Allowing the blackout...

I added a trigger icon because sometimes reading things like these triggers the feelings.***

Dx'd DID about 10 years ago... I get blackouts and always have. Not as intense as lately. Most of the time the blackouts come in phases when life gets to be too much. Only happens as long as I need it. I don't need it now but it's still happening.

I'm also seeming to possibly be developing co consciousness since sometimes I am aware of what is going on when I am not in control. But the blackouts still try to take over too... I'm thinking about letting them

I always struggle with "It is alters or is it something else?" and if I just let the blackout happen, maybe I will know. Tell my boyfriend "I'm going in, I'm not fighting it this time" and having him tell me what happens... I'm afraid... I don't have a t, no one wants to see me yet because I don't have money or insurance. I would prefer to do this with a t but I think it needs to be done. I know some will not feel comfortable telling me to do this, I'm not asking you to. Just wondering if perhaps it's something I should not do and what could possibly be effected by it?

I'm about to just give in to them for once, let them do as they wish... But I'm afraid...Aaahhh

Sorry for posting all the time, it's kinda been a crazy year for me! Thanks for any response

purpleflyingmonkeys..I cant tell you to give up and I cant tell you to continue fighting and trying to work towards awareness, groundedness. only treatment providers near you can tell you what to do about your mental and physical health issues.

even from the point of view of being a member here on this board I hesitate to tell you which direction to go. you have posted extensively about not knowing what the black outs are, not knowing whether you have a seizure disorder or not, and you dont have a treatment provider. so if I told you to do either one I could be telling you to do something that can do more harm than good.

only you and a qualified treatment provider can tell you what you should do about your mental and physical health problems including your having black outs.

I can how ever suggest you reread some of your past posts.

by reading your past posts I see that

when ever you have given up / thrown in the towel or what ever else you want to call it, you were either stuck and didnt know what to do or you back slid.

when you continued to work towards better mental or physical health you progressed and made amazing break throughs.

I would also like to suggest keep working towards getting in to see some mental and physical health treatment providers..

an idea what about going to your counties social services and getting the medi-cal insurance temporarily. I did some checking and since you according to your profile you live in weed california and you dont work (or did I miss your working, in a past post?) you are probably eligible for the medi-cal insurance. using the medi -cal insurance you can get in to see some treatment providers both medically and mentally.

heres a link to the mental health services covered by medi cal -

http://www.dmh.ca.gov/Services_and_Programs/default.asp

http://www.dmh.ca.gov/Services_and_P...ms/default.asp

AmandaLouise, I had a feeling I would get a response from you and I had a feeling it would be very similar to what you said. Because I know it's true. I know it's maybe something I shouldn't be playing around with. As you said, I can hope it's not a seizure disorder but until a doctor confirms it's not, I can't really play around. It just gets soo tiring fighting something I don't know. It's so strange how similarthe blackouts feel when my mood changes or I just lose time and the seizure or the fainting spell or things of that sort. It's so strange how they all seem to be the same thing but not at the same time. I guess it's not something I should mess with, I know it's not but it really does get frustrating. I know what I should and shouldn't be doing but when I get tired, as you said I give up when I get stuck and I'm stuck now.
I'm not in California, I live on the complete opposite side of the world and I am working but I keep my profile descriptions to a minimum because my ex often comes on here looking for my and my posts. He found out about pc before I left him and I've since had my screen name changed and such but I just keep that wrong in case he happens to come across the profile. I am "full time" which really means 32 hours a week. They are technically required to give me benefits since I'm full time but not until my probation is over. I've been here since August of last year and they never offered it. I quit in March and came right back to this job in July and have been here since July and they wont give me insurance until January when my probation is up and even that insurance is terrible and in all honesty, I can't afford the doctors appointments even with insurance. After bills, before food gas and such are taken out of my pay, I will only have 50 left for this week. I couldn't afford to lose a dollar to anything or it comes out my daughter food and I can't have that...

I am stuck, I don't know what to do and when I can't figure it out, I give up. I guess I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't play around and try to trigger a blackout but it's getting more and more tempting. I just want to know what it is. But if it does turn out to be a physical problem, triggering it would not be good... Ugh I really do need a t...

Im glad you are foreseeing any problems with the ex and have taken steps to protect yourself.

question (dont answer here in case it can lead to your location, just think on it and whether its a possibility for you) is there any crisis centers, salvation army, St vincent Du Paul, Christian centers, catholic, or any other denomination churches (for this kind of thing denominations dont usually matter) around you? if so now is when a lot of these types of agencies are asking and receiving donations in the form of food, clothing, toys and monetary values. if so they can help you with your food needs with their food pantry programs. check with your gas and electric companies, now is usually when they hook their clients up with the state gas, fuel and electric Vouchers. depending on your circumstances that can be anywhere between $100.00 to $500.00 applied directly to your heating and energy bills. Some of those same places give out emergency vouchers for medical and mental health services. here the local stores sometimes do raffles or door prize give aways that include all kinds of food, clothing and other needs and wants.

here my church just "sponcered" a woman who needed dental care, a child that needed their tonsils out and a guy who recently lost his job who needed help paying their rent. how that worked here is these people went to all the churches in the area and explained their situaiton, the pastor, reverend ...took their needs to the congregation, the congregation agreed to pass the plate on those peoples behalves every sunday for the month of november and december. this woman can now have her teeth fixed, the child goes in for surgery next week and the guy can stay in him home another 3 months.

the area mall has a christmas tree where anyone can write their "christmas wish" on an ornament made of paper. the wish can be anything. then the paper ornament goes back on the tree. then anyone in the mall takes an ornament off the tree and as a secret santa fullfills that wish. if you have a store or mall near you maybe that can also be an idea that can help you.