Dissociation and memory loss

Hey there,

Not sure if I am posting in the right forum, let me know if I am in fact not.

Dissociation is one of my biggest issues. I have for a long time wanted to go to school for child and youth care, but have put it off because I am afraid that I won't be able to absorb anything.

I have such a hard time thinking. Like, when people who meditate explain that their goal in meditation is a blank pallet, a clear mind, I always want to tell them that it isn't that hard, I've been in that state for years. Almost like I am on auto pilot, and I can't take control of the vehicle even when I try.

I have huge issues with my memory. Both long term and short term. Often times, a friend will talk about a conversation that was had between them and myself, and I will have no recollection of it at all. Or even situations.

I'll drive to the store, and then home, but not remember which route I took, or what I bought, or if I even bought anything.

I try to take interest in things, but because I can't make my mind work a lot of the time, I fail to take interest. I also have a hard time relating with others because I'm so detached from my own emotions.

Does anyone else have similar experiences?

Hi Mignates,
You did not mention if you have talked to a profession about your memory problems, so I have to ask. Memory issues could be due to something else, too so I hope if you haven't yet already, talked to your doctor or therapist. I don't have any experience with memory issues personally but just wanted to respond to your post.

Hi there - I do recognise your auto pilot/ blank spaces - it took me years to get up the courage to go to collage, as I feared not being able to function. As Breathedeep says, talk to a professional about this, a good therapist can give you the support you need to do the things you want to do

Hi Mignates

You sound like me. I have since been diagnosed, but lack of memory and lack of emotion were the only things that I knew of that bothered me a lot. It took a long time in therapy to figure everything out. You should speak to a therapist. It helps.

Thanks everyone. Pond, what was your diagnosis if you don't mind me asking?

Hi Mignates,

I have Dissociative Identity disorder. So my symptoms kept changing with each alter. The two main things that seem to persist was the memory loss and lack of emotion. It took years of therapy (I'm in Canada) to rule everything else out. I do have episodes of schizophrenia or schizoid like symptoms and that's what my first diagnosis was. But those periods have now been attributed to one alter. I do take medication for that. Find a good therapist. I wouldn't be where I am today without the help of a lot of people.
Good luck.

Thank you Pond, that is good information to have. I'm going to research the Dissociative Personality Disorder.

Just some information for you.....here in america dissociative disorders is no longer listed among personality disorders. there is no dissociative personality disorder now. the personality disorders now are .....
(from the index page of the DSM 5)
Personality Disorders
General Personality Disorder
Cluster A Personality Disorders
Paranoid Personality Disorder
Schizoid Personality Disorder
Schizotypal Personality Disorder
Cluster B Personality Disorders
Antisocial Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Cluster C Personality Disorders
Avoidant Personality Disorder
Dependent Personality Disorder
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder8 • DSM-5 Table of Contents

Other Personality Disorders
Personality Change Due to Another Medical Condition
Other Specified Personality Disorder
Unspecified Personality Disorder

the dissociative disorders now have their own grouping rather than in with the personality disorders.

a bit more information...I know many people who have dissociation problems, and are college students and do wonderfully, the key is learning how to....ground....yourself back in reality....

example I take college classes....when I start feeling dissociation symptoms I do something physical to put me back in touch with reality and out of my dissociative symptoms... take notes (writing them on a note pad or typing them into my notebook's writing program) I also take with me some sort of recording device so that I can audio record the discussion, that way not only do I have my notes I have the class discussion to help me remember what goes on in the classes I am in.

one of my therapists once told me never let my problems run me or I will end up with a life full of regrets, I wish I had..., I should have....

I have a choice.... I can do nothing and use my problems as excuses to not having the type of life I wanted or I can get active and turn my life into the kind of life I want to have...mentally and physically handicapped people can do anything normal people can do...they may have to jump a few extra obstacles and figure out which ways work for them but its possible for me to become a therapist... and she was right.. I had many challenges to navigate through, like my memory problem and dissociative symptoms but with creativity and perseverance I made my life the way I want it to be...

if you want to go into your field of choice talk with your treatment providers they can help you gain the tools you will need like grounding, and other things that can help you remember whats going on in those classes you want to take... they might even know of some agencies that can help you with special grants, aids/equipment that can help.

Wow I feel like I could have wrote that myself... I go through all of that, still trying to get a diagnosis as to what I have. The whole thing about wanting to go to school but being afraid you won't absorb anything... that's one of my biggest fears right now. I'm even afraid to take on a job at this point because there have been so many times at past jobs where someone has told me to do something and I pretty much instantly forget what I'm supposed to do, then I feel like an idiot for having to ask again.

And that thing about hearing about a conversation you had with someone, or something you did in the past but not being able to recall it... ugh. That happens to me all the time... "Hey remember when we did this?" "Or hey remember when you did that!" And I'm just like "Yeah... that was mad funny." Even though I can barely (or sometimes not at all) remember doing/saying these things.

What about things like reading? There is so often that when I try to read a book I end up having to re-read things over and over because I just can't seem to absorb the information. Same with movies or a tv show... it's like I'm watching it just to pass the time because I don't actually absorb or think about things. My mind is always so blank -_-

I heard somewhere that this is because anxiety and depression symptoms are so high, that they are taking up the majority of our brains processing power, and this makes us not be able to think freely, link things together like other people, think of positive things, etc. That kind of makes sense to me...

I'm always being told my emotions don't match those of the situation I'm in, I have trouble recalling past emotions/memories etc and also absorbing information, like they've said something to me but no matter how many times they've said it i still don't understand or 'get it' and i just wondered if this is the same thing...I'm sorry if i have come to the wrong forum, but this is something i need to help to understand as I'm at a loss.

I'm also experiencing A LOT of memory loss now. It's disturbing. It's also frightening to wonder how much worse is it going to get? And what is going to happen if I get to the point where I can't remember anything at all?

'People make a big thing out of meditation but the older I get the more I realize that what they're talking about is just clearing your thoughts and that can be done anywhere using countless number of methods. It doesn't need to be TM or yoga. I realize that I do it all of the time. Listening to music can clear your thoughts. Russell Simmons is the latest one to push meditation but it's not magic.

I lose my train of thought when I'm talking and that started in 8th grade. My thoughts just trail off. Ritalin has helped recently (tegretol too, with much tiredness). I don't know if I'll ever get myself back again.

I feel exactly like you do.
I have black outs and my mind and memory seems to be blank regarding memory and sometimes feelings - both long- and short-term.
Tom