[phoenix]

What does it take? I feel so alone and so misunderstood. How am I suppose to explain what is going on with me to my family, friends, and children? How do I tell them about parts and explain bpd and ddnos to them, especially when family are a big part of the reason I am this way. I'm not trying to place blame, it is what it is, but I have very little support. Just spinning out. I feel like I need to tell someone that I'm working on integrating, but who do I tell that isn't going to make me feel crazy or discredited? If I tell people closest to me, I feel like they will treat me differently in a negative way. Idk. Also, when I signed up for this I accidentally spelled pheonix (user name)wrong and can't figure out how to get it changed. I sent a pm to a mod. but didn't get a reply.

This is just so messed up because on the outside, I spend a great deal of time and energy keeping an appearance of being well put together (well sort of), but wow what a hurricane inside with parts everywhere and lost time etc.

...and there it goes again, had something else I wanted to vent about or ask other about, but it is completely gone...

I apologize for being all over the place, having trouble getting my footing this am, and hating myself for feeling so vulnerable and negative.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by pheonix

What does it take? I feel so alone and so misunderstood. How am I suppose to explain what is going on with me to my family, friends, and children? How do I tell them about parts and explain bpd and ddnos to them, especially when family are a big part of the reason I am this way. I'm not trying to place blame, it is what it is, but I have very little support. Just spinning out. I feel like I need to tell someone that I'm working on integrating, but who do I tell that isn't going to make me feel crazy or discredited? If I tell people closest to me, I feel like they will treat me differently in a negative way. Idk. Also, when I signed up for this I accidentally spelled pheonix (user name)wrong and can't figure out how to get it changed. I sent a pm to a mod. but didn't get a reply.

This is just so messed up because on the outside, I spend a great deal of time and energy keeping an appearance of being well put together (well sort of), but wow what a hurricane inside with parts everywhere and lost time etc.

...and there it goes again, had something else I wanted to vent about or ask other about, but it is completely gone...

I apologize for being all over the place, having trouble getting my footing this am, and hating myself for feeling so vulnerable and negative.

worried about your post being all over the place..no worries its very well put together, coherent not all over the place at all...

how do you tell your family friends and children... theres no need to tell them anything at all unless you want to and then tell them what ever you are comfortable with them knowing...

A good place to start in how to tell your family friends and children that you are going through integration is with your treatment provider.. what did your treatment provider tell you about integration....many people have different definitions/meanings for the same words even among treatment providers with want words they use to prepare their clients for the process and what to expect during the process...

only your treatment providers know how and what integration is going to be for you..so talk with them, let them know you would like to include your family, friends and children in this process and how to do so.

getting your name corrected...you did the right process of contacting one of the moderators.. they will tell you how to go about that.

[phoenix]

Thank you so much for your reply, it feel so good to be heard!!!! When I spoke to T last week about having very little support (which she already knew), she did mention various people that I could bring in to talk about this with them, but I had what feels like valid reasons for why each person wouldn't be able/willing/or wanted. She said that it's not unusual for people dealing with these types of issues to have very little support as well.

I have told my best friend about some of it, and she is intrigued, understanding, and excepting as always...but her time is as limited as everyone else so I don't get a chance to fully say all that I want to, and when I do say anything at all, other parts feel sheer terror for having shared.

I'm just beginning (and have only partially) come to terms with this myself. I'm still seeing who is coming to the table in the technique, so I feel as if I'm at my most vulnerable so that maybe this isn't even the right time to explain it. Idk...and one of the people I want to tell the most is the person who has been the most unavailable, and caused the most damage. I don't want to tell her to hurt her, I just need her support and although she may want to be supportive, she is simply incapable. I guess in processing this out loud, I need to be aware of expectations. What do I expect to be the outcome, and what is realistically the possible outcome...

I'm wondering too if anyone has dealt with the feeling that their t is getting annoyed with having to deal with you for so long and annoyed with some of your parts? I'm not sure if it's the hyper-mentalism that comes with bpd (being sensitive to facial expressions etc)...I feel like a burden, but again processing out loud...that may all be what parts are used to feeling.

I do still feel as though I am all over the place because I switch (for lack of a better word) so frequently, even within the time frame of typing this that I feel like I'm missing things in between it all. Thank you though for saying that it is coherent , it feels like chaos.

I really can't thank you enough for your reply, processing out loud (and not just within my own parts haha, and outside of a therapy session) is just so helpful!!!!

[jax01]

Switch is the right word
BBL

[ThisWayOut]

My wife understands my dissociation a bit better than family. They are a bit less open to mental illness I'm general, and just think i should change the way i think and everything would be ok. I try to get them to understand, but it's useless. My wife has also been the one to see the dissociation directly. No one else has personally witnessed it. I don't have asked so much as different sources to my personality that are stronger at various times. Lately the inTegration had been better, but not by much. (I'm doing this on my phone, so please excuse the horrid spacing). I think feeling like your t is frustrated with you is common with many people. I know i have felt that way a lot of the time. I struggle with it must when I'm feeling more needy and a mess. My therapist has been kind enough so far too tell me that i do not bother or annoy him. Out can be hard to believe when the abuse and other life experiences make you believe you are s bother - definitely something i deal with a lot.

[phoenix]

Originally Posted by jax01

Switch is the right word
BBL

Thank you, I wasn't sure if it was still called "switching" when it is DDnos (on the border of DID).

[phoenix]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

My wife understands my dissociation a bit better than family. They are a bit less open to mental illness I'm general, and just think i should change the way i think and everything would be ok. I try to get them to understand, but it's useless. My wife has also been the one to see the dissociation directly. No one else has personally witnessed it. I don't have asked so much as different sources to my personality that are stronger at various times. Lately the inTegration had been better, but not by much. (I'm doing this on my phone, so please excuse the horrid spacing). I think feeling like your t is frustrated with you is common with many people. I know i have felt that way a lot of the time. I struggle with it must when I'm feeling more needy and a mess. My therapist has been kind enough so far too tell me that i do not bother or annoy him. Out can be hard to believe when the abuse and other life experiences make you believe you are s bother - definitely something i deal with a lot.

Although it isn't a pleasant experience to feel as though we can't talk to family, and it feels like we are a burden at times to T, it is good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Coming on here, and finding others has really made a big difference for me.

[Gr3tta]

Thanks for your posts phoenix. I appreciate your sharing, and they make perfect sense to me.

[amandalouise]

phoenix....dont worry about using the correct terms...there are many people from many different cultures, locations, countries, religions,....

everyone just calls it according to what the problem is called in their own location...

example

here where I live and work it isnt called "switch" its called dissociate, dissociated...

someone I know from another USA state calls it "blanked out"

I have also heard the words/phrases.....
spaced off,
floated on the ceiling,
became a wall,
slipping backwards,
zoned out,
sinking,
off in left field,
off in right field,
taking a walk with jesus (or other higher power)
Took a mini vacation
changed
morphed
switched
became an altered state of reality

the list goes on but being a coffee drinker my all time favorite.was when my wife called it...you just went for coffee lol

there are many different words people use for the same problem...it usually depends upon what it feels like to the person that is dissociating.

there is no right and wrong. if you are comfortable using the word "switch" then feel free to use that word. if you want to use another word thats ok too.

[phoenix]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

phoenix....dont worry about using the correct terms...there are many people from many different cultures, locations, countries, religions,....

everyone just calls it according to what the problem is called in their own location...

example

here where I live and work it isnt called "switch" its called dissociate, dissociated...

someone I know from another USA state calls it "blanked out"

I have also heard the words/phrases.....
spaced off,
floated on the ceiling,
became a wall,
slipping backwards,
zoned out,
sinking,
off in left field,
off in right field,
taking a walk with jesus (or other higher power)
Took a mini vacation
changed
morphed
switched
became an altered state of reality

the list goes on but being a coffee drinker my all time favorite.was when my wife called it...you just went for coffee lol

there are many different words people use for the same problem...it usually depends upon what it feels like to the person that is dissociating.

there is no right and wrong. if you are comfortable using the word "switch" then feel free to use that word. if you want to use another word thats ok too.

Hahaha, "went for coffee"!!! I like that one. Thanks for your reply. What has been utterly confusing is the gray area of being DDNOS. I did realize though that I do lose time, so I'm even more confused. Things like (and I can't remember if I already mentioned this) turning around to do the dishes, and realizing I had already done them (but had no memory of it), or coming to realize that I was in the bathroom putting on lotion, and my hair was wet...so I must have just taken a shower. These types of things happen frequently, but I had never mentioned it to t because I just figured I had a lot on my mind (still not sure). t said it may be DID, but we aren't sure because we can't get anyone to tell us who did the dishes! I have parts that won't tell their name etc. I know there was something else I was just going to write...

Oh yeah, and then when we were talking about that in therapy, I got a headache, and she said she has another client who gets headaches when there is internal conflict with an alter (trying to come out, or not trying to come out)...idk confusing. She also started talking to me about violence and how it can get me arrested...but, I haven't done anything (something I will need to address with her to get a better understanding of why this topic came up. Anyway, that night (after therapy), I got an ocular migraine, which I haven't had in a couple years. My left eye had a strobing arc so that I can't see for 20 min. out of it, then the painful migraine follows for the next couple of days. Fun stuff, especially considering I am a single mother of 2 boys.

Seems like there was something else I was going to add...there is just so much. Has anyone had any of these experiences or have anything else they would like to share or add?