[LouR]

Yesterday was a good day. I got up when my alarm went off and I got my eldest ready for school and played with the twins. Mother dearest did her usual which is wait for me to wake up and then came up from downstairs. (My mother lives with me and my family) but I thought good keep away from my children and let me be the mother you weren't.
I had a great day up until mother dearest came home and put on the waterworks that the dentist is going to pull her teeth out because she was hit by father in jan 2011 and it loosened her teeth. Her eyes welled up with tears and I hugged her and told her that its not that bad and she'll be fine. Thyen she started stressing about money, eventhough she lives with us she doesn't pay board and she has an income of her own. Then I was stressed cos I was thinking does she want me to pay...I just paid off a credit card for my husband I have no money.
I went to the gym for the first time in 3 weeks and did zumba. I was obsessed with it for about a year and then I thought I was **** at it and just stopped. Never mind that I am a zumba instructor and people were telling me how great I was at it, I just thought they were lying an d I pissed on my friends when I decided to rant at them instead of being an adult and being assertive and telling them I was not happy with how things were going...I was so embarassed I couldn't face them.
Anyway I thought they wouldn't be there because they host a class on mondays at a community hall, well Gill showed up and immediately started texting someone on his mobile when I saw him. I thought I was going to puke, I immdiately panicked and then I thought **** you I'm still going in and I'm glad I did. Api the instructor there was really nice to me, I avoided Gill and I even applauded his routines eventhough he completely ignored me. But Api caught me running out of the class (okay I was chicken and I didn't want to face Gill) and told me that even after 4 months I still have my groove and if I wanted to come back she would offer me some song time I politely decline but she did alay my fears.
Then I come home and I looked at a group on FB that I joined for DID and they were being their teenage alters and that is so far away from my mind I got pissy because I thought WHY don't I know my alters and if I was in my child alter how would I know to use a computer because in 1985 I didn't even know what a computer was or even how I would log in? I shared these thoughts with my husband who tried to explain it to me which only made me worse and then I emotionally manipulated him I couldn't stop myself and he looked so sad when he went to bed I felt guilty then...
I went into a another FB group for children of Toxic Parents and saw an article on emotional manipulation and sent it to him so he knew what I did to him and then just before I went to sleep I said to him that I was sorry. He is my strongest supporter and I felt so damn guilty.
I woke up this morning and didn't want to get out bed...mother dearest waited once again until I was up, I waited in bed to see what she would do and she opened the kids bedroom doors saw that I was awake and said you get them ready, then made her breakfast, semi abused my eldest child and I half heartedly stopped her, then I asked my eldest to get ready for school because the bus would be coming....when i finished with getting the twins ready and changed a bed because my son had once again wet the bed after I had changed all the linen the day before and believe me its cold this time of year...I was stressed...apart of e wanted to rub his face in it but I stopped myself....
My eldest was sitting at the table 15 mins to 8 with her hair in a mess I combd it I thought yes she's ready and then I looked down no shoes on so I asked her to come with me and before that she was drinking a yakult because she's on antibiotics for a UTI...I gave her her medicine... then I asked her to follow me to her room to put her shoes on.
I sat on the bed asked her to lift her leg while she was drinking her yakult and guess what she overbalanced and the yakult went into my clean hair that i had washed last night (i had nt washed my hair in a week) and I saw red...I deep breathed, I ignored her apologies and finished putting her shoes on put on her jacket for her.
Mother dearest asked me what had happened and I couldn't stop myself I started swearing and I saw the impact yet I couldn't stop. Mother dearest was smirking at me, my eldest was ignoring me (which made me think am I creating a DID like myself with these swift changes of emotions) and I stopped went to the bathroom and shoved my head under the shower and washed my hair again...I nearly cried...I was humiliated but I wasn't gonna give mother dearest the satisfaction.
When the bus came for her I was still mad and I didn't even say goodbye whereas yesterday I went to the front door and watched my baby go to school I felt horrible and guilty.
Writing this here has made me reflect on the last 24 hours and I find that I changed a few times but not noticeably. I think I understand Triggers from looking at the events anything that I think humiliates or embarasses me or makes me worried triggers me into a whole different dimension however I am aware of it at the time...Its like I have a compunction to act that way in that situation and lets face it it's crappola.
Is anyone like this? Is this a usual day for yourselves?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I've had times in my life where I was very much like this. I still have moment where I want to scream yell and carry on when I am triggered. But a good thing when you are feeling overwhelmed to do is to walk away for a minute to gain your composure and calm yourself down. I know it's hard to cut ties with those close to you but if your mother is this much stress to you and your system have you considered asking her to move out? Especially since she has her own income? I know it can be hard but you need to think about your mental health and the mental health and happiness of your family. Being assertive is difficult but living in a toxic environment is not good for you or your family.

[LouR]

Hi
Yeah I have been thinking about that hard about getting her out of my home. But the hold she has over me she can make me feel incredibly responsible for her and I then feel guilty, I haven't been this bad until she moved in with me, I was quite ok until she did. But she is such a borderline personality. She is so frightened of being rejected and abanded that I know thats why she does what she does. Ugh I think a part of my has strong borderline traits at times too.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Talk with your treatment providers, they can help you gain the assertiveness and strength in general that you need to do this, you can do it and remember, no matter what, it's OK to say NO, this is your life and your family, she was not there for you as a child when you needed her you do not have to be there for her as an adult, it's your life and it's ok to say no, often it's good to do so

[LouR]

Thank you my friend and thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. Your AWESOME!

[designer]

wow! sometimes we think that we have had a bad day and then read what someone else went thru and thank God that our day wasn't like that - so so sorry

I agree - sounds like too much stree having mom living with u

I do agree - when angered WALK AWAY and hit something (but away from ur kids) they need to see that u love them and be there strength (easier said than done - mine saw the good and the bad)

don't live in regret - that day is over - I would have time with your daughter and just explain that u were having a bad day and that incident really set u off - let her know that you still love her and that you were sorry for losing it but that u are not perfect) she will forgive u and help u

sometimes just walking away - even to your own yard and stop and smell the flowers - listen to the birds - relax

[LouR]

Thank you Designer for sympathising with me, you know though today I re read my post and thought it's not that bad and then you validate me that yeah it wasn't that great. Thank you so much. XX