[shoez]

I dont believe I have a dissociative disorder. I daydream a lot and sometimes I do lose track of things..perhaps extremely mild. But I dont really dissociate. But im posting here..because maybe this might be connected to some kind of dissociation or something

I just figure here is the place I can figure out something.
Every couple of months...it is as if I become a whole different person, and I have no control over it. Its very scary for me and I never know when its coming. It takes over my life.

For a few months or weeks, I will become a religious nut, I will be a Christian go to church and all that...then few months later..my new obsession is being a nurse. then all of a sudden for a few months im completely depressed and burdened. Then for a few months Im 10 years old. I want to wear little pigtails and be a child or a baby. Then next few months Im n adult and my past doesnt affect me and Im okay. then the next few months I find myself acting like an old lady, trying to dress modestly wishing I was in 1940's. Then in week or months ill feel like I want to do something bad like drugs or just run away or I dont know!

And the thing is, that these things done go away. Its like they cycle every few months..and sometimes Ill get a new "thing" but usually it cycles between..old lady, 10 year old, religious nut, secular whoever, body counscious eating disordered.

I dont know how to get rid of these cycles in my life, I dont know who I am I change so much all the time. Its really scary and I cant control it. Ill throw things out that later I wish I had..I make friends with people which later ill dislike or want no contact with. Ill make big decisions ...then later on ill be like.. WAIT I cant do that!!! does anybody at all relate? I tried to ask in "ask a therapist" but all he did was tell me I was young and exploring . THIS DOESNT FEEL LIKE EXPLORING. this feels like im suddenly forced into something else and I become someone or something esle. I dont know!

[yellowted]

imo it sounds like there are a few different inners (alters) inside you all competeing for you to acknowledge and nurture them.
it is known as DID or dissociative identity disorder, most people in this forum experience similar things , some on a hourly basis !
try listening to them and asking them what they want, what is bothering them and how you can help them feel better.possibly then they will begin to work together and not compete for your attention.
I am no expert and do not have this difficulty to any great degree, I only have me and my little me who needs comforting sometimes.
All I know is from reading this forum, and from what a therapist told me a few years ago. the first step is to seek medical advice , in the mean time you colud try letting each inner know you are there or them, to listen, comfort and nurture them.

you may find it helpful to read some of the posts on here, there is a place on here called the garden i think where your 10 year old you can go to get support, it is specifically for littles inside bigs.
there is also a forum around religion, i don't know its name off hand but your religious you may find it useful.

good luck, i wish you well
Take care
Yellowed x

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by shoez

I dont believe I have a dissociative disorder. I daydream a lot and sometimes I do lose track of things..perhaps extremely mild. But I dont really dissociate. But im posting here..because maybe this might be connected to some kind of dissociation or something

I just figure here is the place I can figure out something.
Every couple of months...it is as if I become a whole different person, and I have no control over it. Its very scary for me and I never know when its coming. It takes over my life.

For a few months or weeks, I will become a religious nut, I will be a Christian go to church and all that...then few months later..my new obsession is being a nurse. then all of a sudden for a few months im completely depressed and burdened. Then for a few months Im 10 years old. I want to wear little pigtails and be a child or a baby. Then next few months Im n adult and my past doesnt affect me and Im okay. then the next few months I find myself acting like an old lady, trying to dress modestly wishing I was in 1940's. Then in week or months ill feel like I want to do something bad like drugs or just run away or I dont know!

And the thing is, that these things done go away. Its like they cycle every few months..and sometimes Ill get a new "thing" but usually it cycles between..old lady, 10 year old, religious nut, secular whoever, body counscious eating disordered.

I dont know how to get rid of these cycles in my life, I dont know who I am I change so much all the time. Its really scary and I cant control it. Ill throw things out that later I wish I had..I make friends with people which later ill dislike or want no contact with. Ill make big decisions ...then later on ill be like.. WAIT I cant do that!!! does anybody at all relate? I tried to ask in "ask a therapist" but all he did was tell me I was young and exploring . THIS DOESNT FEEL LIKE EXPLORING. this feels like im suddenly forced into something else and I become someone or something esle. I dont know!

we cant tell you what the problem is with in you only you and your treatment providers can do that and only - you - can tell - us - what your problems are. this site doesnt allow even those of us that are mental health providers from telling members what their problems are.

Im told we can tell you what it sounds like..

in my opinion it sounds like anything and everything. by that I mean the problem can stem from anything starting with puberty to mid life crisis to memapause, and on into old age. it can be any mental disorders known to the mental health providers like but not limited to bipolar disorder, disscoative disorders, schizophreniic type disorders, depression, , OCD .........

and it could be nothing at all.

to figure this problem out you will need to contact treatment providers ie medical and mental health probviders in your town city or near you. they can all do diagnostic testing that will finally give you an answer to why you behave the way you do and have the thinking process that you do.



normally people do go through phases where they feel they need to make changes in their looks, behaviors, roles in life.

[purple_fins]

This might not be DID at all.... It could be so so many various things--
it could be a symptom of
Borderline Personality disorder(identity struggles and also they can tend to change to be like whoever they are around or are influenced by at the moment), it could be that you are young and trying out different things to "feel" how it is to be that kind of self. (I know you said it didn't feel like that-- but-- I wouldn't totally eliminate that possibility).

Or-- If you want to think "way out", like I do-- it could be some flashes of past lives. I have had those.

I think you should seek a professional for advice and not take us for our word -- -- as we don't "see" you and aren't supposed to diagnose here, and also, most of us aren't psych-professionals.

Wishing you helpful findings in your search.

fins

[Korin]

shoez,

If this is seriously disrupting your life, the only way to know for sure what the problem is is to ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist or a psychologist for assessment.

But be warned that is a long hard road you may not want to go down.

If it isn't seriously disrupting your life, I suggest that you simply flow with it and take care of yourself through and during each experience.

Keeping a journal of your experiences can help. And if you should ever find yourself feeling confused about what is going on, reading the journal can help.

Staying calm definitely helps as does accepting yourself for who you are.

[shoez]

Originally Posted by Korin

shoez,

If this is seriously disrupting your life, the only way to know for sure what the problem is is to ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist or a psychologist for assessment.

But be warned that is a long hard road you may not want to go down.

If it isn't seriously disrupting your life, I suggest that you simply flow with it and take care of yourself through and during each experience.

Keeping a journal of your experiences can help. And if you should ever find yourself feeling confused about what is going on, reading the journal can help.

Staying calm definitely helps as does accepting yourself for who you are.

I dont want to go down a hard road..I dont want to suffer more than is necessary. But It is disrupting because Ill make realy big decisions, like completely change my career course, or spend rediculous amounts of money...which means changing the entire thing, going to a different school...I have gone so far to be obsessed with something to the point where I was willing to die for it. I willl go through phases where even if I get beatings I dont feel it I dont care....and then its like the real me comes out and is so depressed and doesnt understand. I dont even know if this makes any sense. But its too frustrating, it affects my money, my reltionships...It affects the way I dress..it affects things I throw out and keep in my house. It affects where I go to school, and the people I hang out with.

How do I go from religious nut, to wanting to color my hair streaked blue and go and do drugs and get a piercing...

I got a piercing and few months later I took it out because it disgusted me...when I was so happy I got it before. Its so frustrating! Why cant I make up my mind about ANYTHING. I could have gotten an infection.
Ill wear belly shirts for a long time and not care how many men look at me.....Ill like it. and the next few months im scared out of my mind if ONE guy looks at me wierd...and Ill wear long skirts and shirts and im scared og every man and I could never imagine myself getting married, and I want to take the belly ring off and never see it again.

It extends far more than just varied interests... Its really frustrating because when I change I change 180 degrees. I just change so much..and its not fun. Its not like Im having a fabulous time expanding horizons or anything, because when Im completely immersed in the situation Its like I just wake up and think WHAT AM I DOING I DONT WANT TO BE HERE?!. I Im really scared of telling anybody I do this I know its bizarre..and what scares me the most is that I have NO control over this...and if I tell someone..what if they send me to some mental ward or something! I dont want that.. Im scared of making decisions because they change so radically.

Im telling you, one day Im church going girl and the next minute Ill be acting like I was never hurt and I dont care what men do to me and I even went to a party with a bunch of guys. Which right now...makes me cringe just thinking about it...Im so scared of men....Im freaking out constantly that they want to hurt me...so how was I so different a few months ago??? I DONT GET IT. I just dont know what to do anymore. Im not even asking for a diagnosis..I just want to know if someone relates at all.. Is there anybody that relates.
That has gone through this.. its so incredibly frustrating.

Im sorry if I sound like I am yelling, Im not...Im just really scared I dont know where to turn anymore

[Hunny]

I willl go through phases where even if I get beatings I dont feel it I dont care....and then its like the real me comes out and is so depressed and doesnt understand.

Beatings? Um, ?!

[Mediator]

Shoez
did you try meditation, ask if it is ok to do mindfulness meditation your doctor. I will help you how to do. I can not sort your problems but I think meditation helps people sort problems. It seems you are a strong girl how you are trying to look for a help.
Take care
Ivana

You are asking all the right questions. However, I also want to encourage you to find professional help to answer your questions, since your life is being so disruptive and it's scaring you.

How did you feel after you shared all this with us?

[Korin]

shoez,

None of us want to go down the hard road but sometimes that's where the real help is.

It does sound like you need to speak to someone who can answer some of your questions.

It does make sense. You want some help understanding what you are experiencing.

I'm no expert by any means but if I were to make a guess as to what you are experiencing I'd say you were very aware of alters. I'm DID but not fully aware of all my 'parts' (my preferred term). you seem to be very aware of their activities but are perhaps not quite convinced that it's down to alters. I can't stress enough how important it is to remain calm. Keep a journal, write in it everyday. Also write notes and reminders to yourself to stay calm and do some research. If you don't think you can handle that then I suggest you fix to see someone who can help you understand what is going on.