[LouR]

Now I know we get triggered by various things and this is the frustrating part...
I don't see T until saturday. I don't feel like I'm going to self harm but I was thinking on the way to work about something that happened on the weekend.
I was at a BBQ for my futsal team and my father and his girlfriend was there because my Dad plays on our team.
At the BBQ we were all listening to Rn B I was not drinking. But a song came on that I used to salsa too. When I started to salsa my friends were like let's go out dancing and when I looked up my Dad was looking at me funny. Like a lion about ready to eat a Gazelle.
I looked away and stopped instantly. I moved myself and when I looked at him again he was looking at me still like that... It froze me and it made me feel scared.
I started thinking about it today and I started remembering stuff. Like the time when I was 16 I had forgotten my clothes in my bedroom and I walked out of the bathroom nude to get them quickly and he was looking at me in a way a father shouldn't look at his daughter
O r the time shortly after that when I woke up cold in bed because I had urinated in my bed and my mother said to me maybe I had dreamt I went to the toilet, BUT I don't recall having that dream.
Or the time I ran away at 12 and my father when I saw him looked white with fear like he was guilty when the police was interviewing me when I came back home
Or that when I was 20 yrs old the parents put a porno on and asked me to watch it with them and I lost time after that I can't really member if I left the house or went to bed alone. Thats not normal right?
Or the fact that my mother blamed me for stuff and SHE was jealous of me. Is it because he did something?
There are more but I don't remember him doing anything to me BUT mum said that Dad stopped wanting to have sex with her when I was 8 years old.
I am seriously freaking out here because if I eventually remember any of this stuff I think I'll just go crawl in a hole and give up.
Dad was always the nice one but now I just don't ****ing know
**** you DID, I want to know because if my suspicions are right I want to fix this **** now and never have him around me or my family ever again.
And if my ***** of mother knew about it I want her out of my ****ing house NOW

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Take a breath. You will be ok no matter what turns out to have happened. Id avoid contact with him until you sort this through. Ive been recently learning things about my past i never could have guessed, its hard, its confusingits scary but you are safe now, but id avoid contact to keep your children safe until you know for sure.

With my DID i thought i knew how bad my past was, i wrong. They hid more than i could imagine and im just starting to skim the surface. But its their job. Imagine if you knew about this as a child, if you cant handle it now, you definately couldnt then. The uncertainty is hard i know, but it was blocked for a reason, if it did happen.

But dont convince yourself it did happen just yet or you could cause false memories. Just hang in there, bring it up with t and take this slowly. You will get through this

[LouR]

Thank you Purple Flying Monkeys for your words, I will try to calm down, you are very right. It was the conviction that hit me that yes it did happen but I can't remember everything specifcally your right I'm going to talk to T about it.
Hugs
Lou

[designer]

I feel for u - I know what that feels like and it STINKS - my dad is dead but I always get this weird feeling about him and normally if someone talks about fathers I turn them off and run - yet I have few memories of him - my childhood is blank in my head - once in a while I will get a sliver of something - one alter told stories of what dads friends did to me - it makes me wonder if he knew what they did or what else happened.... but yea, I agree, don't think bad and assume he is quilty yet - esp if u have no memories of it
these kind of things suck....still going thru this... I really really understand u

[LouR]

Thank you Designer. I'm glad I don't feel alone in this jumbled up mess. Meaning that I feel better that others understand how I feel. Thank you