[SongBirdandDaisy]

I must apologize for my anger right now.

But, why did this happen to me? Why can't I get it? Why can't I have a normal life like everyone else? I have never experienced LIFE, just my safety version of it. I want to live and don't know how!!!!!!! I try and figure things out and make more of a mess of things. So dumb am I!

T says trust my judgement. Yah, that's always worked well for me. I don't get what judgement is. I don't get what a gut feeling is. Mine are all askew because of the poor foundation of my belief system. Someone please give me a belief system that I can go by.

Ugh! GGGRRR! BooHoo! Scream!! and Scream again!!

[January]

(((((((((((((((((( Songbird & Daisy )))))))))))))))

I hope you feel better soon.

Hugs,

Jan

I much feel the same.

*stamps with you*

Boo, Hiss to these problems.

[(JD)]

(((hugs)))) Ok... how about... ummm beginning right now, tonight... with who you are right now...not who you have been or what has happened. Can you believe you are a good person, who means to do good? That's a good start!

[SongBirdandDaisy]

**stamp stamp** **squish squish** **bam bam bam bam bam**

**stomp some more**

Songbird

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Thanks Jan, I hope so too.

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Sky,

Do you mean, start a new life from right now? Make this a new morning?

I will try.

But, I don't know how to "live"! My life has been nothing but survival and reaction and protection. I don't understand what it means to have choices and be able to give my life direction? It's like it's beyond my paradigm or something.

Songbird

[hillbunnyb]

Yeh, life in triage gets pretty old pretty fast, huh? When I was a young adult and became cognisant that hard choices actually counted as choices, whew, was I disappointed!!!!!

The challenge is to find bits of sweetness in our bitter pills. Then, to focus on them, the goodies, to block out the kakas, and make that a habit.....

At one point, I was soooo overwhelmed by all the things I couldn't do, all the dreams for my life that I had not the mind or body or emotional stamina to pull off......... dang, I was depressed! I felt little and useless. My life was blowing away without me.... I was not a happy camper.

Then one bleak cold dark rainy day I was inspired to make a list of all the things I could do. Everything, from making decent spaghetti sauce on through rescuing hummingbirds, being a good driver, a good friend, etc.. It turned out to be a pretty long list that took many days of contemplation to complete. I had to shift my perspective and give myself credit in ways I had not ever thought of before.

My value is not in making money, or having a 9-5 job, or being married with kids. NOT possible. Eleanor Roosevelt, a wonderful, compassionate First Lady, who took a lot of heat cause she wasn't a looker, said something to the effect that nobody can make you feel crappy about yourself unless you let them....... self esteem. Us'ns have quite an extra challenge
in this department.

I think yer wonderful.

(((Songbird))))
I think Sky is onto something. I am beginning to learn that while the past is important in it's way, learning how to live in the present is just as or more so. Today is today. I take it one day at a time. I do today. I learn something new or try something different. I have to keep reminding myself and the others that there is nothing to harm us now. It's not a question of "survival" anymore. It's about beginning to LIVE.
Our T had us make a list of things that were self calming and what we liked to do. This is a "group" activity. I went to the SI board here and found a really good list of "things to do instead of harming", then found another someplace else. We compiled our own list from that.

Now we are to do something from that list every day. Write down what we did and how we felt when we did it--before and after and how long we did it.

Naomi does most of this work right now. She's a bit OCD so when she gets into something, she will work on it for a really long time--yesterday she worked in the garden for 4 hrs. Body is very sore and tired today. She's between 17 and 19, the body is 50+.

Hillbunny has a great thought too. And one of the things on the list is making a list of good qualities, things you like to do, things you can do. Positive things. Helps the focus go from the "I can'ts, don't know hows, I'm no goods..." to "I can, I do know, I'm worth something..." Very much a change in thinking from what we were taught, heard, and expected...

This is long, but I hope that there are things in here you can use. It didn't happen over night, believe me. We're nearly 9 mos into this DX and others fight it all the way. Naomi is just beginning to come around to working. Give yourself some credit for surviving first and then go from there.
w_i

[Mahali]

Good advice from some wise and caring people. Just wanted you to know I read and can relate and care.

The solution to the anger and frustration has always seemed just out of reach.

[SongBirdandDaisy]

hillbunny

Thank you for the support and the good advice. I will try and incorporate these things into my daily living. I know, easier said than done, but if I try . . . . .

Thanks again,hugs

Songbird

[SongBirdandDaisy]

white iris

I know you are right and have good points. I appreciate you sharing with me. I will try these things. I try to keep the thought that there is hope. Sometimes it just gets so confusing and so overwhelming that I can't think straight. I've a migraine this morning. Saw T last night and did hypnotherapy with Snowbird and she is majorly confused at what is going on and thinks that T is one of her imaginary friends. Right now, that is what we're dealing with.

I will make every effort, even write myself a note, to focus on those good things. T says change the focus, a new habit to learn and difficult after all the years of other unhealthy habits, but it's not impossible. I just keep holding onto that and all the help and support from people like you and hillbunny and bipolar bear and rainbowzz and fuzzy and cher and KD and all the others - I've a migraine can't think real straight.

Hugs,
Songbird