The Need vs. The Habit

Hey guys, have any of you ever wanted something but when it came down to it your habit or depression stopped you? That's the story of my life, I want friends and a life worth living but every time opportunity striks my depression kicks in along with fear and mistrust. So in the end I'm left with myself and loneliness like always. Do any of you tend to do that? If so feel free to share your srory.

for me no my mental disorders did not stop me from dating, having friends. quite the opposite actually because when ever I felt any emotions like sadness, fear, anxiety what ever .... I would dissociate (shut down, go numb, depersonalize or dissociate into one of my alters) then I was able to continue on functioning as if nothing was wrong, like I was ok.

example last night my wife and I went out. I was a bit anxious because the twins were battling ear infections and an upper respiratory infection. I am also in my depression phase of my bipolar disorder. I dissociated ....shut down those feelings, numbed myself to the anxiety and depression and was able to leave the house with out a problem, just as if I didnt have any anxiety nor depression. At the restaurant it was quite crowded and I got a bit of anxiety and depressed again. I started dissociating again....spacing out, numbing myself, shutting down those feelings and then I was ok to continue eating my meal and continued on with what turned out to be a fantastic evening with my wife..

for me dissociation is a coping tool that enables me to continue functioning as if nothing is wrong, as if nothing is triggering me, as if I dont have depression and anxiety problems...

Sometimes my depression/dissociation is kinda under control. But my social world is limited. I go grocery shopping when I have to. I may get there but my hard wired issues kick in and I feel like screaming on the inside and have to get home.

Tommorrow I need to see the dentist. Tuesday a therapist. Wednesday my P'doc and craft group on Thursday. I may see a friend for coffee. That's about all I can tolerate. The thought of Christmas does not thrill me. My life has become small.

Oh gosh yes! It keeps me from going places or meeting up with friends. I stay home most of the time because i get too anxious!

My biggest issue over time has been the inability to have normal friendships. I believe that someone inside has some trauma based rule for me that I am not allowed to have close friends. It is too scarey. This makes no logical sense, which is SOOO frustrating! I make due by having acquaintences at work and allowing therapy to meet my intimacy needs as much as it can. Maybe some day I will get communication with the part of me who fears friendship, and we can work through this. For now, I'm just stuck.

It did for a long time and now I just try and fight it. When I start dissociating I know it's time to hold of the big fights and get help with them, but if it's just my anxiety I can usually get past it. Depressions a bit harder because it's harder to be motivated but I can do it.

I try and sabatage some of my better times but I can tell when I do it enough to try and fix it.

I refuse to miss out on the awesome bits of life. It's why I fight so hard and why I can honestly say I'm doing this for me. Sure it takes a lot of effort and time (at least as twice as long as most people) but I really wanted to do school and I really want to study what I'm studying and damn it if I was going toget in the way of my dreams, and definitely not some stupid *** who hurt me.

And I cling to that even when I don't think I can believe it or whenever I think I can't do it.