Finding things tough

I'm seeingmy psychiatrist on Tuesday and the psychologist Wednesday. I don't know what I am going to say to either of them. When I saw the psychologist last week I had already been triggered by some stuff at work and was feeling low. We spent a lot of time talking about how I can deal with feeling triggered. But I don't seem to have come up for air since then. The pressure at work is immense - not just me but lots of staff have been saying that they are not coping with the workload at the moment. It feels like I can't get space to take a breather. I know it is foolish, but I am almost afraid to admit to how I am feeling because I am afraid of disappointing them, especially my T. I'm trying to remind myself that I am safe now, that I have people who care for me and that I am coping, but my emotions fight against all those assertions and all I can see is a massive workload and too many issues for me to cope with. I'd just like a break to get my head above water. I'm trying to be more assertive and stand up for myself, but it is such hard work and such a scary thing to do. My insiders are variously scared / angry / upset and I'm afraid to lift the lid and really look at how they are feeling and why. Even making this post feels like an incredibly risky thing to do - but if I don't tell anyone how I am feeling, how can anyone point me in the direction of improvement or offer me support?



C

Caroline

Feels like a head spin, doesn't it. Life can certainly be overwhelming at times - that doesn't even include the things that we have to deal with because of our pasts.

T always says "you're doing a good job" "you're doing the best you can right now" "Hang in there" - he always smiles when he says these things because he knows I've argued the point with him many times. It doesn't FEEL like I do any of those things and I'm sensing that you don't FEEL like you are either. But you are.

Too much to do, too little time. And we question everything that we do - is it the right choice, is it me and I just can't handle it, everyone else seems to handle it fine, what's wrong with me that I can't? Everyone asks themselves these same questions, they just don't ruminate on it like we do. It's not a bad thing, it doesn't make us bad or no good - it is what it is and we are working on becoming happier, healthier, a more positive us.

Go back to your list of prioritizing what has to be done, needs to be done, want to do - and make sure you do at least one of the "want to do" - that's healthy you time and will help you to feel better. Mark off the things you get done and you will see the progress. Writing them out may help you to see that it's "not so bad and perhaps manageable". I know you have a lot to do - you really do.

But, this little list might help take some of those things off your mind because you wrote them on paper. That will free up "brain space" and it won't seem so over whelming. It really works. Freeing up "brain space" gives up less to think about "all the time" and you may even find that you enjoy what you are doing at the moment.

I wish for you a safe, gentle ride for today

Hugs,
Songbird

((((((((((((((((Caroline)))))))))))))))

It is risky to put things out there and seek help and support when you need it - but hey, you did, what a hurdle to get over - I'm really proud of you
Sorry I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom on this night.

Thank you, Songbird. Yes, it does feel like a head spin. And youa re right - dealing with the "here and now" stuff is hard. Like you, I'm trying also to deal with a lot of old stuff. I'm finding it hard to keep on tackling all the deep down beliefs - the "schemas" my T calls them. When other stuff impinges as well it is even harder.

Your T sounds like mine. I told him last week I didn't feel I was coping and he listed on his fingers all the things I am doing - still working, making it to my appointments, keeping the house and family going. Like you, I tend to discount those things. But we do have to keep doing them.

I never realised that other people don't ruminate on all those questions until very recently. Like I never realised that others don't have the constant self talk, self criticism and commentary / analysis going on inside their heads all the time, or that not everyone hears all the sounds around them (hyper-vigilance my T calls it). These things make it all so much harder, don't they?

Thanks for the reminder re lists. I have my list but I keep forgetting to look at it or add to it. I have marked off things I have done, but with my job the same things come round time and again - like marking. But the list is a good thing and you are so right about getting the things out of my head space. I know lists do that for me. I'm not sure it is manageable at the moment - and T agrees with me there. But I have been trying to talk to others about the things we have to do and it has been reassuring to find that a lot of colleagues feel similarly overwhelmed with the work load.

Thank you, Songbird. Your thoughtful response meant a lot.

C

Thank you, Nina. I need all the hugs I can get right now. It helps so much to know I have been heard.
C

Thank you, stormgirl. It's good to hear you say you understand. Out here is a scary place to be at the moment, but a hurdle I need to cross. Thank you for recognising and encouraging me.
C

be good to you caroline XXXXX

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

((((((((((( Caroline )))))))))))))

I hope things go better for you at work. It is really, really hard to say no, but sometimes you just have to put yourself first. I have sometimes shaken and trembled trying to get the word "No" out of my mouth, but sometimes you just have to do it. Remember that you are not the only one on overload at work, so it's not your fault, it's the school admin's fault.

Hugs,

Jan

Thank you, atg. I'll try. You be good to you too!

(((((atg)))))

C

That made me smile, Rhapsody. Thank you so much. I do admire those of you who are so creative with the smilies. I really like the little smilies at the bottom of your message too - it expresses so well what this place is about.

Love and hugs to you too.

C

(((((Jan)))))

Thank you Jan. Yes, saying no is a really hard thing for me. I am finding that talking to others about the fact that they too feel overloaded helps me to say no. My T, too, is pointing out to me that I can't meet unrealistic expectations. Deep down it comes down to challenging those schemas I have about not being good enough, about being flawed and so needing to meet all the expectations placed on me. I have to keep working at those even when I find it hard to believe that I do have the right to stand up for myself. Sometimes I can work on changing the feelings but I also have to work on changing the actions if I am going to affect those beliefs I still hold.
Thank you
C

((((((((( Caroline )))))))))))

Your words have peirced the bulls eye in the target for many of us. It couldn't have been described better.

Hugs,

Jan

thank you, Jan. Your encouragement is appreciated.