[innocentjoy]

So I have had something happen recently that has been very difficult.

My abuser started appearing in my head about a month ago, very vivid images, and very very creepy. Because he is dead, my youngest alter was convinced that he started haunting us. I know that this isn't true because it is coming from inside me. He answers every question that I ask, and has a respons and reaction to everything my T says. This is all coming from my head, the same way all the other alters' voices do.

The only issue is that this is very scary stuff. It's like he is here to try and prove to me that I am just like him, to make me as terrified as possible. He always seems to know exactly what to say to unnerve me the most. When asked why he's here, he responds that I want him here, I want him watching me, I want to be just like him. When I tell him that none of that is true, he says that if I didin't want him here, he wouldn't be here. He'd go away if I didn't actually want him there. This goes on and on until I find a way to stop talking and block him out. I know in my head that what he is saying is not true. I know he is voicing all of my deepest fears, and that none of it is based in reality or truth. But it's scary stuff.

What makes it so difficult is that it's new. He's brand new, and I haven't developed an alter in about 10 years. I'm worried that just when I'm starting to heal, develop healthy coping skills and have integrated a couple parts, I'm just adding a new one to the mix.

My T thinks he is an introject of my fear of becoming like him, but it doesn't make things less difficult.

I want to believe that this is here because a part of my finally feels safe enough to admit to this fear and knows that I have the support finally to work through it all. But it is so scary to have that constant reminder, that I dont' know.

How can I learn to stick up for myself and not take what he is saying to heart?


IJ

[Claritytoo]

Do the other parts know anything about him? Can you ask them. Someone else in your system may know where he came from. I have sometimes askes my parts what they think about a certain part. Sometimes I get good insight.

[innocentjoy]

They are all aware of him, and most are frightened. My youngest is still convinced he is a ghost haunting us, and even my most negative part is at a loss. I have posed the question to them, and will wait and see if anyone has any ideas over the next few days. Sometimes it takes a bit to get an answer back for things like this.

Thanks for such a quick answer back, this was stressing me out.

[Claritytoo]

I am sure someone will be able to tell you more about him. Be well

[possum220]

If this part is being scary,,, can you send him into lock down for a time just so he is safe and then you can be safe too. It may take a while for you and your T to work on this. Do you have a stuffie or some safe place that you can be too?

[Tremor]

Maybe an alter of your dad was created so you could finally stick up for yourself and tell him exactly how you feel about him. This might be your time to truly get your chance to tell him everything you've ever wanted to say to him. Your other alters may get their strength to stick up for themselves against him once they see you are strong enough to confront him.
You asked how you can stick up for yourself and not take what he is saying to heart...well, I would say that you are stronger than him because you are not like him. You chose to realize the things your dad did was wrong and you didn't want to hurt other people the way he hurt you. Don't let the alter of your dad make you doubt yourself. I'm sure you can list many things to him that he has done to hurt you. You have the upper hand against him because you are stronger and better than he is as a person. He doesn't deserve your fear; he deserves to fear you. You know the kind of person he truly is and you know you are a better person than he is.

[innocentjoy]

Tremor: It was not my dad who abused me. My dad is actually one of the kindest and most respectful people I know. I'm very lucky that way. He has been my only positive male role model.

I can't stand up against him (alter/voice) right now. That is the problem. I am too scared, so between sessions I've been avoiding it as much as possible. No matter what I say, he always has a scary answer to it, and is very manipulative. We talked at my last session about it possibly being my greatest fears voicing themselves through this vision/voice/alter/whatever it is.

The most I'm able to do out of therapy is not let my mind go there, and focus on distracting and avoiding. I know my T doesn't want me to focus on 'what' it is, and rather on finding a way to confront him, but I keep thinking that if I knew 'what' it was I could better equip myself. It's difficult.

I really do appreciate the support from you all, though!

[Tremor]

Oh, I am so sorry innocentjoy!! I must have been projecting my abuser unto yours...I need more sleep. I am so sorry again.
Do you think distracting and avoiding is the best thing for you to do? I'm just asking because I tend to do that way too much. I allow myself to do it for about a week, but then I force myself to try to deal with what's bothering me.
What scares you the most about your abuser?

[possum220]

I wish I could help. Hugs if you want them or need them.

[innocentjoy]

Possum: I definitely am happy and grateful for the hugs, thank you!!!

Tremor: no worries about the wrong name. It's an easy mistake to make, especially with stuff going on. Reading stuff online it's always harder to keep track of different people and their personal info. Hugs!!

Distracting during times when it's not good to focus on, like at night is good for me. I'm like you, though. It's too easy to distract/avoid on some things. I see my T weekly and will save the major issues for his sessions. I like to know someone is with me in the room for really tough things like this. It makes me feel safer, and he is great at giving suggestions on what to do in the moment to help. I feel more like part of a team, than alone.

I'm really struggling to understand why this is all coming out now, when I've started feeling safer and healing. The only thing I can think is that my mind is finally feeling safe enough to bring up the issue of me being like him. Or maybe not like him, but being bad. I think the worst part of it, is that he keeps telling me I want this. I want him here, I want to relive it all, I wanted (back then) to have all those things happen. I don't logically believe it, but parts of me are very certain that if they had really not wanted to go through with any of it, it wouldn't have happened.

There was a time when I was very small that he manipulated me into "choosing" to go through with the abuse. I wonder if that is where the issue is coming from. I keep reminding myself that I probably chose that so that I wouldn't be hurt as bad, and that had I known everything it entailed i woulnd't ahve agreed, and that I was a very small little girl. But that could be the issue.

Wow, I'm sorry this got so deep, I didn't mean to put in any details, and i hope I haven't triggered anyone....this will definitely be brought up in session this week.

Thanks,
IJ

[lifelies]

It sounds like a new alter to me.
But I think that if you completely refuse to host an alter, it will end up going away.
Or not, I'm not sure. I still don't know where alters come from, a while ago it was said that an alter was a specific region of the brain.
Hugs,
Lana