[Claritytoo]

I am still trying to figure out my system. Right now I am going to be laid off from my job in a week. I am under a lot of preasure. I have fallen back into the part of me that I was most of the time in the past. It is weird because I never really understood how I could pull it all together to get through difficult times. And in easier times be all over the place. But right now I am here and everyone is standing behind me. (double meaning) There is a part of me who has had suicidal thoughts in the past. There is a part of me who punches things injuring my hands. But most of the time I protect my body because without it I would be gone. I don't understand why so many of us with DID end up hurting our body. I do get that someone can have alters that imitate the original abuse. But I am DID because I wanted to survive and I didn't want to feel the pain. My body survived and my mind survived through DID. There are parts of me that hold painful memories and other parts who know none of it. I am at a point in my life that my alters need to return to me so we can live as one being. With all the memories in one place. I view my body as having a mind of it's own that co exists with my alters mind's. I don't know where I am going with this. I guess I am still trying to figure out why sometimes I punch things when I know I will hurt myself and why sometimes I think of suicide as a way of punishing myself. At the same time wanting to protect my body. Why would I hurt my body when it took all the abuse and helped protect me when I was little? I can't figure that out.

[IowaFarmGal]

I think there is sometimes swirling pain and anger that needs an outlet. I used to cut I still beat on my head sometimes. I think maybe I select myself because the abuse causes some self hatred too along with the pain and anger. Sometimes the things done to the body make me hate the body. This hatred and anger all belong on the abuser but it was not possible to put it there because I was too small.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by IowaFarmGal

I think there is sometimes swirling pain and anger that needs an outlet. I used to cut I still beat on my head sometimes. I think maybe I select myself because the abuse causes some self hatred too along with the pain and anger. Sometimes the things done to the body make me hate the body. This hatred and anger all belong on the abuser but it was not possible to put it there because I was too small.

I think I have something similar. I know sometimes I would become enraged at something silly like not being able to find the car keys. I also would punch myself or slap myself while at the same time thinking in my mind that I was stupid and worthless. It would come out of no where. I could feel it building but all of a sudden I would explode and direct the violence toward me while thinking at the same time I deserved it. But almost the moment I hit myself I would freak out about doing it and think that I was insane. It would take a long time to feel good about myself again. Once I started talking with my body-mind we worked toward me not hurting him. I sometimes still think about it but now that I understand that my hurting myself it another part of me who expresses themselves in that way. I have admitted that there is a part of me that thinks I am loathsome. But I am not, and most of us feel the same way, so we sort of stand together and stop anyone from hurting the body. My body-mind has saved our lives and I don't want him hurt like I was. We are all one and I just want to live like that. Thanks for responding. It helps me to think

[IowaFarmGal]

You are very welcome Claritytoo.

[possum220]

Sometimes there is just tooooo much emotional pain inside. The way we cope is to bring physical pain into play. The physical pain blocks out the emotional pain.

The physical pain causes our body to release endorphins that helps us to feel better.

That's the technical reason. Some time its one way to release out anger because its to scary to direct out anger at the cause of that anger.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Claritytoo))))

I agree with what others have said. Often what we feel emotionally is too much and feeling it physically at times is easier than what we are feeling emotionally. It is something that often we could concentrate on when things were happening instead of what was going on around us or to us. I remember often times when I was in high school, causing physical pain before going home knowing the trouble there would be, the hours of interrogation that would take place, knowing physically there was something to feel and concentrate on kept the emotional pain a little farther away at least for the moment.

But also, often, or for us, many were taught to self injure, to hurt the body because we deserved it. It was a way to explain the bruises and hurt that would come because somehow making everyone believe we were falling, or bumping into things, or somehow cut while doing dishes kept the focus on us and off where we were told never to tell. There are some within myself that were taught to self injure and whenever we get too close to revealing something, they seem to kick in to stop us.

There are some inside us that were trained and brainwashed to SU or SI when certain holidays or trigger times approach. When you believe and are brainwashed to believe you are worthless, nothing, no one it becomes a part of who you or they are and often it was used against you to set you up for later. Some within me, it is all they know. It is what they were taught when out. It is hard to explain but what we went though when I could not take what was happening and left and another stepped out, they were then taken over and trained to end when certain times or things are said.

Often it can be a word, phrase, etc. that triggers those within that carry those messages and training and when to act to stop anyone from finding out anything. Sometimes my own thoughts come into play when I start to remember and cannot find a way out, or feel undeserving of anyone or good. At times it all gets too overwhelming and it is the only way of seeing how to stop it all. It is different for everyone. At times we can be going along seeming to be doing okay and out of no where something hits and the thoughts start.

Often it feel as though a tornado whirling picking up things from all directions and it feels there is no other way out. It gets to spinning so fast and so out of control hurting somehow slows it down or even the ending thoughts somehow seems the only way. It is hard to explain but I do hear you and validate how you feel and what you are saying. Just as some were there to get through certain things, some were used to hurt and it is all they know. And until they can learn something new or even learn we are no longer back there and pretty safe for the most part now they only know what they know.

Some within myself do not know what year it is, where we are, or that safe people even exist. All they know is that everyone is a possibly dangerous person that could be part of the hurt, they react as they always have because they are trying to protect the body the way they always had to. As hard as it is for me to say this, we were taught how to hurt, how to end, and it was our fault and we deserve to be hurt. I do not know if this makes sense but for us it is and was learned and for some that was all they knew. Getting some to today is so hard, seeing we made it through and are not still back then at times is impossible, and takes a lot of time to get them to understand if they ever can.

For us emotions were not okay and so when feelings or emotions begin to come now it causes a lot of confusion and fear. We were never allowed to be angry for it was instilled within that it was our fault. We made them do it, so when it begins to come it is often turned inward to keep from getting in trouble or caught having any feelings or emotions that we were never to have or know existed. We were never to know it was not about us but them. This is just our experience, we cannot talk for anyone else. But what you said makes sense and I hope that you can figure it out. It is possible but takes lots of work and changing those old messages that often play over and over especially it seems when we start to figure out the truth. Often put into lose/lose situations where there was no right way no matter how hard you tried plays a big part of our thinking and feeling we can never win.

I hope something said here helps. Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. If okay.

dps

[Crew]

((((Clarity too))))))

I like what others have written yet for my system, it helped make our pain more manageable. That may not make sense. Yet, sometimes even emotional pain sometimes goes away when we hurt ourself.

I hope that you can get to a point where that does not happen, and yes, you willl get there as I did. Just know your not alone!

Peace, Crew

[Claritytoo]

Darkpurplesecrets

Thank you for the hugs. I appreciate you being so open about your journey.
You have given me a lot to think about. I can relate to the tornado analogy.
I think I am going to try to find out more about each part of me. I think I have to listen more and not just react to what I feel. Feeling is not something that comes naturally to me. Sometimes I don't feel anything. Literally anything. I just am aware that I exist. And when I do feel it is almost always a single feeling that is all consuming. If it is a sense of peace that is fine but if it is anger or fear it feels like I am falling, and it is bottomless. If I don't do something like punch something, that is when I begin to panic. I guess hitting something is a lot like grounding myself. Pulling myself out of the free fall. I have to give it all more thought. Thank you again. Gentle hugs back

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

There is an author that wrote a book on did, im not too familiar of who she is or anything but i stumbled across her youtube video where she talked about a part that was violent, si and wanted to kill her. Her t told her to try showing gratitude with that part. It was the parts job to shut everything down if it got to be too much. The part had been there through all of the pain carrying the burdens and was only doing its job. That the part like the rest was tghere to help even if it didnt appear that way. Once she was able to be thankful for that part, things immediately got better and within a week that part was integrated. I dont know if that works in every case but remember, they are there to help you, their sole purpose is to help, even if they have less conventional ways of doing so.

I hope you find help in this. Wishing you all the best