[allthegirls6]

Im having a bit of difficulty with the fact that I made my T cry. It was not because she could feel my pain. I wish it were that simple. Im frustrating her. We sorted it out and parted friends and stuff but its left me with a rather heavy heart that keeps jumping up and reminding me that im a bad person.

(((( Auds ))))

This is your T's problem, hon, not yours. If she's frustrated to the point of tears she needs to seek advice and work that out behind the scenes.

If a frustrated doctor cried to his cancer patient because the patient still had cancer...

Would that be the patient's fault?

If the patient followed the Dr's orders on how to get well and still wasn't 100%...is that the patient's fault?

If the patient said screw you, and didn't do anything to get better, is that the doctors fault?

Hell no. It's not anyones fault. It is what it is.

Sorting it out and parting friends shows that you can, and will continue to work through your differences.

The fact that your heavy heart jumps up is good.

It reminds you that you are human.

Humans feel joy and sorrow.
Humans hurt, body and mind.
But most importantly, humans love.
And sometimes that heavy heart reminds us.

Your friends are here to help.

[allthegirls6]

Petunia,

thank you. I know that Mary (my T) is taking all the steps she needs to, its just that im ever so persistant and i just wish i wasnt. Have you ever been driven to do something. Like its a force in you that pushes you along and carries you and no matter what you do, or how you fight it you keep saying and doing the same things. Im really stuck and she is really stuck with my stuckness. It feels like if i have to change i need to give up an intrinsict need I have and im not sure if i can do it. When a person wants something so bad, can they really give up on it and walk away. I cant imagine i would ever be able to get over the disappointment.

Auds, I know. I know. I really do. You've struggled with this.

You can't have your dream unless you reach for it.

It seems to me you've been reaching for this for a long time. What does that tell you about being stuck.

Maybe this dream wasn't meant to reach back.

When a person wants something so bad, can they really give up on it and walk away.

Don't walk away. Step back.

I cant imagine i would ever be able to get over the disappointment

Of course you could. It would hurt like hell, but time would lessen it.

((((Audrey)))))
May I ask what your dream is and why you think you can't reach it?--PM if you don't think you can write it here.

I frustrate my T also. We've had to step back and look at the type of therapy she was doing. Different insiders need different therapy. I need different therapy. Each insider has a different goal for themselves.
We wrote down for our T what they were, what we felt we needed and gave it to her. It helped. That's us...
w_i

[hillbunnyb]

mental illness is frustrating. it ain't yer fault. we're in this together with our t's in a learning loop. i've seen mine struggle and figure it makes her a better t. ya know?

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Audrey ))))))))))))))

[Gemstone]

{{{{{ All the Girls }}}}}}

[Jennifer1084]

(((((((((((Allthegirls))))))))))
I hope things will work out.

Jennifer

I've made my last therapist and a few others cry - from happyness, frustrtion, sadness - a whole range of emotions because of what I have went through and because at times I am rather deturmined to reach a self set goal regardless of what they think.

On a whole they love the fact that I am so determined but yet on the other end of the spectrum my deturmination sometimes works against the therapy motto that -

sometimes going slow and have everything on track along the way is better then getting to the end goal too fast so that in the end there is more work to be done because of all the residual problems that arise when going too fast.

I deffinately challened SKR's abilities to keep me at a pace in which I would not have other problems come up along the way. But her point was driven home in a very unexpected way - I was pushing that limit to what I could do and reaching for memories and so on that I was not ready for and the result was a very dangerious situation - a table got thrown and so we had to stop working on trying to locate the memory that goes with the nightmare that I am experiencing and deturmined to find out what it is. in the process not only did we have to stop working on the nightmare but we also had to do other work of accessing that memory piece and deactivating the trigger and or action.

Not only had I put myself backwords in terms of work but I also physically and mentally hurt SKR. Physically the table hit her in the knee, mentally it scared her to realize how unpredictable working with DID's really is.

There is absolutely no way to know what type of memories the therapist and client are going to accidentally tap into when they are taking care of the known factors - in this case we were just talking about the fact that my child had been put in foster care for the second time and I was actively suicidal while aware and somehow, somewhere during the conversation I switched into a (1 or more) memory piece(s).

Not only did I scare and physically hurt SKR in my determinated full speed ahead thinking but I also emotionally set myself backwards. I lost all trust in myself and the therapy process, I also lost a good amount of trust in whether or not any therapists ability to "catch me when I fall" so to speak. I didn't lose trust in SKR as a person but the fact was SKR knew me not only on a professional level but also on a deeper level than 16 other past therapy professionals did not but yet even she did not see this situation coming and or happening. So over the next few months instead of telling her things. It would build until I was again releasing by cutting. And my cutting escalated.

On my end of things I have always had DID so I don't think and worry about the problems and abuses that are my separated pieces of memories.

To me switching is just something that has always happened to me so its normal for me to suddenly be daydreaming and floating in la la land and when I come back its not painful and so on, I don't remember what I was phsically doing when acting out the pieces of memories. So for me its just same old same old - I just go on with my day like I normally do.

I used to set a goal and like having tunnel vision I would only see that goal that I have set, not the residual of problems that may come along in the process of reaching that goal.

Well that table throwing incident blasted the necessity of working at a slower pace just because I am DID firmly into my head.

So much so that when my present therapist (LL) co wrorkers forced LL to push me into working on things at a faster rate and with a deadline on top. I firmly planted my feet and flat out refused to do the work during therapy sessions. I don't want tables to go flying again and possibly accidentally hurt LL physically and mentally and I don't want to land back into cutting again for release.

Being determined and setting goals is a good thing. I still set my goals but now I because I now know there is a reason why therapists want clients to go at it, at slow even paces I do that.

As for the fact that my therapists do show me their feelings like when they laugh, cry, and show frustration - I don't take it personally anymore. I am glad they have that connection and trust in and with me that allows them to be excited, frustrated, sad and so on for me. Therapists are human and sometimes because I have shut off my emotions about myself and things I went through. So when my therapist is showing her feelings that kind of mirrors and teaches me what emotions are and that its ok to feel them and express them. I also trust my therapists to take care of their self. and not taking the blame when a situation frustrates them to tears is part of that trust in them.

Hang in there.

[Evangelista]

(((All the Girls)))....I see a common thread here.. T's are human and want what is best for us..but being human and presumably "not DID"..they show and exhibit what many of us cant do..or have not learned to do..or our system's doesn't allow us to do...express appropriate emotion in context to the situation without being drawn into a hurt from the past...and you did fine..you talked it thru...wow..thats amazing work

My T confided that after a poem I wrote, one which I posted in the creative forum here..he had nightmares, had to get up to shake it off..he said in his 30 years as a therapist he has never done that..well made me feel so bad..like I had hurt him..which was the very last thing I would ever want to do..so again it sounds as if alot of us can relate to our "T"'s humaness...just not our own..maybe beause we were made to feel less than one from our abuse histories..

There is a whole lot of wonderful information and support in this thread..and I am so glad that you shared it..you are a very special human being and I am sending lots of TLC your way..hope you are feeling a better..((ATGs)....

(Gentle Hugs) if its ok...

[allthegirls6]

thank you everyone, im crying fro the moon these days but all these kind words make it not quite so bad. Im touched and feel much better today.

[January]

((((((((( ATG ))))))))))))))

I don't have the right words, but I thought a hug might help.

Hugs,

Jan

[allthegirls6]

Im back in destructive mode today.

Im back in destructive mode today.

Get out of there now, Auds.

I forbid destructive mode.

Don't make me come over there.

[allthegirls6]

How do flowers get through passport control?

I wish you could come over, i wish i opened my front door and you were standing there with all your petals fluttering. I would hold onto you pertunia.

How do flowers get through passport control?

Disguised as potpourri.

I would hold onto you pertunia.

And I would hold you up, Auds.

And if you fell, I would pick you up again.

You will get through this. I promise.

[allthegirls6]

Petunia,

how ever did you get to be such a caring and kind person. Its a lucky person that stands beside you.

You mean the world to us girls.

((((Audrey)))
It's so difficult sometimes---hang in there. It feels really bad right now, but it won't last forever--I know it won't. I promise that you'll get though this. I'm here for you.
w_I

[Gemstone]

{{{{{ ATG'S }}}}}

I'm sorry things are so hard lately.

[allthegirls6]

guys, guys, guys,

I saw Mary tonight (my T). We had a good old chat and it looks like we might be getting somewhere. OMG i creid, but im feeling like a little ray of hope has came my way.

[allthegirls6]

Can i just say Petunia that you gave me the courage to approach the topic with her. Lots of work to do but at least its in the open. Thank you my flowery friend. You are MY poster fo the month!

[Evangelista]

(((ATG)))

Thankful that you have found hope in your Therapy with your T...wishing you can continue to express yourself(s) and feel safe, cared for, and heard...((Gentle Hugs))

[January]

Yay ATG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((((( ATG )))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan