[ThisWayOut]

I know I have a dissociative disorder, but it's not DID. I was just wondering if anyone else had what I call "half-formed alters"? I have an image of a child in my head, that until recently I saw as my inner child. My therapist had wondered if she was an alter, but then, through conversations, we came up with her not meeting the criteria... She has since disappeared.
I have been very dissociative throughout my life. I lose time and "forget" conversations had and promises made... I often times have no awareness of what I am doing. The worst of this recently was in 2011 when I completely dissociated for more than 2 days (tho I am not totally sure how much time I lost, I just know there are the 2 days I spent in the hospital before I "woke up". During that time, I was functioning and acting like myself, tho apparently a bit more needy and "small" than normal).
I regularly build "walls" between my analytical self, and the one that crashes. I have a ridiculous ability to function at a high level when I am around others, but crumble when I am at home. I can hold it together until the absolute last possible minute, and then I crash... I excelled at a f/t job immediately before and after several hospitalizations... I can totally compartmentalize the different parts of me, but none of it really meets the requirements of DID... I wish I was still seeing my old therapist (recently moved across the country), because I would talk to her about this... I just never really had terms for it, or a more formed idea of what it was I was trying to ask before now...
Does anyone else experience stuff like this? Is it possible to have had alters and integrate them without having treatment to do so?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

I know I have a dissociative disorder, but it's not DID. I was just wondering if anyone else had what I call "half-formed alters"? I have an image of a child in my head, that until recently I saw as my inner child. My therapist had wondered if she was an alter, but then, through conversations, we came up with her not meeting the criteria... She has since disappeared.
I have been very dissociative throughout my life. I lose time and "forget" conversations had and promises made... I often times have no awareness of what I am doing. The worst of this recently was in 2011 when I completely dissociated for more than 2 days (tho I am not totally sure how much time I lost, I just know there are the 2 days I spent in the hospital before I "woke up". During that time, I was functioning and acting like myself, tho apparently a bit more needy and "small" than normal).
I regularly build "walls" between my analytical self, and the one that crashes. I have a ridiculous ability to function at a high level when I am around others, but crumble when I am at home. I can hold it together until the absolute last possible minute, and then I crash... I excelled at a f/t job immediately before and after several hospitalizations... I can totally compartmentalize the different parts of me, but none of it really meets the requirements of DID... I wish I was still seeing my old therapist (recently moved across the country), because I would talk to her about this... I just never really had terms for it, or a more formed idea of what it was I was trying to ask before now...
Does anyone else experience stuff like this? Is it possible to have had alters and integrate them without having treatment to do so?

there are many different types of alternate personalities with many different reasons /disorders/diseases of why they are there. how and why they disappear depends upon the reasons/disorders/diseases and many other things like medications, therapy, and many other issues...

example
an alter that is there because the person is having a hallucination or delusion or psychosis will go away on its own or with medication.

An alter that is there because the alter is a willfully created (consciously or unconsciously created for reasons like pleasing a treatment provider, wanting to be the disorder, invisable friend and other reasons) will disappear/integrate on their own when the person has no more need for that type of alter.

I could go on and on about the many different kinds of alters and why they would or would not disappear/integrate.. the list is endless and is different for everyone.

only your own treatment provider and your self can say how and why this alter of yours disappeared/ integrated.

what I can tell you is that there is diagnostic criteria that states with the dissociative disorder DID the alter must be a special kind and must take control many times not just in therapy.

here in New York, which is in the USA it is believed alters with DID regardless of whether they are fully formed alters or are what we call fragments, dont just suddenly appear and then disappear. they come into being when someone is under extreme abuse as a young child under the age of 5. then after years of therapy the alters will integrate when their job/purpose/reason for being is no longer there.

other locations may hold other standards and beliefs about DID type alters.

the best thing I can tell you is go according to what ever your own treatment provider says your alter was and what ever your treatment provider says is why that alter just suddenly disappeared/integrated with you.

I have had similar experiences but my forgetfullness was more beyond the normal.. anyone can forget things and can not remember things for a few days including stress, dissociative amnesia, physical amnesia, anemia, sleep deprivation and so much more. with me my forgetfulness met the diagnostic criteria for DID..I would forget things like seeing a relative and the reason I would not remember a family trip to that relatives house was because that relative abused me. I would forget where flash lights were because I was abused with a flashlight. I forgot I ever had a velvet christmas dress because I was abused in that dress. Each one of my forgetfulness went beyond the normal realm of forgetfulness because it was trigger related, and the trigger had to do with the abuse I had dissociated. The same when I would forget days...it want just I forgot those days and I appeared to be different. the reason why I appeared to be different was because something triggered me, which caused me to switch into an alter and then the alter took over for those days. the memory of what happened was still there, it was just inside the alter, once integration happened the memory of the missing days came back to me. other times I would not remember whole years and during therapy it was discovered something related to my abuse triggered me to switch into an alter who decided to move out of the area of the trigger.

I was similar to you as in I had walls built up between my self and my alters the difference was that I didnt consciously create those walls. those walls happened during abuse situations...example when I was in a mine shaft being abused I was too young to understand what was going on and the pain was too much for me to handle, they were adults and I was a child so there was no way I could get away from them.. the result was I dissociated myself to where mentally I was not in the mine shaft mentally I was in a boat floating on water. I didnt create the wall between the physically being abused and the mentally floating in a boat on water. my brain automatically did that with out me being aware of doing so. that wall was the sound and feel of water. from that day on through my whole life that "wall" of water was there in my head. 24/7 I would hear the sound of water and sometimes feel like I was floating on water. this "wall" of water was integrated with me when that alter was integrated with me.

I do set up some walls consciously but it doesnt have to do with my dissociation problems. because of the type of work I do, I have to keep my life and feelings separate from my clients. in order to be the best I can be for my clients I cant be falling apart when they are telling me about their problems/painful events. I cant be thinking of myself and my feelings when I am on the witness stand in helping to prosecute abusers. I also cant be bringing my work home with me. I cant be with my wife while constantly dwelling on my clients, the court cases, abused children and such. the result is the moment I walk out my door to go to work I have to be in my work mode frame of mind and the moment I leave work I need to switch over to my private home mode frame of mind...

I used to think my being able to separate parts of myself this way as the dissociative disorder. but then my therapist explained to me that separating parts of myself and my life is completely normal....people normal and disordered do naturally place walls/ compartmentalize their life. children are one way with their parents, another with the baby sitter another way with their teachers, another way with the substitute teacher, another way with their friends.. adults do the same thing they compartmentalize their life accordingly..they are one way at work, another at home, another way at church, another way with their friends even between friends adults compartmentalize by being one way with this friend and that way with another friend. So I dont worry about it any more.

my suggestion is if these things continue to worry you, contact your treatment provider. they can tell you how to do what we call "grounding" "staying present in the moment" so that this separating of your self and your life doesnt keep happening to extremes that bother you.

[Crew]

HI I'm Crew, I'm not a therapist or doctor so I can't diagnose you.I guess we could speculate on what is. is what and you may have DIDNOS. Now what?
Look at what is upsetting your inside parts or alters or ? . now lets heal from this. Pushing for a diagnosis makes doctors cringe in my opinion and I have found with friends and even myself I get a tail behind me of T's that didn't work.
I want and look for trauma therapists. If they have dealt with violence they can help imo again.
I will send you healing thoughts and a few thousand torches to light your way...... what do I know, I 'm just an ole fart.... trying to make it through with good people around me. on your path and I hope we run into each other again.
Crew

[Vibe]

I have had similar experiences. In times of extreme difficulty my mind can split and different personality types will live alongside me and sometimes interact with the world. However, they are not full fledged personalities and I do not have DID. They usually disappear for the most part after I have processed the event, and I still retain primary control throughout.

I also live in an almost constant state, of varying degrees, of depersonalization and derealization. I often fade out and come back to myself without any real control over it. I tend to have to check my body to see if I've performed basic hygiene recently (like showering or teeth brushing) because I can not remember. I have an absolutely horrible memory. Taking in and retaining information is extremely difficult. I have also experienced something akin to fugue states where I lost all memory and had no clue who I was. I probably would have traveled if these states had lasted more than a day and nobody had been with me at the time.

These are all forms of dissociation, but most do not meet the criteria for a specific dissociative disorder. When it is severe, as in my case, they may diagnose with dissociative disorder not otherwise specified (DDNOS). However, dissociation is also associated with stress not related to mental health disorders, and with completely different mental health problems. I could not tell you much else without more information.

[ThisWayOut]

I had another really weird experience of dissociation yesterday... it wasn't like what I am used to. It was at once more conscious and more separate than it has ever been before. While I was aware of what was going on, I was also aware of an underlying push to keep me safe. It was just very weird. I can't describe it well. It happened right before I saw my new therapist, and continued for most of the time I was talking to him. I really struggled to describe it and understand it.
In my initial post, I wasn't so much looking for a confirmation or denial of a DID dx, but more of wondering if anyone else experiences anything like that. It feels very foreign to me, and not what my limited understanding of dissociative disorders covers. Yesterday definitely threw me for a loop. Unfortunately, my therapist is also just an intern with very little experience in dissociative disorders... He was not really helpful in helping me grasp what I was experiencing... while I am happy to have found someone I want to trust and talk to down here, I'm frustrated by his inexperience at times. I want to work through this crap, not just float on through the days. I really miss my old therapist.

[(JD)]

I think sometimes they might be call ego states or fragments.... perhaps centered around a particular emotion or trigger.

IDK how long you've been in therapy, but you know that not all your alters will fully identify themselves unless necessary I guess.... and being denied or ignored will send some to hiding. Can you "just" "allow" that THAT part of you has a job to do for you, and it's okay?

I think just about anything is possible with DID since it's the construct of the brain/mind and necessity. If you (it's all you, remember) "know" consciously or unconsciously that a particular aspect of "you" is no longer necessary I think that part will dissolve or connect with another part of you, or change purpose.... just like when we purposely wish to change some aspect of ourselves, we do it.

Hope this helped.

[jax01]

I have others that are no more than the jobs they do. They're fragments, not fully formed personalities. They have no memories, no wants, no social skills. They work like an auto pilot, leaving whoever is up front( usually me) to disappear, or disengage, or whatever. I get caught standing places, staring into space and not moving, sort of like a robot that been asked a logic question it can't solve. Like the pnes Kirk used talk to on Star Trek. Getting called back feels like waking up from sleep.