[Anj0]

My T is pushing for me to try integration. Almost everyone is against it because they do not want to disappear. Has anyone else had any success with this? Thanks.

One big (almost always) happy family

[SophiaG]

THey wouldn't dissapear though, they'd always be a part of you.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Anj0

My T is pushing for me to try integration. Almost everyone is against it because they do not want to disappear. Has anyone else had any success with this? Thanks.

One big (almost always) happy family

I am successfully integrated. let me explain a bit -

for me it wasnt a choice that my alters and I could choose to do or not. where I am and with the therapist and psychiatrist I have, the mental health community believes integration is literally the process of mixing together, making whole, processing information.

every time you remember something your brain is processing that memory putting it together with the facts of your life.. example I always knew from the family taking I was allergic to thyme. but I never remembered the actual experience of going into the allergic reactions. one day I had a panic attack where I was having trouble breathing. the forgotten memory became "integrated" by coming to the surface where my therapist and I could deal with it.

here where I live and work it is believed integration is happening every time I go to therapy. I go to my therapist to talk over a problem and find solutions. whatever process we use my brain is putting the problem in perspective and putting the elements of that problem in order, and formulating solutions.

integration happens in my work place and in my home life. examples when a group of us get together to talk about work problems, family problems or just have fun together..

integration happens on an educational level too. the teachers teach their own individual lessons, the students brains take what they are learning and put it together to form the knowledge they need for their adult careers and life.

what Im saying is that I have learned integration is just a huge word that means putting things together. what is put together can be anything.. my breakfast, my daily plans, my problems, my emotions, my memories.. anything.

now you take this belief that mental health treatment providers have around here where I live and work and receive my therapy..

Pinky (alter) shares the memory of my being allergic to thyme with me during a panic attack. my brain took that information and put it together with the facts... my brother having to go for the doctor, while my parents did everything they could to keep the air going into my body. the doctors documentation of having to perform a tracheotomy on my parents kitchen table because there wasnt time to take me an hours drive to the nearest hospital. the hospital records stating all that they did to stabilize me and the allergy testing to find out what exactly caused the allergic reaction.

that memory is now integrated (remembered, put with the facts and processed with my therapists help.)

Pinky is still here inside of me, just like she was before my brain walled her off using dissociation because that night I thought I was going to die.

Pinky and I are now one whole person working together as a team for the best of me and my whole system.

DID alters cant die or go away forever. they were a part of you before you dissociated, they are a part of you and your system now that you are all separated, and when you all integrate they will still be there.

[Anj0]

Is Pinky still "separate" or now part of a whole. I guess I am having problems getting everyone, especially my little's or children, to accept and recognize they will not disappear but also will not be able to come out when they want, they will be part of the whole (which I know they are now but they don't see it that way). Did any of your alters put up a fight or argue with you?

Since there are no new alters I know that we are integrating new experiences now to a point. But not all alters get the same new memory.

Does this make sense?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Anj0

Is Pinky still "separate" or now part of a whole. I guess I am having problems getting everyone, especially my little's or children, to accept and recognize they will not disappear but also will not be able to come out when they want, they will be part of the whole (which I know they are now but they don't see it that way). Did any of your alters put up a fight or argue with you?

Since there are no new alters I know that we are integrating new experiences now to a point. But not all alters get the same new memory.

Does this make sense?

yes you are making sense. Pinky and the others are now part of a whole..one of the examples my therapist used in getting me (the host) and the alters that went through a panic as each one became one with me was glasses of water. she took a pitcher of water, poured that one pitcher of water into glasses, and added separate things to represent each individual alter - this one boiling hot, that one ice cold, this one hot but not boiling and that one cold but not freezing, this one room temp, this one sweet and that one salty to represent me and the alters. then one by one she poured them all into a pitcher. first she poured the room temp one (me the host) in, then she added one by one the alters. telling and showing how each one added their volume of memories, feelings, emotions to us all. all those old memories, emotions, feelings were now being experienced by all as one whole body of water (one whole person) then she added new water to represent new memories, feelings and emotions to illustrate even though none of us are separate any longer we would all experience the new emotions, memories and feelings as one body of water, never to be separate again. there was no need for each one to be separate and "come out" have time in control of me because they would experience everything through my eyes, ears and other senses.

no none put up a fight. a few got a bit upset because dysfunction was our normal and normal was strange and confusing. each one going their separate ways and doing their own things was our normal and being one whole person working together was strange. But there wasnt a fight because for us integration happened naturally by their sharing memories, feelings, emotions. For us it wasnt a choice to integrate or not it just happened as we went along.

for a while some did get only a few new memories at a time because their jobs, reasons to be were so drastically different than another alters but eventually it was all working together as a team.

I know they are still there because I can now remember going through that thyme allergy situation. If Pinky wasnt there with me neither would that memory, Shes the one that held that memory.

It takes time, *lots* of time but it does work out.

[Crew]

Hey (((((Anj0))))

I have been in treatment for many years and as bad as your T wants to push towards integration, it can not happen without your system/body until YOU are ready for it. IF your T is pushing, imo, your T may be putting it up for you to see that integration is possible. It will happen and it will be okay when you all Choose to Integrate. No one can make you. In fact that usually comes at the end of therapy. Good luck and remember our T's are only guides. It is you an I that have to pick what the T's choose to give us and only then can we listen to ourselves and allow to be guided by your therapist.

I learned this when I went into the hospital to work just on integration and our T in patient said "integration" happens in its own time. That ought to be the last you have to deal with even though, it is ALL your decision.

Good Luck,
Crew

[anderson]

AnjO,
Re: Intergration
We send lots of stuffies for the littles and big soft blankets for the biggers.
Those within me have been working on healing for long time.
The T's that helped us the most were the ones that accept the fact that we had to do that on our own and be able to work with each other as a unit before intergration took place natural on its own.
the first important thing is safety both within and with the T.
By allowing those within to have a say and the knowledge that they are heard it allows them to heal and grow together as one or a working team.
good luck!

[lizardlady]

Anj0, I'm going to echo what others said. Alters don't go away when we integrate. I can still tap into each of my alters if I want. It's like they all fit together rather than standing separate from each other. Think of a 3D puzzle. The parts all lock together to create a whole object, but each piece still exists too. Does that make sense?

[Hunny]

AmandaLouise (of course including pinky too)

What a wonderful explanation. (Maybe it's like osmosis too. It is not alway recognizable because it is so subtle). But the images you provided via your therapist and little Pinky and thyme are really lovely. I mean the personalities are really living live parts and can run the gamut but in this case the image of everyone living together harmoniously (for the most part) is truly lovely, just lovely! Thanks! I'd just like to thank the ones who made the choice to find healing Amandalouise. It took great courage for them to step out and the others followed. It is good to be aiming for the goal and take as long as it takes as Crew stated and to just learn how to be average on a day by day basis. I am not sure I would use the disappear word either as the process is so slow and subtle and like Anderson said learning how to take care of one/s is what works the best, slowly but surely.

Great thread Anj0. I will never be the same but I am and will be better.