[Kiya]

I am not even sure I can articulate this.... How can I work with the constant noise in my head? It's funny that I am even typing this because I've had this dx since 2006 i think. But lately, the internals are all talking to themselves or about me or to me while I'm trying to teach! And I just want to yell WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP!!?!?!?! Unreal. We've been through "I'm the one up front when I teach." Yeah yeah... they say... you shouldn't have taken this job in the first place. You PROMISED your treatment team you wouldn't work this semester." Ok, but that doesn't change the point that right now I'M TEACHING.... "So? I told you you shouldn't have." THenI get distracted because of all the noise and miss whatever the kid just read or wrote or said.... I get that I wasn't supposed to teach... and now am teaching not one, but two kids... I get that no one else in the system is able to work and ometimes feel like they HAVE to work my job because I am unable - and we're working on figuring out why sometimes I'm unable; if that is true, or if something happened that had one of them come forward (like today was a hard day and I am in a day treatment program and left early due to panic), or what ever is keeping me out of the driver seat.... But The whole time i kept thinking "please don't let me lose it now.... not now.... just a little longer... hold it together a little longer....

[jelly-bean]

I can't imagine what it must be like for you and the others to try to work. I think it is wonderful that you are trying to have a decent life though.

[likewater]

When I was student teaching it was really hard for this reason. I found the kids to be helpful and have a sense of humor about me losing the chalk- they knew where I'd set it down while disassociated. Don't be so hard on yourself. Look at it as if your mind is operating differently and you and your class adjust for that and you are still a brilliant, effective, qualified teacher. Plus your uniqueness, the things that make you YOU will enrich those students' lives forever. Maybe they will learn it's ok to be yourself , maybe it will help them accept others. Maybe your being genuine and real and human with them will help them to connect and learn better. Did you ever stop to think maybe the way you are is ok? Maybe you are being and doing exactly what you were meant to? Just a thought.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Kiya

I am not even sure I can articulate this.... How can I work with the constant noise in my head? It's funny that I am even typing this because I've had this dx since 2006 i think. But lately, the internals are all talking to themselves or about me or to me while I'm trying to teach! And I just want to yell WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP!!?!?!?! Unreal. We've been through "I'm the one up front when I teach." Yeah yeah... they say... you shouldn't have taken this job in the first place. You PROMISED your treatment team you wouldn't work this semester." Ok, but that doesn't change the point that right now I'M TEACHING.... "So? I told you you shouldn't have." THenI get distracted because of all the noise and miss whatever the kid just read or wrote or said.... I get that I wasn't supposed to teach... and now am teaching not one, but two kids... I get that no one else in the system is able to work and ometimes feel like they HAVE to work my job because I am unable - and we're working on figuring out why sometimes I'm unable; if that is true, or if something happened that had one of them come forward (like today was a hard day and I am in a day treatment program and left early due to panic), or what ever is keeping me out of the driver seat.... But The whole time i kept thinking "please don't let me lose it now.... not now.... just a little longer... hold it together a little longer....

when this happened to me I would remind myself that nothing has really changed. getting the diagnosis didnt make the head noise louder or more. getting the diagnosis just put a name on what already has been happening. then I would sit down and say ok the noise in my head has been there all my life and I did my job just fine before I was diagnosed so whats different now...just my perception. So then I stopped worrying about the voices and focused on my job just like I did before I was diagnosed and had a job to do.

for me what was out of the ordinary and a challenge was going to work and not hearing the voices after integration. I knew how to handle working with voices because I had been that way since before I was 5 yrs old but it was new and strange to me to not have the voices going in my head any more, at times during work the silence was so annoying I would talk just to hear myself talk. talk/think aloud just to fill that void where the life long voices used to be.

my suggestion is when the voices get loud remind yourself you have been this way most of your life, nothing has changed, getting the diagnosis just names whats already been happening. then think about how you managed to work, and get things done all your life even though the voices have been there this whole time. the only thing thats changed is you now know they are there so you are in tune/co conscious with them.

Another thing that helped me was before I was diagnosed one of the ways I handled hearing voices was carrying around a shiny stone, a soft sweater that reminded me of a soft stuffed animal and a couple snacks. all my life when the noise got loud I would put on the sweater, eat a bit of a snack and hold the shiny stone. this always calmed the voices down before I was diagnosed so it worked after I was diagnosed. I later discovered in therapy as a child I used to collect rocks, have a sweater like that and like the snack items. these memories had been held within three of my alters. with out even knowing they were there I had been acting on what calmed me and the voices down as a child and adult before diagnosis. After diagnosis I just carried on doing what came naturally on how to handle those voices by doing the same thing.

maybe you can think about how you have successfully handled the voices before and do those things now. if they worked before they will work after diagnosis.

[Claritytoo]

[quote=Kiya;4121733]I am not even sure I can articulate this.... How can I work with the constant noise in my head? It's funny that I am even typing this because I've had this dx since 2006 i think. But lately, the internals are all talking to themselves or about me or to me while I'm trying to teach! And I just want to yell WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP!!?!?!?! Unreal. We've been through "I'm the one up front when I teach." Yeah yeah... they say... you shouldn't have taken this job in the first place. You PROMISED your treatment team you wouldn't work this semester." Ok, but that doesn't change the point that right now I'M TEACHING.... "So? I told you you shouldn't have." THenI get distracted because of all the noise and miss whatever the kid just read or wrote or said.... I get that I wasn't supposed to teach... and now am teaching not one, but two kids... I get that no one else in the system is able to work and ometimes feel like they HAVE to work my job because I am unable - and we're working on figuring out why sometimes I'm unable; if that is true, or if something happened that had one of them come forward (like today was a hard day and I am in a day treatment program and left early due to panic), or what ever is keeping me out of the driver seat.... But The whole time i kept thinking "please don't let me lose it now.... not now.... just a little longer... hold it together a little longer.... [/quote

Right now I have to work to make money. I am having a lot of trouble being who I need to be at work. It sometimes helps us if I explain to everyone that we are working to make money so we can get food we like or to pay for the heat or buy a gift for someone we love, etc. If they have a good reason for us having to work they will most times let me work. I still have to leave early sometimes or call in sick. But telling them what we need the money for helps them to want to help. Than when we pay a bill or buy some food they all like I remind them we did this from the money we made at work. Hope something we said helps. Take care.

[Kiya]

Thanks Clarity - that does help, and maybe will give weight to my arguments. I appreciate your feedback.
Kiya

[QUOTE=Claritytoo;4123291]

Originally Posted by Kiya

I am not even sure I can articulate this.... How can I work with the constant noise in my head? It's funny that I am even typing this because I've had this dx since 2006 i think. But lately, the internals are all talking to themselves or about me or to me while I'm trying to teach! And I just want to yell WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP!!?!?!?! Unreal. We've been through "I'm the one up front when I teach." Yeah yeah... they say... you shouldn't have taken this job in the first place. You PROMISED your treatment team you wouldn't work this semester." Ok, but that doesn't change the point that right now I'M TEACHING.... "So? I told you you shouldn't have." THenI get distracted because of all the noise and miss whatever the kid just read or wrote or said.... I get that I wasn't supposed to teach... and now am teaching not one, but two kids... I get that no one else in the system is able to work and ometimes feel like they HAVE to work my job because I am unable - and we're working on figuring out why sometimes I'm unable; if that is true, or if something happened that had one of them come forward (like today was a hard day and I am in a day treatment program and left early due to panic), or what ever is keeping me out of the driver seat.... But The whole time i kept thinking "please don't let me lose it now.... not now.... just a little longer... hold it together a little longer.... [/quote

Right now I have to work to make money. I am having a lot of trouble being who I need to be at work. It sometimes helps us if I explain to everyone that we are working to make money so we can get food we like or to pay for the heat or buy a gift for someone we love, etc. If they have a good reason for us having to work they will most times let me work. I still have to leave early sometimes or call in sick. But telling them what we need the money for helps them to want to help. Than when we pay a bill or buy some food they all like I remind them we did this from the money we made at work. Hope something we said helps. Take care.

[Kiya]

I've had the dx since 2006. And of course the voices since forever. What is different now is that it is louder and the other adult alter is trying to take over as Front Person. She's the one who gives me the most flack about having taken the job... and if it were up to her, the money would go to vodka. I am also getting extra perks like seeing things (shadows) that are nothing, and confusing thoughts/ and losing more time. I know that Systems change from time to time... but right now I could use a little stability.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

when this happened to me I would remind myself that nothing has really changed. getting the diagnosis didnt make the head noise louder or more. getting the diagnosis just put a name on what already has been happening. then I would sit down and say ok the noise in my head has been there all my life and I did my job just fine before I was diagnosed so whats different now...just my perception. So then I stopped worrying about the voices and focused on my job just like I did before I was diagnosed and had a job to do.

for me what was out of the ordinary and a challenge was going to work and not hearing the voices after integration. I knew how to handle working with voices because I had been that way since before I was 5 yrs old but it was new and strange to me to not have the voices going in my head any more, at times during work the silence was so annoying I would talk just to hear myself talk. talk/think aloud just to fill that void where the life long voices used to be.

my suggestion is when the voices get loud remind yourself you have been this way most of your life, nothing has changed, getting the diagnosis just names whats already been happening. then think about how you managed to work, and get things done all your life even though the voices have been there this whole time. the only thing thats changed is you now know they are there so you are in tune/co conscious with them.

Another thing that helped me was before I was diagnosed one of the ways I handled hearing voices was carrying around a shiny stone, a soft sweater that reminded me of a soft stuffed animal and a couple snacks. all my life when the noise got loud I would put on the sweater, eat a bit of a snack and hold the shiny stone. this always calmed the voices down before I was diagnosed so it worked after I was diagnosed. I later discovered in therapy as a child I used to collect rocks, have a sweater like that and like the snack items. these memories had been held within three of my alters. with out even knowing they were there I had been acting on what calmed me and the voices down as a child and adult before diagnosis. After diagnosis I just carried on doing what came naturally on how to handle those voices by doing the same thing.

maybe you can think about how you have successfully handled the voices before and do those things now. if they worked before they will work after diagnosis.

[Kiya]

Thanks for the re-phrase. I do often use it to say "See, I make mistakes, too, and that is OK."

Originally Posted by likewater

When I was student teaching it was really hard for this reason. I found the kids to be helpful and have a sense of humor about me losing the chalk- they knew where I'd set it down while disassociated. Don't be so hard on yourself. Look at it as if your mind is operating differently and you and your class adjust for that and you are still a brilliant, effective, qualified teacher. Plus your uniqueness, the things that make you YOU will enrich those students' lives forever. Maybe they will learn it's ok to be yourself , maybe it will help them accept others. Maybe your being genuine and real and human with them will help them to connect and learn better. Did you ever stop to think maybe the way you are is ok? Maybe you are being and doing exactly what you were meant to? Just a thought.

[Kiya]

Saw PNurse tonight - went in for simple paperwork and ended up spewing all my upset. She was really concerned and also tried to see about my taking a leave of absence, but I really can't without jeopardizing my job. She said she'd do anything she could to help me through this challenging time. She got to see at least 2 of me tonight. The good thing is that the little one is now trusting to tell her things she's never told in the past. It's taken 2 years to build trust. Which she commented on, and reminded me/us of our strengths.