[kazine]

I don't have memories of what caused my DID but I know a lot about my alters... My main alter, Sophie, who is a sex alter, has an addiction to being abused. I just left a BF who also had DID and his alters were abusive to me (against my will) and him and his alters were abusive to Sophie during sex because she asked them to be.

In a break with this BF I ended up with a pretty normal bloke, who wasn't abusive. Sophie managed to convince him to choke her during sex. Now that I've broken up with my BF I'm getting close to another guy, who is very anti-violence. I'm happy with this because after what happened with my ex's alters being abusive to me I want to be as far away from that type of thing as possible. But Sophie still wants it.

I'm not in therapy so I can't help her that way. But I absolutely refuse to let her try to get this guy to treat her violently. I have liked him for a long time and he is the sweetest guy I have ever met and there is no chance whatsoever of her going anywhere near him. But I need a way to make this happen. How do I convince her to keep away from him? She likes to write erotica and explore her rape and abuse fantasies through them but I don't think it's enough for her, hence why she told my ex in advance that if she said no to sex that he should just force her to do it.

I'll probably tell the new guy all of this in time, but I don't want anything like that to happen with him. I don't think he would do it even if she begged though. But what can I do to help her and stop her from doing this? I really don't know... Waiting for therapy but it could be ages away :/...

Kaz x

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by kazine

I don't have memories of what caused my DID but I know a lot about my alters... My main alter, Sophie, who is a sex alter, has an addiction to being abused. I just left a BF who also had DID and his alters were abusive to me (against my will) and him and his alters were abusive to Sophie during sex because she asked them to be.

In a break with this BF I ended up with a pretty normal bloke, who wasn't abusive. Sophie managed to convince him to choke her during sex. Now that I've broken up with my BF I'm getting close to another guy, who is very anti-violence. I'm happy with this because after what happened with my ex's alters being abusive to me I want to be as far away from that type of thing as possible. But Sophie still wants it.

I'm not in therapy so I can't help her that way. But I absolutely refuse to let her try to get this guy to treat her violently. I have liked him for a long time and he is the sweetest guy I have ever met and there is no chance whatsoever of her going anywhere near him. But I need a way to make this happen. How do I convince her to keep away from him? She likes to write erotica and explore her rape and abuse fantasies through them but I don't think it's enough for her, hence why she told my ex in advance that if she said no to sex that he should just force her to do it.

I'll probably tell the new guy all of this in time, but I don't want anything like that to happen with him. I don't think he would do it even if she begged though. But what can I do to help her and stop her from doing this? I really don't know... Waiting for therapy but it could be ages away :/...

Kaz x

Im confused... you posted above ....

"there is no chance whatsoever of her going anywhere near him."

and then you posted above this statement...

"How do I convince her to keep away from him?"

not meaning to be rude or anything here but to me it sounds like the problem is solved..

if theres no way for her to get near this guy then there's no need to worry about how to convince her to stay way from him...

heres what I mean..

think of something that is out of your reach and ability to have... maybe its your favorite candy theres no way for you to get some so theres really no need for say your doctor to tell you to stay away from candy... its a non issue.

another example...a million bucks, everyone would love a million bucks but access to it was never in reach so no one needs to tell me hey stay away from the million bucks ....because its a non issue.

if theres no way for your alter to get to this guy then there's no reason to do this big confrontational thing of telling an alter they cant have whats not with in their reach.

now it would be a different thing for example if there was an issue where your alter ***can**** get to him, in that case well you say you know your alters good right what do you think will get this alter to stop with the abusive sex.

for me it wasnt possible to convince/talk to/or bribe my alters not to do what ever they did. my alters were so categorical (they had their own ways to be, their own jobs/purpose/reason for being) and when it came to this kind of thing it was just what they were created to be/do.. it was their purpose to seek out men who would abuse.

its like you, you have your own purpose, reasons for doing things and ways that you have to do things, and nothing will prevent you from doing what ever instinctual mannerisms, habits, ways of doing things you do. alters are just like human beings sometimes theres nothing anyone can do because how a person talks walks and thinks about things and acts is sometimes not up for discussion/debates/ bribes just because those things make a person who they are.

alternate personalities are the way they are because thats how and what they were created for.

the only other thing I can say is that if you want to try something like deprogramming /convincing an alter not to be who they are/ not to be doing what ever their purpose and reason for being is well that takes a therapist. we cant do that kind of work here on psych central because it would be considered performing therapy on our fellow members..

what I do know about alters and what happens when their purose/job/reason for being is no more...that means they are no longer needed and usually merge/integrate with the host..

my therapist said it to me the best way I have ever heard it...

"yes you have these embarrassing alters that are different than you are and they have different views on things like sex, religion, politics, but doesnt everyone? we dont set out trying to change a black mans views to a mexicans views do we? we dont set out telling each other which side of the political podium to be on, and we certainly dont go around telling our neighbors what kind of sex like they need/should/ have to have..why should it be any different for you and other parts of you? now theres a reason those alters are there, until we find out what caused them to come into being, what trauma caused them to be, and what in your thinking process at the time this alter came into being felt you needed to be abused, theres nothing we can do about it, on some level you believed or needed to be abused, if you didnt there wouldnt be this alter doing what you couldnt do for yourself..lets look at that side of things...when did you feel you needed to be abused during sex, what lead you to needing this kind of alter... when you know more about the trauma you went through and why you needed or have (present tense because if there wasnt a need this alter would have integrated already right, so why do you have a need to be abused?"

let me tell you that conversation with my therapist was complicated, hard and eye opening as we delved into my sexual beliefs, trauma relating to these issues, and ...well you get the picture.. after everything was worked out in my head and the abusive alters were no longer needed physically and mentally, consciously and unconsciously those alters integrated with me.

[kazine]

I'm sorry I confused you, Amanda. When I said that there was no chance of her going anywhere near him, I just meant that I really really don't want her to. I guess maybe it's a dialect thing...

I've wrote her a letter explaining that I do not want her to even meet this guy... Her meeting him leads to her eventually sleeping with him (probably sooner than I'd like) and her trying to turn him towards her BDSM-rape-crazed sex. Which I don't want. I just hope she listens to me.

Kaz x

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by kazine

I'm sorry I confused you, Amanda. When I said that there was no chance of her going anywhere near him, I just meant that I really really don't want her to. I guess maybe it's a dialect thing...

I've wrote her a letter explaining that I do not want her to even meet this guy... Her meeting him leads to her eventually sleeping with him (probably sooner than I'd like) and her trying to turn him towards her BDSM-rape-crazed sex. Which I don't want. I just hope she listens to me.

Kaz x

lol here a dialect thing would be talking in a different speech pattern (stuttering, southern twang, sounding British, having an accent)

could you have been writing what you ****wished was real**** instead of what ****was real in reality*** another term used around here is ***denial or Denying what is real**** or ***deluding one self.*** or for when those that dont realize they are confusing reality with the not real we call it being delusional or delusion thinking, magical thinking...

anyway thanks for clarifying. hope writing the note helps, that was a great idea, some times it helps some people other times it doesnt. that wouldnt have helped me but you dont know until you try. good luck. hope things get better for you.

[jax01]

I just want to say I understand. much of my system is unknown. all i can say for real is that is is not very big. and there are not many littles.
but I can't stand to be shouted at, or have rough hands on me. it's the one thing that causes me to become violent myself. it's such a sudden thing that i don't realize it's happening.
but I have a part that eats it up. that pines for it. that wants to got looking for someone to treat us truely badly. cruely even.
I can't allow that. they either do not know, (and i am often very surprised at what ther others don't know) or they simply do not care about the consequences to the whole of us.
like i said, i'm not much help. but i undestand.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by kazine

I'm sorry I confused you, Amanda. When I said that there was no chance of her going anywhere near him, I just meant that I really really don't want her to. I guess maybe it's a dialect thing...

I've wrote her a letter explaining that I do not want her to even meet this guy... Her meeting him leads to her eventually sleeping with him (probably sooner than I'd like) and her trying to turn him towards her BDSM-rape-crazed sex. Which I don't want. I just hope she listens to me.

Kaz x

Through all my sexual activity and many men I realized at some point I could not help us while in a relationship that created such strong emotional impulses. If you want to find out more about Sophia and why she is here you will most likely need to refrain from any sexual relationship with anyone. I started off without a commitment to a certain length of time and let it just happen gradually. It wasn't easy because of some compulsive thinking but by getting out of the cycle of sex I was able to clear my head. It was eye opening to me how much I didn't know about myself and how we functioned. Not having to work with the overpowering sexual impulses enabled me to not get lost in compulsive behavior. I am not saying you would need to do this forever, but I do think you need to try to hold back from being in a relationship and work on yourselves. You should also have a t or someone you can confide in. For me, it helps to keep me honest and on point. You need to be blatantly honest with yourself. You either want to work with your alters to move out of the past or you are content and just want to tweak here and there. I have found that tweaking doesn't work for the long haul. I hope things work out for you. Take care.