[AngelsRUs]

Life growing up was hard for me. Every caregiver I had was abusive in at least one way or another if not in several ways. I was abused physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and even religiously (if that is even a type of abuse). I was a pretty resilient kid and I excelled at school. School was my escape and it was there I got some of the attention and love I so desperately needed.
I have a lot of missing memories from childhood; however, I have several memories of abuse throughout childhood. In some ways this bothers me and in others I am glad. I do not deal well with this sort of thing and I tend to relive those things later.
I thought I had turned out pretty good despite my childhood. Even a psychiatrist I saw at 14 and 16 thought I was doing great as well, especially considering my past history of abuse. However, there was a counselor at 16 that mentioned that she thought I might have MPD....I thought she was wacked at the time.
So years later, age 35 here I am and I am wondering if she wasn't right. Since I was 30 my life has gotten complicated to say the least. I have always had these voices inside my head...however, they are more like thoughts than voices except that I recognize that these thoughts are not my own. Over the years, I typically just ignored them as I thought I just needed to take captive every thought and discard certain ones.
In 2005, my life became super stressful and filled with all kinds of abuse yet again. A year later I got sick. They said it was psychosis and that I was bipolar. I accepted it at the time and read all I could about the disorder; however, it didn't click. Even friends said I did not seem bipolar. Worse was I tried telling them that during the supposed "psychosis" I felt like I was dreaming while awake. That I remembered everything but it was like I was trapped in my mind and not in control (kind of like the John Malkovich movie). They of course ignored me.
I recently got sick for the 4th time. This time was a bit strange. Again I felt like I was dreaming while awake. Again I was not in control. However, I noticed that I went from being 4yrs old to a teenager and then back to my present age. Later I even turned into my biological father, my mother, and oddly enough my great-grandmother. Despite bipolar meds I got sick again overnight. I am convinced that this is DID not bipolar. I also have PTSD which is what seems to trigger this dissociation. There is no sign for weeks or months on end of me getting sick. Trauma or stress or abuse occurs and I have high anxiety that I can't sleep and then bam, I start going though these personalities.
The 4yr old causes the most fuss with her magical thinking, believing in miracles and super heroes. However, a teenage personality and the one that acts like my mother's good side deny marriage to my husband causing others to decide I am completely wacked! When the 4yr old comes out it seems like all of them start clamoring and vying for control.
I never realized it before but I do have personality changes and I am fully aware of them even though not in control of them. I never thought anything of it as it is normal for me. However, now it is getting a bit freaky to me and I want to be in control of this disorder. I have heard you can merge the personalities somehow....and how do I keep from making more personalities? I have a brand new one that is my husband and he is abusive. His personality was scary as it held my host personality hostage by threatening to kill me and had and invisable knife to my throat....it was weird cause I could feel the knife but I knew there wasn't one there at all.
Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Am I seriously going crazy or is this DID/MPD....
I have been trying the past week to not let go....I can feel this feeling of being pushed back like I am falling asleep or sinking further into myself and becoming the watcher not the doer...so I have been trying to not lose control but I don't know how.....I have been on the brink for a week...so far I am not on the anxiety meds I need for this...still on bipolar meds which aren't doing a dang thing. Hoping I can get this new psychiatrist to listen.

Thanks for Listening~

~AngelsRUs~

[Omers]

Yes, there is absolutely spiritual/religious abuse. Jim Leehan wrote a wonderful book that has stuff in it about religious abuse. It is called "Defiant Hope". I think it is out of print but you can usually find used copies on Amazon. I have met Jim and he is just as wonderful in person as he is in his book.
What you are talking about could be DID or psychosis IMO. But I am not a professional.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by AngelsRUs

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Am I seriously going crazy or is this DID/MPD....

Angel everything you posted can be so many different things. the symptoms of DID are shared with many different medical and mental problems, like you have already found out what you posted about can be bipolar disorder. it can also be so many other things. even something as simple as not getting enough sleep can cause dissociative symptoms.

the best thing you can do for yourself is keep in mind this can be many things including DID and go get a psych eval with a psychiatrist. in another posting you asked how to do that.. its real easy to do. your profile says you live in montana. just pick up the phone and call your primary care physician (medical doctor) tell them you would like a referral to a psychiatrist for an evaluation for mental disorders. tell them if you have insurnace and which one. the medical doctor puts the paperwork through and anywhere between next week and next month you will have the name of a psychiatrist that your insurance will cover that does psych evals for all mental disorders. then you call that number/psychiatrist and schedule your evaluation.

if you cant do this on your own tell your medical doctor and they will do a referral and appointment setting for you. you can also have your present therapist put in the referral and appointment setting for you, so can a case manager if you have one. in montana they also have staff psychiatrists at the therapy agencies you can see to go through testing.

if you dont have insurnace montana has a social services program that can get you evaluated through that. here is their website you can find any numbers you need here http://www.dphhs.mt.gov/contactus/hu...services.shtml

just call which ever location fits where you are and they can help you apply for state assistance and help you get set up with a psychiatrist in your location who can do diagnostic testing to see if whats happening to you is in fact DID instead of bipolar disorder, PTSD or any other mental problems that my mimic DID symptoms.

please dont do yourself a disservice and cause yourself more stress than you already have by trying to fit yourself into a mental disorder that you may not even have.

one of my clients tried to do that and it turned out her dissociative symptoms were from a rare cancer and anemia. because she went on what she thought was DID and didnt bother with consulting medical and mental health providers she is now dead. her life could have been saved had she not read herself into believing and consulting people on line who told her yes she has DID,

we cannot tell you what your problem is.

we cannot tell you what you are experiencing is DID.

all we can tell you is what those symptoms were in us and people we knew and tell you to consult mental health providers in your off line location.

bottom line what you posted could be any number of things google your symptoms and you will find millions of millions of things your symptoms are.

you have been diagnosed bipolar go on that until a mental health provider in your off line location tells you differently. see your medical doctor and a psychiatrist for a new updated evaluation then you will know.

I would hate to find out someone here at psych central died because they believed what people on line tell them instead of consulting their own doctors and mental health providers in their own areas off line.

I know a lot of psych central members are tired of hearing me say the same thing over and over again - your symptoms fit all kinds of things not just DID, we cant tell you what you have please consult your treatment providers. but theres a reason I do so. I have gone through losing someone because they believed what was on the internet instead of consulting their own treatment providers. Its a horrible feeling and a good person was lost from this world. I wont stand by and let that happen again. I know I cant prevent it, people are going to talk themselves int mental disorders if they want to or need to but this is one woman that is not going to be part of that wagon.

please contact your treatment providers. go through the testing. you will save yourself so much stress and heartache and will gain answers to what is going on inside of you.

[AngelsRUs]

I do thank you for your concern. 1) I have a psyc appt. 2) I have been actively getting help for 5 years 3) I know it isn't bipolar. 4) I was mainly needing to vent and wanting to find other people who have DID.
While I understand your concerns about the possibility of someone losing their life, this isn't the case with me. I wasn't trying to self diagnose honestly. I already have PTSD and was looking up that when I came across depersonalization/dissociation...and I guess I do not explain it well...but that is exactly what I am going through. For me it was an Aha moment and I merely wanted someone like me to talk to about it.
What I meant about the doctor was wanting to know how to go about bringing up that I think this is DID and have the doctor at least consider it instead of brush me off. I was diagnosed 5 yrs ago in 5 minutes no one can tell me that is how it is supposed to be done. I can not relate to people I know with bipolar nor they with me. THere are some similarities but it just isn't the same disorder. I will not be upset to know I have DID it makes sense to me honestly. THough some days it bites not having someone you can talk to about it that can relate.
Also I finally got put on anxiety meds ironically ones used for DID and I was doing great but for some reason this hospital doesn't send you home with scripts so I have been waiting almost 2 weeks for my psyc doc appt to see if he will put me on that med permenantly and discuss the DID and treatment for it as well. I know me better than anyone does and without that med in place I will keep getting sick IF my anxiety gets out of hand. I get sick within 12-24 hrs of anxiety. I always know I am getting sick the day it happens. There is no weeks of build up.
I am sorry if I upset you in anyway. I truly just wanted what everyone wants to find someone or someones like themselves that you can share and relate to.

~AngelsRUs~

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by AngelsRUs

I do thank you for your concern. 1) I have a psyc appt. 2) I have been actively getting help for 5 years 3) I know it isn't bipolar. 4) I was mainly needing to vent and wanting to find other people who have DID.
While I understand your concerns about the possibility of someone losing their life, this isn't the case with me. I wasn't trying to self diagnose honestly. I already have PTSD and was looking up that when I came across depersonalization/dissociation...and I guess I do not explain it well...but that is exactly what I am going through. For me it was an Aha moment and I merely wanted someone like me to talk to about it.
What I meant about the doctor was wanting to know how to go about bringing up that I think this is DID and have the doctor at least consider it instead of brush me off. I was diagnosed 5 yrs ago in 5 minutes no one can tell me that is how it is supposed to be done. I can not relate to people I know with bipolar nor they with me. THere are some similarities but it just isn't the same disorder. I will not be upset to know I have DID it makes sense to me honestly. THough some days it bites not having someone you can talk to about it that can relate.
Also I finally got put on anxiety meds ironically ones used for DID and I was doing great but for some reason this hospital doesn't send you home with scripts so I have been waiting almost 2 weeks for my psyc doc appt to see if he will put me on that med permenantly and discuss the DID and treatment for it as well. I know me better than anyone does and without that med in place I will keep getting sick IF my anxiety gets out of hand. I get sick within 12-24 hrs of anxiety. I always know I am getting sick the day it happens. There is no weeks of build up.
I am sorry if I upset you in anyway. I truly just wanted what everyone wants to find someone or someones like themselves that you can share and relate to.

~AngelsRUs~

I am so glad to hear you have set up an appointment.

there is no medication to treat DID. they can treat things like depression, anxiety symptoms with medication. but there is no medication that will work directly for DID. yes if you need the meds for controlling anxiety its best you have it.

you didnt upset me. I just get real concerned about people now when it looks like someone is self diagnosing and going by internet and online people without consulting their own treatment providers.

how to bring it up with your treatment providers - just tell them what your symptoms are and you would like to go through testing to find out for sure whats going on. they wont brush off someone who just wants to know what their problem is and get treatment for it. go with a list of your symptoms and questions, so you wont forget what you want to tell them.

[Omers]

Having been brushed off (I have worked with many a crappy T) my suggestion is persistence. You might not get the answer you are looking for but keep pushing until you get an answer that fits/makes sense. And sometimes that doesn't even mean a different answer just a different T/pdoc that can understand well enough to explain why it is what it is in a way that makes sense. IMO.
My current pdoc can say and do all sorts of things I never would have been comfortable with when I was working with my last pdoc. It isn't hat she is saying anything truly new... heck she has even suggested things that *logically* should be harder to take than old pdoc! just that she knows me well enough to say it in a way that makes sense/fits.

[AngelsRUs]

I have an education in psychology myself. I am working on finishing my degree to become a psychiatrist ironically. So I am not just taking information from online or other people. I actually know that bipolar/DID/scitzophernia are often misdiagnosed one for the other. Also people with DID usually go about 7 yrs approx. before being properly diagnosed. I did finally get one doc to listen to my concerns and scitozphernia was ruled out but he was a temporary doc. So far none of the meds work...all that works is anxiety meds or finding other ways to reduce stress.
Even though there is no med to actually treat DID...they do usually give anti-anxiety meds to help with it and it works pretty good as C-PTSD and other anxiety problems usually go hand in hand. I can't wait to see the p doc today and am hopeful that he will listen to my concerns. Honestly, I just want to be on the right meds ones that work. I have been accused of not taking meds when I get "sick" when I took them faithfully. I have never had a problem taking the meds doesn't bother me in the least to take them.
I have a pattern that works like clockwork. Major stress usually a form of abuse...either past or present stuff...causes high anxiety making it difficult to fall asleep and within less than 12-24hrs I am "sick". Without an anxiety med in place I will continue to get sick whenever stress gets too high...worse is I can handle a lot so when I get "sick" it is a sign I need help in my life with abuse issues. So far I haven't had much luck in the mental health field. I am in a new state so I am hoping it will go better here.
The positives are my family doctor knows there is abuse going on she has almost called DFS on my husband a few times. There are also a few others that do know the truth and know me well enough to know I only want to take care of my health for myself and my family. I'm trying not to stress.
I am tired of being misunderstood. I am tired of people not understanding what I am going through during the so called "episodes". Although, it appears crazy on the outside. It makes perfect sense. My son helped me a lot cause he has had to deal with several personalities himself. He says I am nice no matter who I am but he did think it was funny was I became the teenager cause he is a teenager...though he felt for me it tickled his funny bone.
I have a tendency to accept whatever they tell me...part of my past abuse issues. It hasn't been until recently that I decided I am not going to get anywhere unless I speak up and tell them what I am going through. No one has really asked. As long as it is an educated answer that makes sense then I have no problem accepting the answer, whatever the answer is. But when 2+2=20 I have a problem with it.
Thank you so much for the feedback!

[wanttoheal]

I'm so sorry you are struggling to figure out what's going on with the Drs. Hopefully the appt today will help.

When you say you have "episodes" or get "sick," I don't understand what that means. Do you mean losing time or sitting in the back of your head or something?

I am in the back of my head most of the time even when I am present, always in the distance. But there are times I feel myself get further back and it gets dark. Then I find myself somewhere else. Other times I just end up somewhere else doing something else but don't remember going through the "tunnel" in my head. When I am present, although in the back of my head, I am still aware of what I am doing. But when I back into the tunnel or just end up someplace else, I have no idea what happened while I was gone.

I remember being diagnosed. I fought it and denied it for well over 3 years. Even though it explained things, I couldn't deal with it. I do have to say that now that I've finally accepted, it's a little easier to deal with.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I hope you will get the help you need and deserve.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by AngelsRUs

I have an education in psychology myself. I am working on finishing my degree to become a psychiatrist ironically. So I am not just taking information from online or other people. I actually know that bipolar/DID/scitzophernia are often misdiagnosed one for the other. Also people with DID usually go about 7 yrs approx. before being properly diagnosed. I did finally get one doc to listen to my concerns and scitozphernia was ruled out but he was a temporary doc. So far none of the meds work...all that works is anxiety meds or finding other ways to reduce stress.
Even though there is no med to actually treat DID...they do usually give anti-anxiety meds to help with it and it works pretty good as C-PTSD and other anxiety problems usually go hand in hand. I can't wait to see the p doc today and am hopeful that he will listen to my concerns. Honestly, I just want to be on the right meds ones that work. I have been accused of not taking meds when I get "sick" when I took them faithfully. I have never had a problem taking the meds doesn't bother me in the least to take them.
I have a pattern that works like clockwork. Major stress usually a form of abuse...either past or present stuff...causes high anxiety making it difficult to fall asleep and within less than 12-24hrs I am "sick". Without an anxiety med in place I will continue to get sick whenever stress gets too high...worse is I can handle a lot so when I get "sick" it is a sign I need help in my life with abuse issues. So far I haven't had much luck in the mental health field. I am in a new state so I am hoping it will go better here.
The positives are my family doctor knows there is abuse going on she has almost called DFS on my husband a few times. There are also a few others that do know the truth and know me well enough to know I only want to take care of my health for myself and my family. I'm trying not to stress.
I am tired of being misunderstood. I am tired of people not understanding what I am going through during the so called "episodes". Although, it appears crazy on the outside. It makes perfect sense. My son helped me a lot cause he has had to deal with several personalities himself. He says I am nice no matter who I am but he did think it was funny was I became the teenager cause he is a teenager...though he felt for me it tickled his funny bone.
I have a tendency to accept whatever they tell me...part of my past abuse issues. It hasn't been until recently that I decided I am not going to get anywhere unless I speak up and tell them what I am going through. No one has really asked. As long as it is an educated answer that makes sense then I have no problem accepting the answer, whatever the answer is. But when 2+2=20 I have a problem with it.
Thank you so much for the feedback!

I too am confused by the 4 episodes wording. DID doesnt have "episodes" its the same way from childhood on into adult hood and the same until you get treated. it doesnt have "episodes" and isnt like mania that has episodes and cycles. In fact one of the diagnostics for having the disorder is that you dont have symptoms and problems that can be contributed to other things. having clockwork like episodes happens with bipolar so that symptom will not be considered tyo be because of possibly having DID. its the not shared with other mental disorder problems like the psychiatrist talking with a certain kind of alternate personalities that get a person diagnosed with DID, not clockwork episodes of anxiety from triggers. clockwork episodes of anxiety because of being triggered will get you diagnosed with flashbacks and PTSD but not DID.

you also said it appears crazy on the outside. people with DID dont appear crazy. they look and behave the same way on the outside as any normal person does. in fact thats why the alters are there. so the child can go on with their life like a normal person does without having to remember and deal with the abuse they went through. so the abused person can go on living a completely normal life without other people knowing they have been abused and without other people knowing the alters are there. I know in movies and tv shows they depict a DID person as appearing to be crazy manic looking. but they do that for ratings and because they are showing on the outside what is inside the person hidden from everyone else.

people with DID dont look any differently than a normal person does.

the fact that you think you appear crazy on the outside clicked something with me. I have clients with Body Dysmorphic Disorder who believe mental disorders that dont show on the outside make a person appearance to be crazy abnormal. I checked your profile and it says you have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. this idea of DID making you appear crazy on the outside might be something you want to discuss at your upcoming psych eval appointment. he can help you understand DID people dont appear crazy on the outside and it may be your Body Dysmorphic Disorder causing you to believe you have problems you may not have like appearing crazy on the outside because you may have DID.

DID is no more crazy looking then those super models, your parents, your friends or anyone else you see out there that is normal looking. if you have DID you will not appear crazy on the outside.

if it turns out you have DID you will look perfectly fine and no one will be able to see you have DID. the only way anyone will know you have DID is if you tell them.

you are a psych major right. look up the disorder in your psych books they dont say a person with DID appears crazy on the outside.

also you might want to hold off on believing those statistics you find online about it taking 7 yrs to be diagnosed with DID. what you find online is grossly outdated from the 1990's census. the going rate now is much much earlier.

the recent seminar I attended said according to last summers census the average for being diagnosed with DID is a yr or less because for the past 10 yrs america has been educating those in college to become a mental health provider about dissociative disorders including DID because it was now a recognized mental disorder in the DSM IV TR. for the past 10 yrs Americans have been graduating mental health providers with knowledge about the dissociative disorders and with the new testing protocols for testing of all mental disorders instead of just suspected ones, there is hardly no difference of the rate of diagnosis of DID with the rate of diagnosis for any other mental disorder here in america.

Also something I thought you might want to be aware of, regarding your statement Even though there is no med to actually treat DID...they do usually give anti-anxiety meds to help with it ..)

here in america treatment providers dont give antidepressants, antianxiety meds to actually treat DID. having clockwork like anxiety because of being triggered is different than the symptoms that come with DID. the anxiety meds are for treating your anxiety not your DID, especially since you havent been diagnosed with that disorder yet.

something else you may not be aware of one way to rule out DID is give a prescription of a placebo or anxiety meds and tell the client it will help with their DID. when ruling in or out the DID, the meds dont work at all points to having the disorder not the other way around.

[AngelsRUs]

Thank you wanttoheal for your sweetness! I sure needed that really!

Saw the p doc today and don't know why I was so filled with anxiety over it....he declared that I AM NOT bipolar. I have C-PTSD and he agrees that it sounds like DID and he and the therapist are going to try to help me stay in control and mend. Changed my meds too. anti anxiety and an anti depressant....the two meds i told everyone worked for me ativan and celexa.

So I am pretty excited that someone finally was willing to really listen and hear me out. He asked a lot of questioins to it was over an hour...not a 5 min diagnoses that is for sure. I appreciate all of you for being a sounding board.

wanttoheal...when I say episodes that is what other people call them...when I start going through my alters tons and their reality and pasts are sooo different that it looks like mania or psychosis craziness at any rate. It is where I am in the "back of the bus" so to speak and not in control.

~AngelsRUs

[darpsych]

can't wait for the diagnosis