Have you ever wanted to express all of you but didnt know how? I feel like I would really like to explain me, but I don't now how without making it sound like DID. I figured the best way is to get your feedback since this forum are for those with dissociative disorders of different kinds.

The first thing is I don't think I have DID. I don't lose time. I don't have diff voices or anything (pardon me if im offending anyone).
I do however, feel like I have different ways of relating to myslef and the world that are linked chronologically to developmental stages. When I am in different enviornments, different ways come up.
- The functional me is acting most of the time. Im in grad school so I am always multitasking and getting things done. Its like maybe having a whole box of cassette tapes, each with their various sounds that are needed at different times. The functional tape is going most of the time during the day at school. Sometimes thought there is under the a low hum of another tape pressing through but usually never becomes the dominant sound. For each tape, I can place an age on it that would reflect me.

When I get home, usually im trying to keep the functional tape still playing, but the DJ of sorts (which is just my way of saying there is an inner control) that turns up the sounds on the other tapes and the functional tape gets turned down a bit. Sometimes its dualing for which is going to be "louder". Again I don't lose time, I'm very aware. The only thing different is how I relate to myself and others... its just sorta a perception on life maybe? For instance when I go to bed, sometimes there is one that doesn't like sleeping in my bed, but likes sleeping on the floor, in a corner or in the closet. Its so wierd, b/c again, I'm usually present and I fight or ignore the volume of the tape but occassionally I give in, turn my sound down, and relate to the world with this fear and helplessness of when I was a kid.

Why do I care now?
In therapy.. now that I've seen my T consistently, I can have a different tape playing then an hour b4 when I was at school. It takes a while for me to turn that down. In addition, I don't feel authentic in relationships. Most see just a few tapes. Am I supposed to move between with friends? At what level in the friendship does it become ok? I'm not sure what that should look like. I think the "tapes" im describing are just emotions maybe. Its very compartmentalized and I'm not sure about a current new relationship that I've let more tapes play together. Its me but has hints of the sad, scared ?

I'm primarily worried about that. Its like im losing control. I told someone who I know about my ED. Normally I would be scared to death. I wasn't at all, but I wasnt relating from the competent me. I'd say there was a 12 year old tape more loud wanting acceptance.

(so sorry this is so long). I want to address this, but I don't want it to appear that I have DID. I'm not saying my T is stupid, hopefully she will know the difference, but how to I state this accurately.

I think you did a great job describing it here. How about printing this off and showing it to your therapist. That way you din't have to worry about how to address this in therapy.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((EV))))))))))))))

you explained that so well with NO OFFENSE perceived!

OK. I'll tell you what t told me.

T told me that everyone is parted...for instance, he has the part of him who is his mother's son, the part that gets gas at station, the part that is a t, the part that is his wife's hubby, and the part that goes out with the guys. So, everyone is parted to that degree where environment pulls out different reactions, thoughts and aspects of the same mind.

Then there a people like me who trauma has separated those parts completely.

Then there are people who've dealt with trauma, etc., where the parts are just slightly separated more than the average person, etc.

I hope that helps sweetie.

KD

[(JD)]

I, too, think you did a good job of explaining so far!

It is obvious to me that you are still unsure of some of what you feel, and unsure of how you would react to finding anything different than what you now believe. Like... you say this with assurance but also hesitate in case it isn't quite true?

Why not print this off, if you're able, and take it to your T? At the least, copy what you posted and share it with T.

That you have continuity of time is a good thing! That you have that sense of what aspect of you (the 12 year old tape) is in control, or wanting it, is another good thing. imo.

Don't be afraid of who you are, what you feel or think, and that at different times you may want different things (even at the same time!) Nothing you are is a bad thing

Allow yourself some down time. It sounds to me like after a day of working you deserve to relax, yet that work ethic you have won't let you. It's ok...maybe rearrange your personal time, with the help of your T? That might give yourself some permission to play any "tape" you want!

got your pm. One back atcha. Hang in there.

Thanks all,

I just sorta re-worded a bit the post and emailed it to my T. I just feel conflicted b/c on one hand I believe that this is normal, thus doesn't need to be brought up. On the other hand, I'm concerned, it feels out of control, and I really don't know that others feel like this. So for a few years in therapy, I avoid bringing it up b/c its like I feel like if i acknowlege it I'm saying its not normal, thus claiming to have an issue. I just can't find a way to place my problem, and it feels like my options don't fit. Thanks for the input everyone!!!

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((EV))))))))))))))

how brave of you! fantastic self care!

i can't say whether your experience is on the normal, or not, end. I can say...if it feels that you don't have control of these emotions, thoughts, etc., you've certainly done the right thing by bringing this up to t.

if it feels out of control, aware or not, it's something that should be looked at.

good luck, sweetie, and don't EVER hesitate to pm.

kd

[(JD)]

Good call, (((esther)) I have a lot of "normal" feelings that I don't recognize as that... often due or connected to my accident. It's perfectly fine to discuss them with T, in fact, that's what he's there for!!!! Helping us adjust to what we think and feel (and changing those that need it.)

Now, you can't do anything more about this till you see T again, try and distract yourself from anything distressing. TC

She didn't even mention it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I emailed her. Today at counseling She referred to all the stuff I wrote about my friend, but nothing about how I relate to myself. I don't know if that means im wierd, its not important, she doesnt believe me, she doesnt ?? i don't know. I left sorta sad today .

[silver_queen]

Perhaps she forgot to mention it. Perhaps she was waiting to see if you would raise the issue? Perhaps mention it in your next session if she doesn't send you an email discussing it?

she read it...she just mentioned the other parts in the letter. makes me feel ignored sorta

Sometimes therapists have to choose between one hard topic and another hard topic. When my therapist would read my journals she would go through and pick out one or two things in what I wrote to talk about. Not because she was ignoring the rest but because of the time it takes to spend on things. Also sometimes thing I write about my therapist would want to run ideas and so on past her supervisor before talking with me about something, or do her own research so that she had resources to give me and other times its because my therapist would want me to tell her things face to face instead of writing it down and having her read it (I can write up a storm but talking the words don't always come she thought it was time that I start saying things to her not at her in my journals.) and still other times she would read my journals but when we got together something else needed to be taken care of. For example some time ago I had wrote her a letter explaining my self hypnosis/relaxation work. we made plans to start including it in my sessions. At my last session we had made plans to do another relaxation tape. In between then and when I saw her I was notified about the upcoming yearly review court hearing and some things about my sons treatment plans two rocks - take care of working towards the end of a nightly nightmare or take care of the present issues of court and my son. Given the choice between dealing with the past or the present the present wins first place and the past wins second place.

Maybe she wants you to tell her things instead of just writing them especially about this kind of thing. You might just have to tell her face to face you want to talk about this.

Maybe timing is the problem -. Sometimes certain topics take more than 50 minutes. Ask her if you can schedule a longer time slot so that you can talk about this.

The friends relationship is from the present time frame issues and the other issues stem from past experiences. Maybe she is choosing to keep or get your present on track before tackling the harder and more in depth work that stems from the past.