I am having a really hard time
Crystal

I'm here. Am I too late?

No-I'm so happy to see someone I know!
I haven't been out in a long time and so much has changed and I'm so scared and
lost. We have a new Dr. for meds and new meds, son is getting married, I missed Christmas and no one inside lets me know anything. Maybe that's my fault because I've been hiding and I just don't want to come out.
So many things are triggering.
Crystal
I hope youre still here...

Hi Crystal,

I was wondering how you were doing. We haven't seen much of you. I know a while back you were really sad and angry and you wanted to hide, so it must be hard to be around now and feel so lost.

The son getting married must be putting a terrible strain and stress on the constellation. KD can tell you how hard but wonderful it is. Her daughter was married recently.

Maybe the new meds will help. Pay close attention to how they make you feel and call p-doc right away if something seems wrong. Well, more wrong.

Take your time. Tell the others that you would like to stay informed. I know you all journal so make sure you write it down. Tell Vicki I said.

Most of all breathe and stay safe.

Petunia

I took all my pages out of the journal. I threw them away. Rule is I can't harm the body, but I can make myself not exist. W_I and Vicki know I'm still around but everyone ignores me now because I just hide. It's too scary out. But I'm so lonely. And I'm so confused.
There is alot of hurt inside me.
W_I runs the body now, even though I used to. I can't. I just can't.
Too many triggers going on right now that make me want to really disapear. Really. But contacts and stay safe promises and all that.

Do you ever talk to T?

I'm sorry you feel so much pain. And being lonely is just the worst.

We're here. Talk to us.

Petunia

[Gemstone]

{{{{ Crystal }}}}}

I'm sorry you are scared and feel uninformed.

Staying informed through the journal is a good idea. Thats what we do. I know you threw your pages again, but maybe you can start fresh?

New meds are hard. I am switching mine all around too.

Were here for you.

I haven't in a long time. I tried to on Monday, planned to, but then I chickened out.Vicki talked instead. I don't know what about. doesn't matter, T never asks about me anyway. I know it's all my own fault. If I didn't hide or erase myself maybe she'd remember me.
Ever feel like you are on IGNORE and everyone ignores you?? It's worse than invisable. At least invisible, they don't see you. Ignore, they see you but act like you don't exist. And it's hard with insiders acting like that.
But it is my fault. I know that.
I would like to change it, but it is very scary to even try. It's like not talking for a long time and then trying to talk again.
I'm afraid that if I try and talk to T nothing will come out. I'll just sit there and then I will fade away.
Do you think that if I write her a note and tell her I want to talk but can't, and maybe she can help. But I'm afraid I'll get scared and go away.
We have an apt. tomorrow night.

Do you think that if I write her a note and tell her I want to talk but can't, and maybe she can help.

I think that is an excellent idea. Can you do it now while there are a few of us here to be with you if you need us too?

I'll be back later. Need to breathe
Crystal

[Zorah]

Hi (((((Crystal)))))

I just came online, hope you are ok.



PM if you want to talk, that's a good idea about writing a note to t.

I'm back. we've been switching so much, so fast that it is hard to keep up. I am here, then gone. There's some meds for anxiety--klonopin--and I don't really know about it except to take at bedtime and when needed. Had a gin and tonic instead.

Too many triggers.
I don't want to deal with flashbacks, never mind real life right now.
Sounds stupid, but a friend of ours (W_I's) is going to have to put her dog down tomorrow. We were there last night saying goodbye. Ofcourse, she doesn't know about us being DID so she didn't know it was me who lay by Kaz and was talking to her. I really love this dog. She was almost ours, but H said we had too many already. But S took her and she was probably more loved than most except our dogs maybe pretty equal. S is really broken up. I don't want to hurt. It triggers alot of the loss pain from our life. It is too painful. So, maybe another drink??
What's the difference between taking a drug for anxiety and having another drink??
Crystal

[Zorah]

{{{{{Crystal}}}}}

We find that alcohol usually makes us depressed, except for

Raven. You might be better off taking the anxiety meds.

Took the anxiety meds.
Maybe some sleep.
I'll see T tomorrow. I will go this time. Vicki went Monday. I will write a note and tell her I need to talk just incase I really can't. Trick will be staying present.

[hillbunnyb]

Hon, alcohol is a poison. A tease. Camoflage. I'd go with the meds myself..... So sorry about your canine friend. Maybe you just need to go ahead and grieve, see what comes up. Journalling or just writing notes can help with keeping track while switching your brains out....... hang in there and keep us posted, ok?

[fgh]

<font color="purple"> Hello. I missed Christmas too. jj.

[shadowdancer]

((((((((((((((((Crystal and jj))))))))))))))))) since both of you missed Christmas. happy late christmas to both of you and happy new year too.

Crystal, I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. I know that it can be hard to try and re-enter life when you've tried so hard to stay away from it. I think it might be a good idea to try to tell the other insiders how you feel...maybe Vicki could help. Just let them know that you want to be in the loop some more even though right now you don't feel up to having all the responsibilities. I bet they could help. And I think giving T a note that you want to talk is an excellent idea. I don't think she's forgotten about you, I bet she is just waiting for you to decide that you want to talk again. she knows that you needed some time to hide away. I hope that she can help so that you can get out of this dark place soon. I'm very sorry about the loss of the dog...loss is hard and it is almost inevitably triggering. I hope that you take good care of you and be gentle with yourself during this difficult time. don't expect too much too soon and don't be so hard on yourself... it's not an issue of who's at "fault" because you feel left out...it's just something going on that upsets you and that needs to be worked out with help from the rest of the constellation and your T. don't worry about blame and fault...we have enough of that without trying to find more, right?

take care and I'm here if you ever want to talk. ((((((((((((((Crystal))))))))))))))))


shadow

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

(( safe hugs )))