[ThisWayOut]

I knew I had dissocaited quite a bit during my major break-downs in the past, but didn't realize how much time I had actaully lost. I was reading through my records from that time and found at least 3 hospitalizations that I have no memory of, like zero. And they average about 7 days each (one 3 days, one 5, one over 10)... There was also one hospitalization of which I have no memory of the first 2 days, but I was aware of the loss of time and the hospitalization because I "woke up" after a few days, totally disoriented and not knowing how I had gotten there... It's weird having read all that and having information about what happened those times. It's also a bit disconcerting seeing how much time I had lost. I thought it was only a day or two, when it was actually much more often than that, and for longer periods of time...
I will be talking about it with my new T today, but until that time... wow... kinda blown away by the information I found.
Overall, it was a very sobering read. It felt like I was reading about someone else most of the time. I feel so far from that space now, even when I do have episodes of regression, it's not been as bad as what's in my history... Definitely never want to get back to that point.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I knew I had dissocaited quite a bit during my major break-downs in the past, but didn't realize how much time I had actaully lost. I was reading through my records from that time and found at least 3 hospitalizations that I have no memory of, like zero. And they average about 7 days each (one 3 days, one 5, one over 10)... There was also one hospitalization of which I have no memory of the first 2 days, but I was aware fo the loss of time and the hospitalization because I "woke up" after a few days, totally disoriented and not knowing how I had gotten there... It's weird having read all that and having information about what happened those times. It's also a bit disconcerting seeing how much time I had lost. I thought it was only a day or two, when it was actually much more often than that, and for longer periods of time...
I will be talking about it with my new T today, but until that time... wow... kinda blown away by the information I found.
Overall, it was a very sobering read. It felt like I was reading about someone else most of the time. I feel so far from that space now, even when I do have episodes of regression, it's not been as bad as what's in my history... Definitely never want to get back to that point.

yes it can be a bit overwhelming to discover proof of lost time can't it. the one thing that helps me to put it into perspective is that is that each different type of time loss I have had, the p roof came to me in sort of patterns...

example

if the time loss came due to my alters taking over the proof I discovered on the rare times it was available to me, would be directly associated with the alter that who's job, purpose, reason for being was to handle that situation in which I was unable to handle...if for example the situation that I could not handle was work stress, the alter who's job,purpose reason for being was to handle that work stress took over, then I would later find proof that I had lost time at work and days afterwards.

the good part of having hospital/treatment provider records is that the documentation tells the reason that form of treatment was given, which can also point to why I had dissociated and which alter took over when I dissociated...

example..

one of my proof of time loss came in the form of a hospital/treatment provider record stating...

Amandalouise was on the job when she was witness to a domestic violence situation. As a result of this she suffered PTSD and dissociative symptoms where she was found at her desk crying uncontrollably. Patient was transported to the hospital where she was a patient for 5 days.

I was not aware of dissociating/becoming an alter but when I saw this on my records I was immediately flooded with emotions...oh crud Im lucky I didnt lose my job. Im glad I shared my diagnosis with my boss and she was able to get me the help I needed. dang it lost time again! wait a minute it says I was crying uncontrollably thats rainy, ok I can relax Rainy is my alter that would take over when ever I dissociated due to extreme sadness.

my point is when ever I discovered I lost time I would look at the pattern to see why I dissociated and which alter took over during that dissociative moment if it was related to my DID type of lost time.

if the lost time was a result of my depersonalization/derealization disorder that too had definite patterns I could match the proof to...

Hospital/treatment records...
Amandalouise was brought in to the hospital by her wife. she was hospitalized due to PTSD/dissociative symptoms. when she was seen for intake she was incoherent, and discussed something had caused her anxiety to where she was now unable to focus on the present moment. She says she keeps seeing the same event over and over again and can not get out of her mind (psychosis? flashback?) Anadalouise's wife was concerned due to a past diagnosis of DID. recommending inpateint for observation and treatment.

another entry related to this hospitalization...
Amandalouise is much more focused/grounded today. She discovered one of her abusers was released from prison. the news caused her to dissociate (feel numb, spaced out, feelings of unrealness even though she knew she was real and her environment was real.)

I was there for 2 weeks and have no memory of that hospitalization but the pattern was established in the proof...I was hospitalized because I dissociated after discovering one of my abusers was released from prison.

my suggestion look at the proof that pointed you to the time loss, with in that proof you will discover the how/why/what caused you to lose that time. then you and your treatment provider can help with treatment options that will make it so that, that dissociative trigger wont cause you to dissociate or to be hospitalized again.

[ThisWayOut]

sadly, these records are not as thorough as yours seem to be. They simply state I was hospitalized for self-harm and suicidal ideation with plan. there's nothing in the records to give me a heads-up to the pattern other than knowing I dissociate right around the time of a really serious suicide attempt. They did not note anything pointing to dissociation, and the only mention of my lost time realized while inpatient is a note that one morning I had woken up tearful and confused, but no mention of what I was confused about. Maybe if I try to talk it over with either my current t, or my t at the time (still in contact with her long-distance), we can figure out a pattern. The only other thing noted was that I get really quiet and slow to respond prior to some hospitalizations, but I remember some of those and not others.
I tried to tell new T about that today, but I was having trouble explaining it all to her. She got hung up on trying to figure out why in the world they would have noted the futility of treatment so often in my records ("this pt will struggle with symptoms for her lifetime, with little chance of meaningful recovery" was written in several reports shortly followed by a reference to my abuse history as validation for the statement). I couldn't figure out how to communicate effectively with her today... she was also trying to figure out if I had any alters, but I wasn't sure how to explain the situation in my head. it's not alters, but different, distinct aspects of me... she seemed to have a hard time understanding the extent of hte disconnect within my head, and how that impairs things. she was trying to normalize some stuff I know for sure is not normal, but I couldn't figure out how to tell her that... then I was triggered by the content of the rest of our session, and skipped out on her (mentally).
I wish I had a t that was 1)more experienced with trauma work, 2)more experienced in general (she is still a student), and 3) had more availability. This whole opening up the trauma stuff with 20 minutes left in session, then ending without any real grounding is too difficult.
I had written something last week that would have started to explain things, but I could not force myself to show her... I know she doesn;t know me. I know she doesn;t know most of what I write is accessed on my phone, but she didn't even look at it when I tried to hand it to her...
training a t is hard. training myself is hard. i don;t know if I want to keep struggling through this process with her.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

sadly, these records are not as thorough as yours seem to be. They simply state I was hospitalized for self-harm and suicidal ideation with plan. there's nothing in the records to give me a heads-up to the pattern other than knowing I dissociate right around the time of a really serious suicide attempt. They did not note anything pointing to dissociation, and the only mention of my lost time realized while inpatient is a note that one morning I had woken up tearful and confused, but no mention of what I was confused about. Maybe if I try to talk it over with either my current t, or my t at the time (still in contact with her long-distance), we can figure out a pattern. The only other thing noted was that I get really quiet and slow to respond prior to some hospitalizations, but I remember some of those and not others.
I tried to tell new T about that today, but I was having trouble explaining it all to her. She got hung up on trying to figure out why in the world they would have noted the futility of treatment so often in my records ("this pt will struggle with symptoms for her lifetime, with little chance of meaningful recovery" was written in several reports shortly followed by a reference to my abuse history as validation for the statement). I couldn't figure out how to communicate effectively with her today... she was also trying to figure out if I had any alters, but I wasn't sure how to explain the situation in my head. it's not alters, but different, distinct aspects of me... she seemed to have a hard time understanding the extent of hte disconnect within my head, and how that impairs things. she was trying to normalize some stuff I know for sure is not normal, but I couldn't figure out how to tell her that... then I was triggered by the content of the rest of our session, and skipped out on her (mentally).
I wish I had a t that was 1)more experienced with trauma work, 2)more experienced in general (she is still a student), and 3) had more availability. This whole opening up the trauma stuff with 20 minutes left in session, then ending without any real grounding is too difficult.
I had written something last week that would have started to explain things, but I could not force myself to show her... I know she doesn;t know me. I know she doesn;t know most of what I write is accessed on my phone, but she didn't even look at it when I tried to hand it to her...
training a t is hard. training myself is hard. i don;t know if I want to keep struggling through this process with her.

not trying to diagnose you, just an idea to think about...since they did not note any dissociation issues then maybe it was related to your depression...sometimes my other mental disorders cause me to lose time...

example when I am in manic phase of my bipolar my mind is working so fast it doesnt store minute details. example one time I bought a whole mess of stuff. I did not remember doing so. I thought it was because of my dissociative problems but it turned out that it was a bipolar thing not a dissociative thing , sometimes too if I am depressed/suicidal I dont always remember it because my body/mind is so consumed with depression/suicide that my mind represses the memories (repressed memories is different then DID, and other dissociative disorders here in america) of what goes on during that time.....

there are many mental, physical and normal problems that can cause a person to not remember things like lack of sleep, dehydration, poor nutrition ...

my point is since they didnt note a dissociative problem maybe it wasnt a dissociative problem...but the onyl way you will know for sure why this happens to you is to talk with your treatment providers or a treatment provider in your off line location. here online all we can do is tell you why things happen to ourselves and what our own treatment providers called it. we can read your posts and let you know what goes on with in ourselves so that you dont feel so alone, and we can make suggestions that may or may not help, but other than that its up to you and your own treatment providers to figure out what is going on with in you. Im sorry I cant be more helpful.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm not so worried about the diagnosis as I am taken aback by how much time I lost. I know there are several mentions of ddnos in many of the records, but that was before they changed the dsm this time around. I have not scanned the latest version, so I wouldn't know what that diagnosis changes to.

Is there a good way to describe this stuff to t so she would get what I mean? I'm trying to write or draw it out, but I'm not sure it would make sense to her...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I'm not so worried about the diagnosis as I am taken aback by how much time I lost. I know there are several mentions of ddnos in many of the records, but that was before they changed the dsm this time around. I have not scanned the latest version, so I wouldn't know what that diagnosis changes to.

Is there a good way to describe this stuff to t so she would get what I mean? I'm trying to write or draw it out, but I'm not sure it would make sense to her...

Im sorry there is no one way to explain it to a treatment provider so that they will understand. this is because mental disorders affect each person differently there is uniform diagnostic's here in the USA but the problems and symptoms can be infinite... the best way to get your treatment provider to understand what you mean is just be honest and tell them what is happening with you, what you feel your problems/symptoms are.

you are right here in the USA the DSM has changed and with it came many new mental disorders and some mental disorders received a new name and other mental disorders were discontnued as a mental disorder due to those problems being researched, and documented and now more is understood about those problems...

As for DDNOS the USA no longer has a mental disorder called DDNOS. here is where you can read about the dissociative disorders recognized by america in the presently used DSM 5...

http://forums.psychcentral.com/disso...s-dsm-5-a.html

short version with DDNOS many of its symptoms /problems wereadded to the PTSD mental disorder (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and the rest of the DDNOS mental disorder was divided up into two new mental disorders called OSDD (other Specified Dissociative Disorder) and UDD (unspecified Dissociative Disorder).

your treatment provider will be able to explain which of these mental disorders (PTSD, OSDD, or UDD) that fits you according to what your own problems/symptoms are. you can also ask for a psychiatric evaluation. this is an indepth testing process that will be able to tell you where you fit in according to the news DSM 5 diagnostic standards.