Freaking out. Thinking about leaving abusive BF.

There's some background info here:

/showthread.php?t=239071

But here is my problem. I got with my boyfriend in 2010 and he was just discovering the fact he had DID. One of his alters was confused and he kept grabbing me by the throat and choking me 'til I was almost unconscious. It was lucky that the adrenaline this caused me to have increased my strength by a lot so that I could fight him off. I don't know if the alters had intentions to kill me but it happened a LOT back then...

The abuse slowed down as the alters became less confused... The only time it happened since then really was the times that I was in a bad mood... When I'm in a bad mood I shut myself off from the world and he doesn't like it. So he gets angry and his alters kick off. Sometimes they choke me, sometimes they hold onto my wrists so tight that it hurts and the more I struggle the tighter they hold on... The last time this happened I was freaked out for like 2 days after. This was after I found out that one of his alter had been abusing my cats so I told him to tell his alters that if he ever hurt me or my pets again I would leave him. He hasn't hurt me since but this week he kicked off and lashed out, hitting my sofa, and threw the TV remote across the room (not at me but I was still scared).

Even when I found out he was abusing my cats (I care about them getting hurt more than I care about myself getting hurt, because they don't understand... and they never come home now which is upsetting) I reasoned that it wasn't his fault. But now that I am frightened he is abusing my pets once again (see the above thread I linked to) I want to confront him...

But I can't confront him for another 3 weeks... There's this week and then we're going to Austria for work experience for 2 weeks and we can't back out of it... So I have that trip with him and I can't leave him before the trip is over because then it'll just be awkward and awful... That leaves one week of his alter being able to be awful to the rats (because I sleep longer than him so he's usually awake a couple of hours before I get up).

It's probably that I've had a few drinks that I'm freaking out about this, but I've been feeling this way all week since I found out that the cat had pooed on the sofa (whilst I was upstairs) and was freaking out, and then when I was upstairs again she weed on the table and was freaking out even though when I was downstairs she was absolutely fine. She left the house that day and neither of the cats have been back since. Ever since then I've just been worried he's abusing the rats.

Sometimes I feel like it's the right thing to stick with him because it's not his fault, but at other times I think of my cats and how scared they must be, and I feel like one of those pathetic women who is stuck in an abusive relationship and justifies it and won't leave.

How do I get through this week?!

Kaz x

Abuse is still abuse and you are not his Doctor or his therapist. You have to take care of you and your beloved pets. He has to find a way to get better with more counsieling, meds etc. I know you care but no one has the right to abuse anyone or animals no matter what their mental helth problems are. This is not a safe place for you or your pets!!

Please find a way to help yourself and your animals. I will be worried about you and thinking about you

good luck hon.

((((hugs))))

MissBelle, I know you are right, but I love him so it's hard

Kaz x

Don't worry Kazine........you will know when you are ready!!
Hugs and hugs!!

In ought to have a healthy relationship with anyone, family, friends, bfs you have to love yourself more. You have to give yourself a hug and let yourself know that you don't deserve to be afraid, ever, of anyone in your life. And that you will protect you. And if that means moving out and just dating your bf do that. But abuse never gets better. It just doesn't.

Its all hitting me REALLY hard tonight. I'm having a really bad panic attack as I write this. i just don't know what to do

You have to leave! I am not kidding! Even if he does have DID, you need to take of yourself and your pets--FIRST!!!!! SO WHAT if it's awkward! And do you really love him? Or are you just afraid to leave?

Quote:

Originally Posted by shortandcute You have to leave! I am not kidding! Even if he does have DID, you need to take of yourself and your pets--FIRST!!!!! SO WHAT if it's awkward! And do you really love him? Or are you just afraid to leave?

Yeah I do love him. I didn't even think of leaving him until like a week ago, I did't want to.

Kaz x

I don't know if you are like me, but I get stuck in abusive relationships and it's hard to get out because the little girl attaches to the abusive person. I've never regretted it once I was out. I just wondered what was the matter with me for staying so long. Abuse of my pets made me angry also. I'd say leave quickly and don't get stuck.

Please, please, please do what's best in this situation. You are not his therapist. He needs better therapy and more medications. This is not safe for either of you. Or your pets. You can do this Kazine.

Thinking of you this morning!!

You need to start putting things in order to leave. Gather important documents like your birth certificate, social sec card, stuff like that. Do you have your own bank account?

Just because he has DID does not make it okay for him to hurt you and your pets. Having a bad childhood, having a bad day at work, having a mental illness - none of that makes it okay to hurt you.

Do you have someone who can take care of your cats for a bit? If not perhaps it would be best to ask the animal shelter if they can take them until you are able to care for them.

You need to know that you are most in danger of serious injury when he realizes you are leaving. Does he have weapons? Do you have a plan for where you will go? Do you know where the domestic violence shelter is? Do you know how to get a restraining order?

Domestic violence hotline ----> http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/ (not sure where the help is in your area but this one should know)

You need to start putting things in order to leave. Gather important documents like your birth certificate, social sec card, stuff like that. Do you have your own bank account?

We live seperately, he lives with his parents though he stays over here a lot. So I don't have to leave, he is the one who will be leaving.

Just because he has DID does not make it okay for him to hurt you and your pets. Having a bad childhood, having a bad day at work, having a mental illness - none of that makes it okay to hurt you.

I know it's not okay, he knows its not okay, it upsets him that his alters do these things.

Do you have someone who can take care of your cats for a bit? If not perhaps it would be best to ask the animal shelter if they can take them until you are able to care for them.

They barely come home, they're clearly getting fed elsewhere, they're pretty much safe.

You need to know that you are most in danger of serious injury when he realizes you are leaving.

This isn't true, I have left him before as I am a very unstable person and although he has been upset he doesn't kick off or anything.

Does he have weapons? Do you have a plan for where you will go? Do you know where the domestic violence shelter is? Do you know how to get a restraining order?

As I said, it's my place, he doesn't live here, so I won't need a shelter and I don't need anywhere to go.

I'll still have to be with him until the 24th August, I don't really have much of a choice due to the Austria trip. I'm gonna see how I feel when I get back...

Kaz x

ok Im confused....you post what seems like a very unsafe situation you are scared for you and the cats and you ask how to get through the week, you post you are in panic over whats going on,

people tell you things like you need to do this you need to do that you should do this you should do that..

and now you are saying everything is ok you are safe and the cats are safe and you will wait until you get back from a trip to decide what to do..

so I went back and reread that first post in your thread. I realized you were not asking us what to do about all his abusiveness against you, long post short you are going to confront him but you have obligations to complete before you do your confrontation. you want to know ways to get through the week from now until you are able to do your confrontation.

bottom line we cant tell you what to do, only you know what you need to, should do and can do so I am not going to tell you to do this, you should do that or you need to do this...


my own personal confrontations I again make sure I have a way to kep me safe, when I had to confront a past abusive lover it was my apartment (my name on the lease) but I still made sure I had a way out of the home should things get violent, they had never abused me but I know from my work that, that doesnt prevent them from lashing out in anger, a person doesn't have to be an abuser to get angry. I had a friend wait in her car around the corner. I told her to watch the person arrive and if I didnt come out the door in 5 minutes with pets in tow she was to call the police and ask for a well check do to confrontation with an animal abuser. I confronted the abuser and walked out with my parting statement I will be gone for an hour please have you and your things out by then otherwise I will have you removed by the police and manager. Everything thing worked out fine, I came home they were gone and I changed the locks.

I got threw the time between making my decision to confront and the confrontation by being very busy. I brought "work" home with me to do and I monopolized the table laying out papers and other small time consuming paperwork, I listened to music with headphones and I took many walks. Sometimes I called a friend and asked them to call me back as timed intervals so that I could be busy talking on the phone...in other words I kept myself very busy and not available to the abuser most of the time we were in the apartment at the same time. I didnt want to go off and have things end in a way that would be sudden or shocking to the abuser because she was abusing my pets and an animal abuser has the potential to harm humans too. I wanted the break up to be calm and in my control not hers. So I took control over how I was acting, reacting with the abusive partner, and took one step at a time.

as for how those confronting my violent alters passed the time between making the decision to confront and the actual confrontation...according to the alters memories that are now integrated with me most confronted me/my alters right away, i do remember one situation where I thought wow So and so is got something on their mind I wonder what it is, they have cleaned the whole apartment, did all the grocery shopping for the week and now look at her shes organizing the can cupboard...So I'm guessing she was using the "keep busy" approach too.

Again I cant tell you what you ***ned to/ should or have to do*** because onyl you can decide that..I can only tell you that the keeping busy helped me in between making the decision to confront and the actual confrontation.

and now you are saying everything is ok you are safe and the cats are safe and you will wait until you get back from a trip to decide what to do..

I'm safe because he's never hurt me since I threatened to leave him... the cats are safe only because they're outside and refuse to come in... not sure about the rats however, dodgy stuff keeps happening whilst I'm not in the room.

so I went back and reread that first post in your thread. I realized you were not asking us what to do about all his abusiveness against you, long post short you are going to confront him but you have obligations to complete before you do your confrontation. you want to know ways to get through the week from now until you are able to do your confrontation.

Thankfully the week is almost up. He's going home tomorrow and I'm staying at a friend's house and I'm staying home alone until Thursday when I go to his parents house and leave for Austria the next day. Things have been better, because on the nights I posted these threads I was alone and completely freaking out, I had a massive panic attack and I thought I wouldn't be able to pretend like everything was okay while he was here but I have been able to.

bottom line we cant tell you what to do, only you know what you need to, should do and can do so I am not going to tell you to do this, you should do that or you need to do this...

Thanks, when I said that I would see what happened after the trip I meant that I would ask him or one of his calmer alters if anything had been happening to the rats... If he said yes I would leave. The other day I thought that if they said no I would still leave because the fact that I thought something was going on meant I still couldn't trust him. I'm kind of in two minds at the minute.

my own personal confrontations I again make sure I have a way to kep me safe, when I had to confront a past abusive lover it was my apartment (my name on the lease) but I still made sure I had a way out of the home should things get violent, they had never abused me but I know from my work that, that doesnt prevent them from lashing out in anger, a person doesn't have to be an abuser to get angry. I had a friend wait in her car around the corner. I told her to watch the person arrive and if I didnt come out the door in 5 minutes with pets in tow she was to call the police and ask for a well check do to confrontation with an animal abuser. I confronted the abuser and walked out with my parting statement I will be gone for an hour please have you and your things out by then otherwise I will have you removed by the police and manager. Everything thing worked out fine, I came home they were gone and I changed the locks.

I got threw the time between making my decision to confront and the confrontation by being very busy. I brought "work" home with me to do and I monopolized the table laying out papers and other small time consuming paperwork, I listened to music with headphones and I took many walks. Sometimes I called a friend and asked them to call me back as timed intervals so that I could be busy talking on the phone...in other words I kept myself very busy and not available to the abuser most of the time we were in the apartment at the same time. I didnt want to go off and have things end in a way that would be sudden or shocking to the abuser because she was abusing my pets and an animal abuser has the potential to harm humans too. I wanted the break up to be calm and in my control not hers. So I took control over how I was acting, reacting with the abusive partner, and took one step at a time.

as for how those confronting my violent alters passed the time between making the decision to confront and the actual confrontation...according to the alters memories that are now integrated with me most confronted me/my alters right away, i do remember one situation where I thought wow So and so is got something on their mind I wonder what it is, they have cleaned the whole apartment, did all the grocery shopping for the week and now look at her shes organizing the can cupboard...So I'm guessing she was using the "keep busy" approach too.

Again I cant tell you what you ***ned to/ should or have to do*** because onyl you can decide that..I can only tell you that the keeping busy helped me in between making the decision to confront and the actual confrontation.

Thanks for your advice and I'm glad that you got out of that situation. I'm hoping that it won't end up having to come to something so extreme...

Kaz x

Does he really have DID or does he use it as an excuse for his abusive behaviours?
Have you seen any other types of alters?
Even if it is people that are abusive should be sectioned or jailed, there is no in between. He needs to take ownership to his abusive ways even if it is DID contribution. Please take action. There is domestic violence orders available for those who still want a relationship too.