Child parts and partners

Anyone care to share tips for managing an adult relationship with child parts showing up?

What child parts? I don't think I understand your question very well.

Remember that the child is a child and treat her/him as so. For instance if the child is 7, do things you would normally do with a 7 year old, like colour or watch a kids movie. Make sure body language is appropriate.
I also suggest working on creating a schedule for when children (and others) can be out so you don't wind up with child part popping out on your planned date night.

I didnt have to worry tooo much about child parts (alternate personalities) that were not equipped to handle adult relationships coming out at the wrong times.

part of the reason I have DID is that I was sexually abused before the age of 5. what that meant for me was that many if not all my alternate personalities knew about adult relationships (sex, dating and such) just because of the nature of the abuse and for them it was a normal part of life since thats what their life was like.

each of my alters were a special kind of alter where they each had their own jobs, purposes, reasons for being. the result of this was that they would take over for me when ever I became triggered (upset/uncomfortanble/ anxious....) about something. the corresponding alter who's job, purpose reason for being was to handle that issue that I was having a problem with would take over, handle that problem for me.

example (this may be a bit graphic for some....)

if my girlfriend (now wife) and I were intimate and suddenly I dissociated into an alternate personality that alter was fully knowledge- able and able to handle the situation and continue on as if nothing had happened.

I would be the one who would become aware and discover we had se and I had no memory of doing so.

this time loss/memory loss problem caused my now wife and I some problems because for her everything was fine and dandy and here I was going so what happened last night anyway. and she would look at me and say well it couldnt have been much if you cant remember. I thought we had connected on a more meaningful level for the both of us but I guess not.

I had been diagnosed with DID by this time so I sat down with her and explained to her what dissociation was and how it affected me, then we went to my therapist for couples therapy.

through this my now wife and I learned that even in normal relationships sometimes there are things that will cause one or the other person in the relationship to become uncomfortable. in normal relationships the involved people have the ability to choose or not to choose to continue even when they feel triggered. sometimes a person with dissociative disorders of any kind will fall back on dissociative type coping skills rather then let their partner know something isnt right.

my girlfriend now wife and I learned how to talk with each other about what we both like and dont like, having boundaries like having a safe word in which the moment either one says that word at any time all activities must be stopped until both are comfortable/non triggered and able to continue.

using these tools brought my girlfriend and I closer and i was able to have a more meaningful and remain grounded during intimate moments. we also use these and other grounding skills during our non intimate moments. just last night we were out to dinner at a friends house. the friends husband was a bit tipsy from alcohol and getting to be a bit much for my wife. she used our safety word in a sentence, then we both excused ourselves saying we really needed to get home to our children, and relieve the babysitter. my wife is not DID but the skills a person learns for dealing with dissociation are the same skills anyone can use whether they are dissociative disordered or not.

I am referring to alters that seem to be children.

I struggle with this too. I think Gr3tta's advice is good, to have your partner treat the child part as a child, with appropriate body language and such. Does your partner know about the child parts, or when they are out? They may need help recognizing when the little ones are out and when it would be good to change their approach -- my hubby and I are working on this, too. Partners may only see it as a mood change or similar and not realize how to approach the child part.

I just talk to them like a kind parent.

My husband and several of our young inside kids have a good relationship. He reads them stories sometimes at night, takes them to childrens movies, to the zoo, to the park. There are certain times for that and other times when we make sure it is just adults with him.

It seems like my child parts have been locked down for so long, mostly at this point they sob or are terrified. I don't want my partner to keep seeing that. There's a lot of grief inside. I am pretty sure, they are capable of having fun. But I, the everyday capable part, am concerned that might also freak out my partner. Being young and scared, they only tend to emerge if I am home alone. Then it feels like we're stretching out and breathing after a long car trip. Does that make sense. And it's not like I can control it. I mean, on some level the message got to the inside, a very long time ago, "no childlike behavior is acceptable in the home. Be a little adult." So actually, the parts I'm aware of aren't really spontaneous anyway.

one thing about dissociation is that its a reaction to a trigger. find that trigger and you will find what causes you to dissociate into the child like alters.

example being home alone is a sure fire trigger that caused me to dissociate into an alter that would cry/be scared/terrified/ by turning on the tv I felt less alone because I could hear the tv voices. or I would put on music, my wife and I would also alert the neighbors when she had to be out of town. one thing about neighbors. you dont need to tell them you are afraid to be alone, you just let them know during normal conversation that one or the other is going to be out of town and they naturally tend to call to see if you need anything (milk bread what ever...), call just to check on how things are going, call for conversation...which was a great help. my wife and I also send emails /small chalt videos and skype when one or the other of us are out of town so I dont feel so alone. we also have quite a variety of pets ...birds, dogs, cats. that can also be comforting when home alone. Another thing that helps me is that I have lots of child like blankets/toys that are the same as those I had when I was a child. before I was integrated I found that ifg I carried /played with/held the toys it was calming things down in my head with the alters so there was no need for me to dissociate to get away from the head chaos in turn the alters did not need to come out to get their needs met. they were getting their needs met through me.

my point is if you dont want to switch into your alters you can find out what is causing you to be afraid at home since it only happens when you are at home, what is different then when you are not at home, that could be triggering you into dissociating. once you know what the trigger is you will know how to fix this problem so that it doesnt keep happening.

If crying while youre home alone is safe and helps you feel better...isnt that okay?

It is totally okay. I'm getting more aware of how little of me is engaged most of the time. The child parts also hold joy and wonder and it would be great to feel that while with my partner. but I fear it would emerge as childish and disturb my partner's sense of me as an adult.

It's not that I don't want them to come out ever or just when I'm alone. I want to be able to access their attributes in my primary relationship. I want to experience the joy and happiness and openness with my partner. Those parts hold those attributes for me. But sometimes I'm afraid that those attributes are "childish" and have no part in adult relating. Other times I think those qualities are human and ageless so ought to be present in my "adult" selves. Herein lies the confusion and frustration. See most of the time, I don't feel any age. But the behaviors are unmistakeable as children in our culture.

Joy and happiness are definitely appropriate at all ages! I suggest accessing that part of your child parts by finding out what they like. Coloring,board games,cartoons,legos, etc, then try having your partner play with them. Chances are good that the opportunity to access his or her inner child will also give them access to their own joy.