DD forum check in thread.

krazy_phoenix · Oct 25, 2014, 12:54 AM

Hi all

Still here, keeping on with keeping on. Wish i had some words of enlightenment or encouragement for all you wonderful courageous ppl. But alas, i don't. Plain n simple. Just trying to get my head around being a 'survivor' atm. I don't feel like i've survived anything because I'm still in the dark...all these long years later. Still haunted by my past, still ruled by a game that I don't understand.
Anyway, I'm here. Lurking (apologies). Reading. Praying. Trying to be a mum, wife, daughter, sister , friend, uas well as the many energies of myself. Threads get pulled in therapy, then i unravel, then rope myself together again in preparation for another t session to be unravelled again. Exhausting. Exhausted.
Thank you all for writing.

Cheers, kp

iPhone

ChildlikeEmpress · Oct 25, 2014, 04:30 AM

I took today off. I found a fun tablet program where I can draw kaleidoscope designs and it is really relaxing. I could play with it for ages. Yesterday I spent most of the day in derealization/depersonalization mode which started in therapy. It was kind of scary. None of that today though.

lifelies · Oct 25, 2014, 06:32 AM

Work is literally going to be the end of myself - when it's not my job at the agency, it's the schoolwork from the teens. It's terrible!
Today we're going out on a teens' nightclub. That kind of nightclub where stupid, drunk and high teens go to try and get laid. I of course don't enjoy this, but I rather enjoy classy discotheques. Unfortunately, they're all closed, so we're going to this awful club.
The worst is that we're all concerned about our "friends" leaving us alone, because when they are drunk they tend to forget how they want to take advantage of us, hence they leave us alone because we're no use to them anymore.
It seriously is horrible to have "friends" like these ones.
Regards,
Margaret

Patagonia · Oct 25, 2014, 06:50 AM

I must be mom today. No time for any other stupid nonsense that comes up & just frustrates me bec it gets in the way. Wake the kids, make breakfast, do some wash, fold it, take them to library, etc. turn my mom smile on & pretend I'm very sociable & very busy loving & enjoying this exhausting job.

All I wanto do is curl up on the couch. There's no one here to comfort me or take care of me. I miss my H. I hate doing this job myself. I was never meant to be a mom.

Gr3tta · Oct 26, 2014, 06:42 PM

Horrible day Friday. Better weekend. T on Mon. I hope she will help.

Kiya · Oct 27, 2014, 12:02 AM

Hello Peg ~ long time no see.
still holding on out here.

ChildlikeEmpress · Oct 28, 2014, 02:43 AM

Today I cut all the mats out of the fur of a poor old snowshoe kitty we are adopting. He looks just awful! I'm trying to clean out his ears too, and he doesn't like it. He's a sweet old cuddly kitty...
Played Scrabble with the Hubs. It's been a nice day, really.

Kiya · Oct 29, 2014, 12:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChildlikeEmpress

Today I cut all the mats out of the fur of a poor old snowshoe kitty we are adopting. He looks just awful! I'm trying to clean out his ears too, and he doesn't like it. He's a sweet old cuddly kitty...
Played Scrabble with the Hubs. It's been a nice day, really.

I hope he makes a nice addition!

Gr3tta · Oct 29, 2014, 10:28 AM

Lately i have just been ruminating on things. I try to turn it into positive work like journaling or writing out things i could take to T. But it puts my anxiety through the roof. Everyone in my head wants attention or wants to demand to be left alone and my body gets so tired im just shaking while fear washes over me.

Patagonia · Oct 29, 2014, 07:22 PM

Today @ T she was all over the place & I had trouble keeping track of who she was talking about. Is that normal? Then stuff had to be repeated bec I didn't hear it. I always thought I was there for everything.
Recently in a conversation she says I have things that I don't remember or things I've done that I don't remember. That makes me very anxious. Then she says I might've done really bad stuff & blocked it out. That scares the crap out of me!

I've also been seeking pain & punishment & not sure where that's coming from. She thinks it might stem from my childhood. That made me get up & leave the appt. I was shaking so badly. I just can't believe where she gets these theories from. I never "enjoyed" punishment as a child. Never!

These last few appts have been infuriating to me & that she's just pulling this stuff from thin air. I don't believe any of it. It's just not possible & I don't have parts that reflect that. Nothing makes sense to me. Nothing at all.
All I do is keep questioning this DID & if I really have it or am I just psychotic, neurotic or just plain crazy.
I'm so lost

ChildlikeEmpress · Oct 30, 2014, 12:14 AM

I am coming down with a cold or something this evening, blech. My brain isn't working enough to write much but I'm checking in anyway. Having depersonalization right now...

Kiya · Oct 30, 2014, 01:20 AM

Empress: try hanging on to things - things you know to be real; a stuffy, a cat, tell yourself the date and time, your name, anything that grounds you to now. yay you for posting and not being mute!

Fuzzybear · Oct 30, 2014, 10:55 AM

Hi Kiya

. Hi all

Gr3tta · Oct 30, 2014, 10:50 PM

I had a nice chat with my did friend today.

Kiya · Oct 31, 2014, 01:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Hi Kiya

. Hi all

Hi Fuzz

Patagonia · Oct 31, 2014, 06:09 PM

Out of control has taken control. Makes me so happy....& dangerous. God help me

Gr3tta · Nov 03, 2014, 12:53 AM

I think I've been me all day! Been awhile. ..

ChildlikeEmpress · Nov 03, 2014, 02:29 AM

Had a bit of shopping fun with my mom this weekend... I must say, the inside kids are VERY excited about Christmas decorations appearing everywhere. Have obtained a pretty string of blue lights and they look like stars in my room

Gr3tta · Nov 03, 2014, 09:34 PM

I want to stop feeling so foggy. Too much switching going on.

ChildlikeEmpress · Nov 04, 2014, 11:20 PM

Egh, today not so good. Depression swooped in for no reason, as did anxiety. I've been coloring in my color books and trying to just feel my feelings instead of making them go away. So that's progress i think.