[Blacksheep1]

Hi All and thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.

I have had DID since my late teens, many minor alters and one major alter who has taken over my entire life for months, even up to 18 months at a time. This has happened three times in the last 20 years.

The last time was over two years ago and it took me a whole year to come out of it. In that time, I left my family (husband and kids), and was a completely different person in every way. People who know me and saw "her" said I even looked different.

I became involved with a really bad man...a convicted felon, liar, cheater and thief who thinks nothing of living off of me and has openly admitted he is using me.

When my Alter had taken over, she did not really notice all the horrible things about him, but was "in love" with him and thought they were soul-mates! As I started to re-emerge, I saw right through him and wanted him GONE.

My problem is that I have disassociated and left my family three times and they are done with me. My husband and kids cautiously allow me in their lives, but it is clear that I am an outsider now. My kids don't really understand that it was the stress of trying to make my marriage with an extremely controlling, overbearing narcissist work that sent me over the edge every time. Not to mention that he is asexual or even homosexual and refuses to address this.

So, I woke up slowly to realize that it was basically like "I" had died. There was no one left! The only person who saw it all happen and has stood by me is the no-good user. He is always there when I need to talk, and sees that I have a real illness and how cold my family is to me.

Everyone from my old life as my main or core personality is gone. They are very wary of me and I can't blame them for this. In my alter's life, that I do not want, is the felonious user and all of his scandalous "friends". I hate them all and refuse to have anything to do with them.

Breaking off completely from the felonious user will truly leave me alone in the world.

I have been to many hospitals, rehabs, groups, psychs (never again!), therapists, etc. and I just can not go through all that crap again.

Meeting anyone new; ie-nice, decent, honest people is so challenging as these people generally want nothing to do with a certified insane person.

Any comments are so appreciated.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by Blacksheep1

Hi All and thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.

I have had DID since my late teens, many minor alters and one major alter who has taken over my entire life for months, even up to 18 months at a time. This has happened three times in the last 20 years.

The last time was over two years ago and it took me a whole year to come out of it. In that time, I left my family (husband and kids), and was a completely different person in every way. People who know me and saw "her" said I even looked different.

I became involved with a really bad man...a convicted felon, liar, cheater and thief who thinks nothing of living off of me and has openly admitted he is using me.

When my Alter had taken over, she did not really notice all the horrible things about him, but was "in love" with him and thought they were soul-mates! As I started to re-emerge, I saw right through him and wanted him GONE.

My problem is that I have disassociated and left my family three times and they are done with me. My husband and kids cautiously allow me in their lives, but it is clear that I am an outsider now. My kids don't really understand that it was the stress of trying to make my marriage with an extremely controlling, overbearing narcissist work that sent me over the edge every time. Not to mention that he is asexual or even homosexual and refuses to address this.

So, I woke up slowly to realize that it was basically like "I" had died. There was no one left! The only person who saw it all happen and has stood by me is the no-good user. He is always there when I need to talk, and sees that I have a real illness and how cold my family is to me.

Everyone from my old life as my main or core personality is gone. They are very wary of me and I can't blame them for this. In my alter's life, that I do not want, is the felonious user and all of his scandalous "friends". I hate them all and refuse to have anything to do with them.

Breaking off completely from the felonious user will truly leave me alone in the world.

I have been to many hospitals, rehabs, groups, psychs (never again!), therapists, etc. and I just can not go through all that crap again.

Meeting anyone new; ie-nice, decent, honest people is so challenging as these people generally want nothing to do with a certified insane person.

Any comments are so appreciated.

That's a lot of excuses you got there. I think what you need to do is be honest with yourself. Some people don't want to work with their alters and affect change. And if that is you accept it. But if you really want to understand yourself and your alters better I think finding a therapist is the best way to go. I know I have to talk to my t and I also know I would not have said a fraction of what I have told my t to anyone I know. Either way as long as you are ok and not being abused it's your life.

I'm sorry I don't have much advice but I can say that I understand and I get it and I know what it's like to start living double lives and your sitting there like right when it's starting and your sort of seeing it coming, but there's nothing you can do about it. You have no idea if the part taking over will even accept "you" and most likely they will not. I am sorry that you have to experience this also. It hurts to loose all those people. And it's near to impossible to ever get them back, but it feels like they should just reappear, because it wasn't YOU who abandoned them. And at the same time you completely understand that they don't grasp that and they were hurt. It sort of feels like "well it was just yesterday I saw you". Because of loosing time. But it's been years and it's hard to really get how hard it hurt them. It sucks. It sucks to never know where your going to be in five years. Is it worth getting my bachelors degree in nursing because are my other parts even going to use it or is it going to go to waste? Is it worth getting close to my mom, because some of my parts don't like her. And it's scary. It's really scary to have no control. To look back over the last decade and realize you've had no control over who went where, when and that that could potentially happen again, soon.

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

That's a lot of excuses you got there. I think what you need to do is be honest with yourself. Some people don't want to work with their alters and affect change. And if that is you accept it. But if you really want to understand yourself and your alters better I think finding a therapist is the best way to go. I know I have to talk to my t and I also know I would not have said a fraction of what I have told my t to anyone I know. Either way as long as you are ok and not being abused it's your life.

I don't really see how she's making excuses? She has a condition that does cause alters to pick up and leave her previous life, often in shambles, for a new life.

[Bmee2]

Hi Blacksheep1,
i am sorry for your turmoil. i have no advice. i feel badly for your children and the hurt your alter has caused. i wish you could give them information about Dissociation, file for divorce, and go into serious knock down therapy. Of course this all is easy to write...the financial stuff and the house and all of that make making such decisions all the more complicated. Best of luck what ever you decide...all of you decide to do.

[Luce]

Hi Blacksheep. I am sorry you are going through so much turmoil right now. It sounds really hard.
I have been through something similar... I lost nearly a decade of my life to a different system of alters and when 'my' system came back to the front we found ourselves living in a different country and out of contact with all former people in our life (including our therapist). We also had to adjust to being a parent and in a completely different line of work (with a degree - bonus!).

My main point is I know how strange, terrifying, discombobulating, inconvenient, and confusing it is. When I 'came back' it destabilized me for several years. There was so much grief and confusion to process.

Your situation is different though, as you have lost your family, including your children. You are with a man you don't like and say he is your only source of support.
All I can say is - if being with this man is not a 'good' thing for you and where you want to go in you life then being alone is better. Being alone can be hard at first, but you can rebalance your self, heal old relationships and make new ones.
Now that you are 'back' what happens next is up to you.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Blacksheep1

Hi All and thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.

I have had DID since my late teens, many minor alters and one major alter who has taken over my entire life for months, even up to 18 months at a time. This has happened three times in the last 20 years.

The last time was over two years ago and it took me a whole year to come out of it. In that time, I left my family (husband and kids), and was a completely different person in every way. People who know me and saw "her" said I even looked different.

I became involved with a really bad man...a convicted felon, liar, cheater and thief who thinks nothing of living off of me and has openly admitted he is using me.

When my Alter had taken over, she did not really notice all the horrible things about him, but was "in love" with him and thought they were soul-mates! As I started to re-emerge, I saw right through him and wanted him GONE.

My problem is that I have disassociated and left my family three times and they are done with me. My husband and kids cautiously allow me in their lives, but it is clear that I am an outsider now. My kids don't really understand that it was the stress of trying to make my marriage with an extremely controlling, overbearing narcissist work that sent me over the edge every time. Not to mention that he is asexual or even homosexual and refuses to address this.

So, I woke up slowly to realize that it was basically like "I" had died. There was no one left! The only person who saw it all happen and has stood by me is the no-good user. He is always there when I need to talk, and sees that I have a real illness and how cold my family is to me.

Everyone from my old life as my main or core personality is gone. They are very wary of me and I can't blame them for this. In my alter's life, that I do not want, is the felonious user and all of his scandalous "friends". I hate them all and refuse to have anything to do with them.

Breaking off completely from the felonious user will truly leave me alone in the world.

I have been to many hospitals, rehabs, groups, psychs (never again!), therapists, etc. and I just can not go through all that crap again.

Meeting anyone new; ie-nice, decent, honest people is so challenging as these people generally want nothing to do with a certified insane person.

Any comments are so appreciated.

we cant tell you what to do but if I had a lover who thought or said this to me....

Originally Posted by Blacksheep1

he is asexual or even homosexual and refuses to address this.

I would tell them my sexual preference is not a problem to be addressed, its how I am accept it or not, stay or leave your choice.

one thing you have to understand about sexual lifestyles... they are not problems to be addressed ****unless**** the person who is not the same sexual orientation as their lover (lesbian, bisexual, homosexual, asexual, transexual,, transgendered... what ever they want to call it) is having a problem.

my being a lesbian and living with a guy a few times was his problem not mine because I was and am completely comfortable that I am attracted to women not men. my sexuality was never an issue/problem for me when I was a child and wasnt an issue/problem for me as an adult.

I chose to have a male room mate when I wasnt able to financially meet rental agreements on my own. it wasnt my problem that this guy was attracted to me who was not my sexual orientation. when I became aware of his attraction I told him I was a lesbian and there would not be any sex in our relationship. He stayed about 6 months tormenting himself trying to arrange situations in which we would in his thinking "do it" but it never happened and he finally told me he couldnt live this way any more either I had to address my sexual issues and get over it or he would leave me.. I said "theres the door do you need help packing?"

a persons sexual orientation is how they are just like what makes you smile, what makes you cry, what positions, foreplay and such that you enjoy is how ever you are and unless ****you**** have a problem with your own sexuality its not an issue that you need to address. you are the way you are because thats who you are.

this guy being homosexual, asexual isnt going to change just because you want him to be a different sexual orientation, the same as you are, like the same sexual things you do.

so on this non issue of his and an issue for you which means it is you that must address your own issues about his being asexual, homosexual. and it is you that must decide whether you are comfortable living with a guy who is either not having sex or having sex with other guys.

as for you not wanting to leave him because then you would be all alone... I cant help you there either, this is a choice everyone has to make on their own...to live in an abusive, unhappy relationship because they believe its better than nothing or moving on to make a new happier non abusive life. every person in a domestic violence relationship has to make their own choices. there are places that can help you with things like meeting others in abusive relationships like your self, and other in an abusive relationship type problems/issues. here in america these places are called domestic violence agencies. the national hotline number is at the bottom of the page inside the gray box saying helplines and lifelines.