[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Possible trigger... You never know...

I don't know if this is the right place or if emotions will work but... Please feel free to move it if need be...

I've posted this before. Recently. I've been having some difficulty lately with remembering myself. Remembering my connections, remembering my emotions. It's rather irritating and seems to be getting worse slowly. Many times I just can't fit it together. I can't put the pieces together. I can't feel the right things. I know I should feel a certain way, I know I should be attached to certain people but there are moments...

They are strangers. I know the world about them and they know the world about me but we couldn't be more strangers if we had just met that day. This includes the closest family you could imagine. I lose the connection. I lose the memories. I don't feel like the person I am supposed to be. I don't feel like me. I spend so much time trying to figure it out. Trying to figure out how to feel like myself again. Not the feelings I had but just to feel like I belong to this body... But sometimes it seems impossible...

Any ideas on how to help this? I know find a t... Boy do I want to!!! I'm looking now but no luck yet... Thanks for any replies on helping would grounding skills work? So frustrating!!!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I think I'm losing myself... I think something is taking over and changing me and I'm losing who I am. I don't know who I will be. I don't know what will happen but I feel like I'm about to go over a cliff and someone else is about to take over the ride in my body.. I guess this is common for those with DID?

Gosh!!! Could this get any more confusing? Might as well call Dissociation "The most confusing thing in life"!!! Gosh!!!!

[alwaysrejoice]

I can't relate, honey, I'm sorry. But I do really feel for you. Is this feeling constant or does it come and go?

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((PurpleFlyingMonkeys))))

You are not alone and I can relate to how you are feeling. I do not know who I am or if I am at times. Holding onto the truths I have learned over the last few years is at times so hard and as if it slips away somewhere in eternity and I cannot remember.

I feel myself spinning often as if I am slipping away into myself and cannot stop this spinning. Downward into a deep hole somewhere and it has no bottom and it is dark. It feels like I am trying to hold onto something--a child, me perhaps--but they are slipping away from my graps.

Sometimes it feels the connections are all broken, the wires have been cut and they are so close to the edge that there is no way to reconnect them. And if they could be I do not know how to. I never knew they were supposed to connect in the first place. Sometimes it almost feels like the end but of what----me? But who am I?

You are not alone PFM I do hear you and I do get it. I am not sure where this is coming from but it has been coming for a while. My fears and anxiety seem to at times be more than even I can say and to explain it to anyone----I cannot. Time seems to slip away but I am unsure where it goes or where I go.

Then it seems it can lift even for moments and I can grasp just long enough to get a breath before I feel I am slipping away again. This constant feeling of back and forth feels so tiring in and of itself. Trying to hold on is so hard at times as it feels it pulls you away without warning, slamming one back again moments later.

I do hope that you find a t soon. I know that grounding skills work it is hard at times for us anyways to pull them up. It feels everything slips away sometimes even our words. It feels like a fog that we are enveloped in and walking through but no one knows we are there and it is thick, so thick to see even in front of us is not possible.

Just know you are not alone and we are hearing you. I know it is so hard and that it feels no one can understand or see, but we can. This may not have helped any, just wanted you to know you are not alone. Keep reaching out and posting as you can. Know that we care and are listening. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[dragonfly2]

(((PFM))) I'm sorry you're feeling so disconnected right now. Something that helps me stay connected to friends and loved ones is having photographs around the house. Like just now - I hadn't been thinking about my nephew at all, but I just looked up from my desk, and there he was, smiling at me. I smiled back. It sounds sort of simple, but sometimes it's the simple things that speak to our hearts the most clearly.

[wanttoheal]

I can relate to your post so much. Even my children become strangers at times. I do think it's all part of the territory.

For me, pictures don't do anything. I seem to have a block with pictures, even if I know who is in the picture. I can look at pictures of people and if I am in that space where I don't know who I am or they are, pictures don't help at all. But my children, knowing how I am, work to make sure I keep some kind of connection with them.

I do a lot of self talk and try to ground during these times, if I can. Sometimes I can't and just kind of float off, I guess. It's strange to me when someone calls me by my given name and I stand there thinking, who is that?

I don't have any answers other than try to ground, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone in this.

I am very shut down lately for some reason but please know I care.

[Hunny]

PurpleFlyingMonkey,

Thank you PFM for saying.

I can relate too and yet at this point I can not give you an example. You are likely right where you are supposed to be, is my guess.

I have a connection or lack of one (or two or so) that iappear to be being worked on internally and so there it is. Perhaps there will be a season where I can actually write or talk but not yet.

My desire is to join with others to let you know that we struggle together in a kind of way. Each day I do a few things that creates a kind of a grounding for me, like showering, brushing my teeth, etc. They are kind of routine and boring but so far so good.

Maybe I am walking down a new path as parts are being integrated or waiting to be integrated. Maybe this is 'the me of who I am'. It feels strange sometimes to have the whole world set before me when so many seem to have it settled.

New vistas! Oh yes ...and yet the old familiar disconnections. Who knew the disconnections would be a kind of comfort, in this regard. I know I still need to work on disconnections but for now I want to see joys (sorrows), love (apathy), peace (turmoil) ...at least for this day.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you all so so so much for your replies! They were so very helpful! I felt like I was going crazy, that my mind was going haywire but all of you... You're all such strong amazing people and to see that you (although I am sad that anyone has to) can relate to what I am going through helps so much! DPS Hunny and Purple, you've been around here for a long time and your posts are always genuine intellectual and so kind so thank you so much! I think the world of all of you and to hear you can relate, makes me feel much much much less crazy and much better about this. It's still scary and during those times it's still going to drive me crazy but right now, and for the time in between I don't think I'm going to feel so crazy any more

I get moments as well where I will be thinking something but not saying it. The thought runs across my mind but I don't intend on saying it. But sometimes my intention just doesn't happen. I catch myself saying it and the tone in my voice is changed slightly. I hear myself saying it but I'm not saying it. But it's my thought that is being said? Another strange thing that happens. I guess that could be related to DID as well. I was dx'd with it but my mind goes back and forth with whether I believe it or not because it seems my mom kind of got some sort of pleasure (although that's not a good word for it) out of things being wrong with me. Like now because I've had one seizure she wants to argue that the doctors may be wrong about them and I'm probably epileptic and will have them again. I've only had one... Way to be supportive mom! I love her though, she means no harm. I'm getting off topic now...

Things like that happened when my t was trying to get me co conscious. But at that time they weren't my thoughts that were being said. They were just words from someone else. I would hear myself say something but I didn't say it and never thought it... Now these things being said are becoming my thoughts but without my will to say them... It's another strange thing... I want to reply to all of the above posts but don't want to make everyone have to read a long post so I will post them all in different threads! Thanks again to everyone!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you for your reply always! It thankfully isn't anything constant. If it were I wouldn't be on here right now. When I feel that way, I'm not sure what brings it on but it only lasts for about 5 minutes. It comes and goes. Some days it happens a few times and other times I can go a few days without it happening. It seems like it comes out of no where and all of a sudden a switch turns off. I feel really confused and don't know why. Then I start to question who I am. I start to feel like I'm someone else. But at the same time I can still feel a little part of me. It's so hard explaining feelings. I start to feel like my life just started at that very second sometimes as well. It's strange, ever since I can remember when I was a child I always had this thought.

I thought that at any point time could start, it hasn't started yet or it could have just started 2 seconds ago and every memory we have were just memories put there to make you think you had a life before that second. It's confusing I'm sure but somehow it made sense to me. And when I get this strange feeling that I'm losing myself, that I'm about to be gone forever, that childhood thought runs across my mind. It somehow makes it worse feeding into it making me think "well no wonder you can't feel connections with these people, they are false memories. none of your memories are real". Am I crazy? I feel like it!!!!! It's like a war in my head with a million purple flying monkeys all trying to take me over. If that's the right way to explain it... I'm starting to get confused again. During these times I will look at my mom. I will know she's supposed to be my mom. But I feel like I have never spoken a word to her. There is a slight very faded and cloudy memory of her hidden in the back but it's so far away I can't see it. I'm very close to my mom and go see her all the time. But during these times, I couldn't tell you one thing about her and I couldn't tell you one conversation she and I ever had. She just feels like a stranger.

If it were constant I would probably be homeless and completely coocoo. I'm so thankful it isn't this way. When I feel that way, I know the proper way to behave in society and what people expect from me so to hide the feeling I just am robotic and it just looks like you're watching a terrible actor in their own life.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

((((DPS)))) thank you so much for your reply! Every word struck home with me. As I said above, I really value your opinion and your kind words and I thank you so much! The posts already have helped me so much!

"I feel myself spinning often as if I am slipping away into myself and cannot stop this spinning. Downward into a deep hole somewhere and it has no bottom and it is dark. It feels like I am trying to hold onto something--a child, me perhaps--but they are slipping away from my graps."

Those words hit me the most. The only way I can explain to my boyfriend how I feel is that I feel like I'm loosing myself to myself, that I'm falling into a deep hole in my own mind and at some point I don't know if I will be able to get out. I can't see down there and it seems like there is no end, I will just keep slipping further and further into myself until I'm gone completely from this world. I fight and fight and fight, I'm trying to hold on and I'm trying to keep me but I don't even know what it is I'm supposed to hold onto. I haven't told him this but I really don't know what I'm doing! I don't know what I need to hold on to. I don't know how to hold on, I don't know how to fight back, I don't know how to stay here and not slip into the hole. So for now I continue to try the only grounding skill I know... It seems to work for now...

It would make it a lot easier if I knew what I was holding onto. If I knew what was slipping away. But I don't know. I feel like I'm losing myself. It's so hard to explain and so hard for anyone else to understand. They've asked me "how do you lose yourself?" And it's so hard to explain. But it can be done. I just need to know what it really is that I'm losing I guess, or that I feel I'm losing.

It's so natural for me, all these insane things that happen in this small brain of mine. But I've been dealing with it my entire life, to one degree or another. It's strange to think that most people would be completely confused and completely un-understanding.

That's why it's nice to read that someone whom I can respect and someone who is so genuine intelligent and kind can relate to me. When no one else in this world can, it's comforting to know all of you and the others on pc can! Thank you again!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you for your reply dragonfly. I've never thought of using photos to help. When I feel so disconnected I can be looking at their face, hugging them even but just can't feel that connection, can't remember the connection. I never considered photos but it's definately worth a shot. We're moving tomorrow... Well gotta put a hold on the replies. As I typed that the apartments just called and said the paper work isn't complete and we might not be able to move until Thursday so I have to go get this figured out because we have no place to stay tomorrow night. I will be back soon to reply to everyone else, gotta get this apartment thing done.

[anderson]

( ( ( PFM ) ) )
We call that the swinging door syndrom. Were we are switching yet being aware of the moment. in alot of ways it can be a blessing but when it seperates us from even the good things in life it can be very overwhelming.
just wanted u to know u are not alone.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I wonder if it's them... It's so hard to know... Wondering if it's actually personalities that cause the voices and the blackouts or if it's some other unknown to me at this moment cause. It is just so frustrating! I need to know the cause to know the best way to treat it it seems. Without any t or pdoc wanting to help me I'm on my own at the moment. So what do I do? The times are getting more and more frequent where I am dissociating. I am getting spacey. Things seem kinda real I guess... Just not real to me. Like I know they are happening but I'm so far away from them they aren't happening to me, even though It's happening to my body. Like I will be walking into the next room and I know and kind of feel myself walking but it seems like my body is so far away from my mind that it's not happening to me. Same thing with what I've been saying about speaking. I will say a full sentance... Not really something that I wouldn't say any other time, but something I did not intend to say. But my body says it and it seems so far away it's like I said it but I didn't. Does it even matter? Does figuring it out help? I seem to manage alright. That's all we really can do sometimes. I just put one foot in front of the other. I can't change it, I can't make it stop and I can't make it better when no doctor wants to help me. So what can I do? Do I even need to do anything? Is there a way to live normal with all of this? Is there a way to learn to manage life when you can't remember who you are? I feel like I'm getting alzheimers and I'm only 24!

Can't things just keep going? What happens if I ignore this? What happens if I just push it all down, not say anything and just pretend like it doesn't happen? Pretend that it's normal? It's what I've been doing with other things. I see things all the time now. I feel the earth move under my feet all the time now. I lose balance and feel as if I'm ona ship out at sea. I hear things. I "imagine" things. I hear people say things, I know for sure people say things but they deny 100% saying them. I'm wrong, I have to be because this is a common issue with many people. I guess I imagine they say things and it seems real to me and I believe they say it and they really didn't. So is anything real any more? Is the world? Am I? Are you? Are you me? Are we the same? I am feeling blackouts trying to happen more and more.

I feel them trying to take over. I fight it. I keep here. I ground myself, I mentally glue myself to my body and I refuse to budge. Until I know, until I have help in understanding, I just don't know what else to do. I've often wondered if perhaps this newish (happened few times before just not as frequent) feeling of not being me, of not controlling me is perhaps a product of fighting the blackouts. Could it possibly another chapter in my DID book, or perhaps a new twist to change the book? It's so confusing!

I will post more on the other replies very shortly but first, I must take a cig break before I get emotional!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I wonder... Should I just let the blackout take over? Should I just let it consume me? I've wondered that and decided for it before. But I have hoped a t or pdoc would be there since medical problems have sometimes come up during a blackout, seizure, fainting etc. Not always but sometimes. Under extreme stress those have happened. While I feel somewhat stable should I just let the darkness take over momentarily so I can find out what happens when it's not extreme stress? Like have my bf stay with me and take care of me while I'm gone? But how do I come back once I've let it take over? I've thought about just giving in and not fighting it any more... It wouldn't take my life, I pray it wouldn't, I could use a vacation but not a forever one. How do you come back once you're gone?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Want, thank you so much for your reply! Grounding really is the best thing for when this comes up, the best I've seen so far! I do just float off and sometimes I just don't have the will to fight it. I just let it take me around. It's like I'm here but I'm in the clouds far far away. Then it's like I'm physically here but how quickly my thoughts become "well who is 'I am' anyways?" and it's so strange how fast it happens, I'm left in a fog, memories so vague, it's like you're looking at your memories from a extremely foggy window.

Knowing I'm not alone, knowing that some of the most respected, in my eyes, DID sufferers on this page can understand and relate to me, makes me have hope instead of fear for what is happening to me right now! Thank you so much want, your opinion and words are always always appreciated!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Hunny, another wonderful wonderful soul on this site! Thank you so much for this reply! After reading all of the replies from all of you... It really gives me hope over fear. Perhaps this new feeling is a step in the healing direction. Unmedicated I have never been this aware of my surroundings or this "out" while another was out before. I've always just blacked it out unless I was on meds. On meds I would often experience things similar but I wasn't connected to my body. I was in the depersonalization phase pretty intense and out of body experiences were non stop watching myself from outside of my body. Now I am still in my body and although I can't control my body, I feel the control point getting closer and closer slowly. At least for now I am staying with my body as well, even if I'm being pushed far out while something/someone/whatever is coming out is out. At least I'm not gone completely so I'm thinking is this new phase really that bad? Or could it be a good sign?

It's difficult. I read online about those who have integrated and how they get flashbacks and their memories back when they integrate... I haven't had that at all. But I do get very very brief moments very very rarely of a blackout. Maybe just a fraction of a second every once in a while but it's the furthest I've ever gotten to recovering those memories, if that's what I want to do and I'm not so sure. But I just assumed that they would come, like they left. I would have a flashback and feel like I was there again, think I was there in a psychotic episode where I thought it was happening again and the entire event became known to me... This is what I expected from recovering memories so now it makes me wonder if these fractions I get every now and then are real or just my mind making them up to fill the void. I need a t lol!

But at least they aren't black anymore! Let me knock on wood because I do feel the blackouts try to come frequently. But I've learned the grounding skills and have really been trying so hard to make them work and they seem to be doing the job thus far!

Thanks again for the reply hunny, it's always wonderful to hear from you!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

And thank you anderson! I completely see what you mean about a blessing but at the same time can cause discomfort and worry. It's scary and makes me feel like I'm losing myself. Makes me wonder if one day I will just be gone and someone else will have taken over forever. But at the same time... I have a feeling this may be a step in the healing direction, I've not yet developed coconsciousness so this seems to be a step in that direction to me and after dealing with blackouts for 20 years, it's nice to finally at least sometimes know what's going on when I can't control it instead of coming back asking "What just happened? What the heck happened?"