[OneAndMany]

Today has been pretty strange and mostly useless. I have something going on inside - maybe a small crisis? - but I'm not privy to what it is yet. I have thought about any potential triggers that might have occurred, but can't think of anything. Pretty normal, average day. And no strong feelings at any one point in time (like would usually happen with a trigger).

Since lunchtime or thereabouts, I have been spinning in circles with not knowing what to do next and not finishing anything I start. Until about 30 minutes ago, I couldn't even tell what I want/need to do tonight. My husband got home and was able to see that I was "off" and offered to support me in whatever way I need. That in itself helped me, especially cause T is recovering from surgery for the next week and unavailable.

At that point, I got quiet enough to tell that there are 5 different places I want to go tonight, none of them compatible with the other: grocery store, hang out in bookstore, hide in closet, get drunk, and go to outdoor bar for guitar music. I do know that each of these (except grocery shopping which is what I need to do) is a not-so-good coping mechanism. So, there is something going on inside that is causing different alters to fall back on their preferred coping mechanism.

My questions are these: what can I do next time when I start spinning in circles to stop the confusion? And what do I do when there are competing desires as to how to spend time tonight? Right now, I am feeling stuck and unable to choose anything. Being quiet and trying to listen to the crisis feels unsafe since T in unavailable.

Elizabeth

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((Elizabeth)))))))))))))) I understand that. I'm sorry T is unavailable. I'm so glad you have support with husband while T is gone.

I know for me, it feels unsafe to deal with things on my own sometimes too when that happens. Does journaling help you during those times? Sometimes things come out when I journal during that time (although not always).

What if you were to get yourself into a safe place (bedroom, etc) and get out a variety of good coping things (drawing pads, paper, pencils, crayons, stuffed animals, etc) and just allow your brain to do what it needs to? If husband knows what is going on, he can maybe make sure you don't leave the house or do anything dangerous?

Hope things get calmer for you soon.

When I can't decide what to do I schedule time to do them all. For example last night I wanted to to clean the house, go shopping, play on the computer, go to the local library, watch a movie and do some drawing. So last night I set my alarm so that I would be up before 10am. Then I got dressed and went shopping and made sure I brought home cleaning supplies, Mcdonalds, a new movie and a new computer game. Then when I got home I watched a movie while eating my lunch. after the movie ended I got the cleaning done. Then I hoped on my bike instead of riding the bus and biked to the local library. I got home in time for dinner and then played my computer game. I don't always schedule everything on the same day like I did today. I keep a list when I cant decide what to do and then schedule the time for all o them when I can. A few things I have noticed is that - when I am stressed out just about everything triggers the memory pieces into replaying. A past therapist told me to listen to the pieces of memories and that will tell me what I need to do for me. for example if a food memry is replaying then I think about whether or not I have eaten yet, If I am hear a specific movie title or song I think about what in my present life could be triggering that to replay. It could be something that I need to do or it could mean I havent set aside time to relax and just do something for myself that day. Or it could be Im thinking about someone who had done that activity before. I can't always find my triggers but I go along with them (within reason Im not about to act on things like doing drugs or drinking because I am allergic to alcohol when I hear those things I know that they are audio memories of when I was a child and the adults around me did those things, and Im not about to act on the ones that say stuff about cutting and so on) but I do act on the appropieate ones.