stop the memories or keep them in, is to halt healing and hold yourself back, which is torture; but, to experience the feelings and memories and emotions is torture as well.

If you are having more memories, it is likely because on an sub-conscious level, your core is able to handle it even though it is freekin scary and you may not want to handle it.

Something to try....when your warehouse girl shoves a memorie in your face....maybe create a special memory journal. Like you can get lost in furniture and other things, maybe some of your parts can help to take those memories and let them be lost in the journal, so if it feels like it's too much, you can write it down, close it in, and then take it to Ts and have help as you confront it. It's not easy to do, but if you have some co-consciousness with some parts, maybe have an internal meeting and ask them for help to do this. Let them know you need their help to keep things feeling safer.

I hope this is helpful for you and I hope I understood what you were asking.

Take good care!!

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by tara_922

Hiya all,

I know none of you can diagnose me. I don't want that. I want understanding and support and help in understanding what I am experiencing. Having said that, here goes...

A little background. My father was a drug dealer and my mom divorced him when I was two and a half. She remarried my step-dad when I was five and by the age of six he began doing his pedophile thing. I also had twelve surgeries from the age of three months all the way to seventeen for bilateral cleft lip and palate. I never wanted any of these surgeries but because I was under the age of consent I had no say in the matter. Also, when I went to university I was raped the first year. Needless to say, I've had quite a lot of trauma and it makes sense that I would have developed d.i.d. I can honestly remember what I call "checking out" when I was going through the abuse. For instance, staring out the window at a particular star and losing myself in that star. Or staring at the furniture in the room and losing myself in that. It's only because I used to get "lost" in the furniture that I'm able to recall which house I was in during whatever memory I get back. I think, if it was that furniture then it was that house and if it was that house I was x years old.

Back seven years ago I was in treatment for anorexia/bulimia. I had to write my first step of how my illness came about. When I started writing I came out with this story about what it is like inside my head. I wrote that inside my head exists the little girl that used to be me. Inside my head it is a big warehouse full of boxes that are stored full of memories. It is the little girls job to make sure the warehouse stays tidy. Some times boxes fall down and memories spill out. Normally she puts these away and restacks the boxes. However, there are times where she doesn't know what to do and so pics up the memory and shoves it in my face. I experience this mainly as flashbacks and nightmares. It is when the little girl does this that I turn my back on her and turn to the anorexia/bulimia.

At the time I thought I was just being creative in trying to explain what it was like to be me, but now, after having my pdoc tell me I have mild d.i.d. I'm looking back at times where this may have come up into my conscious being. I mean why do I see other people inside my head. Like, there is a crossing guard inside my head. When my thoughts start racing out of control I force her to go into the intersection of my mind and hold up her hand and yell stop. The thoughts will then stop and she can direct them to come one at a time, which makes it easier for me to cope.

Sorry this is so long, I'm just trying to make sense of what I'm experiencing. I'm terrified right now especially because I'm starting to get new memories. Before now I had practically no memories before the age of ten. Now I'm starting to get those memories back. So far they have been either positive or neutral but that is just an indicator that the negative ones are coming.

HELP! Please please please please please help me. I feel like I'm losing it!

Love and hugs,
Tara

Tara the problem can be anything from after affects from your parents drug/alcohol use if your dad was using during your conception to any number of mental and physical health problems. if you google all the symptoms you posted you will come up as having a whole mess of stuff.. examples all the following have the same symptoms as you have posted in common - schizophrenia, schizo affective disorder, schizotypial disorder, bipolar disorder, depression, borderline personality disorder, mood disorders, sleep deprivation, anemia, epilepsy, dimentia, ....I could go on and on and on..

the best thing you can do for yourself is stop trying to self diagnose/figure this out on your own. it will only keep gettting more and more confusing for you until you and your own pdoc sit down together and you ask him whats going on and why he is diagnosing you the way he is.

and if you dont agree with his diagnosis you can ask for a second opinion and diagnostic testing that can tell you whats going on.

we can all tell you what things are in general but none of its going to make any sense in regards to you and your problems until you and your pdoc sit down and have a talk about all this..

he is the one thats diagnosing you with DId so its to him you need to be asking these questions to. he's the only one that has the answers you are looking for.

Thanks Elysium and AmandaLouise,

What I've decided I'm going to do is print out everything I have typed here on this forum and take it to my doctor. I'm just trying to see what she sees. You're right, self-diagnosis can be very harmful. I am finding that I am just working myself up into a frenzy of panic thinking that I'm going to disolve into something I can't even recognize. So I'm going to take a break from this forum. Thanks for your input and insight. I appreciate it.

Thanks for explaining the operator to me too Elysium, that was totally helpful! I'll PM you soon.

Love and hugs,
Tara

[Elysium]

I think it's an excellent idea to take this to your T and speak with them about it. It's a good place to start the exploration.

As far as self-diagnosing....I don't see what you're doing as self-diagnosing. You are not saying, "I have this diagnosis, and it is indisputable.", you are relaying a set of symptoms and asking, inside a forum meant for the support of dissociative disorders, for people to share their thoughts and experiences in a way that may relate to what you are experiencing. There is a big difference.

You are asking for SUPPORT!! And that is what this site, and this forum are for....SUPPORT; not for others to invalidate your experiences by throwing multiple other labels at you and saying "You could be that or this", and not for other people, no matter what their education or professional status may be, to simply blow you off by telling you to go talk to your T. Clearly those people aren't comfortable offering support or do not have the knack for it.

You have a right, just as everyone else on this site, to ask for support, to ask for others to share as they feel comfortable, and to get SUPPORT!!

Please, do not forget that!!

[AngelsRUs]

I understand the feeling of thinking your going crazy. I allowed others to near convince me of that for 5+years. I too think I have DID and am trying to see if the psyciatrist would be willing to evaluate and change the diagnosis.
No one ever has a problem with my personalities until the 4yr old comes out. And I must say it has to look crazy a middle aged gal acting like a small child, skipping around and having a bit of magical/fantasy thinking. Of course, when the 4yr old comes out so does everyone else. It is as if they are all clamoring for control. I am thinking that unfortunately the 4yr old is the core personality "we" are all protecting...not sure how I feel about that...kind of strange.
I really had my epiphany of this being DID when I turned into my father before my very eyes....talking like him and his mannerisms was extremely uncomfortable. My mother's personality seems to have changed...instead of harassing me like she did growing up the personality has become the mom I always wanted her to be...odd huh...?
I understand why we split off into many personalitites....but why do we make our abusers into personalities?

~AngelsRUs~

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by AngelsRUs

I understand the feeling of thinking your going crazy. I allowed others to near convince me of that for 5+years. I too think I have DID and am trying to see if the psyciatrist would be willing to evaluate and change the diagnosis.
No one ever has a problem with my personalities until the 4yr old comes out. And I must say it has to look crazy a middle aged gal acting like a small child, skipping around and having a bit of magical/fantasy thinking. Of course, when the 4yr old comes out so does everyone else. It is as if they are all clamoring for control. I am thinking that unfortunately the 4yr old is the core personality "we" are all protecting...not sure how I feel about that...kind of strange.
I really had my epiphany of this being DID when I turned into my father before my very eyes....talking like him and his mannerisms was extremely uncomfortable. My mother's personality seems to have changed...instead of harassing me like she did growing up the personality has become the mom I always wanted her to be...odd huh...?
I understand why we split off into many personalitites....but why do we make our abusers into personalities?

~AngelsRUs~

to get a psychiatric or psychological evaluation done in Montana (where your profile states you are) to find out what mental disorders you have, contact your medical doctor (primary care physician), therapist or case manager. tell them what you need and they will refer you to a psychiatrist or psychologist that does diagnostics for mental disorders including dissociative disorders. if you are on insurance let your primary care physician know so that when he puts the referral paperwork through the psychiatrist/psychologist that you get will be one thats covered by your insurance plan.