A simple smell... Am I loosing it?

I considered posting this in the PTSD forum and really wasn't sure and thought maybe it should go here. If it would be better in the PTSD section, I don't mind it being moved.

***Trigger warning***

So last night I kissed my boyfriend as I always do. It was just really strange. Not kissing him at all, that's always great and all but the smell and the taste... Were very familiar. Not his normal smell or anything. The smell reminded me of someone else but I couldn't put my finger on who. The smell/taste kind of took over me and before I knew it I was feeling somewhat like a child. Everything (including him) started to scare me and I wanted to run away. I panicked but realized what was happening and tried to control myself and ground myself. It helped but now I can't stop thinking about that smell and why it had such an effect on me.

It was the smell of his breath. Not alcohol (he hardly ever drinks and not much) it wasn't the taste of food or anything, just the natural breath I guess it was. It wasn't the same as it normally was. I could tell I had smelled that and tasted that before but couldn't figure out where.

So now I'm confused why, and am here to ask a question... Lately it seems I've been having these kind of flashbacks (the reason I say it can be moved) if that's what you want to call it (as said before in previous post) of things I don't understand. I feel like I was when I was younger, but I can't tell you where or what it's coming from, like I can't tell you that I'm feeling like I did back on so and so day because I don't know what's causing it or caused it. I don't remember that taste or smell but it's strangely familiar. I don't remember any scary moments from that but I felt like there was something to be afraid of and am guessing the smell/taste is what triggered that.

I've had a lot of blackouts. I'm thinking maybe these feelings could be from times when I blacked out but IDK, it's just been happening more and more. 6 days until I see my doc... Wish it was today

Sum it all up... Questions:
1. Can you have a flashback of something you don't even remember?
2. Would this even be considered a flashback?
3. How do you know you can trust these feelings and that you're not just crazy for freaking out over a simple smell?

Thanks for any input, as always, sorry it's so long

PurpleFlyingMonkeys:
first off...warm and safe(((*HUGS*)))to you!!!

1. Can you have a flashback of something you don't even remember?
Now this is in my experience with having a life made up of a series of flashbacks from my past...yes...it happens to me a lot...so i really understand how confusing and just plain awkward this is...because...it just doesnt seem like it really happened...for me anyway...its almost as if you are in a dream and you cant get out of it...but again this is my own personal exprience...so i dunno how effectively i am at answering these questions...i dont want you to have to feel alone...because this question is a great question that i very rarely think about even myself...and you describing this made the light shine in my head...so anyway...

2. Would this even be considered a flashback?
I would say that what you have experienced is more of a tactile/sensory type of flashback...and...once that smell/taste registered in your brain as being familiar...that triggered a response in your brain to fire off certain memories that you may or may not have ever remembered before let alone still to this day...so basically what happened was...you were triggered by your own senses because it brought back certain memories in which you to this day still have yet to remember...this sounds like what happens to me as well...a lot!!!so going back to your first question...yes i do believe that you can have a flashback of something you dont remember...and

3. How do you know you can trust these feelings and that you're not just crazy for freaking out over a simple smell?
well just acknowledge what how and why you are feeling the way you do...and for someone else it may just be a simple smell...but in this case this smell triggered/caused a flashback of something that you are both familiar with yet not quite aware of where it stemmed from...well i hope that this makes a little bit more sense and that i didnt totally confuse all to pieces even more...well take care...and see ya around...sending warm and safe(((*HUGS*)))

P.S.now i am sorry this is soo long...and also...i love how organized you are!!!

1. yes flashbacks can be of something you dont even remember.
2. yes in some people this can be considered a flashback...

it can also be called many different things depending upon many different factors .. such as hallucinations, stress, dissociation, switching into alters, being in touch with the inner child, physical health problems like dehydration, anemia... you know all my typical responses to something like this

3 by contacting a treatment provider and discussing it with them.

this same problem in me was all the above reasons and more..

I know I said it before but we cant diagnose each others problems so the only way to know whats going on with anyone that has these kinds of problems is by contacting their treatment providers.

You're both so organized! It's great.

Sorry to hear about the flashbacks, though, Purple. I have similar ones, especially when kissing my boyfriend. Nine out of ten time, when it happens, I go straight to kid mode. Though I have some vague clues as to why, it's taken a long time to deduce them and they're still just that, vague. Our minds are amazingly skilled at hiding things from us.

I think it's good that you're able to separate your relationship from these flashbacks. It speaks strongly of your character, as does your persistence in seeking out answers to what it is going on inside you. You're a strong, beautiful person, Purple. I wish so much good for you.

( ( ( PURPLE ) ) )
there are times that we start rememmbering an event by small flash backs. If the trigger is bad enough the alter attached to the memior may surface until the fear is dealt with.
Just wanted to let you , your not alone.
sorry not to organised but still sending safe thoughts your way.

Thanks for all of the replies . I've been working on a list of things to bring to the doctor. I've been keeping a journal since I had the seizure in August of everything I've been dealing with. I'm not as organized journaling so it's gonna be a bit difficult to read and relate over to him but it's better than nothing. I figure I'll go at it with a highlighter and get all the main points that need to be discussed. I have about 20 minutes with him and wont be able to get back in for 3 months again.

Last night was pretty difficult. Woke up at 1am to use the restroom. When I got back into bed my stomach started hurting and I started feeling nauseated. Within a minute of laying down I went from zombie still 1/2 sleeping mode to full blown panic attack . Tried to calm myself down and it didn't work. Started pouring sweat (had the ac on so it was cold) and went for my last 5mg Valium (which was broken in 1/2, I only take 1/2 to make them last longer in the long run). The valium was not even 2 feet from the bed and within 5 seconds of standing everything started to get black. This made things worse . The room was spinning, I felt like I was on a merry go round and wasn't able to see. I threw myself onto the bed as sometimes when I feel this way I will faint or the one seizure so I just threw myself onto the bed so I didn't fall. I had the valium but nothing to drink with it. I started to sit up but just opening my eyes and everything was still spinning. Things were getting dark even when I was laying down. So I had to wake my boyfriend up and he ran into the kitchen and got me some water. He's so helpful I took the valium and it took about 5 minutes and the dizziness and everything went away. I went back to sleep.

I think I know where it came from . All I'm trying to do right now is connect the dots. I couldn't understand at first why I had the panic attack but then I remembered . I have a 3 year old. Last night her cousins stayed the night at our house and small things they were doing were reminding me of unpleasant childhood days and they were exposing my child to this even though it wasn't anything extreme or anything and they were just being kids and such it really set me off last night and it took all I had to keep myself together. I think that's why I woke up and had the panic attack.

I see the doc on Wednesday, it's been a long wait . I wish he had some kind of psychological training to help sort everything out with me. Like.. I get stomach pain about 5 days out of every week. I thought it was from dairy and I've cut that out but the pain is still there, just not as much. Still 5 days out of the week instead of non stop every day. It could be a physical issue but than I have other pains... Pains in other areas that have never been able to be explained by physical doctors. And this pain I get in my rib cage every now and than. It feels like someone hit me really hard, when I touch my rib it feels like it's bruised but when I pull my shirt up, nothing is there and I didn't get hit or anything that I can remember when this happens. It happens somewhat frequently but not all the time. I also sleep walk and have woken up with cuts all over my legs and my feet black from walking barefoot outside in the rain and such. That happened last year.

I am noticing my triggers more and more and it really seems like everything is a trigger for me. I don't know why but I wont even realize it's happening until it's over and I have time to look back and reflect. It's all a huge mess and I don't think I will get it figured out unless I get a t. But right now I'm down to 18 hours a week at work so I can't even afford the t that I was gonna find so hopefully I will find another soon....


Thank you for your response Amanda, I considered all the reasons you gave before. Some of them very well can be what was happening which is why I wanted ideas from others, see if they thought the same as I did on what it was. It's been happening a lot lately.

Another time that I JUST remembered about last night too... I frequently wake up late at night and it was a few minutes after I fell asleep last night I was startled awake. Not sure why but something jolted me awake. I opened my eyes and looked around and was the most confused I had ever been in my life. Didn't know who what or where I was. Didn't know what anything was for that matter. I just looked around and nothing at all made sense. It freaked me out until I rolled over. Looked at my boyfriend for a minute and was still confused but when I reached out to touch him, to see what he was, everything clicked back. I remembered everything but the memory went in and out for a second. I'm used to waking up late and have no trouble going back to sleep once I'm calm to I went right back to sleep. Guess that;s why I didn't remember until just now.

Blossom, thank you so much for your reply. You could be right about it being a "tactile" thing, perhaps it was a "tactile hallucination" as I do have those from time to time when my schizophrenia is getting worse and it appears it has been lately... But your response was very helpful and not at all confusing.

Leaflace, thank you for your response, I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with your boyfriend. I've been struggling with that more lately as well. I fight through it though, the way I look at it, I love him, I know it's all me and not him, so I don't want him to feel like it's him. So I kind of create a wall when he's here I put up that wall and keep everything in that needs to be kept in and everything out that needs to be out. I try to force all the bad feelings away and for the most part I can. But I still have to fight it all the time. I wish it didn't seem like it was him that caused the feelings but I know it would if I let him see the feelings and I don't want that. So I block them. It has been getting harder to do so in the last 6 months though. I hope you can work this out with yourself so you can have a more comfortable relationship

Anderson, thank you as well for your response, it's always wonderful hearing you are not alone, perhaps that was the only reason for me posting this... I had questions but generally I'm looking to make sure I'm not alone in this. I feel like I'm going mad, like at any given moment I will lose all my memories and never regain them. I'm fearful that I will go into panic mode and never get out, I will hit a schizophrenic phase and never be set free of the dilusions. When you hear your not alone, you know there has to be a way out somehow. It gives you hope so thank you!

Last night was difficult, I really wish this would just go away. I'm safe now, I have a chance to be happy, but my past is keeping happiness from me still, does it ever end?

Last night was bad... After 8 hours posting on pc, I think I'm going to be ok this time... I really don't want to wake up the way I did last night though... So afraid to sleep now... But even more afraid not to sleep. When I'm low on sleep I tend to drift far away. It'll be fun... Work work work on getting rid of all my anxiety triggers and realizing just what they are only to have new triggers thrown in. Never ends...

I didn't think I was this unstable until last night... I've got to shut it down before it gets too far. I've opened a lot of my doors internally to get answers but these doors seem to be driving me into a much worse mental state. I have to close the doors. The thing I loved, through all of the pain I can feel the most pleasure as well. I feel things 20 times worse than others but feel things 20 times better than others. My mind is never ending, no question too big or too hard to think on or to solve. No problem too hard for me. But with that comes so much. So many memories trying to surface. So many things blocked by others and even blocked by myself that keep surfacing so I think I've got to stop.

I think I'm going back into auto pilot mode. Robtronic... Brainless... But painless...